Am I too demanding or is he an idiot? Or both?

[Angelsandstardust]

Just need a bit of perspective.

I'm not sure our relationship is working and I don't know whether he's the problem, I am, or we are just incompatible.

Our latest fall out; it was my teen daughters birthday yesterday and she desperately wanted a macrame hanging chair for her room.

Back in July I told my partner of my daughters request and he said he would need to check the loft to make sure the joists were in the right position to put the chair where she wanted it. I asked him to check "fairly soon" as I'm a bit short on money this year and wanted to order the chair ASAP whilst I has the cash available. He said OK.

A couple of weeks later he still hadn't been up to the loft. I mentioned it again, said I really do need to order the chair soon and again he said he would do it "soon".

Long story short, he never made it up to the loft despite me asking him every 10-14 days, I eventually had to order the chair or it wouldn't come on time for her birthday and I made him aware that I was ordering at the weekend, he still didn't go and check the loft.

It gets to yesterday and my daughter is thrilled with the chair, asks when it's going to be put up and partner says "tomorrow".
I'm frustrated as he really is a "manana manana" type person and I'm more one to get things done, especially as the chair was her main present. Mention this to partner and he starts drilling through daughters ceiling to find the joists.

After many holes we eventually found a joist, put the chair up and it promptly pulled out if the ceiling when we tested it :(

Today, partner has finally been up in the loft and discovered the joists are too thin to hold the weight of the chair and he needs to reinforce the joist we want to attach it to - which he has no idea how to do, and I'm not sure I would trust him to do it properly anyway as he's just watched a YouTube video and declared he's "learnt" how to do it.

I'm fuming.

I mentioned our previous discussions and first he said he had no recollection of me asking him to check the loft, then decided that actually he did remember me asking, but "didn't see the urgency as her birthday wasn't until September".

He says it's not his fault, I say it most definitely is as if he had gone up in the loft prior to me ordering the chair as I'd asked him to, we might have discovered this and we could have found a way around the issue.

Instead, I have a 14 year old disappointed that she cant use her main present and although she will get over it, it's his dismissiveness over it all that I'm annoyed with.

He's like this all the time, too, anytime I bring up something I'm not happy with, he goes monosyllabic, accuses me of slating him a d never admits he's wrong nor apologises.

Am I being unreasonably demanding or is he a bit of a pain in the backside?

If his work is seasonal tell him to get another seasonal job over winter until it starts up again.

He’s an alcoholic millstone around your neck. His drinking is always going to come first because that is the nature of addiction. You can’t change him, and wishing and hoping he is going to change is a waste of your life.
Talk to your landlord about getting him off the tenancy, don’t get sucked into ‘but I have no support, no relatives ‘ sob story. He’s a fully grown man that can work if he chooses to and he will sort himself out.
Life is easier for him when you sort him out. You are not his mother.

So he doesn't help you with anything you need at home.
Doesn't contribute financially.
Questions your spending.
And drinks like a fish.

Winter is coming, he will be at home more burning through gas and electric that you will have to pay for.

No friends, no family.

I mean he sounds awful. Bang average entitled male that you are enabling.

Thank you all for the advice.

Things turned violent this morning (nothing too serious and I'm fine, but it was enough) so I phoned womens aid for advice and then my local council, we agreed to start the process of a planned move with me staying put for now, but with the option that if anything gets worse then I can contact them for an immediate placement into a b&b/refuge.

I've also finally told my mum what's been going on so things are moving in the right direction.

Thank you again all for your help :)

Whoah!! He lives in a house and refuses to pay any bills? What the fuck?

Get rid. Today. Go and speak to the landlord to see how easy it is to get him off the tenancy. Its not your problem he has no friends or family to house him. Hes a grown man. He can look after himself.

Repeat. He is not your problem to fix.

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry it turned violent but now you know what kind of man he really is. Go speak with the landlord and explain, there might be ways to keep you and not him.

Good luck

@Pixiedust1234 Thank you, to be honest I don't drive and the house we are currently in is a 45 minute walk from town and my children's schools, so I'm not fussed about staying here anyway.

I'll think about speaking to the landlord but it's managed through a letting agency so not sure if they can help with changing the tenancy over

You can talk to the landlord about getting him off the tenancy- make it a bit of a (1000% accurate) sob story- that he’s an alcoholic who doesn’t pay anything towards rent and bills and they will probably be happy to oblige! Then you can have him removed.

Well. He has left.

He came home after work, left again ans announced through text that he was finding a travelodge and chucked the front door key next to the door. After a few messages exchanged he agreed to pick his stuff up and has now done that.

He's sleeping in his work van and made sure to take his beers with him out of the cupboards...says it all I suppose.

Felt great earlier and got on with changing my UC claim to a single one and other 'admin' type stuff but am feeling sad and missing him now. No idea why.

Stay strong. Dont feel guilty. Hes said he was finding a travelogue but now said he's sleeping in the van? Yeah, guilttripping you so you feel sorry and have him back. Use this evening productively. Write down a list of cons, stick it on your bed (so kids don't see it) and keep reading it

I'm glad he's gone OP. Keep it that way.
You thread spiralled from him being slightly useless to bloody awful quite quickly.
Please keep him gone and enjoy time with your children.

Good on you OP ending this. That’s no way to live, good luck for the future

Oh OP. I divorced one of these and it was the best decision I've ever made.

What does he add to your life? Really? He's a freeloading sulking lazy cocklodger.

Any grown man (or woman) who think its OK to not pay their way need kicking out. He's taking complete advantage of you and he won't change, because he doesn't want to. Think about that. Kick him out and raise your standards.

Aha just seen your update. 👏 so glad. You're only feeling sad for the loss of what you thought it might have been. You'll get over it in no time

Great news. I hope you're doing ok x

Felt great earlier and got on with changing my UC claim to a single one and other 'admin' type stuff but am feeling sad and missing him now. No idea why.

You feel sad because it’s the end of an era, change, which none of us are that comfortable with. Give it time, you’ll see how much better your life is without him. Once they become violent you’re moving into dangerous territory and alcohol and violence are never a good mix.
Stay strong , keep talking to WA and your mum. 💐

Stay strong.

You are well rid of this sponging loser.

Well bloody done OP 👏 hope you're ok 💐

Thanks all, yes I'm fine but just can't shake this sadness.

I think you're right, I'm more thinking about what a shame it is that he couldn't have just been a better person/partner, rather than missing him.

My poor eldest DS is worried though. Keeps asking "what if he comes back and does something horrible?". I'm not sure what to say other than reassuring my son that he won't come back as he has no need to.

Well done! Now change the locks.

This is just typical of so many relationships, mine included - DH is Mr mañana mañana but even he wouldn't do this! (well not with so many reminders! Although I'd probably have stood with arms crossed till he finally went and checked)

Don't get me wrong I love a bit of procrastination myself, but when something relatively important has a time constraint on it (as this did for you) then my sensibilities kick in and I'll always pull through, I don't get how people can just disappoint loved ones like this, that's the kicker, he just couldn't be assed and now look. Who does that. Someone who doesn't really care, that's who x

Rude. Unhelpful.

Ah sorry I missed your updates with the name change.

I know it'll be hard on your emotions for a while but anytime you're missing him just read back over this thread, he's no prince to be missed.

No man worth his salt doesn't pay his own way / gets violent with you. It's hard to see now but you'll look back on this and wonder why you stayed / put up with him.

Grit your teeth and get through this, you and your DC deserve way better than this x

Guilty (as I was) of not reading the full thread.

But also guilty of just being rude and unhelpful