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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner of 4 years doesn’t love me anymore

89 replies

Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 09:35

Hi,

im so glad I’ve taken the courage to write here as I’m in such a lonely place with nobody to talk to. I feel like I’ve over talked and no one wants to listen but they don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve read a few post here and it’s so sad to see so many going through this. I’ve also tried to do so much work on myself but the loneliness gets too much.

very long post as trying to get everything on here.

My partner and I have been together almost 4 years and we have a 2 year old. Things happened so quickly and were amazing.

the issues started when Covid happened. I’d had a baby and went into post natal depression but my Covid anxiety was crazy. My partner was so amazing to me for so long but I had health anxieties thinking I was dying and summoned my partner from work and he had to take some days off and I knew this took a toll on him as he had such high work ethics. He is an engineer and works in a warehouse.

my mum used to say to me that I’d push him away but I was sooo sure I wouldn’t. I wasn’t washing, he had to be the main carer for my baby. I wasn’t really getting off the sofa so I understand why he went off me. I could sense he was distant with me and then I started being on a paranoid that he was talking to someone else and becoming close as like many say on here that’s usually a reason. But then I became this possessive person. And checked his phone. I had a good look through his phone and found nothing from other women. A few messages to and from his mum and sister about whether I was capable of looking after my baby. I was devastated but understood where it came from as I didn’t let them near our baby and they didn’t hold her until she was 1 because of my Covid anxiety.
even though I found nothing on his phone I still had this feeling he was talking to someone as how could be not be as he was so cold with me. He would go to the toilet 3 times a day with his phone but I would see he’d be active on Facebook. He is obsessed with watching videos. I’ve bright it up so many times now. Especially when he’s gone off to the toilet again id get mad worth him saying I bet he’d been speaking to another woman. Which he obviously denies. Or if he’d have to pop to the shop and take his phone as he never used to but he knows I had been through his phone and says i broke his trust. He does leave it sometimes or when I’ve kicked off that he’s taking his phone he’s threw it down and went to the shop with out it but then in a mood with me because I don’t trust him.

this has been a year later now since I knew he wasn’t in love with me. In that time we have had lovely times intimate but I’ve not been able to shake the feeling and questioning him about his phone.

he never goes anywhere other than work or now and again out with his friend. But it’s rare and I see his friend so I know it’s not made up who he’s with. I know emotional relationships are very bad so it does worry me.

we had a talk last week and I asked if he was in love with me and he said he wasn’t and surely after a year he thought it would come back. But it didn’t. It confuses me as it felt he was in love with me at times but he says with me not trusting him and questioning him he doesn’t like it and makes him sad.

he said if I was in love with you he’d be all over me and he’s not.

I am concentrating on me. Losing weight and getting me back and I feel great but then go back to feeling insecure when I think of him not being in love with me and the thought of him getting closer to another woman kills me but I have no proof of that. When we had it out he says he hates cheating. He’s always gave this impression but how would I really know? My brother had an affair for 2 years and his partner didn’t know or even family so he managed to help it a secret so long. So it does happen.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want my 2 year old without her dad. I have left 2 men in my past that I’ve had kids with and didn’t want to do it again. I’m 42 years old.

sorry for the long and probably confusing post but just trying to remember it all to paint a good picture

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:20

PleaseGoDontGoAgain He said he loves me but not in love with me.
I came on this for support in what to do next including his odd behavior at times. People can judge all they want but it isn’t nice to be in this relationship sometimes as he knows he is being cold to me. But when it suits him he’s coming to me. I’ve said I don’t deal well with up and down behavior. If he don’t want to be with me fine I’m a big girl and more than capable being on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:22

NewerCurtains You’re probably right. I’ve not been like this the whole time. I put his phone to the back of my mind and get on with it and I trust him but when he starts being cold with me again it puts me back in the wondering about his phone again.

OP posts:
missymarrk · 28/08/2022 15:23

I really hope your partner moves on and finds happiness. You though. I suspect you'll continue to make his life hell whether he's with you or not.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 28/08/2022 15:26

Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:20

PleaseGoDontGoAgain He said he loves me but not in love with me.
I came on this for support in what to do next including his odd behavior at times. People can judge all they want but it isn’t nice to be in this relationship sometimes as he knows he is being cold to me. But when it suits him he’s coming to me. I’ve said I don’t deal well with up and down behavior. If he don’t want to be with me fine I’m a big girl and more than capable being on my own.

So be on your own then, you're not happy in this relationship. It's not supposed to be this hard, for either of you.

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:26

shazzybazzy34 I don’t bring this up with my partner so I’m certainly not making his life hell. He goes cold on me for no reason at all. Like I said now and again I’ve brought the phone up but it’s rare I do. I put up with it despite feeling the way I do. You are so cruel!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:28

PleaseGoDontGoAgain I’m putting my daughter first so she can live with her mum and dad and have us both. She’s not in a toxic environment. I’m just obviously in a love less relationship yet when it suits my partner he acts like he loves me

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:30

missymarrk How am I making his life hell exactly? I don’t voice my suspicions anymore so he’s getting on with life as he wants to. Being happy to be with me but joy in love so he has his daughter. I’ve said maybe we should split up but he says he loves me and would miss me. And don’t want me to be with anyone else

OP posts:
missymarrk · 28/08/2022 15:32

Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:30

missymarrk How am I making his life hell exactly? I don’t voice my suspicions anymore so he’s getting on with life as he wants to. Being happy to be with me but joy in love so he has his daughter. I’ve said maybe we should split up but he says he loves me and would miss me. And don’t want me to be with anyone else

Because you're abusing him.

