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Original poster

Partner telling his mum about our IVF jorney when I asked him not to . :/

78 replies

ShareLove · 29/08/2022 15:57

Me and my partner are having infertility issues and we both agreed not to tell our family’s about it to avoid stress and questions and people not to feel sorry for us . I found out that he did tell his mum about we starting ivf jorney and now I’m so upset that he said he wouldn’t say and he still did ! Obviously his mum hasn’t said a word to me about it so they probably keep it a secret between them two , but I feel uneasy about starting ivf and knowing that his mum is probably going to ask him secretly how things are going ect . I wanted this to be secret until we are successful … what do you all think , is he right to say it or am I being unreasonable ? I only found about because we were having a just a random conversation about life with my partners brother and his wife when they came to visit us and they mentioned it to us by accident without knowing that I don’t know about the fact that they know and said that his mum told them about it . I was a big shocked and didn’t know what to reply . So I changed the conversation straight away .

OP posts:
BogOffTraceyBeaker · 29/08/2022 16:04

Have you spoken to anyone else? Maybe he needed to talk things over with someone else

rocketfromthecrypt · 29/08/2022 16:06

It's his mum. If he tried to tell you you weren't allowed to speak to your mum when you wanted to, I don't think you'd be too impressed - I wouldn't be! He obviously felt the need to share, don't be too hard on him.

AnnaMagnani · 29/08/2022 16:06

I'd bring it up with your partner:

Asking him not to tell his mum was a big ask - he may have wanted support to.
However his mum has turned out to be a blabbermouth who is telling your private information to anyone and everyone in the family.

Did he ask his mum not to share and she just ignored it? Or did he talk to her and give the impression she is sharing family news?

If he did tell her it was secret then honestly he needs to know she can't be his confidant and supporter over this, or anything else in your relationship.

bellac11 · 29/08/2022 16:06

Its almost impossible to square because its not just your information to keep secret.

Its a journey he is also on, experiences he is also having. Emotions he is feeling

So where does he go with all of that if he wants to talk to someone?

WTHamIreading · 29/08/2022 16:09

Maybe he needed his mums support?
I remember a very close friend told a random work colleague about my IVF, I felt exactly like you about people at work not knowing my business but I do think family is a little different. IVF can be a difficult journey, made harder if you can’t discuss the ups and downs with anyone except your partner, that’s a lot of pressure on both of you.
If he had said that he didn’t want to keep it secret would you have been okay with him telling his mum then? He shouldn’t had agreed to keep it secret but maybe he didn’t want to upset you by feeling the need to talk about it outside your home?
Wishing you well on your fertility journey Flowers

Original poster
ShareLove · 29/08/2022 16:13

I think I would of been okay if he told his mum and I didn’t know about it but it’s the fact that his brother and wife know too which took me by suprise , is why I’m upset . .

OP posts:
Original poster
ShareLove · 29/08/2022 16:17

@WTHamIreading hey , thank for your message . Just to confirm that he did say he wants to keep it as a secret to avoid stress from people asking about it. That’s why I was suprised when I found out that they know , me thinking nobody knows , so obviously he did decide to tell her after all without telling me and obviously his mum had told few other most likely …

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 29/08/2022 16:19

For everyone saying 'But it's his mum' did you miss the bit where she then passed the secret on further.

Does she get to say 'But it's your brother' and the brother 'but's it's my wife' and the wife... and so on and so on until the checkout assistant knows as everyone needs support?

muddlingthrou · 29/08/2022 16:20

Honestly, I felt much better when I was more open about ivf. You might feel differently, but I encourage you to confide in people. Maybe you're not that close to your in-laws though!

bellac11 · 29/08/2022 16:23

AnnaMagnani · 29/08/2022 16:19

For everyone saying 'But it's his mum' did you miss the bit where she then passed the secret on further.

Does she get to say 'But it's your brother' and the brother 'but's it's my wife' and the wife... and so on and so on until the checkout assistant knows as everyone needs support?

Why are you conflating the two things

He has a right to tell his mum, if he wants to. Thats what people are saying

Whether the mum should have blabbed is a different thing

stayinghometoday · 29/08/2022 16:23

muddlingthrou · 29/08/2022 16:20

Honestly, I felt much better when I was more open about ivf. You might feel differently, but I encourage you to confide in people. Maybe you're not that close to your in-laws though!

And I felt massively worse! I hated the questions and questioning and ooooh should you have wind for dinner? You never know! Or "I'm sure that this will be your year", "have you tried praying/ eating low fat/high fat/low cal/ exercise more/exercise less/ eating pineapple/ just adopt?

stayinghometoday · 29/08/2022 16:24

Wind is wine... obviously

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2022 16:24

You know now to never share sensitive information with your fat mouthed MIL.

This isn't just about your husband needing emotional support. Infertility treatment is a burden mostly carried by the woman, especially in regards to invasive medical procedures. Personally, I do not share medical issues with anyone aside from my husband and I would be very upset about this breech of trust and invasion of my privacy.

