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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

TMI (Sorry) he can't orgasm

115 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 06/09/2022 13:24

It's getting to me more than I feel it should. We're very early days, we've slept together a few times, and to me it's great, and he says it is for him. We get on very well and all the right feelings are there. We have discussed it, but he doesn't know why it's not happening. Everything else is great, but I've never been through this before.

All I'm asking really is, has anyone else been through similar? Did it eventually resolve itself and how did you feel?

OP posts:
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 07/09/2022 12:51

Her orgasm is not her responsibility.

I don’t understand this comment, by logical extension his orgasm is not his responsibility either, but posters on this thread are saying that she should leave the relationship because he is unable to orgasm during intercourse? 🤷🏼‍♂️

did you mean
His orgasm is not her responsibility.

which of course also means her orgasm is not his responsibility

GreenManalishi · 07/09/2022 13:00

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 07/09/2022 12:51

Her orgasm is not her responsibility.

I don’t understand this comment, by logical extension his orgasm is not his responsibility either, but posters on this thread are saying that she should leave the relationship because he is unable to orgasm during intercourse? 🤷🏼‍♂️

did you mean
His orgasm is not her responsibility.

which of course also means her orgasm is not his responsibility

HIS! Sorry, yes, his. I feel it's not necessary for her to get anxious and upset because he's apparently experiencing some delayed ejaculation in a new relationship which she is otherwise enjoying.

She's been able to identify that it's her ego that's struggling with it, which makes me think that her belief is that it is her responsiblity to ensure he goes off like a rocket at a certain time and place. That's a lot of pressure on both of them, it could rectify itself given a bit of sensitive dialogue and lack of focus on the male orgasm being the goal by which sex is judged.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 07/09/2022 13:35

She's been able to identify that it's her ego that's struggling with it, which makes me think that her belief is that it is her responsiblity to ensure he goes off like a rocket at a certain time and place. That's a lot of pressure on both of them, it could rectify itself given a bit of sensitive dialogue and lack of focus on the male orgasm being the goal by which sex is judged.

yes indeed, I’m a man of a certain ago, so the struggle to orgasm is not unfamiliar to me and the move away from male orgasm being the “success factor” of sex is something I’m very aware of, I would be mortified if my partner ended things if I couldn’t manage to ejaculate inside her & im pretty certain she would not be impressed if I ended things just because she couldn’t orgasm either

Westernesse · 07/09/2022 14:45

LemonDrop22 · 06/09/2022 20:23

Death grip is Mumsnet herd thinking

If it's MN herd thinking, them it's also multiple forum - including male dominated forums - here thinking.

Because I've come across the concept, alongside excessive porn use, on 95 per cent male forums.

There are no fap (wank), no porn etc "movements" all over the internet as a result of what people, including lots of men, think are the negative sexual, relationship, social, psychological etc effects of "excessive" masturbation and porn use.

Aye, I’m sure the wanking support groups on Reddit are a very sensible and scientific bunch. We should listen to them in the absence of any support for the idea of “Death Grip” by healthcare professionals.

RandomMusings7 · 07/09/2022 15:08

Westernesse · 07/09/2022 14:45

Aye, I’m sure the wanking support groups on Reddit are a very sensible and scientific bunch. We should listen to them in the absence of any support for the idea of “Death Grip” by healthcare professionals.

Fibromyalgia used be regarded as not a thing/all in your head until quite recently too. Just because not enough research has been done into a condition as of yet doesn't mean it's not real...

altmember · 07/09/2022 15:48

Death grip is a myth, at least in the physical sense. It could be argued that it exists in a psychological manner, but it's hardly the best term for something that's not physical.

Men who masturbate often (with or without porn) do so because they have a higher sex drive. Just like women. It does not make them unable to orgasm during sex with a partner.

It's most likely to just be performance anxiety in a new relationship (because decent men care about satisfying their partner - a man who never gets performance anxiety is likely only interested in his own orgasm).

If it doesn't improve as the relationship progresses, then there are some potential physical causes (none of which are to do with excessive wanking):

The penis loses sensitivity with age, this is part of the reason why young lads often suffer from premature ejaculation, but it's less common from middle age onwards. It's possible his sensitivity has dropped to the point that piv just isn't enough.

For men, most of the sensation during piv comes primarily from friction (whereas women feel more displacement). That's why condoms reduce sensitivity for men. So if you're using them, maybe try a different brand/thinner.

Equally, the wetter you get during sex, the less frictional sensation there will be. And just like pensies, vaginas come in different shapes and sizes.

It usually takes a combination of the above to make a man unable to orgasm during piv.

Funny that when a man can't reach orgasm during sex its his fault for being a porn addicted wanker, but when a woman can't orgasm during sex its also a man's fault for being rubbish in bed.

botleybump · 07/09/2022 15:54

I've had two partners (current and previous) experience this in early days just as things were getting serious.
Both started of performing well, and then suddenly would go soft/be unable to finish at around the 2 month mark.
I did some searching at both times and discovered that it's not unusual for men to experience this when they start to get 'feelings' for you. Something to do with a drop in testosterone and a sudden need/pressure to be amazing for you/not screw it up.

Both times I've experienced it, things were back to normal in a month or so once we'd settled in to our 'We care about each other and this is serious' phase and knew where we stood.
Kind words and intimacy over we'd (back tickles etc) seemed to help though.
They just need to feel safe at the scary 'falling' stage I think.

Equallength · 07/09/2022 23:24

Does he work in oil and gas, and is from Cardiff?

