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Original poster

Has anyone dated a man with ADHD?

91 replies

ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 17:51

He's lovely, funny and spontaneous. I've been reading up and I think we've got through the honeymoon phase where I was his focus. His focus is now on doing up a classic car. He doesn't check his phone, so doesn't read messages for days. Gets his days mixed up. Gets so engrossed in ordering car parts that days go by without him noticing. He can also speak with no filter and come across as a bit rude.

Any tips?

OP posts:
Schmickels · 28/08/2022 18:00

Accept him as he is. There is no "fix", will these things will be a problem for you? only you can answer that.

Both myself and DP are ADHD. The hyper focus changes every few weeks, it's endlessly frustrating for both of us!

Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 18:06

He isn't like anyone I've dated before. He's so lovely. But this is a first for me and I think I need some help dealing with it.

I was offended by the no filter comments to start with. I've learned to deal with them.

I've spent the last month convinced he's gone off me and I've backed off too. I thought perhaps he met someone else but I think it's just the classic car being his focus now. Do I give him space to focus on the car or do I carry on contacting him, even though he hasn't read my messages?

What do I do if he cancels dates because he has to wait in for car parts delivery? Do I offer to go round and take dinner and wait in with him, or do I leave him to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 18:13

I felt quite rejected. Because his focus had been me then it switched without warning to something else and I didn't know what had happened. I've had to read up to work it out. I don't know if I can deal with it. He's worth trying dealing with it for though.

OP posts:
Pua · 28/08/2022 18:29

I have medicated ADHD and also manage it with exercise and diet so don’t have the extremes like your partner. Im yet to have any issues communicating with my husband but do struggle to reply to messages from friends.They are aware that although I’ll think about them and the message I have waiting everyday I do have a block on actually putting the message together so they may be waiting weeks for my reply. They understand this and I have a lot of positives in other areas of it’s easy to overlook.

My MIl is married to a man who refuses to manage his ADHD. Hes happy to leave people feeling aggrieved by his unmanaged impulsiveness and hyperactivity, including how it means he talks over people. He talks down to others to try and make him feel better about his insecurities. Plus, he puts his own interests above his loved ones. MIL has had to endure decades of an unhappy marriage and tried to leave him again recently for the second time but decided she couldn’t afford it. Instead they brought a static caravan she escapes to often.

Is he willing to try meds to see if they’ll bring more balance to his life? If not willing to work on the issues you have and he’s happy to ignore your communication and cancel dates to focus on his hobby is this the kind of man you want to date?

Lavendersummer · 28/08/2022 18:32

If he knows he has adhd and isn’t at least trying to manage it then you could be in for some difficult times.
Even tho he is into his car he should still make time for you.
Maybe it’s time to move on. If he really likes you he will make efforts to get you back.
It is hard being married to someone with adhd - I have it and I’m the wife!

Belle999 · 28/08/2022 20:12

I have adhd and cannot stand people who use it as an excuse to absolve themselves of basic manners. Yes we can all hyperfocus but that's not an excuse for forgetting common courtesies. I would get rid. He'll only get worse and make more excuses.

Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 20:19

Maybe it’s time to move on. If he really likes you he will make efforts to get you back.

I think this is my concern. Will the focus on me have been for only the first few months and I'll be second place to whatever he is focusing on at the time, for the duration of the relationship? Or will his focus switch back to me from time to time?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 20:20

I have medicated ADHD and also manage it with exercise and diet so don’t have the extremes like your partner.

He self manages with diet and exercise and had therapy for a while. He doesn't want to take medication though.

OP posts:
Broxburngal · 28/08/2022 20:21

You are describing my husband to a tee. I’ve managed to live with it all for quite a few years but it becomes very difficult at times.

Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:11

After we had been dating for 6 weeks he sent me a message saying "do you think we will have sex at some point?", rather than trying to gauge it. No filter again but I find him quite endearing, so different from anyone else I've dated.

It's the ups and downs. I'm not sure if I'll feel rejected if he keeps 100% focussing on something else for weeks at a time.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:12

Broxburngal · 28/08/2022 20:21

You are describing my husband to a tee. I’ve managed to live with it all for quite a few years but it becomes very difficult at times.

Have you got any tips please? Did you notice it when you were dating / not living together and how did you manage it?

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Gonewiththewindbeforelong · 28/08/2022 21:15

Yes, my DH. It was HARD at the beginning. Rubbish at replying etc. I stopped texting and he started instigating and I found out then that he wanted to see me, and could text, but as I say, it was hard.

Now I know him I see it wasn’t personal; he’s hellishly disorganised, forgetful, shambolic often! All of that being said, he’s absolutely wonderful and I wouldn’t change him. Im so so glad I stuck around.

DH sometimes lacks filter and is socially awkward (high functioning autistic), but again, he’s brilliantly competent in so many areas, I just see it as an extension of him.

I’m super organised and on it and as a team, we work! I wouldn’t be put off by this guy you’re seeing, just accept if you want to continue this is the way he is and in time, you may get to learn more, and how to manage it for you.

FrancescaContini · 28/08/2022 21:18

Yes, I have dated someone with ADHD. Walking away from him after a very confusing period of my life was essential for my mental health. Never again.

Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:20

His house is a shambles and he sometimes forgets to shower.

He's so lovely when we're together though. I love his honesty, spontaneity and eccentricities.

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 28/08/2022 21:25

ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:20

His house is a shambles and he sometimes forgets to shower.

He's so lovely when we're together though. I love his honesty, spontaneity and eccentricities.

Well if you value eccentricity over smelling clean, basic personal hygiene and an ordered environment, carry on. Not sure what you are looking for here.

Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:27

Gonewiththewindbeforelong · 28/08/2022 21:15

Yes, my DH. It was HARD at the beginning. Rubbish at replying etc. I stopped texting and he started instigating and I found out then that he wanted to see me, and could text, but as I say, it was hard.

Now I know him I see it wasn’t personal; he’s hellishly disorganised, forgetful, shambolic often! All of that being said, he’s absolutely wonderful and I wouldn’t change him. Im so so glad I stuck around.

DH sometimes lacks filter and is socially awkward (high functioning autistic), but again, he’s brilliantly competent in so many areas, I just see it as an extension of him.

I’m super organised and on it and as a team, we work! I wouldn’t be put off by this guy you’re seeing, just accept if you want to continue this is the way he is and in time, you may get to learn more, and how to manage it for you.

Thank you. Reading up has been an education. I'm glad you have made it work.

OP posts:
Pua · 28/08/2022 21:32

It doesn’t sound like he his managing his disability via diet and exercise, he sound chaotic and as though he really struggles.

If he doesn’t want to take medication these issues won’t go away and will get worse in times of stress. Do you want to live the rest of your life having sole responsibility for communication, domestic chores, your husbands basic hygiene ….

Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:32

Well if you value eccentricity over smelling clean, basic personal hygiene and an ordered environment, carry on.

I think he's a lovely man. Not cynical. I don't really know how to describe it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:33

Pua · 28/08/2022 21:32

It doesn’t sound like he his managing his disability via diet and exercise, he sound chaotic and as though he really struggles.

If he doesn’t want to take medication these issues won’t go away and will get worse in times of stress. Do you want to live the rest of your life having sole responsibility for communication, domestic chores, your husbands basic hygiene ….

But these things can be managed with help / medication / self care?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 28/08/2022 21:35

Medication isnt a cure all for those pushing that. Sometimes the side effects are unbearable for the sufferer

SquirrelSoShiny · 28/08/2022 21:36

How long have you been together?

Pua · 28/08/2022 21:39

Yes they can. In small cases medication doesn’t help but if he’s unwilling to try you won’t know and his current strategies do not work.

ADHD medication has changed my life. I’d walk away from domestic chores before they were half finished and my husband had to manage this part of family life. Now I am able to do my fair share. Meds, running and a healthy diet have the greatest effect but without meds my ability to sustain my attention on tasks I’m less interested in is nonexistent

Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:39

6 months.

I was the focus for the first 4. Then he "cooled off".

If he misses a date he seems to feel guilty though and I get sweet messages for days.

If I didn't know about the ADHD, I'd have binned him off as a manipulator.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:42

Pua · 28/08/2022 21:39

Yes they can. In small cases medication doesn’t help but if he’s unwilling to try you won’t know and his current strategies do not work.

ADHD medication has changed my life. I’d walk away from domestic chores before they were half finished and my husband had to manage this part of family life. Now I am able to do my fair share. Meds, running and a healthy diet have the greatest effect but without meds my ability to sustain my attention on tasks I’m less interested in is nonexistent

Thank you. It's very new to me.

He was diagnosed as an adult about 6 years ago. He has very similar behaviours to a former colleague of mine, who was also diagnosed as an adult.

OP posts:
Adhdwife · 28/08/2022 21:45

I'm in a long marriage to a man only diagnosed with moderate ADHD within the last few years. Medication isn't suitable for him.

The pros: His creativity, sense of humour and energy for the stuff he can hyperfocus on. Great dad, adores our DC.

The cons: Disorganised, messy, bad with money, disinterested in stuff which needs to be done but doesn't interest him.
Undemonstrative and comes over as very self centred.

Although I love him dearly it's been very hard work. I feel my role has always been his mother and manager and he's become worse with age.

My honest advice to my younger self would have been not to have married him.