Partner telling his mum about our IVF jorney when I asked him not to . :/

[ShareLove]

Me and my partner are having infertility issues and we both agreed not to tell our family’s about it to avoid stress and questions and people not to feel sorry for us . I found out that he did tell his mum about we starting ivf jorney and now I’m so upset that he said he wouldn’t say and he still did ! Obviously his mum hasn’t said a word to me about it so they probably keep it a secret between them two , but I feel uneasy about starting ivf and knowing that his mum is probably going to ask him secretly how things are going ect . I wanted this to be secret until we are successful … what do you all think , is he right to say it or am I being unreasonable ? I only found about because we were having a just a random conversation about life with my partners brother and his wife when they came to visit us and they mentioned it to us by accident without knowing that I don’t know about the fact that they know and said that his mum told them about it . I was a big shocked and didn’t know what to reply . So I changed the conversation straight away .

The fact you don't tell people due to shame shows you might need some help with this OP

Do you take advantage of the counseling options with your clinic?

Having gone through IVF, and my partner feeling like you - not wanting people to know I'm going to say AIBU. Because you need support - both of you. You need to able to have people - other than your partner to talk to.
I get not wanting people to question and worry on your behalf but I ended up telling some friends and one family member - who was under instructions not to tell any other family members. DP didn't talk to anyone about it as far as I know.

Everybody needs to deal with things in their own way.

I just feel ashamed to even admit it to others that I can’t have successful pregnancy and like to keep it a massive secret to myself and partner only

You've been through a lot and sound like you are not the type of person to talk about it a lot. Do you talk to each other about it much? Or are you more of a "move on" type person?

@Annieisalright hey , no I don’t take councelling from the clinic but I have been offered it but I said that I didn’t need it as it won’t change anything or any outcomes of the ivf success , and I have already had 6 losses before ivf so I know I will be okay and I know I can handle the losses and my emotions myself and be okay about it . Which I am . I’m sometimes suprised my self how I still function normally after all the heart break 😊and still keeping positive outlook for future . Even without anyone else’s emtional support :)

The counseling isn't to help the outcomes

It's to help you

The fact you think you're coping with this fine whilst also admitting you don't talk to anyone due to shame is very telling - and clearly indicates you are not in fact fine

It's not a sign of weakness to let people in and get support

Your DH needs this hence he reached out to his mother

You asked him to agree to something unreasonable, he agreed at the time and clearly something has changed

His mother is not on for telling other though and he needs to address this with her asap

What @Aquamarine1029 said.

This isn’t something you’re doing equally. He gets to orgasm in a cup, you get a series of painful intimate procedures and drugs. Husband can sod off with his wanting to blab to his mum about it, I’d be livid.

Ofcourse we talk to each other about it and we support each other massively , and because we have had so much bad luck and losses we move on pretty fast and keep positive mind going forward hoping for better luck each time . It can only get better now 😃

and because we have had so much bad luck and losses we move on pretty fast and keep positive mind going forward hoping for better luck each time .
Does he though? Or does he need to talk to someone else who isn't you about it?

Because what is he actually going through?

Personally I think all you can do it talk to him about it and about why he needed to talk to him mum about it. He obviously doesn't feel the same level of shame about it and doesn't see a reason for this to be a secret.

I think you have to respect that these losses are happening to him too and he does feel comfortable talking to others about it.

@YouAreNotBatman

Jesus wept

Again, have you ever gone through IVF?

If not why not save your misguided, ignorant and offensive comments for something you haven't experience of

This isn’t something you’re doing equally. He gets to orgasm in a cup, you get a series of painful intimate procedures and drugs. Husband can sod off with his wanting to blab to his mum about it, I’d be livid.

Personally I feel like you are focussing on the IVF itself and not on the longer term outcomes, which might be for him moving towards accepting that he will not be a father and they will not have a family together.

For me, the medical side and procedures weren't difficult -it's the long term outcome. And honestly being with a partner who doesn't want to discuss it and functions normally as if nothing happened is hard if that is not your way of dealing with things.

