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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner of 4 years doesn’t love me anymore

89 replies

Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 09:35

Hi,

im so glad I’ve taken the courage to write here as I’m in such a lonely place with nobody to talk to. I feel like I’ve over talked and no one wants to listen but they don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve read a few post here and it’s so sad to see so many going through this. I’ve also tried to do so much work on myself but the loneliness gets too much.

very long post as trying to get everything on here.

My partner and I have been together almost 4 years and we have a 2 year old. Things happened so quickly and were amazing.

the issues started when Covid happened. I’d had a baby and went into post natal depression but my Covid anxiety was crazy. My partner was so amazing to me for so long but I had health anxieties thinking I was dying and summoned my partner from work and he had to take some days off and I knew this took a toll on him as he had such high work ethics. He is an engineer and works in a warehouse.

my mum used to say to me that I’d push him away but I was sooo sure I wouldn’t. I wasn’t washing, he had to be the main carer for my baby. I wasn’t really getting off the sofa so I understand why he went off me. I could sense he was distant with me and then I started being on a paranoid that he was talking to someone else and becoming close as like many say on here that’s usually a reason. But then I became this possessive person. And checked his phone. I had a good look through his phone and found nothing from other women. A few messages to and from his mum and sister about whether I was capable of looking after my baby. I was devastated but understood where it came from as I didn’t let them near our baby and they didn’t hold her until she was 1 because of my Covid anxiety.
even though I found nothing on his phone I still had this feeling he was talking to someone as how could be not be as he was so cold with me. He would go to the toilet 3 times a day with his phone but I would see he’d be active on Facebook. He is obsessed with watching videos. I’ve bright it up so many times now. Especially when he’s gone off to the toilet again id get mad worth him saying I bet he’d been speaking to another woman. Which he obviously denies. Or if he’d have to pop to the shop and take his phone as he never used to but he knows I had been through his phone and says i broke his trust. He does leave it sometimes or when I’ve kicked off that he’s taking his phone he’s threw it down and went to the shop with out it but then in a mood with me because I don’t trust him.

this has been a year later now since I knew he wasn’t in love with me. In that time we have had lovely times intimate but I’ve not been able to shake the feeling and questioning him about his phone.

he never goes anywhere other than work or now and again out with his friend. But it’s rare and I see his friend so I know it’s not made up who he’s with. I know emotional relationships are very bad so it does worry me.

we had a talk last week and I asked if he was in love with me and he said he wasn’t and surely after a year he thought it would come back. But it didn’t. It confuses me as it felt he was in love with me at times but he says with me not trusting him and questioning him he doesn’t like it and makes him sad.

he said if I was in love with you he’d be all over me and he’s not.

I am concentrating on me. Losing weight and getting me back and I feel great but then go back to feeling insecure when I think of him not being in love with me and the thought of him getting closer to another woman kills me but I have no proof of that. When we had it out he says he hates cheating. He’s always gave this impression but how would I really know? My brother had an affair for 2 years and his partner didn’t know or even family so he managed to help it a secret so long. So it does happen.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want my 2 year old without her dad. I have left 2 men in my past that I’ve had kids with and didn’t want to do it again. I’m 42 years old.

sorry for the long and probably confusing post but just trying to remember it all to paint a good picture

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 28/08/2022 13:23

Like others have said you are projecting your guilt onto him because it suits you to think like this.
You have to own what you did and not blame him for it.

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 13:34

Shgytfgtf111 If I didn’t pick his daughter up every other Friday she’d have to stay at home until he collected her on the Saturday. If I didn’t have her once a month on a Saturday she have to go home. Like the way it was before we lived together. He even said it’s easier for him. Also with our 2 year old. If we weren’t together he would have no choice But to pull his weigh with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 13:39

So let me get the gist of what you are saying.
I suffered with post natal depression over a year ago (thankfully over that) but because I made his life hell for a few months I’ve got to pay for it by him potentially having a secret relationship with someone else?

are people actually reading the posts I put? I put a bit of a back story where it stemmed from which I completely get but we having been on that hole of my depression for well over a year.
i have said he is set free and I will make it as comfortable as possible with our child. He chooses to stay in this relationship but I don’t deserve him to be having a relationship with someone else. No I don’t have proof but his actions at times are shady. Me having post natal depression over a year ago shouldn’t come into play now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 13:55

OctopusBlue I totally agree. I know he watches videos but his behavior is odd. The past 2 days he’s had his phone pretty much in his pocket yet he usually has it carefree laying around. But when he’s popped off to the toilet and came back, he’ll leave it laying around on the side. I can’t get across how he is acting but believe me it’s odd. Like he puts it on the side for my benefit after he’s came back from the toilet.

and a more recent time is now. Been in his pocket all morning. And now he’s back from the shop he’s put it on the side. Why now? But I guess if I’ve decided to stay with him I’ve got to put up with it. There may be a chance he’s not messaging someone else but also based on how he acts he could well be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 13:56

blockpavingismynightmare Guilt for what exactly? Apart from the odd time I bring up his odd behavior with his phone I’m a good partner.

