Page 4 | Has anyone dated a man with ADHD?

ShelfyMcShelfface · 2022-08-28T16:51:13+00:00

He's lovely, funny and spontaneous. I've been reading up and I think we've got through the honeymoon phase where I was his focus. His focus is now on doing up a classic car. He doesn't check his phone, so doesn't read messages for days. Gets his days mixed up. Gets so engrossed in ordering car parts that days go by without him noticing. He can also speak with no filter and come across as a bit rude. Any tips?

Musti · 29/08/2022 12:04

If he’s anything like me, it won’t be his feelings that has changed. Call him up on it but in a nice way. Say that you really enjoy being with him and whilst you can’t expect a relationship to be always like the first flush of romance that you miss him and want to spend time with him. Also maybe join him with the car thing or start other stuff yourself and see if he wants to join in. I have lots of hobbies which chop and change and love it when my boyfriend joins me in stuff and vice versa.

Also, arrange stuff and he’s more likely to come if he’s anything like me. I did a lot of the arranging at the beginning and then I think when I stopped it was confusing for my boyfriend. So he started arranging stuff but not pressurising me, just suggesting I joined him. And I do for stuff that catches my fancy. But I also like that I’m not guilt tripped because that would make me resistant.

It can be fun and exciting being with a person with adhd but must also be really frustrating. I also overcommit a lot due to not judging how long things will take me and always wanting to help people.

DFOD · 29/08/2022 12:15

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 11:56

I think, tbf, I feel a bit lonely too. So I'm grasping at straws. The ADHD is an additional element. If he hadn't mentioned that, I'd just chalk it up to experience and walk away assuming he'd gone off me / met someone else.

This is a really important insight.

It doesn’t matter why he does this - what matters is the emotional impact on you.

Blowing hot and cold will do nothing for your loneliness, self esteem or happiness.

He has told you his life long pattern - he will be bored within a year (if not already) and you will be dumped.

Why put yourself through that?

Do you think you are “the one” to fix him after his decades of not building connections / relationships?

Or alternatively do you think that’s all you deserve - a half arsed relationship?

I suspect he has had decades of feedback on his relating style from GFs, friends and family - but is choosing not to consider adapting a bit to meet others basic needs.

His ADHD might explain it - but it doesn’t excuse it. As other have said this is him at his very best.

Opentooffers · 29/08/2022 12:51

Doesn't sound great based on his relationship history. It sounds like he can't sustain an emotional connection longer than a year. Be careful, heartbreak could be around the corner. Maybe this was just meant to be a first guy to dip your toe in the water with after the end of your LTR. A year is not much gap after something lasting years ends, you might just be latching onto him.

thenewduchessoflapland · 29/08/2022 13:20

@SquirrelSoShiny

You're comment about men with ADHD being at ease living life like an eternal teenager really struck a cord with me;this is literally describing my DH.

Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 13:22

Opentooffers · 29/08/2022 12:51

Doesn't sound great based on his relationship history. It sounds like he can't sustain an emotional connection longer than a year. Be careful, heartbreak could be around the corner. Maybe this was just meant to be a first guy to dip your toe in the water with after the end of your LTR. A year is not much gap after something lasting years ends, you might just be latching onto him.

Dating in your 40s is very different from dating in your 20s. The mass take up of OLD (which is where I met this man). Maybe I'm just learning how to navigate it.

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SquirrelSoShiny · 29/08/2022 13:23

thenewduchessoflapland · 29/08/2022 13:20

@SquirrelSoShiny

You're comment about men with ADHD being at ease living life like an eternal teenager really struck a cord with me;this is literally describing my DH.

I think women are less likely to give ourselves permission so we end up incredibly anxious and burnt out instead or when we follow the eternal teenager route (I do at times) it causes major marital discord. Men are generally less forgiving of partners not living up to role standards!

justasking111 · 29/08/2022 13:51

My OH got bollocked by our new neighbors. I heard him chopping logs one morning early just turned over in bed thinking he's bored. The neighbours however weren't amused and told him to pack it in. He was genuinely confused. Why isn't everyone up early they're wasting the day 😂

Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 14:25

Do you think you are “the one” to fix him after his decades of not building connections / relationships?

He does seem to be able to sustain long term friendships. I guess they know him and know what to expect.

The difference is, he and ADHD are new to me.

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justasking111 · 29/08/2022 18:08

This thread is all somewhat negative. Think of it as a different gift they've been given rather than a curse. My lot have bought much joy to me and wider family. They're loving, generous, exuberant human beings

awwbiscuits · 29/08/2022 18:59

I married a man with adhd. Tbf though I didn't know at the time. I just thought he was so fun - he loved trying new stuff, pushed me to be a bit more free and less uptight. Showed me wholeheartedly how much he loved me. Still does, actually.

