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Original poster

Need advice.. unusual situation

85 replies

Esra09 · 01/09/2022 21:12

So, very unusual story but ill do my best to explain.

i split up with my ex when i was 22. bad, young relationship but genuinely the love of my life. always spoke about him and wished we worked out. Havent seen him once in all those years.

fast forward to 33. was working and his best friend (also havent seen him in all those years) passed into my workplace, we said hey and left it there. an hour later my ex walks in and said his friend had called to let him know he saw me.

he waited till the end of my shift and we met up and spoke. we'd go to eat, watch films, have lazy weekends together, then after 3 months, we kissed, slept together and its been nearly a year now. Any free time we have we spend together, i genuinely love him top to bottom and inside out, and him the same.

we have agreed that we'd never be together again (at the start) but like most girls my feelings have grown and i find myself wanting him 🥺🥺

im quite a reclusive person and dont meet people easily. is it better to torture myself with the facts that he'll never commit and at some point will meet someone, or continue as i love him and im very lonely? Sometimes something crap is better than nothing? Or pull yourself together and pull away? 😔

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 01/09/2022 21:45

You both agreed you’d never be together again (at the start)? The start from when? 10 years ago or last year?

Given it’s been a year since “the second start” and you’re still together, do you still think this? Does he?

If he’s still playing the field / dating others after a year then he’s just stringing you along.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/09/2022 21:50

Why do you think he'll never commit?
I think you need to have an honest conversation so that you know where you stand. And if he still doesn't want to commit, then end it now. A year is long enough. Not saying get married straightaway, but describing you as his gitlfriend/partner, making plans ahead like arrangements for Christmas or a holiday. If he's cagey, then you'll know.

random9876 · 01/09/2022 22:11

I think you need a straight conversation thing about what you both want. I too got together in my 30s with a man who I went out a decade earlier (now my DH!) but I don’t think the ‘young romance rekindled later’ has very much to do with your situation, though it may hurt more. You need to consider what you want now - is it compatible? If it isn’t and you want marriage, kids etc and he does not, you need to get out.

FlippertyGibberts · 01/09/2022 22:22

The story sounds unclear more than unusual TBF.

Original poster
Esra09 · 01/09/2022 22:40

We sort of said it at the start after meetinf up again. We've both changed alot as people and living together/long term is not something that would work. Neither of us are seeing or talking to anyone and havent been since we reconnected.

i just feel like without him ill be thrown back into huge loneliness. Constant battle of temporary happiness to see me through but heartbreak later on 😔

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Original poster
Esra09 · 01/09/2022 22:41

So so happy it worked out for you. I wish I could be so lucky! Im scared to have the conversation.. ignorance is bliss and all that😔

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DatingDinosaur · 01/09/2022 22:48

If neither of you are seeing / talking to anyone else then I think you’re worrying over nothing.

Enjoy what you have now instead of sabotaging it with thoughts of a conversation from a year ago which, it would seem, is no longer relevant.

Original poster
Esra09 · 01/09/2022 22:53

Thank you. Some days i agree with that exact logic. Much appreciated x

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FlippertyGibberts · 01/09/2022 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

Dery · 01/09/2022 23:13

@Esra09 - it’s unclear why you can’t be properly together now. As @DatingDinosaur says - enjoy what you have.

On a separate note, though: it does sound as if you’re overly dependent on him for company and that makes you a bit vulnerable. Do you have family and friends who you also spend time with? If not, I think it would be worth cultivating a few friendships and/or activities/interests which you enjoy separately from your time with him.

Original poster
Esra09 · 01/09/2022 23:18

I have def become quite dependent on him. It was never meant to be like this! I never really thought you could fall in love with the same person 11 years later but it happened!

all of my friends are married with young babies or live very far from me so it just seems unless im at work or with him, im not doing very much but over thinking the situation..

OP posts:
TrashPandas · 01/09/2022 23:22

We've both changed alot as people and living together/long term is not something that would work.

What does that mean?

Original poster
Esra09 · 02/09/2022 00:15

Our ideas of how to live dont align. He wants children raised one way, mine would be the opposite. He does things daily that i couldnt live with as my partner or childrens dad. We're both aware and for what it is, it doesnt really affect us. We just know living together or a normal family life would never work.

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Silvercurtains · 02/09/2022 00:23

If think you’re purposely being vague because you know we’ll all recommend you break up if you give specifics. It’s not healthy for a person’s whole life to be about work and one relationship. You need to find other things to do with your free time that will expand your social life and increase your confidence. Take up a new hobby, do some volunteer work etc. It sounds like you’re both settling for each other right now because you’re lonely but that’s not real love.

TheUsualChaos · 02/09/2022 00:23

Quite honestly if you don't think you are compatible in the sense of one day living together and having a family, and those are things you want in life, then it sounds like you need to let go and move on. Unless you would be happy to continue as you are indefinitely and possibly forego your chance to have a family.

Original poster
Esra09 · 02/09/2022 00:30

Thank you. You put it really nicely, much appreciated x

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 02/09/2022 00:40

You've both grown in the last 10 years.
Neither have met and settled with other people so that must mean something.
If you're happy bobbing along as you are now then stay with it who knows how things will turn out.

Original poster
Esra09 · 02/09/2022 00:43

This is what my heart tells me to do. Thank you for understanding 🤍🤍

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Itstrueiagree · 02/09/2022 01:18

If you already know that you couldn't live together without conflict over the way you both live your lives then I think you're wasting your time. You never know what's around the corner and you're stopping the potential for someone more suited coming into your life. In a way you're just using him as a stopgap so that you don't have to go through a break up and the pain of being on your own. However he could meet someone and dump you anyway. I don't mean to sound unkind but if you want kids then either ask him if it's possible for you to be together or leave the relationship. If he says he doesn't want to be with you then you haven't lost anything as there was never a chance anyway.

SettingsO · 02/09/2022 01:53

He’s a druggie stoner isn’t he?

Musti · 02/09/2022 01:53

Esra09 · 02/09/2022 00:15

Our ideas of how to live dont align. He wants children raised one way, mine would be the opposite. He does things daily that i couldnt live with as my partner or childrens dad. We're both aware and for what it is, it doesnt really affect us. We just know living together or a normal family life would never work.

Weird that you have such different views yet like each other.

TrashPandas · 02/09/2022 09:22

Esra09 · 02/09/2022 00:15

Our ideas of how to live dont align. He wants children raised one way, mine would be the opposite. He does things daily that i couldnt live with as my partner or childrens dad. We're both aware and for what it is, it doesnt really affect us. We just know living together or a normal family life would never work.

Okay, so there's no point "having the conversation" as you put it.

You both want children. You know that you're on a timer with that and he isn't, so you need to decide how many years of fertility you're happy to waste on him. Because when you're menopausal he'll still be able to find a woman he IS compatible with and have his family.

Original poster
Esra09 · 02/09/2022 09:45

I get what you're saying. Neither of us see it working long term as the things that we wouldnt agree on dont realy have a middle ground for compromise, we are aware.

i have one child and dont want more. he would like one as he has none.

the issue isnt us wanting to be together forever. I am wondering if its worth enjoying what we're currently doing and living in the moment so to speak.

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Original poster
Esra09 · 02/09/2022 09:46

Is it? I have many people i love and am close to, but we disagree on certain things/have different views. My closest friend is the complete opposite to me but i love her alot.

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Original poster
Esra09 · 02/09/2022 09:57

Thank you for your answer 🙂 i agree its probably stopping me meeting someone more suited to me. Love is stupid isnt it..

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