OP posts:
economicervix · 28/08/2022 13:59

we had a talk last week and I asked if he was in love with me and he said he wasn’t

Thats all the thread needs to say.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 28/08/2022 14:00

I’ve bright it up so many times now. Especially when he’s gone off to the toilet again id get mad worth him saying I bet he’d been speaking to another woman. Which he obviously denies.

What more do you want? He says he isn't messaging other women. He is allowed to take his phone places with him. He isn't doing anything wrong by taking his phone to the toilet.

blockpavingismynightmare · 28/08/2022 14:04

@Lisaxxxxx · Today 13:56

blockpavingismynightmare 'Guilt for what exactly? Apart from the odd time I bring up his odd behavior with his phone I’m a good partner.'

No you are not because you are in denial and projecting your behaviour onto him as if he is doing something wrong to make you feel better about the way you behaved.
Own what you did and move on. I'm surprised he's still with you if this is what you are like arguing the toss with everyone

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/08/2022 14:12

economicervix · 28/08/2022 13:59

we had a talk last week and I asked if he was in love with me and he said he wasn’t

Thats all the thread needs to say.

This. Sorry op, but it’s over. He hasn’t had the guts to do anything about it yet. And if you and he are very enmeshed with your various children, maybe it’s been easier for him to stay so that continues. But he doesn’t love you any more. He couldn’t be any clearer - it’s over.

gamerchick · 28/08/2022 14:14

You need to let him go OP. He's had enough. He needs to find someone who can treat him the way he deserves and you need to stay on your own for a bit to sort your head out.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 28/08/2022 14:18

He chooses to stay in this relationship but I don’t deserve him to be having a relationship with someone else. No I don’t have proof but his actions at times are shady

What if? he is NOT having a secret relationship? How would you feel if you were repeatedly being accused by your partner?

Littlepaws18 · 28/08/2022 14:26

OctopusBlue · 28/08/2022 11:52

You keep saying over and over that you're not a nightmare partner and justifying your behaviour. I'm sorry to say, but you are in complete denial.

Exactly this. You are defensive rather than admitting your behaviour hasn't been great and working on improving. I think due to this attitude you both should split before it gets even more toxic.

shazzybazzy34 · 28/08/2022 14:37

My heart goes out to your partner because it sounds like hell on earth. How is still there is beyond me. You honestly need more help than you have gotten.

Musti · 28/08/2022 14:47

Still coming up with excuses and justifying your shitty behaviour. Like my ex thought because he paid the bills he could do whatever he wanted. And he thought that me not being affectionate was because I was having an affair instead of not wanting to give him affection for his mistrust and basically living like a single man just because I was a sahm. And then when my 4th child started school , I did go back to work and he became very paranoid.

if you have any hope whatsoever of getting him back (which I think there isn’t much chance) . You have to apologise, really apologise for your behaviour and promise that you will trust him. And don’t behave like he owes you because you look after the kids.

a relationship is built on trust and it isn’t transactional

NewerCurtains · 28/08/2022 14:51

OP
It sounds as though you've become fixated on his phone. You're obsessing about where it is, what he's doing with it and yet the one time you checked it, there was nothing to see. It feels to me like you've created this scenario in your head, that he's cheating and he's messaging someone else, but there's zero evidence for that, other than your observation about how he's using your phone. You're stuck in an anxiety loop.

I would really encourage you to get more counselling.

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 14:51

Littlepaws18, I have already said I admitted my behavior and understand why he was the way he was. But I don’t expect the treatment he is given me now when I’ve tried to be a great partner to him. I worked on improving and overcome so much despite having the cold shoulder from my partner.

OP posts:
PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 28/08/2022 15:04

What 'treatment' do you feel he should not be giving you?
It's your own feelings making you feel shit and it was your feelings making him feel shit too.
Good partners don't need constant reassurances, they don't create stories where there is no story and then blame their partner for the story they created. You don't sound like you're living in reality at all.

