My partner of 4 years doesn’t love me anymore

[Lisaxxxxx]

Hi,

im so glad I’ve taken the courage to write here as I’m in such a lonely place with nobody to talk to. I feel like I’ve over talked and no one wants to listen but they don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve read a few post here and it’s so sad to see so many going through this. I’ve also tried to do so much work on myself but the loneliness gets too much.

very long post as trying to get everything on here.

My partner and I have been together almost 4 years and we have a 2 year old. Things happened so quickly and were amazing.

the issues started when Covid happened. I’d had a baby and went into post natal depression but my Covid anxiety was crazy. My partner was so amazing to me for so long but I had health anxieties thinking I was dying and summoned my partner from work and he had to take some days off and I knew this took a toll on him as he had such high work ethics. He is an engineer and works in a warehouse.

my mum used to say to me that I’d push him away but I was sooo sure I wouldn’t. I wasn’t washing, he had to be the main carer for my baby. I wasn’t really getting off the sofa so I understand why he went off me. I could sense he was distant with me and then I started being on a paranoid that he was talking to someone else and becoming close as like many say on here that’s usually a reason. But then I became this possessive person. And checked his phone. I had a good look through his phone and found nothing from other women. A few messages to and from his mum and sister about whether I was capable of looking after my baby. I was devastated but understood where it came from as I didn’t let them near our baby and they didn’t hold her until she was 1 because of my Covid anxiety.
even though I found nothing on his phone I still had this feeling he was talking to someone as how could be not be as he was so cold with me. He would go to the toilet 3 times a day with his phone but I would see he’d be active on Facebook. He is obsessed with watching videos. I’ve bright it up so many times now. Especially when he’s gone off to the toilet again id get mad worth him saying I bet he’d been speaking to another woman. Which he obviously denies. Or if he’d have to pop to the shop and take his phone as he never used to but he knows I had been through his phone and says i broke his trust. He does leave it sometimes or when I’ve kicked off that he’s taking his phone he’s threw it down and went to the shop with out it but then in a mood with me because I don’t trust him.

this has been a year later now since I knew he wasn’t in love with me. In that time we have had lovely times intimate but I’ve not been able to shake the feeling and questioning him about his phone.

he never goes anywhere other than work or now and again out with his friend. But it’s rare and I see his friend so I know it’s not made up who he’s with. I know emotional relationships are very bad so it does worry me.

we had a talk last week and I asked if he was in love with me and he said he wasn’t and surely after a year he thought it would come back. But it didn’t. It confuses me as it felt he was in love with me at times but he says with me not trusting him and questioning him he doesn’t like it and makes him sad.

he said if I was in love with you he’d be all over me and he’s not.

I am concentrating on me. Losing weight and getting me back and I feel great but then go back to feeling insecure when I think of him not being in love with me and the thought of him getting closer to another woman kills me but I have no proof of that. When we had it out he says he hates cheating. He’s always gave this impression but how would I really know? My brother had an affair for 2 years and his partner didn’t know or even family so he managed to help it a secret so long. So it does happen.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want my 2 year old without her dad. I have left 2 men in my past that I’ve had kids with and didn’t want to do it again. I’m 42 years old.

sorry for the long and probably confusing post but just trying to remember it all to paint a good picture

Jesus, it’s like talking to a brick wall. The relationship is over. Instead of typing essays online and gobbing off at internet strangers, focus on lone parenting, and housing yourself. That’s all.

See there you go again.. telling me that I clearly have my own issues because I informed you that you're abusive towards your partner.

Thing is though, you don't ruffle my feathers. Your words are just words written on a screen.

You're not normal. Your behaviour isn't normal nor acceptable. Look deeper within and try sort your issues out or this will happen time and time again with partners. He sounds like a good man and you've monumentally fucked it.

You have two options: stay or leave.

If you stay, you need to accept the reality of him not being in love with you anymore. If you want to save the relationship, you need to fix your trust issues and stop policing him and his phone. There is no way you can live your life like this, in constant alert and distress.
I don't think he is punishing you, I think he has his own issues following what you have been through.

Just let him go.
He doesn’t love you.
You need counselling and to work on yourself.
He doesn’t owe you his life/time/love.

@missymarrk You’re just awful. I’m so glad I have no friends like you. And I hope if you ever go through what I have you have support. Why I’ve wasted my time commenting on you is beyond me. I won’t be from now on that’s for sure.

