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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I crazy or is he bullshitting me

110 replies

Norwolf · 01/09/2022 18:57

I am currently away at my boyfriends house/country. All has been going well, we even went for some ring shopping as he said he wanted to get a feel of what it is i liked.

Anyway yesterday I asked him if i could see his phone, we had taken some pictures of some rings earlier and I wanted to revisit them. This turned into a complete disaster. He said no. And I asked him why I can’t have it. His first explanation was that he did not want to have to explain himself. Then he said he had stuff on there that would be misinterpreted and he doesn’t want me to see that.

Now this is a red flag to me because it’s letting me know that I cannot trust him, but he insists that it’s nothing and that he loves me and no one else matters. I am soo heartbroken because I really thought the world of him, but it’s looking like I will have to cut ties with this man. Am I over reacting? Going crazy to have doubt about him?

OP posts:

Mothership4two · 02/09/2022 04:21

Trust you instincts and get away OP. That is very odd behaviour from him. It sounds (to me) as though he had some dodgy photos on his phone that he was worried you might scroll along and see.

DH and I have full access to each other's phones and I regularly go on his as mine is old and rubbish. But then we are boring old farts!

Good luck!

CuriousMama · 02/09/2022 04:44

How long have you been together?

Aprilx · 02/09/2022 05:12

alwaysmovingforwards · 01/09/2022 19:02

Would you be happy to hand your phone over to him at a moments notice?

I would, yes. Although no reason why DH would ever ask, but it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

AhNowTed · 02/09/2022 05:27

alwaysmovingforwards · 01/09/2022 19:29

For some people their phone is a direct extension of their inner thoughts, like a diary that some still keep. Why should that be shared with anyone?

I might Google all sorts of weird shit I don't want others to know about and save random images that mean something to me at the time, but I don't want to have to explain to another or have the possibility they're misinterpreted.

If my partner said hand over your phone or it's over, I'd tell them to fucking do one. A relationship for me still has boundaries, I'm entitled to my privacy and I won't suffer at the hands of emotional blackmail ie show me or it's over. Well guess what, it's now over, grab your stuff and cheerio.

If you want the pics, just ask him to WhatsApp them over and I'm sure he will. It's pretty simple.

Or listen to the LTB crowd who will insist he has another woman, tell you they're sorry and post a flowers emoji. You can then be single on your own and use the time contemplate where healthy boundaries are for your next relationship.

I wouldn't want my husband rooting through my phone either. Not my various messaging apps, google searches etc.

But this was just a quick look at photos.

Of course I'd hand it over.

Good luck trawling through all my wordle and quordle screenshots and various stuff off Twitter I find amusing.

Pepsipoo · 02/09/2022 06:36

Who on earth sleeps with their phone in their pocket??
Who on earth involves mummy in their relationship??
Also how would his mummy know what he's getting upto on his phone, nah my alarm bells are definitely ringing.
What's his explanation for sleeping with his phone by the way, I would love to know 🙄

Droo · 02/09/2022 06:45

It might be he’s planning a big surprise, with grand gestures and a proposal and he doesn’t want you to see as it’ll spoil it.

Or, he’s on dating apps/shagging about/saving photos of women’s nudes/saving porn.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 06:45

I was just making the point that, as per the opening post, simply not wanting someone to have your phone does not mean they're up to no good.

It does if they go straight into the "nobody else matters, I only love you" spiel. That suggests there are other women.

catfunk · 02/09/2022 07:56

I wouldn't want someone going through my whole phone but wouldn't mind the last few photos.
The fact that he reacted so extremely would be a huge red flag for me.
*also he must be really dumb why didn't he just casually offer to WhatsApp them over to you so you can keep them 🙄

drinkfeck · 02/09/2022 08:10

I'm a super private person. I don't want people going through my phone even though I've not cheated/done anything I shouldn't.

But as pp have said his reaction was over the top. Despite my phone being my sanctuary I can still hand it over to my kids or parents to look at photos.

