Am I too demanding or is he an idiot? Or both?

[Angelsandstardust]

Just need a bit of perspective.

I'm not sure our relationship is working and I don't know whether he's the problem, I am, or we are just incompatible.

Our latest fall out; it was my teen daughters birthday yesterday and she desperately wanted a macrame hanging chair for her room.

Back in July I told my partner of my daughters request and he said he would need to check the loft to make sure the joists were in the right position to put the chair where she wanted it. I asked him to check "fairly soon" as I'm a bit short on money this year and wanted to order the chair ASAP whilst I has the cash available. He said OK.

A couple of weeks later he still hadn't been up to the loft. I mentioned it again, said I really do need to order the chair soon and again he said he would do it "soon".

Long story short, he never made it up to the loft despite me asking him every 10-14 days, I eventually had to order the chair or it wouldn't come on time for her birthday and I made him aware that I was ordering at the weekend, he still didn't go and check the loft.

It gets to yesterday and my daughter is thrilled with the chair, asks when it's going to be put up and partner says "tomorrow".
I'm frustrated as he really is a "manana manana" type person and I'm more one to get things done, especially as the chair was her main present. Mention this to partner and he starts drilling through daughters ceiling to find the joists.

After many holes we eventually found a joist, put the chair up and it promptly pulled out if the ceiling when we tested it :(

Today, partner has finally been up in the loft and discovered the joists are too thin to hold the weight of the chair and he needs to reinforce the joist we want to attach it to - which he has no idea how to do, and I'm not sure I would trust him to do it properly anyway as he's just watched a YouTube video and declared he's "learnt" how to do it.

I'm fuming.

I mentioned our previous discussions and first he said he had no recollection of me asking him to check the loft, then decided that actually he did remember me asking, but "didn't see the urgency as her birthday wasn't until September".

He says it's not his fault, I say it most definitely is as if he had gone up in the loft prior to me ordering the chair as I'd asked him to, we might have discovered this and we could have found a way around the issue.

Instead, I have a 14 year old disappointed that she cant use her main present and although she will get over it, it's his dismissiveness over it all that I'm annoyed with.

He's like this all the time, too, anytime I bring up something I'm not happy with, he goes monosyllabic, accuses me of slating him a d never admits he's wrong nor apologises.

Am I being unreasonably demanding or is he a bit of a pain in the backside?

Good riddance to that misery!

Very glad the anti-cunt alarm worked on this thread!

So am I.... lol, went away for a bit and come back to find a load of deleted messages from that person on this thread! Glad I didn't read what they were saying but can only imagine.

He's honestly a deeply flawed person. I'm not saying I shouldn't have just put my big girl pants on and gone up to the loft myself but my issue was more with the fact that yesterday, he was adamant that he was not in the wrong in any way.
I could see where I failed in this whole thing.

And he's the same today; he came round to pick up a few last bits and drop off the garage key (I'd messaged to say I needed to get in there), he was offhand with me rather than apologetic (as I knew he wouldnt be but hoped he might) and I admit I did get into a silly discussion about how I couldn't believe this hasn't kicked him into touch with regards to his attitude etc.

He couldn't accept his part in this. Thinks its all me and that I should have been grateful I brought the key - I was, but it would've been nice for him to have seen the light/missed me/asked about my children/anything other than being selfish and narcissistic.

Anyway. You're right, we're better off apart. Regardless of who is to blame.

Yeah I reported them. You didn't need to read it, they were vile and in the realms of fantasy.

Keep telling yourself its better being apart, your children are happier and you will find that you are too. Hes messed with your mind so much over the years that you do believe its your fault for not approaching him at a different time of day, or in a better mood, or after payday, or after hes had a beer or or or.

No. Hes done on a number on you and it will take a while to unravel yourself. He was abusive.

Even though you've got his keys back, I'd still have the locks changed. He may have made copies before returning them.

Ok I will, thank you

Yesterday will not only be remembered as the day the Queen passed away, but the day OP realised her worth. OP, it will likely be hard as you go through the recovering from this relationship period. He may well try and hoover you back in. Stay strong, and consider counselling as certainly for me, it massively helped. And as for 'what you've done to your kids' you've shown them that they deserve so much better than his awful behaviour. That's a massively brilliant think you've done

I'm so relieved. I read your first few posts and thought you'd take ages to realise what a millstone he is.

I'm sorry you are upset, and I know it will be a tough adjustment, but you are well rid and you'll feel lighter and freer with every passing day!

