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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I crazy or is he bullshitting me

110 replies

Norwolf · 01/09/2022 18:57

I am currently away at my boyfriends house/country. All has been going well, we even went for some ring shopping as he said he wanted to get a feel of what it is i liked.

Anyway yesterday I asked him if i could see his phone, we had taken some pictures of some rings earlier and I wanted to revisit them. This turned into a complete disaster. He said no. And I asked him why I can’t have it. His first explanation was that he did not want to have to explain himself. Then he said he had stuff on there that would be misinterpreted and he doesn’t want me to see that.

Now this is a red flag to me because it’s letting me know that I cannot trust him, but he insists that it’s nothing and that he loves me and no one else matters. I am soo heartbroken because I really thought the world of him, but it’s looking like I will have to cut ties with this man. Am I over reacting? Going crazy to have doubt about him?

OP posts:
Notmyyearthisyear · 01/09/2022 19:33

alwaysmovingforwards · 01/09/2022 19:29

For some people their phone is a direct extension of their inner thoughts, like a diary that some still keep. Why should that be shared with anyone?

I might Google all sorts of weird shit I don't want others to know about and save random images that mean something to me at the time, but I don't want to have to explain to another or have the possibility they're misinterpreted.

If my partner said hand over your phone or it's over, I'd tell them to fucking do one. A relationship for me still has boundaries, I'm entitled to my privacy and I won't suffer at the hands of emotional blackmail ie show me or it's over. Well guess what, it's now over, grab your stuff and cheerio.

If you want the pics, just ask him to WhatsApp them over and I'm sure he will. It's pretty simple.

Or listen to the LTB crowd who will insist he has another woman, tell you they're sorry and post a flowers emoji. You can then be single on your own and use the time contemplate where healthy boundaries are for your next relationship.

You’ve clearly never seen a bullshit master and can’t spot a red flag if it’s there sitting on the top of your nose. You’ve no idea what you are talking about hun.

girlmom21 · 01/09/2022 19:33

Please don't move OP!

YoSofi · 01/09/2022 19:43

Trust your gut!

I bet you everything I own that he’ll give you his phone tomorrow and tell you he has nothing to hide…..now it’s all deleted.

Who the fuck sleeps with their phone in their pocket?!

Duchess379 · 01/09/2022 19:46

LittleOwl153 · 01/09/2022 19:00

Yeah you were ring shopping for someone else... he wanted a woman's input! Sorry.

This! Exactly what I thought. Don't move! Don't throw your lot in with him 💞

Lozzerbmc · 01/09/2022 19:46

Its awful I know but I think it’s good that you have found out about him now before you made the move to a different country. Something being misinterpreted can only mean a bad thing …

Original poster
Norwolf · 01/09/2022 19:58

I just feel numb right now, i was single for a long time before committing to this relationship and now this??!! Just so many emotions right now.

He should be home shortly as he is finishing work soon, and I really don’t know what to do when he gets here. This is soo not me not knowing what to do.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/09/2022 20:01

Can you change your flight home and go tonight? That's what I'd do. Tell him you don't trust him and you're over.

GlitterB0mb · 01/09/2022 20:06

Run. Find a boyfriend in your own country. LDRs require a lot of trust and are risky.

CostaLotta22 · 01/09/2022 20:10

Well if he slept with his phone in his pocket he was determined that there was no way you were going to see it. I think that’s a bit over the top.

Did you ask what the stuff was that could be misinterpreted? Eg was it messages, social media, websites?

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 01/09/2022 20:12

Oh God, please don't move to be with him. You realise that if you have a child with him then you won't be able to come back with a child if the relationship goes tits up?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2022 20:12

It doesn't matter at all what he was hiding. There's zero value speculating.
What matters is he was hiding something.
I wouldn't want to be getting married or moving countries for someone who was hiding stuff from me.

Unfortunately for the poster above who said keeping her phone secret is a boundary fir her, that's fine, but 99% of people will have the boundary the other way. No secrets.

Original poster
Norwolf · 01/09/2022 20:12

Yeah just emailed the travel agents to see if I can change my return flight. Waiting on someone to get back to me.

