Page 3 | Has anyone dated a man with ADHD?

ShelfyMcShelfface · 2022-08-28T16:51:13+00:00

He's lovely, funny and spontaneous. I've been reading up and I think we've got through the honeymoon phase where I was his focus. His focus is now on doing up a classic car. He doesn't check his phone, so doesn't read messages for days. Gets his days mixed up. Gets so engrossed in ordering car parts that days go by without him noticing. He can also speak with no filter and come across as a bit rude. Any tips?

sandgrown · 29/08/2022 07:38

My adult son was recently diagnosed with ADHD. He has a lovely girlfriend who spends a lot of time at our house. Every so often my son needs some down time from her to just be alone and recharge his batteries. Unfortunately she takes this personally and gets annoyed but I know he just needs to be in his own home chilling or to spend some time with his mates. They have agreed not to see each other for a couple of nights a week snd it seems to work. FWIW he is personally very clean and concerned with his appearance, spontaneous, disorganised, hard working, very funny and generous but sometimes has no filter. He can also have a meltdown if he is overwhelmed and gets stressed but we can see the triggers now and work round them.

Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 07:40

BadNomad · 29/08/2022 02:36

Nice. Another ADHD-bashing thread.

What's this "I'm not his focus anymore" shite? Why do you want to be the only thing at the centre of someone's world? That can't be healthy.
Never mind him, you need to look at yourself and figure out why you're struggling to accept everything is not all about you. The guy is living with constant internal chaos, and you're taking it personally. If you don't understand him, or you can't find empathy, then do walk away.

Apologies if I've offended you. It wasn't supposed to be an ADHD bashing thread. It's new to me and I'm seeking to understand.

If I didn't know he had ADHD then, like I said below, I'd have ended it when he stopped replying to messages etc.

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Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 08:53

QueenCamilla · 29/08/2022 03:01

I have ADHD and the phone thing (ignoring it, taking ages to reply ) seems to be a universal thing amongst all the ADHD people I've met.

A text message needing a reply is like an another micro-task for me. And then there's another micro-task. And another one. I'd burn and bury my phone would it be an option!
I suck at micro-tasks. I'm good at big, exciting, all-involving things.

I know my limitations and as a result I'm not seeking an all-in cohabiting relationship. I'd be happy to date forever - in between my massive DIY projects, creative pursuits and new businesses.

I "binge" on people - I want to date, party, go places, shag, talk, hug & cuddle.... And then all of a sudden all I can think about is this obsessive need to go and cover my house in murals (or something! ) and I go and do it. And I don't do anything else at all. And I disappear. I'm back at some point for the next "binge".

OP, I'd go there only if you are very resilient emotionally and practically and actually appreciate some distance from your partner time to time.

Thank you for posting this, it's really helpful.

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Opaljewel · 29/08/2022 08:58

Is this a thing with men and adhd? I have suspected adhd on a waiting list and I'm very demonstrative and I am always affectionate with my partner. We've been together 16 years and I'm still in love with him. He's always on my mind. Is this unusual for adhd or something? My partner is NT.

I am terrible with chores but I am working on it. Since I only realised what I am since last year.

Sorry for derail.

Drinkingpop · 29/08/2022 09:03

If someone not replying to your messages makes you feel bad, then you need to find someone who does reply to your messages. It doesn't matter why they don't reply. You're tying yourselves in knots speculating about the reasons for it - but the upshot is you're not happy with the situation and it's unlikely to improve.

justasking111 · 29/08/2022 09:11

46 years we've been together next month. He's a Duracell bunny always on the go. The no filter thing we speak about openly in the family and challenge him on sometimes. I'm not perfect but over the years we've muddled through in our own roles. He's dyslexic too

Mariokartedoff · 29/08/2022 09:12

ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:20

His house is a shambles and he sometimes forgets to shower.

He's so lovely when we're together though. I love his honesty, spontaneity and eccentricities.

Tread carefully. These are the things I love about my DH but also these are usually the things that are the bane of my existence 20 years later now that we have kids.

SquirrelSoShiny · 29/08/2022 09:12

I do sometimes think that having some kind of neurodivergence in common can be helpful while also leading to conflict on occasion! Yes neurodivergence in a neurotypical world can be really exhausting. It's hard masking all day in work then coming home burnt out and feeling like your family get the scraps of energy left. The only solution is to accept your own limitations and have a partner who can deal with those limitations. Both parties need to have their needs met.

I actually think women are more prone to ADHD burnout because we are socialised to keep caregiving until we're empty. Men with ADHD seem to feel more at ease living like eternal teenagers. I have that same impulse to hyperfocus to manage stress I just don't allow myself to do it as much - when I do it's too easy for the pendulum to swing too far the other way and I disconnect from loved ones to focus on my special interests. It looks like I'm just opting out of life and sometimes I have.

How honest is your boyfriend able to be about himself OP? How self aware is he?

ArcticSkewer · 29/08/2022 09:13

ShelfyMcShelfface · 28/08/2022 21:11

After we had been dating for 6 weeks he sent me a message saying "do you think we will have sex at some point?", rather than trying to gauge it. No filter again but I find him quite endearing, so different from anyone else I've dated.

It's the ups and downs. I'm not sure if I'll feel rejected if he keeps 100% focussing on something else for weeks at a time.

It's like playing the slot machines. Intermittent reward systems are really powerful on humans.

Bestcatmum · 29/08/2022 09:14

No because I have enough problems of my own and do not wish to take on even more problems.

HMSSophia · 29/08/2022 09:31

Hmm. I have adhd. I definitely go off activities I have been passionately interested in... and do not return to them. Ever. It's like chewing gum - chew frantically for the flavour and when it's all chewed out and no flavour left - bah, what's the point? No flavour (dopamine)

But I have had long long (25 years) relationships where my partner has been interesting to me. Where my partner accepts the good and bad in me. Where he is enough of his own person not to panic if I don't connect with him for a week or so (pre cohabiting).

