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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I had a past, I cant help this. Anyone else feel like this?

95 replies

partypoop · 22/01/2008 09:16

After been together now for over 7 years my partner has brought up my past again. It caused lots of stress in the beginning but has been great now for a long while. I have a ds from my previous relationship and obviously live in a home that I had brought with my ex but only lived in it together for 6mths. My dp now has lived with me here for these past 6 years and we have settled, however last night he re brought up the past after talking to my ex apparently and hearing him say things like when we looked on the market ect ect. Dh has not liked this about our home and has come back to me and brought it up last night. It was a horrific ordeal for me years ago as I was stuck in this situation where the house is secured for me by a family member and back then I couldnt lose it as our relationship was not good and new. I know it is not nice for him but by now I thought we had a perfect life and all insecurities were gone and I have done absolutely everything to make it perfect. All my possesions had to be changed, my rooms redecorated ect. Cause I had them with him. We have a dd together now aswell who is nearly 6yrs and I am to say the least heart broken to find I am still haunted by my horrible past. I had to hear him go on and on last night and I cant seem to say anything right and now we are not speaking and I feel so so down. I was told well its your f* fault and your f* past. It has to come up about that I have slept with him here ect ect. I have done everything in life to make the perfect life and cannot do anymore, got rid of baby books,videos,photos. That I have huge huge guilt about. I feel hurt and sick that again after everything he seems to not face the facts and wants my sympathy but what I give is not enough apparently and it makes me shake to discuss the topic, i am that stressed. He was extemely possesive in the past aswell as myself and was not a good relationship and I fear it again. I am now not possesive and positive and happy. I thought it was perfect. He left this morning without speaking and I am now home alone and very sad

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers · 22/01/2008 09:29

Well, it's not really that healthy to think relationships are 'perfect' or that your partner is above human frailties - it will always end in disappointment I think.

But he needs to get a grip of his jealousy also cause he will end up killing the love you have for him, which is probably his worry. You both need to re-adjust your expectations I think and accept and love one another for the people you are.

Maybe go for family counselling to get those feelings out and deal with them?

Monkeytrousers · 22/01/2008 09:31

Sorry, forgot to add - But you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about your past - it is his problem he cant get ovet it, not yours and so he needs to do soemthing about it!

WigWamBam · 22/01/2008 09:34

He has a past too though, doesn't he? And he can't change his, any more than you can change yours.

Your life now is what he should be concentrating on, and if he's not prepared to do that then maybe he's just not the right person for you right now.

Original poster

partypoop · 22/01/2008 09:38

thank you monkeytrousers, it was far from perfect in the beginning. I am just so confused right now. I suppose it had all gone away for me and have had other issues to deal with, with my dd ect. Now it has all come back up to haunt me and I am just mortified. I want to live here and now not in the past. I want to get away from all that. He tells me no one would want to live in a home that they had with someone else ect. I dont know what to think. do they? Now I feel so insecure myself.Do other people manage this or am I expecting to much, I dont know,I cant throw away my home. I am very fortunate that some one helped me and secured my home and after many years in an unhappy relationship at the time it gave me security. I was very confused back then and had been in a relationship to young from just 17

OP posts:

bethoo · 22/01/2008 09:46

it appears you have spent more time in that house with your current dp than you did with your ex. soudns like your ex is also trying to wind your dp up.
this annoys me about men! personally i would suggest he go out there and get another house for you to love in if he can afford it! i am sorry but after a while if he continues like this you will start to resent him and eventually you will say enough is enough of his insecurities. stand your ground and tell him how you feel. if i was in your shoes and i have been in similar situation i would tell him ot get over himself or get out!
sorry if i sound harsh but he is laying on guilt, he chose to move in with you afterall. correct me if yuo think i am wrong. i just hate seeing men using emotional blackmail etc.

bethoo · 22/01/2008 09:47

sorry about bad spelling!

Original poster

partypoop · 22/01/2008 09:56

Thank you. I suppose I dont want to lose my home incase things go wrong. So I want to stay here, as I cant rely on people to help me out again. The ex well, god knows what he is doing. Maybe just that unthinking way they have. I have told dp its time he faced it and its fact, I have got a past and nothings said that he doesnt know. I have only ever had this one partner before him. My ex hardly bothers with ds, only sees him when birthday,fathers day and xmas pressies get taken up. Dp gets it very easy I would imagine compared to other families. Ds loves him and has called him dad for many many years probably since 3!

OP posts:

edam · 22/01/2008 09:59

He sounds very controlling. Which should set alarm bills ringing. Why does he feel the need to blame you for existing before you met him?

I can't believe he made you get rid of your baby books and videos. He sounds like a very scary, severely jealous man who frankly has problems with reality. He's certainly not treating you with any respect.

If he can't control his extreme behaviour, then I think you need to get shot of him, frankly. He needs to realise his behaviour and jealousy is not normal or rational. He has a problem. If he can't accept this, recognise it and start to deal with it, he's going to end up being very bad for you and your children indeed.

