Has anyone dated a man with ADHD?

[ShelfyMcShelfface]

He's lovely, funny and spontaneous. I've been reading up and I think we've got through the honeymoon phase where I was his focus. His focus is now on doing up a classic car. He doesn't check his phone, so doesn't read messages for days. Gets his days mixed up. Gets so engrossed in ordering car parts that days go by without him noticing. He can also speak with no filter and come across as a bit rude.

Any tips?

It seems a bit soon for the cool off tbh so I would hang back a bit. Might be worth reading up on attachment styles and see if you both mesh healthily.

I'll be honest - I'm the diagnosed ADHD one in our household and if I had lost interest by that stage it was game over even if they sometimes talked me into sticking around a while longer 😬 With DH it felt very different. I suspect he has some neurodivergence too.

He isn’t effectively managing it though; he’s not treating you as a priority, he smells; his house is messy so I hope you’re not planning on living together unless you want to do all the housework

He might be lovely but he’s not competent

I am not sure this is especially to do with ADHD?! It’s pretty odd.

I don’t know OP, I can’t see you wanting to deal with this for life, can you?

Thanks for your honesty. I really don't know. We don't live together, so the car thing might be an excuse for seeing someone else but keeping me on the back burner. If it hadn't been for the ADHD then that would have been my assumption.

He hasn't cooled completely and he does send messages saying that he's sorry for not messaging but things got on top of him.

We are both in our 40s. I have 1 DD, he has no children and has had a vasectomy.

He doesn't smell. He just sometimes says I forgot to have a shower today.

That was just my experience OP. Just one experience. Best thing is to talk to him but think about long term compatibility. We are like all partners we bring good and bad qualities to the table and it's about figuring out what works together. Be honest with yourself about your needs and then see if things will work. Can you meet each other's needs?

Don't ever talk yourself into being with someone. If his behaviour upsets you, it doesn't really matter the cause of that behaviour.

FWIW I don't think the rudeness you're describing is particularly typical of ADHD. It's possible for someone to have ADHD and, entirely separately, for them to be a bit of a dick.

I am not sure this is especially to do with ADHD?! It’s pretty odd.

DD has ADD, but recognises she has many autistic traits. She believes in functional communication. Left to her own devices, she would email someone (in an official capacity) with

“Dear X

I need you to…..”

To her, that’s being efficient in getting straight to her point. We tell her, people have a to do list of 100 items, and her request is bottom of their priorities - take her approach and they won’t bother. She needs to ask politely “I would be really grateful if you could….Thanking you in anticipation….”

She accepts the social niceties are the norm; but she still can’t see the point of it really! (She doesn’t understand small talk either!)

Thank you. There are so many lovely things about him.

I agree that he may have just gone off me and I may not be accepting that and attributing it to the ADHD instead.

I think I'll hang back and see what happens.

I'd be concerned that the 4 months where he was attentive, he was treating you as his latest interest/obsession. Only for you to have been replaced by his car restoration. Which will be replaced with another interest eventually. I'm not sure I could send the time and energy trying to keep a relationship going when the other person doesn't engage as I'd like.

I suppose ADHD affects people in different ways, and to varying degrees. Hyperfocus for a long period of time, to the extent of not answering a text for days, sounds more like OCD, and indeed some people are a mix of different issues. I can hyperfocus for a bit, but then get distracted easily and more likely to not finish stuff. I have talked over people, it's because you have an idea in reply to something someone has said, and if you wait till finished, you know you will have forgotten the idea ( forgetfulness!) by then, so its either get it out, or dont be involved in conversation and be introverted. Can't say I've generally forgotten to text. I tend to answer straight away, or in the case of men, aim to match their effort - or lack of!
Personally, I wouldn't continue with someone who takes hours, let alone days, on a regular basis to reply, but then if ocd is on top of stuff, it might explain it. However, if a person can manage to reply appropriately in the first few months, that has already shown they are capable. So I'd think that as most distracted by the thing most enthusiastic about applies generally, he's become less enthusiastic perhaps, and is that acceptable? Or is it ocd about the car?🤔

Yes, I agree, I don't know if I'll come back into being the focus though, or it I'll forever be on the back burner, behind whatever project he has going. I wondered if anyone who has ADHD or lives with an ADHD partner could tell me.

I have ADHD and I am sure it's challenging for my husband but we have been married for 30+ years. I am Impulsive but also that brings spontaneous fun as well. Try to focus on the positive

Yes, the spontaneous fun, it's just great. I'm sure I annoy him with my reservations and thinking things through annoy him too.

You're describing my DP (bar the hygiene aspect -DP uses intense exercise to manage, so is always 'shower fresh'.
Like Pua said (I paraphrase); if you're happy compensating and mitigating your way through life, go ahead. These things may be endearing now, but won't be when he's spoken to your boss' husband 'without a filter' at the firm's garden party, or missed something you we're really looking forward to or let your DC down in some way. You're likely to spend your life being an enabler and an apologist rolled into one.
DP seeks to include and 'enrol' me in his energetic maelstrom; it is exhausting. Whether it is participation in a task, company on a trip or activity or soliciting opinion on some random stream-of-consciousness; his idea of a good time is if we're 'in it' together, but it can feel relentless.
We've been together for 20+ years and if anything, he's harder work now than when we met.

It sounds like you already know this won't work.
After 4 months he's already doing things you don't like, whether it's deliberate or not, the effect is the same.
Imagine how much more you still yet have to find out...
Step back, reassess and see if he makes the effort.

My ex has ADHD and you are describing him. It only gets worse, I'd cut your losses.

Nice. Another ADHD-bashing thread.

What's this "I'm not his focus anymore" shite? Why do you want to be the only thing at the centre of someone's world? That can't be healthy.
Never mind him, you need to look at yourself and figure out why you're struggling to accept everything is not all about you. The guy is living with constant internal chaos, and you're taking it personally. If you don't understand him, or you can't find empathy, then do walk away.

I'm 21 years into a relationship with a man with ADHD.It's not a life I would have actively chosen for myself;I'm well aware that everyone is different and it's not a one size fits condition;my DH is a masker however he couldn't mask it anymore with me.

Things have declined over the years,it's been very difficult to parent with a partner with ADHD;ive essentially been left to do it all alone,he's The Disney dad.

My DH has OCD,he hyper focus's on things which is annoying,he procrastinates,doesn't do any cooking,cleaning,shopping etc,is very selfish as he's unable to often look beyond his own wants/needs and is terrible with money which has led to him running up a lot of debt mostly without my knowledge.His personal hygiene is horrendous;he barely ever showers even when I remind him to.

It's like having another child to care for and then are times I feel more like his career than his wife.

Apologies if this offends anyone who has ADHD on here but if you're having doubts about a relationship with him then I'd recommend you listen to them and trust your instincts.

I have ADHD and the phone thing (ignoring it, taking ages to reply ) seems to be a universal thing amongst all the ADHD people I've met.

A text message needing a reply is like an another micro-task for me. And then there's another micro-task. And another one. I'd burn and bury my phone would it be an option!
I suck at micro-tasks. I'm good at big, exciting, all-involving things.

I know my limitations and as a result I'm not seeking an all-in cohabiting relationship. I'd be happy to date forever - in between my massive DIY projects, creative pursuits and new businesses.

I "binge" on people - I want to date, party, go places, shag, talk, hug & cuddle.... And then all of a sudden all I can think about is this obsessive need to go and cover my house in murals (or something! ) and I go and do it. And I don't do anything else at all. And I disappear. I'm back at some point for the next "binge".

OP, I'd go there only if you are very resilient emotionally and practically and actually appreciate some distance from your partner time to time.

Whilst some of what you say rings true this is unfair and unkind to the OP.

Being in a relationship with a someone with ADHD is usually difficult to varying degrees.I have noticed via time spent with female friends with ADHD there is a often a difference in how it effects woman as opposed to men but that's another story for another time.

You sound quite angry and bitter;I'm wondering if you have ADHD and someone/some exes has hurt you due to struggling with this in your relationship/s.

yep, I agree.

I don’t know, I feel he just sounds selfish especially if you’ve presumably raised these issues with him? Not sure if you can put this down to Adhd, not completely anyway.

It's neither unfair nor unkind. It's honest and direct. There are plenty of other people here who can pet and console her and tell her it's all the bad man's fault.

And yes, I have ADHD and autism and never in a million years will I ever date someone who is not neurodiverse in some way because, ironically, neurodiverse people tend to have more empathy for the struggles of others.

People are just doing their best. And sometimes that "best" means not showering, not opening the blinds and just sitting watching 6 hours of sugar cookie decorating on YouTube while eating scrambled eggs made in the microwave.

The last thing anyone needs is people who have no clue wailing in the corner,

"What about me? You need to go drug yourself up so your condition doesn't affect me. Do you know how awful it is for me? You're so selfish."

Selfish??? Do you know how awful it is for US? Do you know how awful it is to not have the mental energy to even stand under a shower for 5 mins? It's not bloody laziness. That's just how horrendous our functioning is at that moment in time. But yes, let's tell the OP to ditch the useless, lazy, waste of space because he's going to make her life hell with his condition.