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Original poster

Am I crazy or is he bullshitting me

110 replies

Norwolf · 01/09/2022 18:57

I am currently away at my boyfriends house/country. All has been going well, we even went for some ring shopping as he said he wanted to get a feel of what it is i liked.

Anyway yesterday I asked him if i could see his phone, we had taken some pictures of some rings earlier and I wanted to revisit them. This turned into a complete disaster. He said no. And I asked him why I can’t have it. His first explanation was that he did not want to have to explain himself. Then he said he had stuff on there that would be misinterpreted and he doesn’t want me to see that.

Now this is a red flag to me because it’s letting me know that I cannot trust him, but he insists that it’s nothing and that he loves me and no one else matters. I am soo heartbroken because I really thought the world of him, but it’s looking like I will have to cut ties with this man. Am I over reacting? Going crazy to have doubt about him?

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 01/09/2022 20:45

It is one thing to ask to see someones phone to go through everything but totally another asking to see the engagement ring photos! I'm not saying ltb but I definitely would put the brakes on moving countries until you have had a deep discussion about this.

And most definitely don't have a child with him for a long while. Something doesn't add up.

Palmfrond · 01/09/2022 20:47

The two reasons I wouldn’t want my wife looking at my phone are if;

  1. I had porn I’ve saved on it and don’t want her to see and/or

  2. if I’d been messaging another woman in a way that would question the trust in our relationship.

That said she has full access to my phone, but I can appreciate that not everyone has that type of relationship, or wants one. But to the OP, yeah, dodgy porn or he’s playing you in some way.

BellatrixBlackLives · 01/09/2022 20:48

Yup, trust your gut! Go back home and think things through. Don't move your entire life unless you're 100% sure. Sending you positive vibes. Be strong.

Palmfrond · 01/09/2022 20:50

Norwolf · 01/09/2022 20:44

@Cherrycokefiend my gut is telling me to run. I don’t know who this person is anymore. He sent his own mother to convince me that he is not up to anything and that people have been re-emerging from his past for reasons unknown to them.

I don’t trust him or his mother and I don’t even understand why he had to involve her in the first place.

Oh no. That sounds really bad.
I don’t want to out myself as some kind of xenophobic, but does he come from a country where sons are routinely considered little princes by their mothers?

wellhelloitsme · 01/09/2022 20:51

He sent his own mother to convince me that he is not up to anything and that people have been re-emerging from his past for reasons unknown to them.

This all sounds batshit OP (of them, not you I mean).

Is he (or his mum) saying the people re emerging from the past are related to the whole ring thing?

I would definitely be getting home asap because it's getting weird and you're there alone and vulnerable.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 01/09/2022 20:57

Say nothing. Pretend all is well . Get your flight home and leave. You've even said your gut instinct is to leave.
Sleeping with his phone in his pocket? Nah.
He's suspicious so he got his mum involved?! Huge red flags.

Go home.

MrsDanversRidesAgain · 01/09/2022 20:57

He sent his own mother to convince me that he is not up to anything and that people have been re-emerging from his past for reasons unknown to them

While I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, I've noticed that one thing liars have in common is that they over-elaborate their stories - sometimes massively so. I had a manager (married, one DD) who was having an affair with a similarly married manager and who was always 'off sick' when he was out of the office. She'd come back with these awful stories of dodgy prawn curries or a dreadful hangover and how all these things happened and how she was NEVER going back to that restaurant or drinking so much tequila, when all she was doing with all this fiction was fixing in our minds how often she was off and when. In the end it was very noticeable that these 'sick' days coincided with his 'offsite customer visits.'

TL:DR your bloke is doing the same. He's constructing a nice elaborate narrative and roping his mother in.

Original poster
Norwolf · 01/09/2022 21:10

@Palmfrond they are a small and tight family unit, just him, his brother and their mother. That being said, I find myself in an awkward position whenever she shows up when we have conflicts.

OP posts:
Alohaoi · 01/09/2022 21:11

Oh god. Run, run, run.

Then block him so he can't gaslight you into thinking you've over reacted. You have gut feelings for a reason so they shouldn't be ignored.

NippyWoowoo · 01/09/2022 21:13

MillyWithaY · 01/09/2022 20:28

She just wanted to see the ring photo's, that's all. She didn't want to trawl through his messages, search history etc. Really suspect behaviour by him.

