Finance doesn't want to get married

[Dorri82]

Hi
Background.. been with my partner just over 2 years. He proposed to me in January. It was well thought out, beautiful ring, on the beach watching the sunrise and said he'd planned it 2 months previous.

A couple of discussions on what we'd like our wedding to be, both agreeing on a quiet affair, just us and then probably a family party later.

Then life happens and we don't talk much more about it, until I bring it up recently. He's a bit standoffish and doesn't seem that interested so I dig deeper... apparently he loves me and likes the idea of the marriage values and all that comes with it, without the paper and the "hassle" and the party etc.

So I'm confused and asks if we're still getting married and he's very vague with his answers and says he'd marry me tomorrow if it wasn't for all the stuff that comes with it as its not for him.

I'm obviously really hurt as it feels like he made this huge romantic beautiful gesture of love and commitment, and now has taken it away.

I've sent him off to our caravan as i need a bit of space to process as I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
I was never one of those girls who felt they needed to get married etc, nor did I ever hint that I wanted a proposal. It was all off his own back and I was over the moon about it. So I just think its cruel what he's saying now. And I don't understand.

He never needed to ask me if he didn't believe in marriage. Our relationship wouldn't have changed either way.

Obviously we need to have a proper conversation but I'm not sure how I feel at all.

How would anyone else deal with this? Xx

He has 2 children from a previous relationship, you have a dd. His ex texts all the time and you feel put out by that.

It is not as simple as you are framing it.

Oh

where has the op said this?

There is nothing conformist about getting married these days. A high and growing proportion of people don't. If anything, getting married is bucking the trend. It also provides a legal basis for building a life together that won't get snatched away if one of you unexpectedly dies. So it may not be fashionable, but it is a common sense thing to do. It is also clear that you want to be married. Reneging on the proposal is causing you a lot of distress, which is not what a loving and committed person would do. Either he cares about you enough not to hurt you, or he doesn't. If none of these arguments wash, then I am sorry, but he just isn't worth holding onto. He is flaky and will cause you more problems in the future than it is worth bringing into your life.

Absolutely this.

This is a man who has wobbles.

He is NOT trustworthy or dependable.

I wouldn't be having children with him.

He's the type to change his mind about fatherhood after he's agreed to TTC and you are pregnant.

He's a headfxxker.

@MrsLargeEmbodied It's called the search function

I disagree with the posters saying you ought to go back to him and coax him into an elopement or registrar ceremony. You already agreed to having a small ceremony with just you!

Now what's his excuse?

He doesn't want to get married. Okay, that's not a crime (though it used to be basis for a tortial claim). But when the hell was he going to tell you this?

You're not engaged. Give him back the ring. Bullet dodged.

Let me be the fourth person to say, YEAH, THIS!!

The best thing you could do, actually, is end the relationship. Whilst he is drama queening in his caravan. If he wants to marry you, he’ll chase after you. If he doesn’t, well, you’ve saved some time and can start looking for someone else.

OP, has anything changed since you got engaged? I ask only because sometimes things change, and then perceptions change, etc.

Often people on these threads are quick to point out that “he’s just not that into you,” etc etc when it’s often not as straightforward as that.

Case in point: me and dp got engaged 7 years ago. We didn’t set an actual date because there were things which needed to happen e.g. his finding a job here etc, but the intent was there.

Then life happened. Serious illness on my part when I was pretty much out of action for 3 years. Then surgery, then the pandemic, and here we are 7 years on.

And tbh I don’t really care now about whether we get married. We’re not going to have kids together, I own my own house, for me there seems little point. If he really wanted to I’m not against the idea, but if I do then it will be a pop down to the registry office in my lunch break kind of affair. I refuse to pay money for a party which I could use to live on.

Ultimately you need to talk to him and to ask exactly what it is he meant. If it’s a definite no then ask yourself whether marriage is that important to you. It doesn’t have to be. Assuming you don’t have children together then there’s not really any reason why you should feel you want to get married. And if the relationship is good otherwise and you’re not bothered, then there’s no reason you have to split either.

