Need advice.. unusual situation

[Esra09]

So, very unusual story but ill do my best to explain.

i split up with my ex when i was 22. bad, young relationship but genuinely the love of my life. always spoke about him and wished we worked out. Havent seen him once in all those years.

fast forward to 33. was working and his best friend (also havent seen him in all those years) passed into my workplace, we said hey and left it there. an hour later my ex walks in and said his friend had called to let him know he saw me.

he waited till the end of my shift and we met up and spoke. we'd go to eat, watch films, have lazy weekends together, then after 3 months, we kissed, slept together and its been nearly a year now. Any free time we have we spend together, i genuinely love him top to bottom and inside out, and him the same.

we have agreed that we'd never be together again (at the start) but like most girls my feelings have grown and i find myself wanting him 🥺🥺

im quite a reclusive person and dont meet people easily. is it better to torture myself with the facts that he'll never commit and at some point will meet someone, or continue as i love him and im very lonely? Sometimes something crap is better than nothing? Or pull yourself together and pull away? 😔

What does he do every day that wouldn't be great as a father or around children?

So you're 33/34 with one child.
You're in a relationship with someone who has daily habits that are incompatible with yours /living with your child.
He wants kids, you don't want more and you wouldn't have them with him anyway.

Meanwhile you're enjoying the company /sex/etc because you don't have other friends or hobbies outside work.

Your biological clock isn't an issue if you genuinely don't want more kids, but if you do and are pretending not to because you wouldn't have them with this guy then do yourself a favour and break it off.
Likewise if his habits are harmful or uncomfortable for your child then break it off.

Focus on building a life for you (and your child)

Yes but you wouldn't share a future and a home with your child together with her as a partner (if she was a bloke, if you're straight) I presume?

He does things daily that i couldnt live with as my partner or childrens dad.

Can you give some examples, especially in relation to your child?

I've assumed it's smoking weed but could be wrong so interested to know.

exactly why im not doing any of those with him 😂 the issue is not our differences or whether it could work, it wouldnt. Its whether to ride the wave of spending time with someone i really or pull away now and feel a huge loss

Is there no middle point between how you could parent?

"What does he do every day that wouldn't be great as a father or around children?"

Smokes weed and talks a lot of "deep" shite is my guess.

That was my first guess.

honestly no.. neither of us are wrong or right or better than the other. Its just so different there isnt a middle ground to meet on..

I feel like the things me and him dont agree on will become the focus of the topic and thats not the issue. Just one of the reasons we'll never take the leap. its more that we're both happy but knowing it wont end with us together, is it worth just riding the happiness wave for now, or walk away from
someone i love sooner rather than later😔

If you're sure you don't want more children then I would personally be very happy with this set up. You have someone to spend time with and have sex with but you aren't financially linked, you have time to yourself, and your child doesn't have a stepfather imposed on him/her. There's going to be heartbreak, but there's no reason to make it now rather than in a few years. You're already in deep.

The only real danger is that you get so enamoured you become desperate to make it work and compromise on your standards. Do you think that's a risk?

I agree so much with the first part, hence why we're a year deep. Its the heartbreak im scared of. Its inevitable sooner or later. Its almost like knowing someones going to punch you, i get tense in my head worrying about it sometimes.

i would never change on the fact that we wouldnt work, and he's as solid on that as i am. our views have no middle and we're just enjoying it for what it is.. im just forward thinking, maybe i need to stop

thank you for your view, really helpful x

Its whether to ride the wave of spending time with someone i really or pull away now and feel a huge loss

Well, it's the second time you've been in this same situation with this same person. So logically you would be better to quit now before you waste any more years. Maybe losing you would give him the nudge he needs to sort himself out and become the partner you deserve?

One thing struck me from one of your earlier posts - you mention living a "reclusive" lifestyle. Could you change that? There's a saying I've found to be true:

Those that have much, love little;
Those that have little, love much."

I take that to mean, the less you've got going on in your life that brings you joy and happiness, the more you'll be needy/invested in relationships. So make your world bigger and you won't need him or feel as much if you split. Plus you'll have more chance of meeting someone without unsavoury or unsafe daily habits.

Op there is nothing unusual about this situation sadly. Woman too scared to ask for actual commitment or set any boundaries....very very common story ! Been there myself.

Ignorance is not bliss as you know deep down. Decide what you want..ask him if he wants the same. You are lonely now because you dont know how he feels and you are constantly anxious aboit him leaving you.

You need and deserve commitment...if he tells you he doesnt want it you can then move on.

So sad to read you describe it as like waiting for a blow. You sound like you bave an anxious attachment style and your low confidence means you are clinging on to a man who confirms your deep belief that you are unloveable.

Get some therapy op ! You can find real happiness.

