TMI (Sorry) he can't orgasm

[OnTheGoAlways]

It's getting to me more than I feel it should. We're very early days, we've slept together a few times, and to me it's great, and he says it is for him. We get on very well and all the right feelings are there. We have discussed it, but he doesn't know why it's not happening. Everything else is great, but I've never been through this before.

All I'm asking really is, has anyone else been through similar? Did it eventually resolve itself and how did you feel?

It really is not a personal thing. I know it is easy to say, but try not to stress, as it can add to the pressure. It is delayed ejaculation most probably and has many causes. It needn't be a deal breaker. If you both relax and enjoy what you are doing, it may resolve itself. If it doesn't, sex therapy is highly effective at resolving it.

@TedMullins I appreciate what you're saying and I do think it's a good point, a couple of my friends have never orgasmed. I will think about this. Can I also make clear I have never shamed him but only reassured him when we have discussed it and if in time it's still a source of anxiety for me, I won't make him feel bad, I wouldn't do that.

You seem invested.

I'll offer a slightly different perspective on this.

With my current partner I'm having the best sex I've ever had, for me it's mind blowing as we are so in tune and love all the same things.

But I often find it hard to cum, the reason for me is I hold back mentally, as I'm having such a good time I don't want it to be over. But of course the downside to that is if I hold back a couple of times it then gets harder to get there, and then the pressure really is on. I get so close but then something enters my mind and it delays it again so I have to work harder to get there again.

But for me I'm more about the journey than the destination, and my partner certainly doesn't mind that I can keep going and going.

Get him to finish himself off on your tits, and / or stick a finger up his arse .

I'm still not 100% clear on why his delayed orgasm is leading to anxiety and turmoil for you unless you feel it's your responsibility to provide him with one? If he's ok with it can't you just see how it goes and if it causes him anxiety he can take steps to address it? Take the focus off him if you can and enjoy yourself.

How much does he cycle?

Tend to agree with this ^^, why is a sexual issue for him causing you an issue?

the guy has DE not ED , not sure how this link helps ?

I have experienced the ‘jealousy’ you felt and it just continues to grind you down that you don’t have normal sex. And sorry to disappoint the ‘sex positive’ gang who believe that acknowledging death grip makes you the dull, joyless, vanilla-sex stasi because you believe that porn use isn’t a good trait in a partner - it is very much a thing and all of my friends in their twenties have experienced men who have desensitised themselves through vigorous wanking and porn use.

In my case- it was a mixture of anxiety meds too, but I’m not Florence Nightingale for men with sex issues so I noped myself out of there.

Also- he doesn’t speak bad about his ex but you know they didn’t have sex much 🤡

support him through his issues and have odd anticlimactic sex if you must. However, when you’re writing a MN thread about a bloke in the ‘early days’ due to niggles however small, it doesn’t bode well for the future.

Death grip is Mumsnet herd thinking

If it's MN herd thinking, them it's also multiple forum - including male dominated forums - here thinking.

Because I've come across the concept, alongside excessive porn use, on 95 per cent male forums.

There are no fap (wank), no porn etc "movements" all over the internet as a result of what people, including lots of men, think are the negative sexual, relationship, social, psychological etc effects of "excessive" masturbation and porn use.

Why are some posters so desperate to plop in with the "what if a man did this" type switcheroo post 🙄 how is it relevant? And to desperately try to insert it into such a mild conversation is so pathetic.
OP isn't a man so it's irrelevant and FYI anyone can end a relationship at any point for ANY REASON 🤦🏽‍♀️

There are men on there saying they can't climax because they're eg wanking so much, because they have hi often used to a certain grip and strength etc., because they have become completely accostumed to seeing a woman's legs in the air or spread eagled (and because they couldn't really see them in the same way while between them, they couldn't get the visual they'd become programmed to.climax to etc etc.

Not sure where the fairly venomous and derogatory posters saying it's a made up.Mn thing are coming from when you can read it out of the horses mouths on male dominated forums.

I'm still not 100% clear on why his delayed orgasm is leading to anxiety and turmoil for you unless you feel it's your responsibility to provide him with one

It's not quite that, is it?

Standard sexual experience teaches us to expect both partners, but esp the man who often find it easier/more straightforward to climax during sex. That is usually the finish line of sex. Enjoy, climax, snooze or whatever.

Whilr it's not always so simple, people also expect sexual partners who fancy them and who enjoyed the sex with them to.imsc most of the time.

Op is hardly remotely unusual to feel thrown, confused, disappointed, uncomfortable etc that the usual natural conclusion to sex, and the one that people take to indicate that their partner fancies them, is turned on by them, enjoys sex with them etc. ...isn't happening on one patterns part.

OMG😂 get a grip would you.
No one would get their ass handed to them because no one is obligated to remain in any relationship FFS 😁

*on one partner's part.

@OvaryActions I don't feel that my post was desperate, irrelevant or pathetic, or that I plopped it in, whatever that means, but it seems to have got your back up for some reason.

I was just gently pointing out that there maybe aren't many men considering ending their relationship because their female partner finds it difficult to orgasm during sex, and maybe the OP shouldn't take it on as her issue. It sounds like her side of things is working just fine.

Op, I have no idea what's behind this with your partner; all I can say is that I did experience this with a partner and time/experience/exposure solved it.

He was nervous and self conscious etc because he (said) he really fancied me and saw the relationship as having a lot of potential ... It just took a (not long) while for him to relax and become less self conscious and nervous.

Tbh it improved just as I was getting demoralised and it was becomkmg an issue.

Please don’t finish with him because of this! A good man is hard to find so if everything else is okay please be patient!
I posted about this a few months ago. It took nearly a year before my bf came during sex and it was nerves/anxiety which increased as he felt he was failing me. He hadn’t had sex for several years before and had severe performance anxiety. When the pressure was off and we just enjoyed being together it one night it just happened (I was on n top of that makes a difference? ) also was a night when we knew we were spending the whole night together. It still doesn’t happen every time but he is relaxing more now and gaining confidence.

Is he edging ? My DH would this annoying thing bring himself to the brink stop then doing it again and again until he couldn't cum unless he finished by had. . It was so annoying as I had finished and was getting dry and uncomfortable while he kept banging away. I've told him not to do it multiple times I don't want PIV lasting 45 min - 1 hour. He only edges until I reach orgasm many men seem to think lasting for ages is amazing.

Yes, men who don't care if the woman they are having sex with has an orgasm are heroic...

Also, women aren't/don't have to be fixers. He should be able to resolve his own issue. Hand mapde or not. If you want to stick around to see if this guy cam resolve them (whatever they may be), go for it. Just don't do it to the detriment of yourself.

Love the fact these threads bring out so many butthurt men about death grip, completely ignoring OP.

op you need to have an open conversation, if he can't/won't that's more of a problem than the sex.

I wonder if he had similar issues with his ex wife which is why their sex was so sporadic?

It’s not as simple as that. If a man is being selfish in bed and doesn’t care if his female partner orgasms then yes he’s a dick, but several women here including myself have said we find it difficult to/are unable to orgasm, that’s nothing to do with the other person, and yes, I expect my partners to accept that (or walk away if they can’t). I would hate for them to carry on desperately trying to make me orgasm for their own ego because it won’t happen.

Heroic? That's a bit of a leap. I'm just suggesting that it's not really her problem and she seems to be taking it on as such. There's no need for her to end the relationship over this, they need to have a decent dialogue about the sex they're having, and he needs to address the issue, as it's his issue, not hers. She doesn't need to fix it.

Her orgasm is not her responsibility.