Having said that, I'm happier by far living alone. I prefer my people-contact (even with my absolutely beloved adult children) in short intense wonderful bursts, not the day to day marathon. So I celebrate loved ones birthdays for eg, brilliantly and imaginatively, but if I'm away for travel I won't message them all week.

DFOD · 29/08/2022 09:32

What’s your relationship history?

Do you have a pattern of inauthentically compromising - adapting but then becoming resentful?

If so that’s a rubbish way to live - for all concerned.

twoqueens · 29/08/2022 09:34

I'm not sure it's just ADHD sound like he has OCD and or Autism.

Either way, if this is the best of him so early on then I can't imagine what it's going to be like a year or two or ten or twenty down the line. If you're looking for a happy life, I'm not sure he is going to help with that.

Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 09:34

It's like playing the slot machines. Intermittent reward systems are really powerful on humans.

If I didn't know he had ADHD then I'd think he was very manipulative.

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Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 11:05

twoqueens · 29/08/2022 09:34

I'm not sure it's just ADHD sound like he has OCD and or Autism.

Either way, if this is the best of him so early on then I can't imagine what it's going to be like a year or two or ten or twenty down the line. If you're looking for a happy life, I'm not sure he is going to help with that.

Thank you. It's a good point and food for thought.

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Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 11:07

DFOD · 29/08/2022 09:32

What’s your relationship history?

Do you have a pattern of inauthentically compromising - adapting but then becoming resentful?

If so that’s a rubbish way to live - for all concerned.

I don't think so. Long term relationship with DD's dad.

This person is like no one else I've met but it's early and perhaps I'm being blinded by the fun things he does without thinking about the practicalities and how he makes me feel. From what I'm reading on here it sounds like a relationship with him would be a rollercoaster of emotions.

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Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 11:09

SquirrelSoShiny · 29/08/2022 09:12

I do sometimes think that having some kind of neurodivergence in common can be helpful while also leading to conflict on occasion! Yes neurodivergence in a neurotypical world can be really exhausting. It's hard masking all day in work then coming home burnt out and feeling like your family get the scraps of energy left. The only solution is to accept your own limitations and have a partner who can deal with those limitations. Both parties need to have their needs met.

I actually think women are more prone to ADHD burnout because we are socialised to keep caregiving until we're empty. Men with ADHD seem to feel more at ease living like eternal teenagers. I have that same impulse to hyperfocus to manage stress I just don't allow myself to do it as much - when I do it's too easy for the pendulum to swing too far the other way and I disconnect from loved ones to focus on my special interests. It looks like I'm just opting out of life and sometimes I have.

How honest is your boyfriend able to be about himself OP? How self aware is he?

Thank you. Your posts have been really informative.

Your point about living like an eternal teenager is very apt.

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ArcticSkewer · 29/08/2022 11:09

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 09:34

It's like playing the slot machines. Intermittent reward systems are really powerful on humans.

If I didn't know he had ADHD then I'd think he was very manipulative.

I'm not saying (necessarily) that it's deliberate, just saying that's why you find it unexpectedly interesting and he is hard to step away from. You are a bit addicted to the surprise element of the pleasure hit.

Karwomannghia · 29/08/2022 11:09

A male friend of mine has it and since his divorce has had several relationships which have been very intense and he’s been madly in love and then he’s broken all of their hearts.

Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 11:11

@ArcticSkewer

I don't think he's malicious at all but I get what you mean. It's the impact on me, even if it's not due to deliberate acts from him.

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Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 11:14

My history is that I came out of a long term relationship with DD's dad at the age of 42, last year. Prior to that, 2 serious boyfriends in my 20s. A few flings thrown in when I was younger. Pretty standard I think.

His history is a lot more chequered. Lots of 1 year relationships that ended because he just didn't love them anymore.

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Musti · 29/08/2022 11:30

I have adhd and I think my boyfriend felt quite hurt as he was no longer my hyper focus. Then he started being grumpy and needy which put me off him but then he said that we should just be friends and boom, back to focusing on him again.

Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 11:39

Musti · 29/08/2022 11:30

I have adhd and I think my boyfriend felt quite hurt as he was no longer my hyper focus. Then he started being grumpy and needy which put me off him but then he said that we should just be friends and boom, back to focusing on him again.

This is it. I do feel quite hurt. In June and July he was constantly suggesting fun dates and weekends away. Then in August, nothing as it was suddenly all about his car.

Of course, he could have just gone off me. He could have met someone else.

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Original poster

ShelfyMcShelfface · 29/08/2022 11:56

I think, tbf, I feel a bit lonely too. So I'm grasping at straws. The ADHD is an additional element. If he hadn't mentioned that, I'd just chalk it up to experience and walk away assuming he'd gone off me / met someone else.

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SquirrelSoShiny · 29/08/2022 12:02

OP honestly in your shoes I would be walking away or backing way off. I don't get the impression he has the commitment to self awareness and growth that would be needed to have a successful long term relationship.

As things stand you're going to end up in a yoyo of anxious avoidant circling. One of you always chasing one always pulling back or hyperfocused elsewhere. You sound like you want a happy, long term relationship. Don't get hooked on the adrenaline rises and falls. I don't think it's healthy for you. His pattern is a year of interest at a max.

Some of us are hardwired to be vulnerable to this. You don't have to be. You deserve a relationship with someone who wants the same closeness and consistency as you do.

It is exhausting having ADHD. I can also see how exhausting it can be to be in a relationship with us at times. It's a painful clarity you develop over time with sustained effort. In my experience women are more open to that effort.