I know you don't want to talk about what it is he does that means it couldn't work. But it does sound very much like drugs / drinking and more likely weed, as I'm guessing an alcoholic would have greater impact on your own direct relationship too. Only bringing this up as, if so, I was in a very similar situation many many moons ago. The man I thought was my soul mate was a stoner (and dealer as it happens) and never likely to change, no matter how much he loved me. He was incredibly sensitive, had an interesting perspective on life, 'got' me like nobody had, we shared a lot of history together and I loved his friends but this aspect of his life was a huge barrier for me. We both wanted kids but I could not imagine raising a child in that situation. As it happened, I actually got (accidentally) pregnant by him and the whole situation messed me right up. I chose to terminate as ultimately decided how I felt for him did not compensate for what I'd be bringing a child into. He cut me out completely, and it was probably for the best as I was quite "addicted" to him in a strange sense but knew it could never really work and he was always completely upfront that he was who he was and wouldn't change.

Apologies if I'm miles off the mark, but thought this may help if I'm right.

I think she's a pious Muslim librarian, he's a big drinking Catholic cam boy who WFH.

Sorry OP only trying to raise a smile. I think even if you stay "casual", when that goes on for years and years it can only go one of two ways - you come closer and depend on each other, or you keep a sort of hollow place in your life where the real love should be and can't be.

I'd ditch him now and try different things to overhaul your life.

its not far off at all. thank you for your insights x we are definetly addicted to eachother aswell. neither of us have ever caught the same high with another like we have together.

he is into many drugs but believes they arent harmful as they are natural.. mushrooms, dmt, weed. all of which affect his character, productivity. he's very late to it all aswell. Very anti drugs untill 28/29 apparently so there is no chance of growing out of it soon, nor does he want to stop.
thats just one of the things we dont align on. i never want to be posting 'im pregnant and we cant agree on how a child should be raised/should be vaccinated/shouldnt go to school' etc. But we have a deep love which has spanned more than half our lives now even with distance.

changing people creates resentment and its not sustainable. i can take him as he is with this arms length approach, but day in day out, bills not getting paid as he forgot, not waking up on his days off, terrible with money, forgetful. Its not a life i want.

its hard to leave your love. i have spoken to him so many times and said we need to end it here. he turns up, calls me from other numbers, says he misses me and i end up back knowing it will never end well.. sad really

Love that quote.. very fitting 💔

Muslim librarian and catholic alcholic would be more simple i swear 😂

What example were you set as a child about how adult relationships work, @Esra09 ?

What was your parents' relationship like with each other? With you? Was everybody respected? Were everybody's feelings heard and taken care of?

It's interesting that you're considering and incompatible relationship to avoid being lonely. Why are you lonely? There are other ways to rectify it. Have you tried anything?

you sound very wise tbh OP and like you know yourself and him very well.

I think there are sooo many "failed" relationships like this, it's far from the case that we all end up with the person with whom we have the most chemistry or the best sex. Often things like views, behaviour outside the relationship, and general "liveability" get in the way even of love. It's a sort of "pure" love in the same way that you get "pure" sugar, it's the real stuff but it can't sustain you through a lifetime.

What other fun life resources do you have around you? Friends? Family? (you have to have got your strong faith and love of books from somewhere... 😂) Fun things you do?

Your life needs to feel fuller and richer. Maybe you've actually exorcised this from your mind, have that extra confidence now and don't want or need to be a "recluse" any longer.

Its really interesting you ask this. My parents are basically me and him and everyone sees it too 😂 my mum is very together and my dad is still like a teenager at 55. My mum would shop carefully for food and my dad would buy a motorbike on credit card or spend his entire wage clearing a bar tab.

he is fire and im water. complete opposites but we have a good emotional connection and a love that just wont fade.

ive seen first hand from my parents that even the smallest traits, people are just how they are and you cant change the root of anyone..unsustainable. My dad could stop being silly with money - for a month. He's still crap!

he isnt wrong for being how he is, and im not right. just a shame we have such a deep love but such different views on the bigger topics. and i question constantly is the 'living in the now' worth the inevitable heartache later? Should i just enjoy? Who knows..

I try to be wise but when has anyone ever used logic over emotions.. Constant battle.

ive never wanted to kid myself that we'd work, its just living in the moment knowing something 💩 will happen is hard.

i have a child and cost of living is rising, ive made cut backs just to survive the bills! my friends are all far or married and im in a new area. im shy and find it hard to - even if i got out with my friends that are busy with babies - busy with partner - scheduled dont line up - meet people. He is in the forefront of my head when i see other men and even though they could be much better suited, the feelings i have for my first love always win.

we're both young, still look early 20's, goodlooking, its not hard to find others, we just dont want to (just also cant make it a thing that works past what we're doing now)😂😂😭😭

Well OP all I can say is it clearly isn't making you happy.

You won't be able to "get over him" while you're still seeing him!!!! You're mid thirties now and you are old enough to know that.

You talk about "we" and my guess is that with your long history you kind of feel very secure in this relationship - in a mutually hopeless sort of way. I guess my question is how will you feel if/when he meets someone with whom he has more in common? Someone with whom he could actually make a life? There's no real tie between you and I fear that this will happen at some point when you're in your later thirties or forties - and at that point you'll feel like you wasted all this time.