I had a past, I cant help this. Anyone else feel like this?

[partypoop]

After been together now for over 7 years my partner has brought up my past again. It caused lots of stress in the beginning but has been great now for a long while. I have a ds from my previous relationship and obviously live in a home that I had brought with my ex but only lived in it together for 6mths. My dp now has lived with me here for these past 6 years and we have settled, however last night he re brought up the past after talking to my ex apparently and hearing him say things like when we looked on the market ect ect. Dh has not liked this about our home and has come back to me and brought it up last night. It was a horrific ordeal for me years ago as I was stuck in this situation where the house is secured for me by a family member and back then I couldnt lose it as our relationship was not good and new. I know it is not nice for him but by now I thought we had a perfect life and all insecurities were gone and I have done absolutely everything to make it perfect. All my possesions had to be changed, my rooms redecorated ect. Cause I had them with him. We have a dd together now aswell who is nearly 6yrs and I am to say the least heart broken to find I am still haunted by my horrible past. I had to hear him go on and on last night and I cant seem to say anything right and now we are not speaking and I feel so so down. I was told well its your f* fault and your f* past. It has to come up about that I have slept with him here ect ect. I have done everything in life to make the perfect life and cannot do anymore, got rid of baby books,videos,photos. That I have huge huge guilt about. I feel hurt and sick that again after everything he seems to not face the facts and wants my sympathy but what I give is not enough apparently and it makes me shake to discuss the topic, i am that stressed. He was extemely possesive in the past aswell as myself and was not a good relationship and I fear it again. I am now not possesive and positive and happy. I thought it was perfect. He left this morning without speaking and I am now home alone and very sad

its a bit trickier than that. I darent lose our home. It is owned by a fam member and we pay a low rent. Which in turn pays off the mortgage. I am in a tricky situation

Has he suggested you move before or is he happy enough with the cheap rent?

He has always spoke of having a different house one day and that it would be nicer but in the very early days it was obviously very good I had this place and he was full of it that I had a home to everyone! I presume he thinks when it becomes mine one day he will want to get rid and have another one. However, in my situation I am scared to loose it.

I honestly don't know why you are feeling guilty.
Were you a prostitute or a pornstar before you met DP?
If you wern't then there is nothing to feel guilty for. Everybody makes mistakes at sometime in their past and we all label it 'big lesson 514' and carry on with our lives.

Discoverlife is spot on! It's none of his business what you did before you met him.

So you'll inherit this house one day? Is that what you're saying? Let me know if I've got this wrong. He can't boast about your having a house one minute and then punish you for it the next. If you moved out and someone else rented it - for more money probably - would that keep your security?

yeah I suppose it would secure it in that way. Other problem is we have spent alot of money on it to accomodate my daughters health problems so not really practical to move and dp on min wage and so not enough money for new mortgage without taking over this one. So really you put it into perspective and its not really suitable to consider is it. I am a SAHM. You do have situation correct youknownothingofthecrunch

Right then. Sounds like the perfect opportunity to call his bluff! Go to a mortgage website here and put in his earnings. See what mortgage you can get. If you can't get one anywhere near the price of a house then you are free to say to him "Buy me a house! Don't forget it'll need X modifications for the kids and we can't sell this one to fund it." because you know full well he can't and it will call his bluff.

crafty

Oh yes, am sneakiness personified

If he honestly cannot buy a house himself without the money from a house that is yours and is not available to sell for the forseeable future, then either he works five jobs to afford it or he grows up!

Let him come up with the excuses why you can't move, let him rationalise it without you pointing out the problems. If he succeeds then brilliant, you get a new (modified for kids) house and you rent out the other one (that way it's there for you if you ever need it and is additional income for you - not for him).

It's a win win situation (and we both know he won't buy a new house!)

but he pays the rent and house expenses now. So I feel he feels its also partly his in value as he pays for it! So would expect to have it in his name aswell in the future and will expect to use its benefits to his advantage if he wanted a new home as he knows it is secured for me and was their for the purpose of when I wanted to take it back on I could.

