My partner of 4 years doesn’t love me anymore

[Lisaxxxxx]

Hi,

im so glad I’ve taken the courage to write here as I’m in such a lonely place with nobody to talk to. I feel like I’ve over talked and no one wants to listen but they don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve read a few post here and it’s so sad to see so many going through this. I’ve also tried to do so much work on myself but the loneliness gets too much.

very long post as trying to get everything on here.

My partner and I have been together almost 4 years and we have a 2 year old. Things happened so quickly and were amazing.

the issues started when Covid happened. I’d had a baby and went into post natal depression but my Covid anxiety was crazy. My partner was so amazing to me for so long but I had health anxieties thinking I was dying and summoned my partner from work and he had to take some days off and I knew this took a toll on him as he had such high work ethics. He is an engineer and works in a warehouse.

my mum used to say to me that I’d push him away but I was sooo sure I wouldn’t. I wasn’t washing, he had to be the main carer for my baby. I wasn’t really getting off the sofa so I understand why he went off me. I could sense he was distant with me and then I started being on a paranoid that he was talking to someone else and becoming close as like many say on here that’s usually a reason. But then I became this possessive person. And checked his phone. I had a good look through his phone and found nothing from other women. A few messages to and from his mum and sister about whether I was capable of looking after my baby. I was devastated but understood where it came from as I didn’t let them near our baby and they didn’t hold her until she was 1 because of my Covid anxiety.
even though I found nothing on his phone I still had this feeling he was talking to someone as how could be not be as he was so cold with me. He would go to the toilet 3 times a day with his phone but I would see he’d be active on Facebook. He is obsessed with watching videos. I’ve bright it up so many times now. Especially when he’s gone off to the toilet again id get mad worth him saying I bet he’d been speaking to another woman. Which he obviously denies. Or if he’d have to pop to the shop and take his phone as he never used to but he knows I had been through his phone and says i broke his trust. He does leave it sometimes or when I’ve kicked off that he’s taking his phone he’s threw it down and went to the shop with out it but then in a mood with me because I don’t trust him.

this has been a year later now since I knew he wasn’t in love with me. In that time we have had lovely times intimate but I’ve not been able to shake the feeling and questioning him about his phone.

he never goes anywhere other than work or now and again out with his friend. But it’s rare and I see his friend so I know it’s not made up who he’s with. I know emotional relationships are very bad so it does worry me.

we had a talk last week and I asked if he was in love with me and he said he wasn’t and surely after a year he thought it would come back. But it didn’t. It confuses me as it felt he was in love with me at times but he says with me not trusting him and questioning him he doesn’t like it and makes him sad.

he said if I was in love with you he’d be all over me and he’s not.

I am concentrating on me. Losing weight and getting me back and I feel great but then go back to feeling insecure when I think of him not being in love with me and the thought of him getting closer to another woman kills me but I have no proof of that. When we had it out he says he hates cheating. He’s always gave this impression but how would I really know? My brother had an affair for 2 years and his partner didn’t know or even family so he managed to help it a secret so long. So it does happen.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want my 2 year old without her dad. I have left 2 men in my past that I’ve had kids with and didn’t want to do it again. I’m 42 years old.

sorry for the long and probably confusing post but just trying to remember it all to paint a good picture

I think your mom is right, with everything you have mentioned, if it was a post he was making the advice would be to run for the hills.

You don't trust him because you know you haven't been a great partner, not because he has done anything. You have put barriers between your child and his family, he has take on everything which must be so stressful.

I think it's time to have a hard look at how you have been. If you feel that it's down to mental health, then go to the gp, source counselling and medication if needed. I think if you want your relationship to survive then you need to show actively you realise how challenging you have been and show you are actively trying to change this.

He seems like a really decent guy, I'm sure he wouldn't have stuck around for so long if he didn't care, you can fix this, but it comes from you.

OP you sound really depressed. Have you seen your GP about how you're feeling? Aside from the issues with your partner, I think you need to see someone for help.

Where are your other children?

OP
Sort yourself out. Don’t get into another relationship until you are healthy

@Littlepaws18 @Lisaxxxxx

Lisa - Littlepaws is right on the money here. It's in your hands

Sorry I should have been more clear. My issues regarding depression etc were over a year ago now. I’m not the same person anymore. I’m so much more myself and I don’t have the anxiety I had before. It was a terrible time but I got through it. I did have some counselling. I’m still working on myself but I worry the damage has been done. I’m not imagining how he is with his phone but I have been trying to ignore it. We have also had issues with his older daughter. That has put a massive strain on our relationship. I have made it easy for him being in this relationship. When he works over time one Saturday a month I am here to have his older daughter. And also every other Friday when he is on lates I have his daughter so she is here when he gets home. I am trying to make things better in this relationship but when he blows hot and cold without any reason from my part it’s hurts and I struggle to continue to be up beat.

Have you considered going to couples counseling?

My 23 year old loves away and my 10 year old lives with me but goes her dads 3 times a week.

He is not in to that at all. His daughter really needs to see someone but he don’t believe in speaking to someone and feels very strongly about it

You sound like a nightmare partner I’m afraid. Checking his phone and accusing him of cheating is emotional abuse. You absolutely will push him away and I’m surprised he hasn’t left already

You might not think you have depression, but if you are still anxious about constantly thinking he is seeing someone else, then maybe you do need some help. Most men I know take their phones with them in the toilet, as that’s where they spend a lot of time, in days gone men would take a book or newspaper. It’s good you are working on yourself, which I’m sure your DH is pleased with. Counselling isn’t for everyone, my own DH wouldn’t go. You sound like there’s a lot going on at the moment.