Original poster

partypoop · 22/01/2008 09:59

Thank you for talking to me. I do feel trapped at the moment. I cant talk to anyone. People believe we have the house together. He would not like it if I told anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

partypoop · 22/01/2008 10:00

I suppose those things happened so long ago that I felt things were better now and thats why I think its a shock and concern to me now

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bethoo · 22/01/2008 10:04

he is will prob keep bringing it up forthe rest of your time together, i agree with edam. control freaks are a big no no!!

Brangelina · 22/01/2008 10:08

Well, he was so uptight about the house he lived in it for 7 years. My reply to his incoherent ramblings would be to tell him to buy the lot of you a new house. Also, this getting rid of baby photos and videos is daft, does he want to get rid of your DS too?

Can you afford to live in the house alone? If so, you'd probably be much better off without this insecure git person constantly hounding you. at the very least the tense atmosphere can't be good for the children.

partypoop · 22/01/2008 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

partypoop · 22/01/2008 10:16

To be honest he admitted its been fine with the house for a long while until my ex said that a few weeks ago and has triggered it all off again. He loves my ds. This is the first of it in a long time so the children have not known of any atmosphere. It only started last night whilst they were in bed.

OP posts:

warthog · 22/01/2008 10:16

i have lived with my ex in the flat he bought with his ex. didn't particularly bother me.

he is being very unreasonable. i had a ex like this who wouldn't forgive my past, even though he had a similar one. it's not pleasant and it's not logical.

Original poster

partypoop · 22/01/2008 10:20

warthog that is good to know. I only hear the things from him that no one would be happy in a home from a previous relationship. But it is more our home and I was never happy with the ex here. I have tried to tell him but makes no difference.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 22/01/2008 10:20

I used to get upset about my DH's past. I know I was being extremely unreasonable and jealous, he couldn't do anything about it!
Makes me very to read you got rid of baby videos etc, I hope I wouldn't have been that bad.

discoverlife · 22/01/2008 10:22

I have to assume that your DP expected to marry a certified virgin straight out of the convent. Well he didn't he chose you and he's damned lucky to have you and your house. Tell him to grow up. At least your ex hasn't been comparing 'blowjobs' like my ex and dh did one time. Or could that be the real reason for this 'you have a f past?'

Original poster

partypoop · 22/01/2008 10:25

Sometimes I cannot sleep thinking off what I have parted with. Dont get me wrong, I have videos of ds but had to be cut and chopped and ones with the ex and myself on had to go. I dont feel comfortable to watch them with dh. Stay in the draw and I hope still work.

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Original poster

partypoop · 22/01/2008 10:29

lol to comparing blowjobs discoverlife. God my life would be ruined!! This stress over a few words with 'when we' in does seem lame compared to that

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discoverlife · 22/01/2008 10:33

Yep, we were stood in the same room, Ex married my best mate, (small world) and we stopped talking long enough to overhear them talking about it. I was mortified because of best friend, not for me'.

discoverlife · 22/01/2008 10:36

As for your troubles with house situation, do as others have said. Tell him to put up or shut up. When he can provide a suitable home for you all then he can critisise the wallpaper.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 22/01/2008 10:37

We are talking about a house here. A house. I think your husband has completely lost track of that fact. It is made a home by the family that is in it. I have several friends who live in houses that used to be shared with an ex partner and none of them have your dh's issues.

He's being utterly ridiculous. Up until now you have essentially told him that it is right for him to feel this way (by being so understanding and bending over backwards to make him feel more comfortable). It's time to stop making excuses for him.

He has two choices:-

1 - Grow up and stop whinging about something so petty, i.e. the get-over-it option

2 - Buy you a new house. This is the option I think you should give him. If he really can't stand being there it is entirely his problem and entirely his responsibility to make changes.

God, if my DH had problems with my past (and there's plenty he could have ) I'd have strung him up! I think part of the problem is your feeling guilty - but you shouldn't, there's no reason for it. He's been unfair as he should have sat you down on day one and said "You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You have done your best by everybody involved."

Original poster

partypoop · 22/01/2008 10:43

phew, you got me then,made me cry. I wish I didnt have to feel ashamed and guilty

OP posts:

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 22/01/2008 10:51

You don't! You have done nothing wrong!

You have bent over backwards for someone who hasn't earnt your kindness. You were in a very vulnerable state when you met him and so you put a lot of effort into the relationship and gave in to his demands. You're not that person anymore. You're older, wiser and stronger. He is wrong to try to undermine that, don't give in to him.

I'll keep saying it - he wants to move, he can buy a new house for you all. You could always go on a charm offensive when he gets home, along the lines of, "I've been thinking about what you said, and you're right, we should put the past behind us! I've made an appointment for you to see a mortgage lender! I can't believe you're going to buy us a house, it's so lovely..." etc etc etc

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