Show quote history

She’d hardly tell him ‘hand over your phone, I want to have a dig’, will she? I’ve passed my phone to show a WhatsApp photo to a friend before and she started scrolling! Some people are nosy.

I’m a very private person, I don’t even like to have phone calls in front of people.

Notconfident · 01/09/2022 22:17

Norwolf · 01/09/2022 21:10

@Palmfrond they are a small and tight family unit, just him, his brother and their mother. That being said, I find myself in an awkward position whenever she shows up when we have conflicts.

Run. My ex got his mum involved in every single disagreement we had. If he's doing it now and you're not even living together, it will only get worse. Getting his mum involved in disagreements is a huge red flag.

MillyWithaY · 01/09/2022 22:39

NippyWoowoo · 01/09/2022 21:13

She’d hardly tell him ‘hand over your phone, I want to have a dig’, will she? I’ve passed my phone to show a WhatsApp photo to a friend before and she started scrolling! Some people are nosy.

I’m a very private person, I don’t even like to have phone calls in front of people.

Show quote history

So you think the OP is lying and intended to go through his messages and search history? You had one incident with a friend and because of that OP must be lying about her intentions? She wanted to see photos of the rings, that's all. She had no reason to doubt him until he started acting like he had something to hide.

NippyWoowoo · 01/09/2022 23:02

So you think the OP is lying and intended to go through his messages and search history?

I'm saying he doesn't know what her intentions are. Not long ago I was out with a group of women and one of them (first time meeting her) admitted that she asked for her boyfriend's password under the pretence of wanting to check something, and now she unlocks his phones and scrolls to 'see what he's up to' every time he has a shower. A lot of people are toxic.

Anyway, my initial reply and follow ups were based on the opening post. Based on the drip feeds it seems OP would be better off getting rid.

I was just making the point that, as per the opening post, simply not wanting someone to have your phone does not mean they're up to no good.

icelollycraving · 01/09/2022 23:05

Op, is there an imbalance of wealth? Is the mum trying to keep you sweet because you are better off?

icelollycraving · 01/09/2022 23:06

Did you look at spendy rings and he’s commissioned a knock off?!

Monty27 · 01/09/2022 23:15

icelollycraving · 01/09/2022 23:06

Did you look at spendy rings and he’s commissioned a knock off?!

There's always one! 😆😂
Anyway I think you might be jumping to conclusions. Perhaps he was trying to see what ring to buy you and his plan went wrong because he was doing a bank transfer to buy it.
We can only live in hope. 💐

Original poster
Norwolf · 01/09/2022 23:21

@icelollycraving he is definitely more well off than I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Norwolf · 01/09/2022 23:23

He was the one picking the rings out, I just went along with it and tbh I never even expected us to end up looking at them, we literally strolled into a jewellery shop as we were shopping around the mall…

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 01/09/2022 23:24

Well, I’ve come up with a few different possibilities. If you’re not feeling it, then go. I’d not want to be discussing issues with his mum.

dane8 · 01/09/2022 23:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Macbeth8 · 01/09/2022 23:40

Is he south Asian/Arab?

Original poster
Norwolf · 01/09/2022 23:42

@Macbeth8 he isn’t.

OP posts:
Surtsey · 01/09/2022 23:49

Chanage that flight. Go home. Once you are back you can start to decide what to do. You're too close to all of it while you are staying with him in his country. As for his mother - what's her agenda? Why is she so keen to marry him off to you?

JustKittenAround · 02/09/2022 03:30

I was going to ask about the culture thing as well.

How odd that you are expected to trust him…yet, he doesn’t trust you not to snoop as he sleeps.

it goes both ways. He is asking for something he won’t give you.

I personally like to keep my phone private because I keep private thoughts on it. I also complain freely to my twin sister about literally everything. Yes, including stupid stuff with my partner. I would prefer my partner not read it…

I also take pics of things I don’t want my partner to see. I have a weird patch of dry skin I’ve been taking pics of to monitor… ugh I’d hate for that to get out.

Anyway, I think he went overboard and that’s a baddy. Good luck OP and my best wishes for your future!!!

Boreded · 02/09/2022 03:55

Bin him, not worth the risk