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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

CF Acquaintance turned up today despite refusing invite

910 replies

Grumpusaurus · 02/09/2022 01:04

We live in a popular tourist destination and after numerous people took advantage of us, we nip it in the bud now. Most seem to follow the same script by contacting us out of the blue and mentioning that it would be so lovely to see us. I now answer in a very friendly manner that it has been years since we last heard from them and it would indeed be lovely to catch up over coffee in a nearby spot when they are in the area. This does tend to put an end to most of those potential CFs, however, one acquaintance pushed back and asked to stay with us at the beginning of September. I told her that this would not be possible, especially as we have a very tight deadline and will be working flat out to finish a commission. DH and I are self-employed craftspeople and sometimes we do work all day and most of the night to finish pieces and the DC stay at their grandparents during that last push. Not heard back from the acquaintance since July even though she clearly read my WhatsApp message.

The doorbell went this evening, I ignored it as DH and I were in the middle of working on our commission but someone kept pushing the bell. Our property is an L-shape so you can see from our workshop who is at the front door. CF acquaintance was standing there with a suitcase! DH is more of a people pleaser and while really cheesed off was about to answer the door till I told him no bloody way! He redeemed himself by immediately agreeing. The bell went a few more times and then got a flurry of WhatsApp messages, which I ignored. She eventually left after half an hour. I am almost bemused by the cheek of it but there is no way I am going to let anyone railroad me into being their free accommodation and greatly inconveniencing us, especially while we literally get up to work all hours and fall into bed. DH is fretting about her coming back but I told that we will just continue to ignore the doorbell. We have a back gate to a dirt track we can stealth like leave the property if she is holding a siege at the front door 😎 There are plenty of hotels and B&Bs in the area, albeit quite dear. Who does that! A rhetorical question but am just shocked by the cheek of just turning up after saying emphatically No!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
15
WitchDancer · 03/09/2022 09:46

Definitely don't tell her you're sorry! This is a master CF at work and you are doing brilliantly at thwarting her.

Midpmcoffee · 03/09/2022 09:48

This reply has been deleted

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SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 09:49

All the well-meaning (and clearly very nice) people suggesting a reply along the lines of 'shame we missed you, would love to catch up next time you're in the area' are missing the very obvious fact that the CF WOULD take this as an invitation to come again.

I agree.

A message needs to be constructed which is not bitchy as that’s not OP but also very clear.

I would say something like - sorry we missed you yesterday. As I told you previously we are unavailable this week. I hope you have a lovely time. We will let you know when we’re next in YOUR area for a catch up.

Midpmcoffee · 03/09/2022 09:51

The OP isn't ignoring the CF. She is simply prioritising appropriately. The CF will be responded to when the more important things are dealt with.

like posting on mumsnet 😂

Midpmcoffee · 03/09/2022 09:53

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 09:49

All the well-meaning (and clearly very nice) people suggesting a reply along the lines of 'shame we missed you, would love to catch up next time you're in the area' are missing the very obvious fact that the CF WOULD take this as an invitation to come again.

I agree.

A message needs to be constructed which is not bitchy as that’s not OP but also very clear.

I would say something like - sorry we missed you yesterday. As I told you previously we are unavailable this week. I hope you have a lovely time. We will let you know when we’re next in YOUR area for a catch up.

But why would you even say that when likely no intention to contact her if on her area.

Just a “as I said, not possible. Enjoy your week. We are flat out this week so will sign off now”

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/09/2022 09:53

She reminds me of Father Stone in the episode of Father Ted, where somebody whom you really don't want to host imposes themselves on you and you just sit there in silence for hours, or at best making tedious small talk.

I realise they want to save themselves a lot of money, but it can't be very pleasant for the CF either, knowing that they're being vaguely tolerated but aren't wanted - unless they genuinely believe that everybody loves their company.

Ofcourseshecan · 03/09/2022 10:03

Grumpusaurus · 03/09/2022 00:13

Why?

Good idea, you look like nice reasonable people, it defuses any drama and stops her pretending you’d stood her up.

KangFang · 03/09/2022 10:11

I would never answer her messages. Ever.

Leave her wondering and questioning.
That's way more fun and it's all she deserves.

MinnieGirl · 03/09/2022 10:16

KangFang · 03/09/2022 10:11

I would never answer her messages. Ever.

Leave her wondering and questioning.
That's way more fun and it's all she deserves.