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:35

@missymarrk how am I abusing him?

OP posts:
missymarrk · 28/08/2022 15:42

Love, I don't have time to sit and fucking educate some banger online on what constitutes as abusive behaviour towards a partner.

Hope you all find happiness.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 28/08/2022 15:46

I'll probably get glammed for this and know I'm incredibly lucky that I've never suffered from mental health issues but what a lot of people don't realise is that it's also incredibly difficult to be a partner to someone who is suffering.

You get pushed away
You usually aren't listened to
You support or efforts to help are often dismissed
The person suffering usually is dealing with so much that there's no time for you.
You are rejected and often isolated as you don't want to discuss it elsewhere out of respect for your partner
It's also draining
It usually consumes the person suffering where very little else matters.
It brings to impact your mental health also

Then somehow the person suffering begins to feel better and wants to go back to happy families. There is usually zero consideration for how it impacted you because they suffered more.

It's horrible and heart breaking but requires two people really on the same page to get back on track. Would you consider couples counselling?

Also if someone accussed me of cheating where I wasn't, I would walk. They trust me or they don't and if trust is gone, there's nothing. You don't project your insecurities into him.

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:47

@missymarrk that’s funny because you seem to like to give your opinion. Which is fair enough but we all can throw nasty words but if you’re going to make such nasty statements, back them up keyboard worrier.

in A year I’ve brought up my partners phone behavior about 3 times. I give him no shit at all so abusive is a bit fall fetched. Enjoy your day. You’re probably making yourself free so you can rubbish someone else. Well done!

OP posts:
shazzybazzy34 · 28/08/2022 15:48

ThirtyThreeTrees · 28/08/2022 15:46

I'll probably get glammed for this and know I'm incredibly lucky that I've never suffered from mental health issues but what a lot of people don't realise is that it's also incredibly difficult to be a partner to someone who is suffering.

You get pushed away
You usually aren't listened to
You support or efforts to help are often dismissed
The person suffering usually is dealing with so much that there's no time for you.
You are rejected and often isolated as you don't want to discuss it elsewhere out of respect for your partner
It's also draining
It usually consumes the person suffering where very little else matters.
It brings to impact your mental health also

Then somehow the person suffering begins to feel better and wants to go back to happy families. There is usually zero consideration for how it impacted you because they suffered more.

It's horrible and heart breaking but requires two people really on the same page to get back on track. Would you consider couples counselling?

Also if someone accussed me of cheating where I wasn't, I would walk. They trust me or they don't and if trust is gone, there's nothing. You don't project your insecurities into him.

This!

missymarrk · 28/08/2022 15:49

Okay. Everyone else is the problem. I strongly recommend therapy.

HippyLife · 28/08/2022 15:50

Oh wow, I have read the thread in it's entirety 🙈

Look, OP, I'm not sure if you are even aware that your line of thinking is abnormal. All of these people are telling you that it's not, you really need to listen to them.

We accept that you suffered with PND and that you were unable to look after your child (your own confession), we accept that you went through a rough time and wasn't your best self but what we don't accept is you saying that you're fine and dandy now, but still behaving completely manic.

For goodness sakes even I take my phone to the loo 😂 you're obsession with this non existent other woman is rather worrying considering the fact that there is no evidence that she exists. This man has an incredibly easy way out and yet he hasn't taken it? That should be all the answer you need.

You're delusional and paranoid, honestly I find your behaviour toxic. If my partner went off like you then he would be gone, now don't think for a second I mean about your PND, I mean about your behaviour at present, the now.

This complex you have about being the holy grail because you help out with his daughter is alarming, yes of course it helps him out, that's what a partnership is! It doesn't mean he has to worship at your feet, love. I'm sure he is gratuitous and that's all it needs to be.

Perhaps he's taking his phone to the toilet to Google how to deal with a paranoid, delusional wife. Maybe he has someone that he confides in because I sure as shit would need someone.

You have dreamt up this entire delusion, the only one who believes it is you.

So you're working on yourself, losing weight etc, you need to first look at your mindset and how you can change that before any other aspect of yourself.

You have given us the information, we don't know you or your partner, we have each had an unbiased opinion based off the information that you have given. You.

Honestly the fact that you think having post natal depression gives you some kind of right to behave like this, gosh lots of us had it! We still got up every morning and did what we had to do. Some of us suffer with other mental health problems but we don't justify our behaviour with that either.

I really feel sorry for you. But you can change this toxic behaviour, if not for yourself or your other half, then for the child who is going to grow up watching you and learning from you and witnessing your paranoid ideations.

Contrary to how some folks believe, you are in control of your own behaviour.