The mum thing is just weird. What does it even mean people from his past?

Hope you get home okay

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 08:11

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 06:45

I was just making the point that, as per the opening post, simply not wanting someone to have your phone does not mean they're up to no good.

It does if they go straight into the "nobody else matters, I only love you" spiel. That suggests there are other women.

This.

I understand that people can only advise from their own experience and perspective but some of the alternative explanations are ridiculous.

I wouldn't look through someone's phone but if they told me I couldn't look at photos we'd taken together that day because I might see other things that could be misinterpreted and they didn't want me to worry because no one else matters and they only love me type nonsense, I'd be off like a shot. I wouldn't even need to see.

That's not about privacy and photographing dodgy skin patches or screenshots of amusing posts on Twitter. That means there is something on there that, if you saw it, he thinks would cause you to want to end the relationship/make him look untrustworthy. And for me, that would be good enough reason to end the relationship.

Original poster

Norwolf · 02/09/2022 09:33

Someone did suggest that he would come back and offer me his phone (after deleting nearly everything he may deem incriminating) and this is exactly what happened when he got home from work. There was still some archived WhatsApp messages i saw which he had forgot to delete and yes involved several ladies…

Anyway I am over it now, flight has been changed to tomorrow instead of staying another two weeks. I just want it done and over with!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Norwolf · 02/09/2022 09:34

Thank you ladies for helping me stand my ground and seeing the truth for what it actually is.

OP posts:

Justanotherwinter · 02/09/2022 09:34

@alwaysmovingforwards im the same as you. My notes, pictures, searches etc are private
my phone is my safe space and I don’t want anyone inpvading it

Original poster

Norwolf · 02/09/2022 09:39

Actually I should say thank you ladies and gents. I was a mess yesterday but today I am just fed up and want out..

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 09:49

Norwolf · 02/09/2022 09:33

Anyway I am over it now, flight has been changed to tomorrow instead of staying another two weeks. I just want it done and over with!!

What a twat.

Good for you. Have you said anything to him?

Original poster

Norwolf · 02/09/2022 09:55

I haven’t told him yet but he saw i had my suitcase packed up and asked about it. I really don’t care what he thinks, i’ll message him on the way to the airport though I also think he will get notified by his ring doorbell video when i leave the house tomorrow.

OP posts:

Ommommomm · 02/09/2022 09:58

OP, how long have you been together?

You should definitely listen to your guy but make sure it really is your gut and not LTB reaction from a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Ommommomm · 02/09/2022 09:58

Gut. Not guy

Hoppinggreen · 02/09/2022 09:59

Norwolf · 01/09/2022 19:03

Yes we live in separate countries but in the process of me moving here to be with him permanently by December.

Don’t

Original poster

Norwolf · 02/09/2022 10:05

@Ommommomm its been 2 years we’ve been together, it’s definitely my gut feeling i am following, it’s the main reason I posted because he was gaslighting the hell out of me and i was starting to question and doubt myself, but was right all along…

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 02/09/2022 10:07

Am I crazy or is he bullshitting me

I think that if anybody makes you question your sanity, it's a good idea to stay away from them. Just for future reference. Be firm in your belief that you are not crazy.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP. It's good you've found him out and got away though.

Newusernameaug · 02/09/2022 10:09

Well done and good luck with leaving, just make sure you’re safe

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2022 10:09

I think you've done the right thing. I mean, it's almost laughable - even down to someone here predicting he'd come back today having deleted everything to show you there was nothing to hide. After admitting there was.

Not funny, of course, but laughable. You know what I mean.

At least you're not going to be one of those posting 5 years and 2 children down the line kicking yourself for forgiving him.

Well done for not accepting it.

Someadviceplease1 · 02/09/2022 10:09

@Norwolf

Are you Norweigan and your man based between there and the UK?

Original poster

Norwolf · 02/09/2022 10:11

Thanks guys…

@Someadviceplease1 i’m from the UK him American

OP posts:

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