It has proven challenging as the time has gone on in our marriage, money issues mostly. He didn't get diagnosed until we'd been married 5 years.
But we've come up with strategies, I love him and how fun he is and how brilliant he is with dd.

EpicDay · 29/08/2022 19:18

I’ve been married to someone with ADHD for 28 years. Both our DC have ADHD. It’s remarkable how much of what is said on this thread resonates so strongly with me. It’s been amazing and he is the most extraordinary man and we have a richness to our life that we would not have had without his particular approach to life. If I could turn the clock back I don’t think I would have done anything different - I was blown away by him and there are so many mountains (both metaphorical and physical!) that I would not have climbed without him. But right now I am very very tired of the chaos. This has happened to me periodically throughout the years and when I am on a low I wonder whether I would have been better alone or with someone less spectacular - but when I am feeling strong I wouldn’t swap him for the world. That doesn’t help much really, does it? I guess just be aware that he won’t change and be sure that you have strategies to cope.

Broxburngal · 29/08/2022 20:08

Yes @ShelfyMcShelfface
Unfortunately I didn’t notice it too much when we were dating as like you, he was focusing solely on me. The only thing I did notice which made me quite uneasy was the amount of times he texted me in a day (all day basically). He also had the line, “Are you going to have sex with me soon? I suppose there were a lot of red flags that things were not “normal” early on but it’s only looking back now that I realise I should have paid more attention.
Also, like your DP, my husband is good looking, has a very endearing public personality etc. I love him but he’s difficult to live with at times because he is always busy with his projects. He works with wood, metal etc and that is his focus, so much so that he forgets appointments, forgets to look at his phone for messages or calls, doesn’t check his email for days or weeks and even forgets to pay me any attention. He has come out with very inappropriate comments in public at times which can confuse people and embarrass me and that is very hard. He talks and talks and talks when we are with his friends but some of his stories about me and my family are not accurate to say the least and this bothers me.
I don’t know if I have any useful tips apart from:-

think very carefully about staying involved because it becomes more difficult as the years go by
if you do persevere, try to fill up your time with your own interests because it can be very lonely if you don’t - due to whatever his focus will be at any given time
expect to come last and for your views not to matter as nothing takes precedence over his focus
although you were a focus of his in the beginning, he has done that and been there so moves on to a different one and could well be another woman on the side whether at his work or a friend of his.

These are all things that have happened to me but not necessarily will happen to you so I hope I have been of some help.

Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 22:43

justasking111 · 29/08/2022 18:08

This thread is all somewhat negative. Think of it as a different gift they've been given rather than a curse. My lot have bought much joy to me and wider family. They're loving, generous, exuberant human beings

Thank you. He is lovely, generous and doesn't have a malicious bone in his body.

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asquideatingdough · 30/08/2022 06:54

My DP has ADHD but perhaps it is quite mild because apart from him taking Ritalin for work and changing subjects abruptly in conversation I don't really notice anything different about him from non-ADHD people. He can definitely differentiate between his relationship with me and his latest hobby/interest. His house is a bit messy but he always answers texts and calls promptly, pays me and everyone him his life appropriate attention and is generally a responsible, mature adult. So I'm not sure if you can chalk up all the problems here to ADHD but even if you could, if you feel unsatisfied after 4 months (and from your description I totally get why) then that doesn't bode well for the future.

Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 30/08/2022 08:27

Broxburngal · 29/08/2022 20:08

Yes @ShelfyMcShelfface
Unfortunately I didn’t notice it too much when we were dating as like you, he was focusing solely on me. The only thing I did notice which made me quite uneasy was the amount of times he texted me in a day (all day basically). He also had the line, “Are you going to have sex with me soon? I suppose there were a lot of red flags that things were not “normal” early on but it’s only looking back now that I realise I should have paid more attention.
Also, like your DP, my husband is good looking, has a very endearing public personality etc. I love him but he’s difficult to live with at times because he is always busy with his projects. He works with wood, metal etc and that is his focus, so much so that he forgets appointments, forgets to look at his phone for messages or calls, doesn’t check his email for days or weeks and even forgets to pay me any attention. He has come out with very inappropriate comments in public at times which can confuse people and embarrass me and that is very hard. He talks and talks and talks when we are with his friends but some of his stories about me and my family are not accurate to say the least and this bothers me.
I don’t know if I have any useful tips apart from:-

think very carefully about staying involved because it becomes more difficult as the years go by
if you do persevere, try to fill up your time with your own interests because it can be very lonely if you don’t - due to whatever his focus will be at any given time
expect to come last and for your views not to matter as nothing takes precedence over his focus
although you were a focus of his in the beginning, he has done that and been there so moves on to a different one and could well be another woman on the side whether at his work or a friend of his.

These are all things that have happened to me but not necessarily will happen to you so I hope I have been of some help.

Thank you.

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Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 30/08/2022 08:28

@awwbiscuits @EpicDay

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

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