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Original poster

Finance doesn't want to get married

88 replies

Dorri82 · 04/09/2022 11:11

Hi
Background.. been with my partner just over 2 years. He proposed to me in January. It was well thought out, beautiful ring, on the beach watching the sunrise and said he'd planned it 2 months previous.

A couple of discussions on what we'd like our wedding to be, both agreeing on a quiet affair, just us and then probably a family party later.

Then life happens and we don't talk much more about it, until I bring it up recently. He's a bit standoffish and doesn't seem that interested so I dig deeper... apparently he loves me and likes the idea of the marriage values and all that comes with it, without the paper and the "hassle" and the party etc.

So I'm confused and asks if we're still getting married and he's very vague with his answers and says he'd marry me tomorrow if it wasn't for all the stuff that comes with it as its not for him.

I'm obviously really hurt as it feels like he made this huge romantic beautiful gesture of love and commitment, and now has taken it away.

I've sent him off to our caravan as i need a bit of space to process as I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
I was never one of those girls who felt they needed to get married etc, nor did I ever hint that I wanted a proposal. It was all off his own back and I was over the moon about it. So I just think its cruel what he's saying now. And I don't understand.

He never needed to ask me if he didn't believe in marriage. Our relationship wouldn't have changed either way.

Obviously we need to have a proper conversation but I'm not sure how I feel at all.

How would anyone else deal with this? Xx

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 04/09/2022 11:49

do you have financial commitments together?
how old is he?

Netrandom · 04/09/2022 12:07

Money talks - but it don’t sing and dance and it don’t walk ….. or want to marry apparently

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 04/09/2022 12:10

ZealAndArdour · 04/09/2022 11:31

I’m not surprised if you usually refer to him as my “finance”. Sounds a bit grabby.

😆

2bazookas · 04/09/2022 12:14

So the only actual bit of marriage he wants from/with you, is the sex, laundry, dinners, and saving his life from man flu. In a caravan.

I think you should aim higher.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/09/2022 12:14

You already agreed when he proposed to a quiet affair and family party

Now he doesn't want the paper and the hassle and the party...

Sounds like he's backtracking. He proposed to you and now he is basically saying he doesn't want to get married.

If you haven't already, do not share finances. And definitely don't have children with him.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 04/09/2022 12:17

DH and I got engaged BUT DH was like your DP, baulking at the actual wedding. Turns out he didn't want to do all that "I love you" stuff in front of his parents! In the end, after five years of being engaged, I gave him an ultimatum. Four months later we had a blissful wedding day with a register office ceremony. I think he talked to some mates about their weddings and they convinced him it was normal and not embarrassing.
Have a listen to what's bothering your ''finance', OP, and don't leave it five years!

DogInATent · 04/09/2022 12:20

@Dorri82
Quick question, but it may help us understand the problem.

Would you object to having a low-key registry wedding with two good friends as witnesses (no other guests) followed by a nice meal in a local restaurant?

HappyScot2022 · 04/09/2022 12:26

Maybe show him elopement style weddings find somewhere you both really love just the two of you and your celebrant. It will be really intimate and romantic. I'm a total introvert and wish we had done that instead of thinking we had to have a traditional wedding. It was a beautiful day but there was so much stress around it all. But he needs to clarify it is the wedding and not being married that is the issue.

littlebirdieblu · 04/09/2022 12:32

It reads to me like he wants to marry you but without a fuss. That doesn't mean he's called off the engagement. Just tell him to book the registry office and do it just the 2 of you.

Upwiththelark76 · 04/09/2022 12:35

Have you considered a very small wedding - like literally parents / siblings?

no big deal I’m not married been with my partner 20 years I’m completely indifferent. What matters is you have a good relationship

KangarooKenny · 04/09/2022 12:37

It’s fair enough if he’s changed his mind, he’s allowed to.
I think you need to decide if you want him or marriage more.

clarepetal · 04/09/2022 12:38

SpinCityBlues · 04/09/2022 11:20

[He] says he'd marry me tomorrow if it wasn't for all the stuff that comes with it as its not for him.

This seems pretty clear to me.