OP - I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time. I suffered PND in the form of very heightened anxiety and can just imagine being much the same if I’d had a baby during COVID. But that doesn’t make it okay and I agree the damage may have been done. If he’d posted about your controlling behaviour and exclusion of his family (which was seriously wrong), people would have told him to leave.

It’s great that you’re feeling a lot better now and are doing things to help him but it’s best if you let go of any expectations as to your relationship with him. If you’re doing these things to cement him back to you then it’s essentially self-serving. Do the right things now because they’re the right things to do - not because you have an agenda for your relationship. Otherwise, you’re really just continuing to put pressure on him and that’s wrong. Focus on getting well for yourself and for your children.

It’s that “if you love someone, set them free” thing. It is true.

right or wrong. I checked his phone once and that was because he stopped talking to him and I knew he spoke to his mum and sister and I needed to know what was the problem. That was over a year ago and before I got myself out of post natal depression. It was a horrible place to be. I do not check his phone so let’s be clear on that. I am not blind to how he is being with his phone. Keeping it hidden away until he’s managed to check it and then leaves it laying around. It’s been a pattern of it. But I do not check his phone. It doesn’t make me a nightmare partner because I notice these things.

You two can’t go on like this, you need to move forward, together or separately. If he does not love you ask him why is he still there? I can understand why he feels the way he feels but he does need to make a decision, actively try and salvage the relationship or agree to part ways. This limbo that everyone is being forced to live in is not fair and if he refuses to be proactive, then you need to be.

The bit about not speaking to a third party, even when his daughter could have benefited from it, makes him sound a bit of a stubborn dick.

I was giving a back story but think it’s came out all wrong. The issues I have that how can we build on a relationship when my gut is telling me there’s someone else? Maybe if we didn’t have a 2 year old I’d 100% leave but I’ve walked away twice in the past and don’t want to make the same mistake. I have had long relationships and I don’t move from one to the next

I'm sorry to have to say this but if a partner treated me the way you treated your husband I'd be off. You can only expect a person to put up with so much.

You keep saying over and over that you're not a nightmare partner and justifying your behaviour. I'm sorry to say, but you are in complete denial.

You call walking away from previous relationships mistakes. Why was it a mistake?

Going to be a hard task this. Are you quite a jealous person in general?

Bestcat mum, I agree and that’s why I accepted the poor behaviour for a year because I deserved it because of my postnatal depression I wasn’t myself but I sorted myself out and started being in the world again april 2021 and being a great partner and things have been great on and off since. We would be good and getting on and then he’d go to the toilet and come back in a different mood. I’d bring it up and it would cause an argument. So I stop saying anything now when he changes for no reason that I’ve caused.

OctopusBlue, explain why I’m a nightmare partner? I put my back story how I was like once in our lives together when I was going through post natal depression. A year ago! I’ve put up with so much shit and crap behavior because of guilt for the way I was. Way more than I gave. And like I keep saying it was a year ago! So I should put up with my partners off behavior because I went through post natal depression and wasn’t the best partner for a short period of time?

Malad, because I left my first child’s dad because I wasn’t in love with him but I’ve learnt that it happens in every relationship and you have to work on it but I was only 21 when I left him. The second relationship actually I should have left as in 11 years I was chipped away at and I think that’s where I started to loose myself as my ex had issues and I stopped loving my life to stop any issues at home

You say you've made it very easy for him to be in this relationship but I honestly don't think thats the case. Looking after his daughter doesn't make it easier for him to be in a relationship with you.

You're a nightmare partner because you're projecting onto him (like PP said) that you know you've not been the best partner for him, therefore that's how it's coming out.

I get it was a year ago, but you checked his phone and found nothing. If a guy made this post, it would be comments full of people telling him he's abusive.

You can't have done that much work on yourself if you're STILL convinced he has someone else, because if you'd done the work, you'd be so occupied in helping yourself you wouldn't have time to make up these scenarios. you've said yourself he goes nowhere - so when would he have time? You went on his phone and and found nothing. He leaves his phone around you - usually cheaters won't even have their phone facing upwards for you to see or even remotely in your grasp

Every man I know takes too long in the bathroom and takes their phone. I've literally been in the bathroom when my DH has done this and they just scroll or watch videos. You're wearing your partner down and I think that's why he's off with you.

Op, my ex was massively insecure and was convinced I was having affairs. Again like you, it was because I wasn’t affectionate with him. The reason why I wasn’t affectionate was because of his behaviour - the jealousy, the control, the not pulling his weight. So instead of looking at himself he convinced himself that I must be getting it somewhere else.

We could have had a brilliant relationship but his mistrust ruined it. We were attracted, we have great kids, lived in a nice house, great jobs, friends. But his issues affected how I felt about him. If there is no trust there is no relationship.

I am now in a great relationship and I trust him 100% and he trusts me. I never have to explain or prove my innocence to him. I can see and do whatever I want and vice versa because we are in a relationship where there is trust and respect.

This.

Why would your kid ‘be without her father’ if you and the boyfriend broke up? Would he not equally parent?

The relationship is over, anyway, he doesn’t love you, so focus on lone parenting and housing yourself if needed.