Ivf is definitely harder on the women because it is their body but it is emotionally stressful on the couple.
OP can absolutely set her support as she feels fit.
But it isn't okay to try and insist her DP makes the same choices as her.

@sillysmiles yes you’re right ! I think I would be totally fine if he told his mum but kept it between both of them and didn’t tell me that she knows . If I didn’t know then I would not be bothered at all :) obviously he made a promise to keep a secret but he didn’t do , but the next best thing would be to tell his mum but to make sure nobody else finds out and to keep it confidential between 2 of them , but she didn’t . ofcourse he didn’t have to agree to keep it a secret but he did . That’s what bothered me ) but it’s okay now , he already did it so it is what it is :)

This isn't always true though

Our IVF journey was far harder on DH than it was for me.

I took to the medication, injections and egg collection with ease. No pain, side effects or low mood - in fact I was the best version of myself (DH was prepared for a demon wife!)

DH had surgical sperm retrieval and was in pain for months, he then spent every day of my stimulation cycle feeling awful as he was the one 'making' me need to inject myself and all the guilt that came with that (even though I felt fine and was happy doing it)

I'd do IVF again in a heartbeat but understand it's due to how well our cycle went (19 eggs collected, 16 fertilised and 9 ready on day 5, had three successful transfers and no failed transfers either)

But it's simply silly to claim that IVF in general is harder on women or for other posters to ask why men need support at all during what is for many a very emotional process, for both parties

@sillysmiles hey , I do discuss it with my partner all the time and we support each other , massively , and you’re right about me moving on quickly like nothing happened but so does he , he moves on from it as fast as I do , unless he doesn’t show his true feeling towards it I don’t know , but If he wants to talk to me about anything he always does and I do too . So this is not an issue at all :)

I would suggest you think about the counselling that is on offer, you come across as quite dismissive about a number of things and that might be because its such a huge thing and huge history which is very painful but it sounds like it needs unpicking

It wasnt for your partner to 'make sure' that his mum didnt tell anyone, that is not in his control and your dissatisfaction should be with her. I think you probably encouraged him to sign up and agree to something which ultimately was quite unreasonable, theres no way he could stick to that and Im not surprised he didnt

He's probably just as disappointed that his mum blabbed

But he obviously doesn't talk to you about everything

Hence him speaking to his mother

You could both do with the counseling offered by your clinic, most advise to do separate sessions anyway for this very reason

YABU to insist he doesn't tell his mum.

YANBU to be annoyed that she has now started telling who-knows-who.

If your partner needed to offload to his mum, that's perfectly reasonable. Btu she should have treated that information in confidence.

@ShareLove ok, as long as you have what you need - we are very different then as I found it really helped to talk about my 10 losses and IVF, but I am a classic extrovert feeler so that makes sense! Best of luck, we have similar journeys it sounds like.

Oh and to add I’m not ashamed about my inability to carry to term, indignant, frustrated and sad more like. Maybe a bit bitter, increasingly.

Please don’t internalise it and turn it in on yourself - you have done nothing to deserve this. Truly. It is a medical issue like any other, noone should feel ashamed of those.

Side note - I was watching House of the Dragon last night and it reminded me how women have taken so much cr4p over the centuries for infertility & loss (when half the time it’s the sperm anyway!), this is one key place that the shame comes from I think.

He’d agreed not to talk about it to anyone else —- he didn’t keep his word.
His mother shouldn’t have told anyone else at all, that’s just gossiping.
I hope DP ( or his mum) doesn’t have a job where confidentiality is essential!

Good luck with the IVF, I hope it is successful.

Oh and I also want other women to know as it is vastly under-publicised and this needs to change I think. Young women need to know that loss and infertility is possible and normal 😊

Wow, I feel for all those on this thread who can't imagine having a partner who would emotionally struggle with infertility. Although I'm glad for you that you've seemingly not been in the position to realise it is far more than a physical process.

Let's pick an extreme example, do you think a man/woman whose partner was going through cancer & chemo might needs support? Even though the actual illness/treatment was happening to the partner?