Need advice.. unusual situation

[Esra09]

So, very unusual story but ill do my best to explain.

i split up with my ex when i was 22. bad, young relationship but genuinely the love of my life. always spoke about him and wished we worked out. Havent seen him once in all those years.

fast forward to 33. was working and his best friend (also havent seen him in all those years) passed into my workplace, we said hey and left it there. an hour later my ex walks in and said his friend had called to let him know he saw me.

he waited till the end of my shift and we met up and spoke. we'd go to eat, watch films, have lazy weekends together, then after 3 months, we kissed, slept together and its been nearly a year now. Any free time we have we spend together, i genuinely love him top to bottom and inside out, and him the same.

we have agreed that we'd never be together again (at the start) but like most girls my feelings have grown and i find myself wanting him 🥺🥺

im quite a reclusive person and dont meet people easily. is it better to torture myself with the facts that he'll never commit and at some point will meet someone, or continue as i love him and im very lonely? Sometimes something crap is better than nothing? Or pull yourself together and pull away? 😔

As you can imagine i always think about him meeting someone who has the same things in common with him and it breaks my heart. Ive mentioned this to him when saying we need to pull away from eachother. He says yes on paper they may be better, but it wont be you and when it ends i know he'll call or write a letter or turn up. Over all the years i assumed he forgot about me. He didnt.

i dont initiate contact ever as i dont like to bother him when he's working. All contact and plans come from him. Every 'break' i stay away and do my thing - yes sad- but i get on with it. He cant stay away. Ive even changed my number at one point, week later he's at the door asking how i can go without speaking. No doubt in my mind he'll move on first, he's very social and im not. But i know him well and i cant see any woman putting up with him 😂 he's very turbulent and hard work in a relationship which is why i dont want one with him, i like what we're doing, just fearful of how/when it will end. It hurts to lose people you love alot..

He makes me happy. So happy. I feel like mary poppins tbh. The reconnection, the feelings are the same, the chemistry, so comfortable with him.. but When i think forward, i get very anxious. The loss of this current dynamic is always going to come. Just wonder if its worth it

I don't there's anything anyone here can say tbh, you're happy - carry on

Ah @Esra09 I thought may be the case. I know, it's tough. The trouble is, looking back, I think it was partly the situation itself which caused the "addiction" for me...don't know if it's like that for you. I was a straight A student on a pathway to greatness at uni, he was the 'bad boy' involved with all that (he actually wasn't bad at all, he was a total sweetheart most of the time. But it did impact his productivity like you say, so I don't think he was fulfilling his potential in the way he would have been otherwise). We were the archetypal Romeo & Juliet type story, Good Girl / Bad Boy, Fire & Ice as you say. And the romanticism of all that, the "it shouldn't happen" added a forbidden edge which fuelled the addiction. If you haven't already, read up on Limerence...it's a very real thing and clouds normal behaviour and makes it so hard to walk away.

Additionally, I believe in a warped sense the drugs were part of why I loved him. They contributed to his artistic, utterly beautiful outlook on life. He was like nobody I'd spent time with. He shared music and films I'd never even thought of- again, largely fuelled by being high. But they were also so frustrating. There were times I felt he just wasn't "there". Or he wouldn't be focused on important day to day things, or he'd get stressed/ anxious about irrational stuff - overly apathetic about others. There were (thankfully occasional) moments of ED too. It did frustrate him too- he once commented, whilst giggling (!) "I just feel like I'm messing this up, missing the moments with you". But he didn't want to change. He loved the high. I think he was scared who he was without it. Oddly, he really didn't want me to get involved doing it.

Anyway- had I not been very career driven and wanted a child (just not in his lifestyle), I think I would have stuck around for our weird "just chilling" type of companionship. When it was passionate, it was insanely intense and the quiet togetherness was perfect. But now many many years later, with kids, I would never have wanted them part of that. I went into actual withdrawal when he cut me out though. I remember weeks of waking up in literal pain, thinking it was a bad dream. All I can say is...walk away and better things will come your way. There can be no room in your heart whilst it's partly taken by a situation that can never blossom.

I do still find a bizarre sense of comfort in the passing smell of weed though. Very odd.

Such a similar feeling you're explaining honestly. He is actually quite hard work without the drugs, he has always been very forceful and turbulent. Its calmed him alot but obviously days where he hasnt/cant smoked, his nature is still his nature. Although mine will never admit there is a difference or any harm in the way he is. And to a degree, there isnt.

i know exactly what you mean, I do find myself almost tearing up when he's smoked a joint and he sits me on his lap and watches the sunset and he explains so passionately why is sets this way or that way. He is such a clever man, he teaches me alot about the world. He can see the beauty in everything and he loves things that other people cant see. He is very deep.

my logic will never let me think it could work, its just a constant wonder of is it worth it for now..