You had an agreement to not share this journey with anyone and he broke it. He should have, at the very minimum, told you about speaking to his mother before he did so.

stayinghometoday · 29/08/2022 16:25

Since Mil blabbed I think she should be the last to know if you do get pregnant. You need to talk to your partner about the blabbing. I'd be furious.

Original poster
ShareLove · 29/08/2022 16:32

@Aquamarine1029 hey thanks for your message ! Just to confirm that I didn’t say anything to my partners mum , it’s my partner who told him mum , and I am 100% sure he told her not to mention it to me as she hasn’t said a word about it to me when I have been visiting . But obviously she has told my partners brother and his wife too and god knows who else and obviously she didn’t tell them not to mention it in front of me because they did mention it to me . I shut down the conversation as I was a bit shocked . I didn’t know what to say .

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 29/08/2022 16:40

so obviously he did decide to tell her after all without telling me and obviously his mum had told few other most likely …

I’d talk to your partner, it’s entirely possible that it’s come out inadvertently in conversation - I know I’ve found myself sharing something I had no intention to but in the midst of discussion there’s been no way to avoid it and I’ve then regretted saying anything. It may not have been premeditated on his part and he’s now in a damage limitation situation.

antelopevalley · 29/08/2022 16:47

I do not think it is fair to ask a partner to keep something stressful secret from absolutely everyone else. You can say you do not want people generally knowing or saying anything to you about it. But presumably he needed a bit of support that you could not provide so talked to his mum.

YouAreNotBatman · 29/08/2022 16:58

I’m a dickhead for asking this, yes, but why does the husband need support, and to what?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2022 16:59

Just to confirm that I didn’t say anything to my partners mum , it’s my partner who told him mum

I know that, op. Sorry if my comment made than unclear. I was just thinking about the future. Your MIL can't be trusted, and sadly your partner can't either.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2022 17:01

antelopevalley · 29/08/2022 16:47

I do not think it is fair to ask a partner to keep something stressful secret from absolutely everyone else. You can say you do not want people generally knowing or saying anything to you about it. But presumably he needed a bit of support that you could not provide so talked to his mum.

Her partner didn't have to agree, but he did, and he betrayed that trust.

Annieisalright · 29/08/2022 17:01

YouAreNotBatman · 29/08/2022 16:58

I’m a dickhead for asking this, yes, but why does the husband need support, and to what?

You definitely are a dickhead

I'm assuming you've never been through IVF

Phrenologistsfinger · 29/08/2022 17:08

We are just doing round 4 of IVF and I made sure my bf told his family - he needs the support and so do I, for that matter. It is a gruelling and upsetting journey (for many, not all) and I felt people needed to know. They can adjust their behaviour accordingly. Not least helps them understand why I cannot bear to meet DP’s new nephew. Luckily my inlaws are lovely and sent us a good luck talisman to help us, which was sweet.

Also, IVF has quite a low success rate so if you are doing it and I do hope it works for you but if it doesn’t work, Imho you are going to need to say something at some point to family as it will affect you more than you know at this point.

bellac11 · 29/08/2022 17:10

YouAreNotBatman · 29/08/2022 16:58

I’m a dickhead for asking this, yes, but why does the husband need support, and to what?

Why would you think he doesnt need support?

Veenah · 29/08/2022 17:17

I understand how you feel, I've been though IVF and am facing into more. While both of you are going through infertility, physically IVF is far tougher and more involved for the woman and I struggle with my DH talking to certain people about what I see as quite a private medical procedure that's happening to me. His family were told about a previous miscarriage and made some quite hurtful misguided comments so we don't tell them anything fertility related. We spoke about who we would tell, I was conscious that he needs to talk to people but there are some people that I just would not be comfortable with them knowing. It would definitely upset me if the few people we told were spreading it to others.

I already regret telling some people, there are times I just don't feel like talking about it but people feel like they should ask how it's going, which is lovely of them but can be the last thing I want. Now that people know, you can't untell them but I think you need to talk to your DH about both of your expectations about how much information is going to be shared with them. For example, if an egg collection goes badly the last thing I want is to have to tell multiple people who have been told it's happening. So even the people who know we're doing IVF don't generally know specifics.

Best of luck with it all.

Original poster
ShareLove · 29/08/2022 17:25

@Phrenologistsfinger hey thanks for your message . I know ivf is so stressful and hard to deal with but I have already had 2 failed cycles and yes it was hard but I never needed my family’s support to get through it , also Iv had 6 pregnancy losses before ivf and not a person knows about it , I like to deal with the emotions and losses myself without having to tell anyone . And yes I understand a lot of people need emotional support but luckily I don’t and I’m glad because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because i would feel more like a burden if they knew :) I don’t know maybe I’m weird for not telling people but I just feel ashamed to even admit it to others that I can’t have successful pregnancy and like to keep it a massive secret to myself and partner only xx

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