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Original poster

Need advice.. unusual situation

85 replies

Esra09 · 01/09/2022 21:12

So, very unusual story but ill do my best to explain.

i split up with my ex when i was 22. bad, young relationship but genuinely the love of my life. always spoke about him and wished we worked out. Havent seen him once in all those years.

fast forward to 33. was working and his best friend (also havent seen him in all those years) passed into my workplace, we said hey and left it there. an hour later my ex walks in and said his friend had called to let him know he saw me.

he waited till the end of my shift and we met up and spoke. we'd go to eat, watch films, have lazy weekends together, then after 3 months, we kissed, slept together and its been nearly a year now. Any free time we have we spend together, i genuinely love him top to bottom and inside out, and him the same.

we have agreed that we'd never be together again (at the start) but like most girls my feelings have grown and i find myself wanting him 🥺🥺

im quite a reclusive person and dont meet people easily. is it better to torture myself with the facts that he'll never commit and at some point will meet someone, or continue as i love him and im very lonely? Sometimes something crap is better than nothing? Or pull yourself together and pull away? 😔

OP posts:
OldFan · 02/09/2022 20:03

he isnt wrong for being how he is

Yes, he is.

OldFan · 02/09/2022 20:07

@Esra09 Why did you split up the first time ? (apart from being young.)

If he's relatively new to the drugs I imagine he could stop them actually. But you can't make him unfortunately. I think you should dump him and tell him to come back if he gives up the drugs.

I don't think your dad being crap with money is the same (or at least, it's not quite as bad.)

But if you really don't want another kid, I suppose that's a major incompatibility too, if he can't convince himself that he's ok without his own.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/09/2022 20:10

He sounds awesome! You don't want more kids, could he accept that? Could you stay together but not live together whilst being committed and monogamous? I don't know...it sounds like you really love each other and he sounds like a character. As long as you aren't expecting him to get up for night feeds or do the school run why would he be such a bad prospect?

Original poster
Esra09 · 02/09/2022 20:24

OldFan · 02/09/2022 20:07

@Esra09 Why did you split up the first time ? (apart from being young.)

If he's relatively new to the drugs I imagine he could stop them actually. But you can't make him unfortunately. I think you should dump him and tell him to come back if he gives up the drugs.

I don't think your dad being crap with money is the same (or at least, it's not quite as bad.)

But if you really don't want another kid, I suppose that's a major incompatibility too, if he can't convince himself that he's ok without his own.

He could definetly stop. He has a huge amount of willpower. I can see he genuinely loves it for now and the forseeable and doesnt want to. I dont want to tell anyone they should or shouldnt do something just because i dont like it. He's only harming himself and his own prospects. The drugs are one just thing on a long list.

He disagrees with children in school settings, he doesnt think they need vaccinations and should be brought up vegan. I can compromise to the moon and back but there is no middle ground on those issues.. half a vaccine? Secretly send them to school? Slip them a slice of cheese when he's not home? The list is endless but somehow we found our way back together for now and feel no different towards eachother 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Esra09 · 02/09/2022 20:31

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/09/2022 20:10

He sounds awesome! You don't want more kids, could he accept that? Could you stay together but not live together whilst being committed and monogamous? I don't know...it sounds like you really love each other and he sounds like a character. As long as you aren't expecting him to get up for night feeds or do the school run why would he be such a bad prospect?

Aww you're so sweet and open minded. He is really charismatic and a character to say the least. We do love eachother alot.. unfortunately i have to use my sense and not get caught up and imagine there could be a future. We are worlds apart on so much, its fair on nobody as it wouldnt be compromise, one of us would be completely bent out of shape to adjust to the other with regards to daily life, kids.. neither of us see or talk to anybody else, so its just a case of leave now or later...?!

OP posts:
OldFan · 02/09/2022 20:37

I reckon if he had to do the homeschooling he'd probably soon change his mind about that one. 😂

I couldn't stand him in any way, I would leave the building or at least go to the other side of the room.

The drugs may be on the surface effecting only him (without going into the problems the drugs trade cause) but they're disgusting, and I'd want a partner that wants to fulfill their own potential as a person (not necessarily when it comes to work, but when it comes to their wellbeing.) And the drugs will probably effect how he is in a relationship.

Why did you split up the first time? My experience is that it usually means you will split again.

How old is your DC?

Him wanting kids seems like the only stumbling block where you aren't prepared to compromise (he sounds like he has a thousand reasons a lot of women wouldn't have anything to do with him for more than a second before turning their backs on him, but there you go.)

If you met this person now as a stranger, for the first time, would you want to have anything more to do with them?

*Druggie
*Militant vegan, thinks kids should be vegan
*Antivaxer and probably has loads of other flakey beliefs

Or would you be rolling your eyes?

OldFan · 02/09/2022 20:41

The reason I'm not openminded to drugs is I've personally known the damage they can cause to the person.

They were what landed me in hospital for my bipolar for the first time. So that's part of why I find them disgusting. That and that people who're into them are often laughable clowns.

DatingDinosaur · 02/09/2022 21:31

DatingDinosaur · 01/09/2022 22:48

If neither of you are seeing / talking to anyone else then I think you’re worrying over nothing.

Enjoy what you have now instead of sabotaging it with thoughts of a conversation from a year ago which, it would seem, is no longer relevant.

@Esra09 after reading your updates I rescind this ^ comment.

Dump him. Do it now. Embrace the heartache.

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 21:59

I dont want to be in a relationship with him. Clearly you have trouble deciphering maybe 10 posts which say this lol?

Apologies, I took the comments you made below as you wanting to have more with him than you currently do?

In that you said your feelings have grown since agreeing you wouldn't be together, you now want him, it's torture to know he won't commit to you but could meet someone else etc.

Genuinely apologies if that's nothing close to what you meant?

I think you deserve more than a relationship that is in many ways making you anxious and torn, which is stopping you meeting someone you could build a lovely life with.

And the drugs just reinforce, IMO, that he isn't someone it's very healthy for you to be around or to be in the orbit of your son.

we have agreed that we'd never be together again (at the start) but like most girls my feelings have grown and i find myself wanting him 🥺🥺

im quite a reclusive person and dont meet people easily. is it better to torture myself with the facts that he'll never commit and at some point will meet someone, or continue as i love him and im very lonely?

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 22:01

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 21:59

I dont want to be in a relationship with him. Clearly you have trouble deciphering maybe 10 posts which say this lol?

Apologies, I took the comments you made below as you wanting to have more with him than you currently do?

In that you said your feelings have grown since agreeing you wouldn't be together, you now want him, it's torture to know he won't commit to you but could meet someone else etc.

Genuinely apologies if that's nothing close to what you meant?

I think you deserve more than a relationship that is in many ways making you anxious and torn, which is stopping you meeting someone you could build a lovely life with.

And the drugs just reinforce, IMO, that he isn't someone it's very healthy for you to be around or to be in the orbit of your son.

we have agreed that we'd never be together again (at the start) but like most girls my feelings have grown and i find myself wanting him 🥺🥺

im quite a reclusive person and dont meet people easily. is it better to torture myself with the facts that he'll never commit and at some point will meet someone, or continue as i love him and im very lonely?

Realised this sounded snarky. It's not, I promise. I'm sorry if I misunderstood your posts.

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