He's sounding worse and worse!
Even if you told me he was Tom Hardy's hotter twin it still wouldn't redeem him
You're better off single !

Even if he had come back with apologies etc it would have been insincere and used as another way to get you to take him back. Then a few weeks or months later you'd be back to square one, except now with violence in the mix or you changing your behaviour further to avoid the threat of it.

Look at the truth of who he is not at the fantasy of who you wanted him to be. He's not a good person. Then you'll start to see there's nothing to miss.

Youre not in the wrong here. You're unkind to yourself. What's all this language around him "helping with bills"? Bills are not yours by default and so he's not "helping" if he contributed. Bills are both of yours if he's living there, it's called paying his way. You're not too demanding, it's the opposite, you need to demand more! You're well rid.

Breaking up is never fun even if you're the one who instigated it. The emotional turmoil will end in time. Lean on your friends, your mum.

Tell your son if the ex returns and is frightening him, he can call the police. Let him know that's the right thing to do. Don't have him think this man's violence towards you needs to be kept a secret. It doesn't. You've nothing to be ashamed of, don't hide the ugly truth of the situation.

Another woman propping up a useless twat. I despair

Well she's not, is she? Because he's gone.

I was going to start another thread but figured I'd be better off just adding my thoughts here.

What's wrong with me??

When my ex first left 2 days ago, the very first day I felt quite elated. Got a bit teary over the Queen passing away which may or may not have actually been related to the events of that morning, but ever since then I've been so, so sad.

Missing him loads, walking round the house thinking of all the silly little things; like, he bought a stone worm thing (don't ask, I can't describe it!) a few days before we split up, saying that he'd been looking at it for over a year and it always made him laugh so he decided to just get it. I can't look at that worm without feeling awful now!
He started growing tomatoes and chilis earlier on in the year, he had said he was looking forward to seeing the first chilis grow and now he won't get to :(

Just absolutely stupid stuff that's driving me crazy with guilt! Why?

I knew he wouldn't, but deep down I think I hoped that he would realise what he'd lost when he moved out, not that I want him back but I wanted him to go and get help for his drinking, which is actually his biggest problem and one I haven't mentioned on here much - he's been drinking 2 bottles of red wine and 2-3 beers every day, pretty much for the last 5 years and before that it was one bottle every day. If I told him I didn't want him to drink he would stop for 5 days but then restart on the Friday as "it's the weekend", then Saturday, then hint on the Sunday or Monday and I would usually agree to keep the peace (he'd just be grumpy if I said no, but wouldn't say or do anything bad).

Anyway. Just logged into facebook on the laptop we recently bought (again, another thing making me feel awful; we got it as a joint purchase just a week ago) and it was logged into his account. I didn't notice at first but then couldn't help checking his notifications - and saw a post on a van-modification group that he's in - for people who do up vans to live in - and he's had a post on there from the morning after we split, saying how much he missed the peace and quiet.

Also a load of posts mentioning that he's checked into a campsite by a local canal and is loving life basically! Photos of wine bottles and beers galore too :(
I did speak to him on the phone today about what's happening with the car (in his name but the tax comes out of my account and the insurance comes out of his but I transfer the money over to him usually).
I mentioned that I bet he was living his best life and he said "not really". I asked about drinking and he said "I couldn't give up when I was with you, so of course I'm not gonna give up when I'm depressed and living on the floor of my work van, am I?".

I don't even know why I'm bothered that he's posting on groups and acting like he's one of the 'vanlifers', they're all bigging him up and saying how great his life will be once he's done his van up, little do they know he's an alcoholic and he's living in his van because he hurt me, he's not 'one of them' at all :(

Anyway this is more of a getting it off my chest post than anything else, but if anyone can confirm he's an alcoholic that doesn't care, nor deserve any more of my thoughts, that would be great :(

He's admitted he's an alcoholics. You don't need us to confirm it. He's living on the floor of his work van because he's a prick and didn't pull his weight. He's showing off to these blokes online because he needs approval from someone and he's no longer getting it from you.

Hes an alcoholic. There are different types but he is definitely one. He needs, not wants or enjoys, but needs alcohol. Let him go. He adds nothing to your life. However you are grieving. You are grieving for dreams and hopes that are no more. You are grieving for the man you thought he was. Allow yourself to grieve the past, but grieving does not mean you should take him back. He is not who you thought he was.

You got this. Really, you have

Thanks both. I know you're right.

I just hate liars.

I also hate people who can't see what they are or what they've done and I suppose he falls into both those categories.

Just wish I could hate him :(