TMI (Sorry) he can't orgasm

[OnTheGoAlways]

It's getting to me more than I feel it should. We're very early days, we've slept together a few times, and to me it's great, and he says it is for him. We get on very well and all the right feelings are there. We have discussed it, but he doesn't know why it's not happening. Everything else is great, but I've never been through this before.

All I'm asking really is, has anyone else been through similar? Did it eventually resolve itself and how did you feel?

Op I suspect it probably is porn related/death grip but I wouldn't give up just yet.

My dh had this problem when I first met him because he'd been single for years.
It resolved itself and after the first few months it never happened again in over 12 years and we have a happy healthy sex life now.
But make sure he dumps the porn or dump him because it's not going to change otherwise.

I disagree with part of this. Death grip is just desensitisation which can happen to women too with vibrator use.

it is very much reversible though so it’s not something to put up with forever!

What I do agree with is that some on MN are so quick to declare ‘death grip’ when I have no idea how they can be so sure!

Get him a Fleshlight, instead of him death gripping with his hands when pleasuring himself. 😛

Over sensitisation from masturbation is (in my personal experience) a very real thing and can happen to women as well as men.

Is it a dealbreaker for you? If so discuss it now. If not make that clear now. Don’t let it fester.

No, this isn’t the OP’s problem to solve. He needs to figure it out himself (if death grip is indeed the problem).

DH had this due to antidepressants. It never resolved, one of the reasons we’re in separate bedrooms now.

I’m going through the same thing with someone new. Mine has been single for 2.5 years and only had sex on 2x other occasions since then before me but masturbates every day and can come through that, although is circumcised and says that even through masturbation it can take a while. Didn’t have this problem with his ex however always took a while and apparently she started to put him down about it which I think made things worse.

I’m just going to be patient but like you it is a worry at the back of my mind.

Could just be nerves. Also are you using condoms? DH struggles a bit with them on (and is happy to use them before anyone suggests he’s just saying it!).

When I’ve been on the pill previously and not used condoms, he’s had no problems

I often couldn't orgasm with a new partner (had the same partner for the last 15 years so no idea if it would still be an issue).

It's a pressure thing, I end up right on the edge but just couldn't tip myself over it, and then I'd end up flagging, the rhythm would go, and then there'd be no bloody chance. My first, (and usually second, and fifth) orgasms with a person would usually come from a handjob or blowjob etc.

Contrary to popular wisdom on here, death grip really isn't a thing. I'm far far more sensitive if I've been masturbating a lot, thus far more likely to go off on a hair trigger, rather than the opposite. Its far more likely that I can't get it up at all because I've had a recent wank than not being able to orgasm (Definately more of an issue now than 20 years ago)

Other causes of not being able to have an orgasm include:

Too much alcohol - A few too many beers and it's likely not to happen, likely linked to

Not a good match - If we can't get into a good rhythm together, then it ain't happening

Too much cycling - If I'm knackered, then it's a race between my orgasm and my stamina.

Too much lube - If my partner is extremely turned on, wetness goes up, friction goes down, and it can become an exercise in frustration.

My advice is to give him a really good handjob. Commit yourself to half an hour or so, go slow, tease him. Don't try and emulate "Death grip". I bet you'll get him there and then the pressures off for him in future.

Generally men who can orgasm from masturbation but not intercourse just have a higher orgasm threshold.

The idea that men masturbate too often/watch too much porn etc and therefore “ruin” their sensitivity etc is nonsense.

I think the keenness to jump to the death grip conclusion is posters being desperate to masturbate their own prejudices and baggage.

it’s genuinely not a real thing and that why health professionals list lots of reasons for delayed ejaculation with “death grip” not being one of them.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I understand this might be a source of anxiety for some people, it is for me now.

I understand there could be many reasons for it not quite tipping over the edge, I just hope it resolves itself. I don't want to feel a tinge of neglect every time we have sex. I will try just focusing exclusively on him and see if that helps. Once it happens for the first time for him I hope thats it and won't happen again, or it will if he's tired etc but not for unknown reasons.

I really do like him and I know he feels the same, it would be awful if this was the one thing that stopped us.

I agree with all of this. Death grip is Mumsnet herd thinking nonsense. Contrary to popular belief, men don't always automatically enjoy sex and automatically orgasm, especially if something's not clicking and the connection isn't right.

Medication, nerves or in the case of one ex I had, cocaine use.

I wouldn't end it with him over this though? As long as everything else is good and you are enjoying yourself Sex wise, then I don't see the issue tbh-it'll happen when you both relax about it. Sex isn't just about the ending is it-it's the whole experience.

Plus if you finish with him because of it, imagine the complex he would have for the rest of forever. Not really your issue necessarily but if you care about him then might be a consideration

@OnTheGoAlways I posted about this very topic on the sex board a couple of months ago.

He told me that sometimes it's due to alcohol but that mainly he's built it up in his mind as a problem and he is completely unable to orgasm through sex. He's even wanked while I watch and nothing....although it probably feels a bit like an audience! I enjoy it though.

He was cheated on badly by his wife and has been single ever since for years.

We haven't had much opportunity to be together but although we both enjoy sex with each other he gets annoyed with himself. He'll message me saying he'll try harder next time, to which I just say there's no pressure let's just enjoy the experience.

But no two ways about it, it does affect your self esteem. We'll just keep trying I guess. Good luck!

Any medication involved, OP, prescribed or illegal?

You might not know if there is. I went out with someone so sweet I couldn't believe it, turned out he was munching his way through a bucketful of E every day. Drugs like that (and coke, and antidepressants) are going to stop things in their tracks as it were,

Do YOU get to orgasm every time you're with him OP? Or even the majority of the time? If not, would that be a reason to end the relationship? Crazy the double standards we as a sex are happily putting up with. Maybe look at it from the positive side - at least he!s unlikely to engage in sex of the wham, bang variety.

Wow, death grip suggested three posts in, a new MN record? Disappointed to see that 'maybe he is gay' has not been suggested yet. Of course when a woman can't orgasm it's the blokes fault too for being a crap lover, never buzz clit or being a closet lesbian.

He'll message me saying he'll try harder next time

Sorry but I had to laugh 😂

never buzz clit

Another one 😂

Maybe he's internalised all the messages about early ejaculation being a big problem?
Probably need to ensure he's more turned on before penetration, and/or avoids orgasm for a while before ...

I think it's a bit horrible to think of dumping someone because they don't orgasm during sex. If a man were proposing to bin a woman because she couldn't come during sex, he'd have his arse handed to him (and rightly so).

Yes I agree with this. He probably feels self conscious about it and you’re making it all about you. It could be as a result of antidepressants - I’m a woman on them and I can’t orgasm. I usually can do it if I masturbate but I never orgasm with partners. It’s just the way my body is. My partners have to accept this or walk away. I don’t tolerate any kind of shaming or moping around about how it makes them feel bad - I can’t help it any more than I can help having 10 fingers. It is not about the other person. Sex is about way more than orgasm/penetration, anyway - does he please you? Do you enjoy other things together? Does he get any sensation at all? If you can’t handle it, dump him, but it’s really unfair to make him feel bad about it.

He is taking medication for a heart attack he had 6 years ago (he's in his 40s). But I don't think this is a side effect of that.

He doesn't drink and is very fit because of his job and cycling. I think of the times we've had sex, I've orgasmed all but one.

I know its sad, but I'm in a bit of turmoil over it and it's not something I have ever come across before, so I know I'm probably taking it too personally, maybe.

How long have you been trying @Namechange85 ? Sounds quite difficult. I agree with pp about self esteem being affected.