OP posts:
SuperNoodle87 · 01/09/2022 20:17

There's an argument to be had about not handing your phone over for privacy reasons etc.. but sleeping with it in your pocket? Nope. That's a step too far and would be enough for me to be done.

sammylady37 · 01/09/2022 20:18

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2022 20:12

It doesn't matter at all what he was hiding. There's zero value speculating.
What matters is he was hiding something.
I wouldn't want to be getting married or moving countries for someone who was hiding stuff from me.

Unfortunately for the poster above who said keeping her phone secret is a boundary fir her, that's fine, but 99% of people will have the boundary the other way. No secrets.

99% of people? Really? 🙄

dreamingbohemian · 01/09/2022 20:20

There is no way you should uproot your entire life to be with someone who is not honest with you. How long have you been together?

Yes everyone is entitled to boundaries and privacy, but it's not like you were asking to go through his phone. You just wanted to view a few photos. Which means he didn't want you to go into his photos and can't be honest about why. Not good.

NippyWoowoo · 01/09/2022 20:22

alwaysmovingforwards · 01/09/2022 19:29

For some people their phone is a direct extension of their inner thoughts, like a diary that some still keep. Why should that be shared with anyone?

I might Google all sorts of weird shit I don't want others to know about and save random images that mean something to me at the time, but I don't want to have to explain to another or have the possibility they're misinterpreted.

If my partner said hand over your phone or it's over, I'd tell them to fucking do one. A relationship for me still has boundaries, I'm entitled to my privacy and I won't suffer at the hands of emotional blackmail ie show me or it's over. Well guess what, it's now over, grab your stuff and cheerio.

If you want the pics, just ask him to WhatsApp them over and I'm sure he will. It's pretty simple.

Or listen to the LTB crowd who will insist he has another woman, tell you they're sorry and post a flowers emoji. You can then be single on your own and use the time contemplate where healthy boundaries are for your next relationship.

✅✅✅✅✅

Seriously why didn't you just ask him to send you the photos?

I am single and don't want anyone browsing my phone. I will vent about people that I care about to friends and wouldn't want them to see that.

Privacy is an important boundary for me.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2022 20:22

Well, admittedly I've made up 99%, but surely most people in a relationship would not be happy if their partner said their phone is private. All but one (or two if you're included) have said it's not acceptable on this thread.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 01/09/2022 20:23

Dodgy as fuck. Sorry OP.

NippyWoowoo · 01/09/2022 20:24

You’ve clearly never seen a bullshit master and can’t spot a red flag if it’s there sitting on the top of your nose. You’ve no idea what you are talking about hun.

Ummmm based on most of the posts I see on this board, the majority of Mumsnetters can't, and they're usually in 3 kids deep before the realise it.

This ain't it.

gamerchick · 01/09/2022 20:26

Well at least you've found out now before you uproot your life OP.

MillyWithaY · 01/09/2022 20:28

NippyWoowoo · 01/09/2022 20:22

✅✅✅✅✅

Seriously why didn't you just ask him to send you the photos?

I am single and don't want anyone browsing my phone. I will vent about people that I care about to friends and wouldn't want them to see that.

Privacy is an important boundary for me.

Show quote history

She just wanted to see the ring photo's, that's all. She didn't want to trawl through his messages, search history etc. Really suspect behaviour by him.

Hoolihan · 01/09/2022 20:30

Have to say I would not happily hand my phone over - not because there's anything particularly secret/controversial on it but it's mine and it's private. My husband does not have access to my phone and I don't have access to his.

Having said that sleeping with it in his pocket suggests that he does have something incriminating on there that he is trying to hide so I think you are right to be concerned.

Cherrycokefiend · 01/09/2022 20:34

What does your gut tell you, OP? It must be screaming for you to have made this thread.

ignore the unhelpful posters defending the phone privacy bollocks. He more-or-less told you he’s been shady.

momtoboys · 01/09/2022 20:40

Oh, dear.

Original poster
Norwolf · 01/09/2022 20:44

@Cherrycokefiend my gut is telling me to run. I don’t know who this person is anymore. He sent his own mother to convince me that he is not up to anything and that people have been re-emerging from his past for reasons unknown to them.

I don’t trust him or his mother and I don’t even understand why he had to involve her in the first place.

OP posts: