Finance doesn't want to get married

[Dorri82]

Hi
Background.. been with my partner just over 2 years. He proposed to me in January. It was well thought out, beautiful ring, on the beach watching the sunrise and said he'd planned it 2 months previous.

A couple of discussions on what we'd like our wedding to be, both agreeing on a quiet affair, just us and then probably a family party later.

Then life happens and we don't talk much more about it, until I bring it up recently. He's a bit standoffish and doesn't seem that interested so I dig deeper... apparently he loves me and likes the idea of the marriage values and all that comes with it, without the paper and the "hassle" and the party etc.

So I'm confused and asks if we're still getting married and he's very vague with his answers and says he'd marry me tomorrow if it wasn't for all the stuff that comes with it as its not for him.

I'm obviously really hurt as it feels like he made this huge romantic beautiful gesture of love and commitment, and now has taken it away.

I've sent him off to our caravan as i need a bit of space to process as I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
I was never one of those girls who felt they needed to get married etc, nor did I ever hint that I wanted a proposal. It was all off his own back and I was over the moon about it. So I just think its cruel what he's saying now. And I don't understand.

He never needed to ask me if he didn't believe in marriage. Our relationship wouldn't have changed either way.

Obviously we need to have a proper conversation but I'm not sure how I feel at all.

How would anyone else deal with this? Xx

In my (many, many) years of observing relationships I have learned a few things.

Firstly, men are not afraid of commitment - they're just afraid of commitment to the wrong woman. If they want to marry you, heart & soul, then they can't get to the wedding fast enough.

Secondly, if a wedding is just a meaningless exchange of paperwork (in their eyes) then they should still marry you because they know how important it is to you. After all, it's no skin off their nose.

Thirdly, if you call off the engagement and end the relationship and he doesn't come running after you, then he was never, ever going to marry you, anyway.

I speak as someone who walked away from an 11 year relationship because my partner couldn't decide if he wanted to get married. So I decided for both of us, and left. After a few weeks he realised how much he really wanted me and moved Heaven and Earth to marry me as fast as humanely possible. Been very happily married for 20 years now.

Offer to book next registry office slot and see what he says.

@Dorri82
He's a bit of a free spirit and had this thing about conforming to society... and it feels like he's going through one of his 'I shall not be part of the rat race'

What does this mean exactly?
How does this show in his life/views?

@Dorri82 this"free spirit" thing and living off the grid and having a wobble comment you made - what if he decides this when you have children and are not married? He sounds too much of a risk for me.he doesn't sound committed. You deserve someone who can't wait to cement your relationship.

He doesn't sound to me as if he's chopping and changing.

He proposed. He says he wants to be married.

But he doesn't want a big wedding.

So OP needs to decide how important the wedding is for her, compared to the marriage itself. And then if it's the wedding, decide on whether this relationship has a future as you want different things.

If it's marriage, then elope

If he won't elope, the he's stringing you along, and it's decision point for you

You're right to be hurt and confused. Have either of you been married before?

What do you think is going to happen? Would you stay with him if marriage was back off the table?

Old thread wonder what happened in the end

Or he doesn’t want the legal implications…

Talk to him. I dislike the institution of marriage on the grounds of its patriarchal history and baggage, but agreed to marry as my longtime DP wanted to — we just had two witnesses and had a fancy lunch. I’d rather have not married, but it meant a lot to someone I love. If your boyfriend doesn’t want the legal ties, that’s a different matter, and one to think about very seriously. There are ways of replicating some, though not all, of the financial stuff, via legal documents. Would you consider a civil partnership? I’d have done that if it had been available to straight people then. Are you planning children?

He's a bit of a free spirit and had this thing about conforming to society... and it feels like he's going through one of his 'I shall not be part of the rat race' kinda phases

Oh please 🙄

& Why do people suggest telling him you can have a simple Register Office wedding - when he's an adult who could/would know this is a possibility but the bottom line is he doesn't want to get married anyway so what difference does it make?

2 years? If you want to be married OP I'd dump him. I don't know your age or whether you want children but in terms of timescale and his attitude maybe thats something you need to take into account too. As I guess if you stayed with him and had children 'without the piece of paper' he'd be happy enough wouldn't he.

I know at least 2 men who were with their partners for years but ended up marrying someone else. Maybe those women weren't prepared to listen to 'piece of paper' nonsense. Unless you're living off-grid we are all conforming in some way anyway

Sigh. This thread is from September last year.

Why don't you elope just the two of you.I never fancied a massive wedding with all the crap that comes with it.We ended up getting married on the beach in Barbados just the two of us.

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️