Its very complicated.

Nope, it's yours and the kids'. You both contribute to the family and this is recognised and appreciated, but his paying the rent doesn't mean it's his. You say he's your partner, not your husband. So legally you don't share all your possessions. he is the one who says it isn't his home, so it isn't! Ha!

I know it's easy for me to simplify everything, and it is complicated. But the house isn't yours yet either (except as security), so it definitely isn't his. IYSWIM.

I know you said everything was perfect up unitl he brought all this up again, but was that because you always agreed with him?

is this the only niggle in your relationship?

Well, I think it has been real good for a long time because I have pasted over every thing(my past). So there was not much to be concerned over for a long time,he obviously felt ok and happy. House is almost totally changed, we have our dd together ect ect. Hardly see ex. Someone in his work is having problems in relationship and has cheated and seems to have triggered everything off. I think a topic has come up about not living in an ex's house ect too and then he has started again and confessed what my ex came out with the last time he saw him which was before xmas

Bloody ex, and bloody him for bloody listening! Men!

He is clearly really insecure. A couple of years ago my dh got fixated on something, I kept discussing it, making an effort to avoid it, going above and beyond to make it all better but it just seemed to get worse. It'd go away for a bit and then rear it's ugly head again. Until finally I sat dh down and said "Enough is enough! It is done with. I have been sympathetic to the fact that it upset you, but you are taking the p*ss. I will no longer be nice when you use this a a stick to beat me with, I will be angry." funnily enough he doesn't use it anymore . He even apologised to be afterwards as he hadn't realised that he'd been hurting me at all was just so focused on himself.

Men are silly, sometimes you have to point everything out to them and then stand well back while they thrash it out. Tell him that it really upsets you that he slags off the place that you think of as your family home. This is the place you were pregnant with his baby, the place you've had so many happy memories, and he's stomping them into the ground without even realising it.

yeah, I think he is very self centered. Totally. But I dont really think he even takes in how much it really hurts me as he is so engrossed in himself. Its like he cant be told anything. I was so upset last night it was like a kick in the guts after we have been so happy but I think he still expects to have the cuddles over it and sympathy but it is all so long long ago. I did say well yeah its not nice to hear the ex saying 'we this,we that' but its nothing he doesnt know. We were together and we did buy this place. I told him its time to face it by now and accept my past as he obviously always tries to avoid it. To much to keep on about it after so many years.I was loving to him at first. I did try to say he should be over this by now and how I am so upset its still there. Its like he thinks I'm wrong to get upset and angry. But I dont want to hear it anymore. I got out of that because I was unhappy and want to move on,not tortured all my life

I vowed to take time off from these boards (slightly addictive!) and I am ridiculously busy but I had a quick read over lunch and I just had to respond to this!!

I am a man...

Your DP, while undoubtedly having many qualities, is behaving like a total cock! Sorry, it has to be said. Tell him from me, if you like!

Youknow is right, sometimes we have to have things spelt out. But what is there to spell out here? God, when I read the title of the thread I thought there was going to be some seriously juicy lesbian/drug/famous person/prison story! As it is, your "past" wouldn't even get past the plot writers for a lunchtime soap. It's more CBBC than E4, that's for sure!

I am not trying to patronise you, far from it, just trying to illustrate that first and foremost you have to stop thinking that you have a past which is in any way worthy of concern.

As for your DP, well he really needs to put up or shut up. I won't even go into the stuff about you wouldn't be the person you are without your past experiences, I would hope he is intelligent enough to know that. As the cliché goes, "you pays your money and you makes your choices". If he doesn't like any part of his situation, he can change it. As has been said, he could buy a house. Or leave you. Go and find someone less cool than you who doesn't have a lovely kid and who doesn't offer him damn cheap board in a nice house.

I am normally sympathetic to guys on here as I like to give a balanced view but in this case, I have no (and I mean no) sympathy for your DP. He does not have a single leg to stand on. Tell him the following secret from me: "guess what, some men have partners who have slept with other men before them" and then you can also tell him that guess what, some men meet partners who already have a kid but they embrace the fact.

He needs to stop being so spoilt and controlling. Too often on this forum people accuse men of being controlling (I think it is too easy to do) but in this case he is definitely being controlling. The first rule of any healthy relationship is you cannot change your partner, you cannot control them and you cannot control how they feel. Taking that on board, quite how he thinks he can have any input or influence on what happened before you were even together, I really don't know.

Sorry to sound so hard but he either accepts the whole of you, as the imperfect and flawed human that you are (and as we all are) or frankly he would be better picking up his toys, putting them back in his pram and rolling off into the distance!!

Good luck and don't take any more of this puerile, immature blowlocks from him!!

Sounds like you did exactly the right thing. And he did the blokish thing of going on the defensive. I don't think he had considered your feelings in this before. Fingers crossed you've given him the kick up the backside he needed. You chose to leave "your past" behind and move on with him, he's the only thing tying you to "your past".

Hopefully he's had some space today to realise what a git he's been. Give him some space when he gets home, but if he does raise it again do exactly what you did before and smack him down! This is not acceptable behaviour and you are not going to tolerate it!

Cant thank you enough postingatlast for a mans view. I only hear dp's side and his saying no man would this or that. you to youknownothingofthecrunch helped to get my head straught this morn ahem afternoon!

Hurray! So, things we have learnt this morning about partypoop:-

1 - She has nothing to be ashamed of - a normal past with normal regrets and "wish I hadn't"s, but on the plus side a lovely child out of it and a strength that she wouldn't have otherwise.

2 - Her partner is not behaving like this because he is a man but because he is a cock!

3 - He is the one who needs to adjust and not partypoop (for she appears to be quite lovely!)

Class dismissed

grin]

love that post, youknownothing. Authorative and mildy authoritarian

so what is it that DP says men would do then, partpoop? Shall we set a multiple choice test and see what he answers?:

When moving into a nice home owned by a partner, men would:

a) be messy
b) have hang ups about anything which happened there before they moved in
c) short fuse the whole house when offering to change a light bulb

When meeting someone with with a lovely kid, men would:
a) be a bit scared
b) be pissed off that you had to have sex with someone else in order to conceive (sorry for the presumption here)
c) be concerned as to whether their new partner would actually want anymore kids

When bumping into a partner's ex, men would:
a) puff their chests out in a sort of "I'm shagging her now" kind of way
b) come back and give the current partner grief about stuff the ex has talked about which happened 7 years ago
c) maybe feel a tiny bit insecure, momentarily

When discovering photos of new partner with her baby and her ex, men would
a) accidentally spill coffee on the only photo of the baby's first bath
b) ask their partner to put all photos with afformentioned ex on the BBQ
c) point out that their partner looked thinner in those days

ok, if he answered mainly a's and c's, well done, he is being realistic. Congratulations, he is in the real world. Hard as it is, men are messy, clumsy, tactless and proud. Sorry, that's just the way we are but you do love us, I know you do.

If he answered mainly b's, I am afraid he is (spot the subtle use of the letter b here!!) a bollocksy bullshitting bastard who really needs to get over himself or go back home to his mummy!

I feel much better now

Anyone else fancy a fight today???!!!

Eloquently put, Posting. Might have to go and test dh...

So there you are, partypoop, proof - if proof be need be (sure that's a quote from something... - that you are in the right and that falling back on "This is how any man would react" is a load of old toss!

I'm with edam, this is another spoilt, selfish, controlling and potentially dangerous man. Big big loud loud alarm bells at him making you get rid of your baby photos, this is not rational behaviour. How does he treat your DS? If he complains about the child or is harsh with him then you need to warn him that you won't put up with it and, if need be, get rid of him because he doesn't sound much of a catch in the first place.