He wants a simple register office ceremony without faff and fuss.

This!

Rainbowqueeen · 04/09/2022 12:40

What do you want OP? Be very clear about that.

Then talk to him and work out if there is a compromise that you can both be happy with. If he is saying he doesn’t want any form of marriage but you do, then walk away.

SpinCityBlues · 04/09/2022 12:40

Or maybe he can't be arsed with the planning of it all. I'm a bit like that tbh, as I'm sure my 'finance' will confirm.

However I'm not a lazy arse outwith wedding stuff. You need to watch for that, as you've only know him for 2 years. Is he generally lazy?

Is he feeling skint? Worried? (Who isn't?)

WizdomE · 04/09/2022 12:54

It’s possible it’s an after effect of Covid (I’m presuming you have spent a lot of time together during lockdown).
take time to explore if and why marriage is important to you and ask him to do the same, then sit down and have a calm grown up discussion ‘no blame or accusations’ of what you both want and where you will/will not compromise. Once you’ve done this it will be easy to see if you should continue forward, it may however be difficult to A decision and act, be careful of humming and hawing about a decision.

TurquoiseDragon · 04/09/2022 12:55

BeetrootBeetrootGhali · 04/09/2022 11:32

These men who don’t care about “a piece of paper” care a lot about £50 notes, house deeds, car insurance certs etc. Those are also pieces of paper.

Marriage is a legal contract.

Without marriage, there is no legal tie between you and this man. Do not buy property with him, do not have children with him, do not do anything that reduces your earnings.

Absolutely agree with this.

I learned the hard way, really hard.

Objectionhearsayspeculation · 04/09/2022 12:59

You know he loves you which is what is matters most, although I understand why you are hurt. I would have hated the same things as your DP and my DH missed his late parents. We married at Gretna Green, had lunch in the hotel and cleared off to Edinburgh for a few days honeymoon and didn't bother with any parties or fuss.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 04/09/2022 13:03

Why don’t you just go to the town hall just you two and get married? No fuss.

DogInATent · 04/09/2022 13:08

I've sent him off to our caravan

Anyone else getting visions of the future for this relationship...

hewouldwouldnthe · 04/09/2022 13:09

Ask him to run away to Gretna green with you. No faff. All done. Pretty romantic (if the weathers nice)

LimeCheesecake · 04/09/2022 13:15

You need to talk to him. Face to face, not messages so you can see his reaction - say would he like to be married but not have a wedding, and if so, would he like the idea of just booking a registry office, with complete strangers as witnesses ? Of if he really wants to include family, just invite both sets of parents as witnesses.

if he doesn’t want to be married, what does he want, and listen. What is he offering you ?

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/09/2022 13:17

ZealAndArdour · 04/09/2022 11:31

I’m not surprised if you usually refer to him as my “finance”. Sounds a bit grabby.

Oh fgs she’s pouring her heart out here.

Hes not sounding like dh material, you should be able to trust them 100%. If they say they’ll do something then back out it’s not great.

IncompleteSenten · 04/09/2022 13:21

I'd realise he didn't want to marry me. I'd give the ring back and stop calling us engaged and then I'd spend a bit of time deciding whether I wanted to stay

been and done it. · 04/09/2022 13:52

My children had 2 very different marriage events...one had the full English and the other had a registry office with just the close family..both were equally lovely. We went to the local Harvester for the second one and paid for a night in a nice rural hotel. Maybe this is more what your partner has in mind. You just need to talk about it not shunt him off to the caravan where he might be wondering whether its all worth it at all.

Andromachehadabadday · 04/09/2022 13:55

hewouldwouldnthe · 04/09/2022 13:09

Ask him to run away to Gretna green with you. No faff. All done. Pretty romantic (if the weathers nice)

The doesn’t address his reference to the paper though. He like the idea of marriage without the paper, party and hassle.

So I don’t think it is just the size of the wedding.

I think PP makes a good point, above.The majority of the relationship has been while covid and the Pandemic has been hanging over us.

I think a lot of people in relationships, that started during the pandemic, may find that now we are living pretty normally, things have changed and the relationship isn’t the same.

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