Totally agree.
As soon as you reply she has ammunition and will start her CF behaviour again.
Just totally ignore, and if it’s ever mentioned by her or any of your social circle, just look baffled, and say we told her/you that we couldn’t host you why would you then turn up?

SeeSeaC · 03/09/2022 10:33

I'm with you , just ignore her

BruceAndNosh · 03/09/2022 10:33

Did CF mention in her messages where she stayed?
Like "I got a hotel for the night" which implies she's still planning on staying with OP.

BruceAndNosh · 03/09/2022 10:37

If I - like the CF - thought I'd made arrangements 2 months in advances to stay with someone, I'd drop them a line the day before saying "I'll plan to arrive at your place around 7".
The absence of such messages makes it clear that the CF knew she didn't have an invite but was planning on the OP to not have the balls to send her away!

ShandaLear · 03/09/2022 10:40

Good Lord, no, don’t reply at all. You don’t like her, you don’t want her to stay with you, and you barely even know her. She is trying to impose herself on you. Any communication, even a negative one, will reinforce the ‘relationship’ in her mind and make her think she can arrange to come over again. I’d mute her, or even block her.

SimonaRazowska · 03/09/2022 10:49

Good for you for not putting up with this!

that string of messages is just so off! Like she is spamming you

SunnyD44 · 03/09/2022 10:52

But why would you even say that when likely no intention to contact her if on her area.

Just a “as I said, not possible. Enjoy your week. We are flat out this week so will sign off now”

Yes you could do. That would be fine.

But OP originally said how they go quiet if she mentions going to their area so I think I’d have to say it out of pettiness, so she ends up worrying I’ll turn up at her door one day.

RandomMess · 03/09/2022 10:53

If I message you privately and correctly guess what you do can I come and visit 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

TBF I'd just be fascinated to see your work in stages to completion!

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 03/09/2022 11:02

OP you're a legend. I think you should also be writing (maybe you already do...)

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 03/09/2022 11:06

OK, so clearly you wrote that she couldn't come as you would be busy working and she read that you will be there because you're working and completely ignored the 'no' part. It's such a typical CF attitude.

Anyway, you're right to ignore. You were very clear and if she has flown herself to a destination without having somewhere to stay it's not your problem. She's an adult she can sort it out herself. But now you know not to give an excuse/explanation, just say 'No, that doesn't work for us' and maybe 'Please stop asking'. Excuses are just something that she latch on to in order to ignore the 'No'. If she has a go at you in person or with others present don't say anything about yourself or what you were doing just keep saying "I don't understand why you were there when I was very clear that you couldn't visit". Push it all on to her behaviour and don't give reasons why you didn't open the door.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 03/09/2022 11:14

Your DC's artistic abilities might manifest once they find the right media. I was never artistic at all despite my DM completely mastering every art and craft that she tried. But then I started quilting and because it's more geometric and you can use tools for accuracy it bypassed my poor hand-eye coordination and let me play with colour which is the thing that I love the most.

MzHz · 03/09/2022 11:18

RandomMess · 03/09/2022 10:53

If I message you privately and correctly guess what you do can I come and visit 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

TBF I'd just be fascinated to see your work in stages to completion!

@RandomMess , @Grumpusaurus will say no, you will stalk her and turn up anyway and can then play the MN embedded CF and basically break Mumsnet posting from the door step 🤣😂

AhNowTed · 03/09/2022 11:25

Those messages, Jesus.

I wouldn't reply either. Plausible deniability of ever having received them.

RandomMess · 03/09/2022 11:30

@MzHz 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I could be their lackey making meals and food Wink could possibly even stretch to childcare Shock

Nobetterthansheoughttobe · 03/09/2022 11:31

Midpmcoffee · 03/09/2022 09:39

numerous people took advantage of us, we nip it in the bud now. Most seem to follow the same script by contacting us out of the blue and mentioning that it would be so lovely to see us

I wonder how many times this has actually happened. That “numerous” people in your life a) have your number b) know where you live c) close enough to ask to stay with you and you say yes

i suspect a little hyperbole in the op

Oh, ffs. How childish you sound
This is a brilliant thread, with OP and MNs being fun, lighthearted and witty. It's certainly my train journey bearable.
Take you bucket of cold water, po-face and sense of humour failure to another thread

BillieJeanBing · 03/09/2022 11:39

Omg those messages! Proper CF with absolutely no shame

OriginalUsername2 · 03/09/2022 11:43

It’s so refreshing to see strong boundaries against CFs!

This is how it’s done! 👏

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