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:51

@ThirtyThreeTrees I do agree with you and my partner used to say that to me that nor I am back I can’t expect him to be the same which I completely understand and I worked even harder and we got past that. Things were good again and then all of a sudden back to being cold and aloof and odd with his phone. But I get where you are coming from and surely I can’t be punished forever?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:52

@missymarrk not everyone. Just the ones making nasty comments for no real reason because clearly they have their own issues

OP posts:
PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 28/08/2022 16:01

Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:51

@ThirtyThreeTrees I do agree with you and my partner used to say that to me that nor I am back I can’t expect him to be the same which I completely understand and I worked even harder and we got past that. Things were good again and then all of a sudden back to being cold and aloof and odd with his phone. But I get where you are coming from and surely I can’t be punished forever?

YOU ARE NOT BEING PUNISHED FOR HAVING PND. That's a batshit accusation

It's a long term relationship and you have a child, it isn't going to be hearts and roses anymore as it sounds like you're both exhausted and fed up with each other.

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 16:04

@PleaseGoDontGoAgain thats exactly what it feels like. Far from expecting hearts and roses all the time but I certainly don’t expect the cold shoulder every other day

OP posts:
BabyDreamers · 28/08/2022 16:07

You need to separate your partner doesn't deserve to be emotionally abused everyday.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 28/08/2022 16:07

You accepted he isn't 'in love' with you, this is what a relationship with a man who isn't in love with you looks like.

He has TOLD you he is not in love with you and you decided to stay and tolerate a relationship where he is not in love with you but cares about you a bit.
Of course it's shit.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 28/08/2022 16:10

@Lisaxxxxx

That's the thing. You aren't being punished but you have to realise it's not just about you. It's about you both equally.

Things fundamentally changed. It's a different relationship to what you/he had or thought you/hewould have. It's unlikely to go to back to what it was. If it ever does, it requires a lot of work on both sides.

I'm not saying it fair. Mental health isn't fair or equal or easy. You had to do what you need for your recovery and that involved focusing on you. I get it, it was essential and fair play to you for battling it & coming out the other side. It's bloody brilliant and I've no doubt he is thrilled for you and proud of you. But he went through it too, differently and nowhere near as severe but he lived it. He had to keep going, he worried, he was pushed away, he had to do more. It will have had an impact.

Discuss it, be open about it, tell him you know it impacted him too but also realise it may be too late. Do anything other than accusing him without proof. You may even be right but don't accuse him as it will be so damaging if you're wrong.

Suggest couples counselling. I think you both need it.

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 16:30

@BabyDreamers i don’t confront my partner with this so he must be psychic

OP posts:
Cj19877 · 28/08/2022 16:32

HippyLife · 28/08/2022 15:50

Oh wow, I have read the thread in it's entirety 🙈

Look, OP, I'm not sure if you are even aware that your line of thinking is abnormal. All of these people are telling you that it's not, you really need to listen to them.

We accept that you suffered with PND and that you were unable to look after your child (your own confession), we accept that you went through a rough time and wasn't your best self but what we don't accept is you saying that you're fine and dandy now, but still behaving completely manic.

For goodness sakes even I take my phone to the loo 😂 you're obsession with this non existent other woman is rather worrying considering the fact that there is no evidence that she exists. This man has an incredibly easy way out and yet he hasn't taken it? That should be all the answer you need.

You're delusional and paranoid, honestly I find your behaviour toxic. If my partner went off like you then he would be gone, now don't think for a second I mean about your PND, I mean about your behaviour at present, the now.

This complex you have about being the holy grail because you help out with his daughter is alarming, yes of course it helps him out, that's what a partnership is! It doesn't mean he has to worship at your feet, love. I'm sure he is gratuitous and that's all it needs to be.

Perhaps he's taking his phone to the toilet to Google how to deal with a paranoid, delusional wife. Maybe he has someone that he confides in because I sure as shit would need someone.

You have dreamt up this entire delusion, the only one who believes it is you.

So you're working on yourself, losing weight etc, you need to first look at your mindset and how you can change that before any other aspect of yourself.

You have given us the information, we don't know you or your partner, we have each had an unbiased opinion based off the information that you have given. You.

Honestly the fact that you think having post natal depression gives you some kind of right to behave like this, gosh lots of us had it! We still got up every morning and did what we had to do. Some of us suffer with other mental health problems but we don't justify our behaviour with that either.

I really feel sorry for you. But you can change this toxic behaviour, if not for yourself or your other half, then for the child who is going to grow up watching you and learning from you and witnessing your paranoid ideations.

Contrary to how some folks believe, you are in control of your own behaviour.

Yes! Every word of this!!

spareroomtears · 28/08/2022 16:39

You keep saying your behaviour was bad a year ago but the way you’re acting now seems just as bad? You’ve said you’re a great partner now but you’re STILL talking about him as though he’s cheating on you? Saying you don’t deserve him talking to another woman when you say there’s nothing on his phone and he sees no one else besides you and his friend.

for yours and your daughters sake continue getting help for your depression and anxiety - it’s not all gone away as much as you think you’re working on yourself - majority of us have to keep working on ourselves for a long time.