@economicervix thank you for your lovely message. I hope you feel better for it

Wow I am absolutely disgusted in a lot of your responses. Vial woman.

not once did I slag my partner off. Far from it. I wasn’t coming on her to bitch about him and I never did. Yes I said his behavior with his phone makes me think he’s messaging someone else because of how he is to me.

I hadn’t abused him with this I kept it to myself for months but have mentioned it at times but I don’t go on at him. I speak to him in an adult manner and he says he isn’t and I believe him. But when he acts distant and cold towards me yes my kind does wonder again but I don’t bloody bring it up so don’t worry about my partner he’s not being bloody abused!

most of you are bullies on here so I will never ever use this platform again.

I appreciate those of you that weren’t nasty and although things hurt like I have to get used to it that he don’t love me etc hurts but I agree and thank you for making me see sense without being god damn nasty.

really I’m gob smacked woman can be so cruel.

my partner and I want different things in life he says. He would be happy to stay in a relationship with me as he is content and don’t need to be in love. But thanks again to those who gave constructive criticism and advice. I can take it but just not the disgusting nasty comments. Honestly! I won’t be writing on here again.

OP you seem to think because you haven't said anything to him lately about your suspicions, then he is unaware and so his behaviour is due to something outside your marriage. Like another woman. I am telling you that the way you have described how he is with his phone, his toilet trips, his pocketing his phone or putting it on the table, his trips to the shops and what he goes either the phone...it will be TOTALLY OBVIOUS to him that you are having a problem. He doesn't need to be psychic. Only a very peculiar person would be unaware of your constant observation and conclusion drawing. We don't only communicate with words. You will be communicating very loudly with your body language, expressions, everything. You need to get a grip, see a therapist and unravel this paranoia. Is he having an affair? Who knows but you are deluded if you think he is unaware of your frequent internal questioning and observation.

You don't trust him. It won't work. He sounds like a nice person not a cheater.

Missymarrk - I actually think you are very nasty and patronising. There is a way of saying what you want to say which doesn't involve being cruel and making personal remarks.

Telling stranger on support forum that they are abusive and not normal based on very little information is a step too far and nobody on receiving end would be receptive to what you have to say - nobody.

Everyone makes mistakes or behaves in shitty ways sometimes. OP said she mentioned about the phone maybe 3 times during a whole year. And while it could have been 3 times too many, you don't have enough info to state she is a crazy ABUSER. That's a very serious accusation that says way more about you then the person you are judging.

OP I think the relationship is dying and you have two choices - mend it, preferably with help of therapist or end it.

Your behaviour and some thought processes don't sound great but people do not behave normally when under not normal circumstances - first depression and covid, now loveless relationship. It is really hard to say how much of it is just your issues and how much is situation you are in. Maybe that's something that could be explored in counseling?

Either way you need to take responsibility.
First for your feelings and behavior - you have no proof that he is cheating. I know you are worried that he is but they are your feelings and you need to own them. It's something that you feel not something that he does, can you see the difference? You can talk about your worries but you should not be accusing him.

Then you need to take responsibility for your life. This relationship won't fix itself. You need to take action and that is only possible if you both are on the same page. You cannot continue like this anymore. At some point one of you might snap, leave, find someone else etc or in "best case scenario" you'll just continue being miserable together. Talk to your partner and decide what steps you need to take.

He would be happy to stay in a relationship with me as he is content and don’t need to be in love

Do you have the confidence for a relationship with a man who isn't in love with you? If you have concerns that he's looking elsewhere then this sounds like a recipe for you being utterly miserable.
It also leaves him open to falling in love with someone else.

This sounds like a catastrophic heartbreak waiting to happen

I used to be the same. My H was miserable. I almost lost him. We separated for awhile.I learned I had a insecure attachment to him. I had to really work on myself to gain his trust and respect back. We are back together. You can't pass the buck on your treatment of him. What you can do is get treatment yourself. I am not putting you down in anyway. I feel he is already gone in his head and heart and he is putting up a pretense but it's exhausting and when he is cold to you , you are seeing the real him. He definitely knows that you don't trust him. It's a vibe and you are projecting it 24/7. The great thing is after you get help you will realize that you learned a precious lesson and will never bring this into this one or any future relationships. I really wish you all the best . It's so freeing when you aren't living a life of mistrust but a life of trust and happiness.

If you are as argumentative and defensive with your partner as you are on here OP I feel for the man.
He will never be in the right in your mind.

Accept its over and learn how to be a reasonable partner. Sorry but you put him through too much and he just can't come back from that. No ones fault, but accept it.