Joey69 · 08/09/2022 08:17

Funny that when a man can't reach orgasm during sex its his fault for being a porn addicted wanker, but when a woman can't orgasm during sex its also a man's fault for being rubbish in bed.

yes I have noticed that as well…

theRealmOfThePossible · 08/09/2022 08:26

AgnestaVipers · 06/09/2022 14:01

A simple internet search disagrees. E.g:
www.forhims.co.uk/blog/porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction-pied

Anyone can post anything on line it doesn't mean it reaches the level of peer-reviewed medical research.

You need to find papers published in medical journals ideally with multiple references.

wh00pi · 08/09/2022 08:57

Anyone can post anything on line it doesn't mean it reaches the level of peer-reviewed medical research.

Anyone can post anything? That's ironic. Too much porn can desensitise men to real life sex, physically and psychologically (delayed what, unable to climax without hand, even in presence of woman so nerves is not the reason why). We don't know if that is the main thing here, but it is a factor often.

onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/sexual-health-advice/can-porn-really-damage-your-sex-life

wh00pi · 08/09/2022 08:59

People do rush in with death grip on here for every scenario but that doesn't mean overuse of porn or masturbation has no real impacts

Joey69 · 08/09/2022 09:18

wh00pi · 08/09/2022 08:59

People do rush in with death grip on here for every scenario but that doesn't mean overuse of porn or masturbation has no real impacts

Yep, totally agree, I think porn has caused massive problems for some people, but the term death grip was coined by someone with no medical training , and gets tossed around like confetti on this forum.

it’s a bit like taking your car to a mechanic and the mechanic diagnoses the fault without even opening the bonnet because the last car they saw had a particular fault, so it must be that

Bestsinglemumever · 08/09/2022 09:20

Hey babe, to be fair when we did it he couldn’t either, normal thing for men!

OnTheGoAlways · 08/09/2022 20:55

Thank you everyone, I've mulled over the replies for a few days, there is some real food for thought.

We spoke briefly about it today, it's becoming strained because for example, some of the dirty talk/flirting whilst we're apart isn't flowing.

He suggested he'd like to try anal and that he was sure he'd cum that way.

He said its not unusual for him not to finish and for the last 6/7 years has preferred to wank than have sex.

He said he thinks he does grip quite hard when he wants. He says he doesn't have a 'go to' porn.

I actually feel more confused. I have a lot of sexual experience and very open minded, and although anal can be hot, it's not something I want to do all the time, and certainly through a pressure to enable him to orgasm. It is a real turn on when a man finishes inside me, and then the feelings that follow that, so I will try it with him, but now I feel some pressure too.

I understand the POV that men don't leave woman if they haven't orgasmed, and he is a good person so I really don't want this to be how our story ends. But I feel like I'm being lied to about something here.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 08/09/2022 21:43

Porn addiction, very common now, completely destroys mens ability to have normal sex with an actual person. Really sad, lots of people trying to help but you cant help people who wont help themselves. Not a path I would be willingly going down with a new partner.
fightthenewdrug.org/

Isthisit22 · 08/09/2022 22:40

Please don't do anal in a desperate attempt to make him come. What on earth is the point?
He should be attracted to you enough at this early stage to not need gimmicks or more extreme levels.
You talk about 'your story' but this is romanticised crap. You have no story as you've been together 2 mins and have loads of problems with the basics of a relationship.
Move on.

Sicro · 08/09/2022 22:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 08/09/2022 22:57

He said its not unusual for him not to finish and for the last 6/7 years has preferred to wank than have sex.

this is almost like a learned behaviour, he needs to stop wanking and get used to having sex again ( with you or someone else..).

JudyGemstone · 08/09/2022 23:15

“He suggested he'd like to try anal and that he was sure he'd cum that way.

He said its not unusual for him not to finish and for the last 6/7 years has preferred to wank than have sex.”

Sorry but eww. This would turn me off so much.

Floomobal · 09/09/2022 01:01

Jesus, your update is awful. I hope you don’t have anal sex with him because you feel pressured to.

You’ve tried to be understanding, but he sounds like a dick. I would dump him and find someone else

LHReturns · 09/09/2022 01:46

Whatever the reason, it’s awful for you. The thinking and speculating and planning and trying so damn hard to get the moment JUST RIGHT. Ruined my sex life with someone not because either of us were doing anything wrong but because it badly impacted many parts of the relationship. Getting into reverse cowgirl and bouncing away for 60 minutes while he tries again and again to get there - sorry not for me.

Ohwowywow · 09/09/2022 03:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That doesn’t sound like something straight from the mouth if a man who watches way too much porn now does it

Im a woman and the thought of a man ‘giving me anal ‘ is a massive turn off . What makes you think all women like that

also how do you know what all me. Like . Could you please post your qualifications

too much porn it seems

Person18885 · 09/09/2022 03:31

Dery · 06/09/2022 13:54

Just for info: my understanding is the effects of death grip can be reversed. He would need to leave off wanking for a bit.

for how long? asking for a friend (serious question)

OnTheGoAlways · 09/09/2022 06:36

I bought and wore new lingerie and that didn't work, but will try again.

We spoke about it again last night, and he almost seemed annoyed that it's an issue for me, he said he thinks he won't happen now because its an issue for me and seemed quite defeatist about it, he didn't put any pressure on me to do anything, tried to reassure me that it's nothing I've done or not done.

Youre right, it's the thinking, the planning, taking away the joy and spontaneity.

Its just never happened before. Its been helpful reading the similar stories.

OP posts: