I had a past, I cant help this. Anyone else feel like this?

[partypoop]

After been together now for over 7 years my partner has brought up my past again. It caused lots of stress in the beginning but has been great now for a long while. I have a ds from my previous relationship and obviously live in a home that I had brought with my ex but only lived in it together for 6mths. My dp now has lived with me here for these past 6 years and we have settled, however last night he re brought up the past after talking to my ex apparently and hearing him say things like when we looked on the market ect ect. Dh has not liked this about our home and has come back to me and brought it up last night. It was a horrific ordeal for me years ago as I was stuck in this situation where the house is secured for me by a family member and back then I couldnt lose it as our relationship was not good and new. I know it is not nice for him but by now I thought we had a perfect life and all insecurities were gone and I have done absolutely everything to make it perfect. All my possesions had to be changed, my rooms redecorated ect. Cause I had them with him. We have a dd together now aswell who is nearly 6yrs and I am to say the least heart broken to find I am still haunted by my horrible past. I had to hear him go on and on last night and I cant seem to say anything right and now we are not speaking and I feel so so down. I was told well its your f* fault and your f* past. It has to come up about that I have slept with him here ect ect. I have done everything in life to make the perfect life and cannot do anymore, got rid of baby books,videos,photos. That I have huge huge guilt about. I feel hurt and sick that again after everything he seems to not face the facts and wants my sympathy but what I give is not enough apparently and it makes me shake to discuss the topic, i am that stressed. He was extemely possesive in the past aswell as myself and was not a good relationship and I fear it again. I am now not possesive and positive and happy. I thought it was perfect. He left this morning without speaking and I am now home alone and very sad

I think he has probably decided that it is a fair enough thing to be annoyed about and as PAL says threatens his alpha male place so is using it as a smokescreen for the underlying issues.

I promise you he will pick on something else if you transfer the mortgage - which you probably can't. Your family member was and still is protecting your future and it's really not a lot to do with him - although if he is contributing to the mortgage then he would technically have a right to a market share I think. You could put a legality in place deed of covenant? on it (think that's the right term) where if anything happens to you he will have a life interest and part share of the money with your 2 dcs. We have done something although it could have been tenants in common, not a legal expert at all. I think our split is 70-30 which ensures I always have enough to buy for me and the girls, no matter what happens.

He grew up with little attention I think. Was v naughty and things are laughed about even today about what he done ect ect by family. Feels like he never got a proper responsible up bringing. Elder one and had to do more for other siblings. No affairs, MIL and FIL together young I think!

I think he knows from the beginning that I could have it transfered to me one day! That was originally my fam intentions. I think you get older and wiser and so I have not obviously felt I want to put my/childrens security at risk.

Very difficult to say over cyberspace but it is certainly very reminiscent of low self esteem from the little you've said and that very often leads to bullying and controlling behaviour.

Possibly 'over zealous', controlling parenting by his ma and pa and thus he's left feeling as though he has little control over his life (especially if they still constantly refer to all his teenage transgressions and black sheepishness) and now that feeling is now being transferred to his relationship with you.

So you don't own your house either then and someone else owns it on your behalf so to speak?

I would be tempted to explain that if he is willing to accept that his behaviour is inappropriate and seek therapeutic help then you could then discuss the options re the house, but tread very carefully as a jealous habit is hard to break and can always reappear.

Yeah very tricky.

mm - sorry (didn't read that last post properly) - not over zealous parenting then, but the opposite which has the same effect quite often - the 'they didn't care about me and so I'm worthless' attitude. Controls others so he can feel superior - it's a horrid place to be on his part as well, if that's the case.

Does he ever say "if you really loved me you would...(insert request here)........"?

I don't know what your finances are like but is there any way in which you could invest in something else together which won't threaten your personal security?

partypoop speaking from the perspective of someone who has had various relationships, including one previous marriage and one horrendously controlling xp, I would like to add the following:

Firstly, as already said by many other posters, your dh sounds to be a very controlling and insecure man. When I was in a similar situation I knew "deep down" for a long time that it was never going to work out, but for many reasons I wasn't in a position (emotionally more then anything) to take the break. Now I am not saying that it may not work out for you and your dp, but I would bet that deep down you have a good idea of whether it is going to work out or not in the long term.

In my case it took time - many many months - between mulling everything over (as you seem to be now) and making the final decision. In my case to end it.

Wisteria has shared some of her story which in many ways is similar to mine. It reaffirmed to me that what I have now would be seen to many as a very boring life - but to me it is fantastic. However, I now have have a wonderful, secure and dependable dh who does not give a stuff that I was married before, I can honestly say it has no impact on our life together or on our dds. Such men do exist. In fact sometimes I almost "forget" that I was indeed married before...

The important thing is that you feel confident in whatever decision you make for you and your dc. I would like to wish you strength in working through all of this and hope that the way forward is made clear to you. Also hugs if you accept them (ignore if not)

I do seriously want to give it a good try but I have to admit much more of the past business and its going to ruin things. Hopefully he will get a grip now and settle back to normal again. Fingers crossed. I dont have that 'it wont ever work feeling' like I had in the other relationship. Although after realizing some things are not quite the norm in his behaviour is worrying me. I only have his word for this normally. thanks for the hugs, accepted Wisteria the 'if you really love me you would' question, no not now, maybe in the past but not really certain. Certainly not something said now to bribe me.

Partypoops, please don't take this the wrong way but are you telling us everything? It is clear that he has an issue with the house and it is also clear, from your last post, that there is more to this story of the house than you have said. If there is more, he might be picking up on this. Not defending his behaviour, just trying to get to the real bottom of what is going on. If there is more, I hope you will be comfortable posting it here, it would be a big help.

I do find he is very conditioning in his ways. I get alot of the questions like what would you do if that happened to you and I walked in. Just about the stripper in Eastenders. He used to tell me alot of doctors were perves ect ect. Not wanting me to go to them i Suppose?? I know thats true really.

oh god I dont mean the bit about the doctors is true! I mean true on that he didnt want me to go to them!! Sorry any doctors out there

Hi Partypoop. Just got in from work and trawled my way through all that.

So basically he wanted you to affirm his insecurities and agree that he should be upset and worried about them? What? I don't get it? I think that this really does come down to insecurity issues as has been pointed out.

I am so proud of you for standing your ground and saying that he needs to get over this. Suggesting counselling also a very good move. I would get hold of a copy of that book suggested if you can. It might help you - and him - understand his motivations and move towards resolving them.

Personal questions (that you don't have to answer) - are you his first serious realtionship? Is he quite young?

I know it didn't go according to plan, but you still did really well! Big pat on back from me!

Sorry postingatlast not quite sure what you mean about the house. I am just not obviously feeling secure enough in the relationship to put things on the line incase things go wrong i think. It was taken over when I became single and unable to manage/keep it. My ex was also paid off nothing more than that. My fam didnt want my ds more uprooted ect ect. Nothing more. But didnt want the help/or guilt that someone had to help me at the time but was happy after to be still living here and secure.

Big hello youknowwhatimean, thanks for your support again. I am his first serious relationship yes. He has had other girlfriends but not serious. Same age as me. Sorry but I have to whip off now. Will have a quick look in again when I get kids back.

No problem. I wonder if that has anything to do with his insecurities? The fact that you're his one big love and you've loved someone before. No, it shouldn't make a difference, but it can...

Actually I think I might stop trying to find excuses for his behaviour. You have been more than understanding.

I repeat everything I said yesterday. Stick with it, give it a few days for it to all sink in to that big thick head of his! But ultimately this is where you put your foot down. This is the last time he drags this up, he will now learn that it is time for him to grow up or throw away all that he has.

Right, that's my little strop over!

Yes, I am going to take a big deep breath and hope its all over with. Be positive and cheer myself up and yes put my foot down if I have to. You have all been great

PP your DP is being a muppet, I mean you had a DS when he met you so my guess unless your called Mary or have a large cabbage patch in your garden that meant you had had sex with someone

He sounds insecure if he made you redecorate,he made you get rid of baby books and photos,things that no mother would want to do, wonder he did not make you put your child up for adoption too, you need to tell him to grow up a bit.

WHY should you be made to be ashamed of your past? You have a lovely child from the relationship. Was your partner a virgin with no past when he met you?

I think he needs some help as he has a very unhealthy obsession about your Ex.

I feel a lot happier today and things seem back to normal on the relationship front. My heads a lot clearer now so I have been giving things a lot of thought. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I have wrongly felt more/too secure in this home than I actually should do. I suppose nothing ensures I will ever be able to buy it back. I used to be more sceptical but maybe I have become to complacent. Looking at the past, the kindness I received to save my childs upheavel at the time was all that mattered. I suppose over the period I have got too secure in a home i dont actually own. Maybe it would be quite expesive to get it back now as if I were actually going to start again with dp, I dont know, things have changed inflation ect. I feel maybe I should talk to dp about saving for our future anyway and see what happens and where it takes us. I think maybe it was just a natural impulse to feel to scared of distrupting my children if things ever went wrong again. By all means with the situation I am in I will not rush into anything and after all saving will give me plenty of time to come to terms with things and assess my relationship also.

Sounds like a positive frame of mind to be in. The important thing is that you don't feel bullied into doing anything or feeling anything that you shouldn't.

Glad to hear things are settling down, it's often the case that it takes a while for things to get through to men - they have to get passed all that ego and machismo

Hope that's the last you'll hear about it all. If not... we're always here.

Good luck x

Many thanks youknownothingofthecrunch.