I would keep the ring though ;)

I was your fiancé in this scenario. Absolutely wanted to marry my husband but didn't want all the weight or expense that comes from a wedding. If I could have done it with an online form I would have done it instantly. It was nothing to do with my feelings for him.

Right, but did you agree to a small wedding and then change your mind, without actually telling your fiance? Did your fiance have to chase you to find out what was happening?

both agreeing on a quiet affair, just us and then probably a family party later

He proposes, he agrees on this ⏫ completely sensible plan, and now he's playing silly buggers?

Yeah, that would put me right off him too...

If you're looking for a long-term relationship he's only got himself to blame if you take a better offer.

If he’s alternative you could look at doing hand fasting or something less traditional.

He objects to that little piece of paper. Funny how other little pieces of paper never seem to bother men.

My ex did this, tbf I was only 19 and he was 24, but he proposed to me, then when I started mentioning a few months later about when we should get married, he didn't give a shit and said it was up to me to plan it all. Stayed together nearly 2 years after and he never mentioned it again. He was an arsehole and thank my lucky stars I never married him. You need to speak to him and ask why he asked you in the first place? X

Maybe OP doesn’t want just the two of them. Maybe her parents would like to watch their daughter get married and would be crushed to miss it. Maybe that would cause a huge family row.

Why should this man get to choose everything about the wedding, simply because he refuses to do it any other way? That sort of behaviour does not bode well for the marriage.

OP - marriage is not just a piece of paper. It’s a public commitment, in front of everyone who’s important to both of you, that you’ll love and respect each other, share finances and children, be monogamous, look after each other when ill, and so on. It’s also a legal contract affecting m rights over property, creating a new next of kin, destroying any previous wills, giving right to financial support if the wealthier spouse suddenly leaves etc etc.

Both the public commitment and the legal protections were important to me to have before I’d share finances or have children with my husband. If this man won’t give you those things, ask him why. And “I’m too cool it just ain’t me babe” is not a good enough answer.

I've done the big wedding before and hated it. That I'm getting married 2 weeks today and my DP and the children are going to the registry office, the following day we are going to lunch with my parents and mil and on the weekend we are having a house warming with closet friends. Maybe he just wants small, extremely small. I wouldn't say your relationship is over. You just need to find a middle ground on what you both would be happy with.

Exactly

Op says that he also said

apparently he loves me and likes the idea of the marriage values and all that comes with it, without the paper and the "hassle" and the party etc.

He just likes the idea of marriage. Without the paper and hassle.

Its not just the wedding. He likes the idea of marriage but not actual marriage, as marriage without the piece of paper is not marriage.

until op actually has a full conversation with him about it and he clarity’s, it appears it’s both the party and actually being legally tied to somebody. A small registry office won’t fix that bit.

@Dorri82 sounds like he doesn't want a big wedding with a fuss- suggest you elope and see what his reaction is.
Me and my partner have been engaged 4 years- I'm the one who doesn't want a fuss so when we get married it will be small and non fussy. I'll have a dress and we'll have pictures but a big wedding is my worst nightmare.

Sorry I can't understand why women ( and some men) go ga ga over weddings. They are a massive expense and all the ones I've been to where they seemed to care more about the outward extravaganza are now divorced. Just run off to Gretna green. Done.

I understand the whole 'free spirit' thing as I have a lot of friends like this too. Very understandable to not want to be part of the 'rat race' etc.

But it sounds like it's more than this - it sounds like he simply doesn't know himself very well and is chopping and changing his mind. That would drive me mad.

Are you sure you want to be with someone who lacks such a basic knowledge of his own values and what he wants?

Also, something for him to consider - Sometimes, things are part of the 'rat race'/ mainstream for a reason. You don't reject something just because it's mainstream and you don't want to follow the crowd - you reject it because you actually don't believe in it.

Which is it for him? The truth is that marriage benefits women hugely more than men, on average - and far fewer women 'object' to it - isn't that strange?

The nonsense people put up with to stay in a relationship is astounding

That's fine that it worked for you, but too many heartbroken women on here who haven't won that particular lottery. It's too big a risk. It also says a lot about a man who would do this and none of it is good.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper either. Particularly if you have children.

Thank you

Always good to have additional info.