Partner telling his mum about our IVF jorney when I asked him not to . :/

[ShareLove]

Me and my partner are having infertility issues and we both agreed not to tell our family’s about it to avoid stress and questions and people not to feel sorry for us . I found out that he did tell his mum about we starting ivf jorney and now I’m so upset that he said he wouldn’t say and he still did ! Obviously his mum hasn’t said a word to me about it so they probably keep it a secret between them two , but I feel uneasy about starting ivf and knowing that his mum is probably going to ask him secretly how things are going ect . I wanted this to be secret until we are successful … what do you all think , is he right to say it or am I being unreasonable ? I only found about because we were having a just a random conversation about life with my partners brother and his wife when they came to visit us and they mentioned it to us by accident without knowing that I don’t know about the fact that they know and said that his mum told them about it . I was a big shocked and didn’t know what to reply . So I changed the conversation straight away .

OP

This is a case of both of you being right. You can ask him to not tell his mother, and to a degree you can have that expectation. IVF is a personal thing and you have a right to your privacy. OTOH he might have needed support from his mother and it's his journey too.

Your MIL should have kept the information to herself, but I know from my own life experiences that some families are more enmeshed and some mothers/MILs tend to overshare but not from a place of malice.

In any case, I hope you have an easy and successful journey.

@YouAreNotBatman the uncertainty over whether or not he'll be having a child, moral dilemmas with things like deciding if extra embryos should be donated to science or given up for adoption, stress about the cost, sorrow over watching his wife stress daily about the injections as well as his own possible discomfort with stabbing her multiple times per day, as well as others

@SlickShady That is a ridiculous comparison.

@sandysmummy Sounds like all of those things are what the woman would also worry about, while actually being the one going through with it all.
And a lot of men usually aren’t anywhere near as empathetic as women build them in their own heads…
(And the husband can always leave and find another woman to carry his kids)

So since you've refused to answer I can take it you've never had IVF or experienced it at all

Why then do you think you have any right to judge men who have experienced the process and whether they need support

My DH actually was more medically involved in our IVF journey. Many need support because they support their partners too

And the husband can always leave and find another woman to carry his kids)
Err no. Nice assumption that the fertility issues are always female.

Again, you have 0 experience of IVF

But feel you can judge people who do and their emotional needs during a very testing and trying process

Many others have explained why both men and women need support

I did ivf with my ex wife. A few cycles. It’s tough on both parties. Different reasons yes, but of course the man needs support too!

Wtf

yep. Dickhead

@YouAreNotBatman
im a man. I did ivf. According to you I’m not worthy of any support presumably because either I don’t have feelings or I should just man up and shut up about them

my experience of 4 failed cycles, 4 2 week waits, occasions of being told that the eggs literally fell apart when ICSI was tried,. Physically it’s much harder for the woman. Emotionally it was the hardest thing we BOTH went through and to dismiss my feelings as unworthy of support is shitty

@ShareLove not implying that he doesn't talk to you, but personally, for me, it was a big deal and having to hold that a secret from my family is difficult and if I'm honest feels disrespectful to my siblings-as we are close. And I'd feel hurt if my sibling was going through something so significant in life and felt they couldn't share it.

My point being that its a different journey for everyone and he- for what ever reason-is talking to other people about it.

But yes I get why being blindsided and not knowing he had discussed it is hard! I was asked if a separate unrelated condition was a side effect of ivf drugs by my SIL - a year before we'd started ivf!!

Hopefully you can both find what you need to process the challenges.
Best of luck with the rest of your IVF.

@YouAreNotBatman
Because what is he actually going through?

You understand that IVF isn't just about creating an embryo to create a baby. It's about creating a family.

IVF failures isn't only about the loss of an embryo and the failure of a embryo to progress to a baby.
It is also about the loss of a bit of hope.
It's about not having Christmas mornings with excited children. It's about not having the future birthdays, mothers days, fathers days, first steps, first words, first days in school, graduations, universities, family holidays, and all the other occasions that are child and family centred. It's about a million and one little things and are not part of your future.
It's about re-imagining and redeveloping an entirely new type of future for you and your partner.

@YouAreNotBatman

Why come onto a thread about IVF just to be a massive prick to those who have gone through the process?

It's just utterly bizarre and nasty

As someone who has gone through IVF I’ve got to disagree with this. How exactly can people support you?
I found they were either embarrassed (it’s a sex thing/, just said oh I’m sure it will happen (how do they know?), or were very smug about how easily and quickly they had children.
I can honestly say I didn’t get any help from anyone.

Hi @ShareLove

I’ve read all your posts but not other posters replies.

I too have a pushy mil with a blabber mouth. IVF while a journey you undertake as a couple, is one where the one whose eggs are being collected and then transferred to, is the patient. Not the partner. ( I know this as I had to get permission for my partner to call to find out results etc on my behalf).

I understand your partner’s wish to share with his mother, but this is your private medical information which he needs your permission to share.

his mother has shat the bed and shown she can’t be trusted. She needs to be told because of this, she and anyone else won’t be receiving updates, and your partner needs to be on board with this, your mil has broken your trust and private medical info.

I would be FUMING in your position. Thankfully my partner is private too. His mum was allowed to know, but was told if she blabbed to anyone it was game over. So she’s kept her mouth shut. ( she was a fucking pain in the arse, demanding updates making god awful comments so I wished she didn’t know at all almost immediately , but my partner ran all interference. You now have extra people who know, with more people to pester and comment on your journey. Thankfully my partner is so sick of her now that once the baby is here she is unlikely to be having much to do with her. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes).

DM me if you need to chat. I also recommend the book Toxic In-laws. Wish I’d bought it when I first met DP.

To add, I also got my partner to tell some of his closest friends who are discreet to support him, they were far better than his mum who was worse than useless and actively caused stress.

@ShareLove I totally understand you and I would be mad too. She should have been kept out of it as you had previously agreed!

@Fairyliz as I said, everyone deals differently and needs different types of support.

@Fairyliz

Thankfully most people don't surround themselves with assholes

Most peoples family and friends support them through things like this.

I agree with you OP, in fact we did the same. We agreed not to tell anyone at all. No one knew we were even trying prior to having the IVF. No one needs to know.

Our daughter is now 6, and the in-laws still have no idea she was the result of IVF. A few members of my family know, but it’s up to my DH if he wants to tell them.

Good luck with your treatment. We found it quite straightforward so hopefully it will be the same for you. I tried not to get my hopes up and remained pragmatic about it and was already planning the next steps in case it didn’t work. I didn’t dare hope it would.

We did the same. It really isn't anyone's business. I don't get everyone saying he needs his mum's support. What support ? What can she add to this? She's probably never been through it herself so what value is she adding? And now op knows that she's such a gossip as well. I would be extremely upset at this.

OP try and move beyond this.

I agree he should not have told her, having agreed not to.

She should not have told his brother/sister whatever and they should not have told you

A bit of a mess.if your DH needs support he should find a person who won't blab to anyone.

However, focus on the big picture.

Just so you know, i have had several rounds of IVF and I have a child by IUI and a child by adoption.Good luck.

@Italiangreyhound why should op move beyond it, her private medical information has been gossiped about without her permission?

Her DP needs to deal with his mother and make sure those that she told, know they weren’t supposed to know, and to keep the information to themselves from now on.

Thank you everyone for your kind messages ❤️ I really appreaciate it all 😘