Finance doesn't want to get married

[Dorri82]

Hi
Background.. been with my partner just over 2 years. He proposed to me in January. It was well thought out, beautiful ring, on the beach watching the sunrise and said he'd planned it 2 months previous.

A couple of discussions on what we'd like our wedding to be, both agreeing on a quiet affair, just us and then probably a family party later.

Then life happens and we don't talk much more about it, until I bring it up recently. He's a bit standoffish and doesn't seem that interested so I dig deeper... apparently he loves me and likes the idea of the marriage values and all that comes with it, without the paper and the "hassle" and the party etc.

So I'm confused and asks if we're still getting married and he's very vague with his answers and says he'd marry me tomorrow if it wasn't for all the stuff that comes with it as its not for him.

I'm obviously really hurt as it feels like he made this huge romantic beautiful gesture of love and commitment, and now has taken it away.

I've sent him off to our caravan as i need a bit of space to process as I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
I was never one of those girls who felt they needed to get married etc, nor did I ever hint that I wanted a proposal. It was all off his own back and I was over the moon about it. So I just think its cruel what he's saying now. And I don't understand.

He never needed to ask me if he didn't believe in marriage. Our relationship wouldn't have changed either way.

Obviously we need to have a proper conversation but I'm not sure how I feel at all.

How would anyone else deal with this? Xx

Sounds like your relationship is over. You were engaged and he is now breaking the engagement. Sorry OP.

Not clear whether he objects to marriage or wedding.
2 different things.

Don’t have kids without being married. He doesn’t want to get married. The paper thing is an excuse. It’s only been 2 years, dump and find someone who loves and wants to marry you.

It sounds like he doesn't want the party and the fuss. Why not suggest a quiet wedding with just the two of you and see what his response to that is? Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

I had one of those....12 years later and 3 kids we actually did it. Don't write him off if his actions show he loves you and cares for you. (I gradually encouraged the idea of the wedding....when we finally did it we planned and married in 5 months so no mega run up. The day was smallish and relaxed. Perfect for us both. )

I agree it's unclear what it is he is objecting to.

Agree he isn't handling it well and can understand why you are upset.

If it's the fuss, can you just have a very quiet ceremony and no party?

[He] says he'd marry me tomorrow if it wasn't for all the stuff that comes with it as its not for him.

This seems pretty clear to me.

He wants a simple register office ceremony without faff and fuss.

Then suggest a date for a simple registry office ceremony with a couple of witnesses. If he baulks at that you got your answer.

Sounds like he does want to get married but not have the wedding party or a big fuss, so can’t you just have a very lovely simple ceremony with a couple of witnesses and then go for a meal?

This. Though agree he should have made things clear from the start.

I don't believe our relationship is over. We're really good otherwise.
He's a bit of a free spirit and had this thing about conforming to society... and it feels like he's going through one of his 'I shall not be part of the rat race' kinda phases 🙄

I've given him plenty of get outs before with all this. He was like it when we moved in together. I told him he should stay single, live off the grid and take no part in society if that's what makes him happy! But no, he knows he still has to work, pay the bills, and live a relatively 'normal' life if he wants a relationship and a nice home etc.

So, yes i think there's an element of him going through one of these wobbles, but I guess what I'm confused over is how i deal with it. Its a pretty hurtful thing to change your mind about. And although it's not about getting married as such for me, it's about how he asked me and has now gone back on it and the upset that's caused.

Is he just a selfish bastard?!

I know he loves me so much and everything else points to that, but come on man.... this is shit! X

What does he mean ‘without the paper’?

I don’t want to get married because the paper would mean I would lose half my assets and I have far more than Dp. The paper is exactly what puts me off because I would be betting at least half of mine and my childrens finances on it working.

Does he earn a lot more or have money in assets, more than you?

a marriage without the paper isn’t marriage. Marriage, at its core, isn’t about love. It’s a legal agreement. Without the legal agreement, it’s not marriage. It’s a committed relationship. But a marriage without the bit that separates it from a committed relationship, isn’t marriage.