I get really upset because his potential is actually limitless. He could fix any car with his eyes closed. He has so much knowledge about earth, space, the world, politics, science. He recently went to mexico and smoked dmt with some new friends. He mentioned it to me and i got off the phone and cried my eyes out. Those people wont care if something happened to him and he was so proud about what he'd done. Ive cared for more than half my life and to see someone be so unproductive and different is really sad.

is the beauty worth the ever impending pain.. who knows..

Your comment about the smell of weed 😂😂😂😂

The pain isn't impending, though, is it. You're already crying about him. You're already suffering.

He doesnt inflict direct pain. He isnt rude to me or disrepectful. He is nothing but a sweetheart. What upsets me is him doing things he used to be against and losing his potential.

Nobody suggested he inflicts pain. I said you are in pain. Which you are, otherwise you wouldn't be posting.

The pain doesn't have to be his 'fault'. Your choice to have a relationship with him is causing you pain. You are choosing pain. And asking for advice on how long you should choose to be in pain for. Nobody can answer this, or advise. You are the only person who knows how quickly you can bear to rip the plaster off. You are the only person who knows you, your responses, your ability to heal, your profundity of emotion. It's like asking for advice on how much you should enjoy broccoli or nightclubs. There's no right answer. You need to do the thing that will cause you least pain in the long run. You are the only one who can know.

I completely agree. Its just the heart pulls me the other way.. thanks for your words and wise insight x

Oh OP it sounds like though he doesnt respect your boundaries or you ability to actually move on from him.

THis doesnt sound a healthy relationship at all

This isn't a complicated situation though OP, not really. I know it maybe feels like one but it's pretty cut and dry when it comes down to it.

It's a toxic relationship with no possibility of a happy and healthy shared future, with a man who "is into many drugs but believes they arent harmful as they are natural.. mushrooms, dmt, weed."

You need to stop romanticising this eejit and your 'connection' with him.

Just saw you have a child OP. For goodness sake. They deserve a happy, healthy mum and however much you claim he's a sweetheart who makes you happy, he's actually a druggie with whom a relationship makes you feel confused and anxious. You're wasting so much headspace on something that is never going to end well for you.

It's your heart that wrote the post, OP. Your head is the one stopping you leaving him.

Could he have ADHD and be self-medicating with drugs? 🤔

My first DH was a druggie (I was madly in love with him) and yes, it's a pain to life with.

I do agree with a pp, from the tone of your posts it seems like you're very much romanticising this relationship. We all love a bit of romance, but real life has to come first eventually. It's not all sunsets and deep thinking and what the heart wants.

I dont think he does it for any other reason than he can and he likes it. He's got a very addictive personality and can be really extreme when he's passionate about something. He's flown to japan to view a car before 😂 and flew back empty handed cos the ashtray squeaked when he opened it 😂😂 he just does what he wants tbh and nobody can change him, i gave that up when i was 22!

I for sure have got romantic glasses on. Feel like they're glued to my face atm 😂😭

OP you've got a kid.

This bloke is a druggie.

You're besotted with him and are keeping it secret from him that you desperately want more with him because you previously agreed you'd 'never be together again'.

You're a grown up. This is a run of the mill romanticised toxic and unhealthy teenage relationship. Except you're not teenagers.

You're trying to relive the exciting bits of your previous relationship with him and have a happy ending this time.

He's not on the same page.

I'm sure your child wouldn't want their mum to be using up so much headspace and effort on a druggie tbh.

Come on OP, time to lock the fantasy of him being your 'big love' back up in the memories box and move on with your real life without him in it.

I think the fact that you think this is unusual speaks volumes for how much the romantic glasses are on.

I meant unusual in the respect that I fell back in love with someone 13 years later.. thanks though.

I dont want to be in a relationship with him. Clearly you have trouble deciphering maybe 10 posts which say this lol? I havent said 'i wish we could, i really want too, he's perfect' my original post was asking whether i should pick short lived fun and love for now or not. Most people were helpful rather than bitchy and hostile but i guess thats your character flaw..

It's only going to get worse the longer you leave it . I have been in a position similar and it was hell at first but now I breathe a sigh of relief. I was happy /ecstatic with him and miserable when not. I escaped and went on to build a wonderful life. I wonder why I put up with him back then.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Almost a shame it doesnt come when its happening! Glad you managed to move on and are happy ❤️‍🩹