I don’t think he wants to get married at all. Either he felt things were off and thought proposing and marriage would fix it (I know several couples who did this and their marriage lasted a few months) and it hasn’t or something has changed. Maybe realised it’s a financial risk, or that he doesn’t want to do it or had his head turned.

There is some compromise possible here.
I very much want to be married for the legal protection and the demonstration of commitment to our family unit. I really don’t want a party. I don’t want to spend the money and I dislike being the centre of attention.
My partner doesn’t give a fuck about the legal protections and demonstration of commitment but he really wants a party.
We are getting married, and having a party that he is organizing, on a limited budget.
I will choose a nice dress for myself and turn up to the party! I am also organizing the legal registry office bit, which will probably actually happen after the party because my partner set the party date before I had a date from the registry office.

Sorry you've had this shock and commend you for being sensible by taking some breathing space.
However you do need to have a face to face talk as to what he exactly means by "marriage stuff", especially by what he means by "the papers"
I advise that you pull him up on any vague answers, you deserve an explanation, and he needs to act like a mature adult and stop pissing about.

I’m not surprised if you usually refer to him as my “finance”. Sounds a bit grabby.

He may have just asked for romantic reasons and not thought about the legal side. It boggles my mind but a lot of people seem to do this.

when you speak about it, ask for a straight answer. If he doesn't want to be legally married, then it is possible he wants to make a romantic gesture but then you could have an eternity ring or hamdfasting or whatever, if that's what you both want.

These men who don’t care about “a piece of paper” care a lot about £50 notes, house deeds, car insurance certs etc. Those are also pieces of paper.

Marriage is a legal contract.

Without marriage, there is no legal tie between you and this man. Do not buy property with him, do not have children with him, do not do anything that reduces your earnings.

I was like this. Although I was happy to get married, I didn’t want to get married in a church, or have a big fuss.

Sounds daft but the thing I was most uncomfortable about was being the centre of attention! We had a registry office ceremony with lunch for about 40 at home, followed by a party in the garden with another 20 or so. So it was pretty relaxed, but still more than I thought I could cope with.

Surprisingly on the day, being the centre of attention didn’t bother me. I was just happy at all the love and well wishes that came our way.

Perhaps try taking your fiancé at his word, and see what sort of wedding he wants and if you can live with it. If not then work towards a compromise.

does he simply want a small wedding, in a field?
no big lavish ceremony or celebrations?

What does he say if you say you’ll just go and get married in a registry office with witnesses? I would be incredibly hurt. Like you say. He didn’t need to ask you if he didn’t believe in marriage

you need to ask him not us op

Do you want children OP? I ask because my friend’s DH is a bit like this. They had no engagement ring (he doesn’t believe in them) a quick registry office wedding (his idea) that I could tell the bride was disappointed by, and a small party that the groom got bored of and left because he is such a free spirit, leaving her to entertain friends and family on her own. She said she didn’t mind and admires him being true to his feelings etc etc.

Then they had kids. And he is still a free spirit. Too free to do childcare, or night wakings, or anything he doesn’t feel like doing. Any family event, he wanders off. He has less manners than the average child.

She now regrets the marriage but feels trapped by the kids. It is sad. I think they would have been ok if they never had kids cos basically she acted like his mum and he loved it but that didn’t work anymore when she became a real mum.

This may not be your fiance! But the warning signs are there. He is treating you selfishly already and it’s weird. Has he asked what you want? Does he compromise? Does he, crucially, put you first? Or is he just a bit self-centred?

Agree with others - is it the wedding itself (could have a civil or humanist ceremony) or marriage.

I know people who just sauntered up to the registry office in jeans & t shirt, signed the paperwork & went back to work etc.

But if he does not want to get married cover your back legally with house purchases, finances, wills etc...

he doesnt come across as very appealing op.

It's an excuse. Could easily have a registry office wedding