It's over and the theatrical statements about your daughter not having her dad because he doesn't love you anymore are manipulative as fuck. HE decides if he is in his daughters life, he doesn't have to tolerate a relationship with you to be a dad.

You need help to see this as it is. He doesn't OWE you a relationship.

tickticksnooze · 28/08/2022 15:05

So let me get the gist of what you are saying.
I suffered with post natal depression over a year ago (thankfully over that) but because I made his life hell for a few months I’ve got to pay for it by him potentially having a secret relationship with someone else?

No, people are saying there is no secret relationship and your obsessive paranoid behaviour is destroying / has destroyed your actual relationship.

Obsessively monitoring his every move and analysing it every minute of the day is not normal and will be stressful for him to live with.

shazzybazzy34 · 28/08/2022 15:10

Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 14:51

Littlepaws18, I have already said I admitted my behavior and understand why he was the way he was. But I don’t expect the treatment he is given me now when I’ve tried to be a great partner to him. I worked on improving and overcome so much despite having the cold shoulder from my partner.

WHAT treatment?? Going on his phone? Sorry but you are a mad scone. You are making that man's life hell and blaming it all on him. Bizarre behaviour from you. He should run for the hill sand then when he gets there run some more.

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:11

Musti, honestly you should hear yourself. I do quiz or question my partner or check up in him. He’s free to go where he wants and do what he wants. Yes now and again I bring up about his phone but you are creating something that is not actually there with us. You’re assuming I’m how your partner was with you and I can bet you it’s very far from the truth. I came on here for support, yet I got shitty behavior from others trying to tell me to accept it’s me that’s the issue when I only brought up how I was so I didn’t create this bad picture of my partner. That was me in the past more than a year ago now. Once in my past. It wasn’t the normal me. It was me going through post natal depression and Covid anxiety. Whether that was bad on my partner which I know it once. Not one tiny bit of concern for what I actually went through. I couldn’t look after my new born baby!! But now I do 99% of it all but that’s ok. I am a mother and I love my kids so much.
Put the way my partner with his phone aside he gives me the cold shoulder out of nowhere. Like I said many times he is absolutely ok then goes off on his phone and his old changed. And I can assure you it certainly was t from my behavior. And as for a toxic environment you’re just assuming again as I let it go sooo many times when my partner is in a mood.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:13

shazzybazzy34 Ignoring me for no reason at all. Blanking me like I don’t exist.

OP posts:
Musti · 28/08/2022 15:16

Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:11

Musti, honestly you should hear yourself. I do quiz or question my partner or check up in him. He’s free to go where he wants and do what he wants. Yes now and again I bring up about his phone but you are creating something that is not actually there with us. You’re assuming I’m how your partner was with you and I can bet you it’s very far from the truth. I came on here for support, yet I got shitty behavior from others trying to tell me to accept it’s me that’s the issue when I only brought up how I was so I didn’t create this bad picture of my partner. That was me in the past more than a year ago now. Once in my past. It wasn’t the normal me. It was me going through post natal depression and Covid anxiety. Whether that was bad on my partner which I know it once. Not one tiny bit of concern for what I actually went through. I couldn’t look after my new born baby!! But now I do 99% of it all but that’s ok. I am a mother and I love my kids so much.
Put the way my partner with his phone aside he gives me the cold shoulder out of nowhere. Like I said many times he is absolutely ok then goes off on his phone and his old changed. And I can assure you it certainly was t from my behavior. And as for a toxic environment you’re just assuming again as I let it go sooo many times when my partner is in a mood.

But you say here that you still think he’s doing something dodgy. Everyone has a reason why they behave the way they do, doesn’t mean partners have to accept it.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 28/08/2022 15:17

He's told you he doesn't love you. If he's blanking you it's because the relationship is dead. What more do you need?

Original poster
Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:18

Musti I’m quite confident if you were in this situation witnessing what I am it would play with your self esteem as well.

OP posts:
shazzybazzy34 · 28/08/2022 15:19

Lisaxxxxx · 28/08/2022 15:13

shazzybazzy34 Ignoring me for no reason at all. Blanking me like I don’t exist.

I don't fucking blame him.

This is absolutely NUTS behaviour.

I know he watches videos but his behavior is odd. The past 2 days he’s had his phone pretty much in his pocket yet he usually has it carefree laying around. But when he’s popped off to the toilet and came back, he’ll leave it laying around on the side. I can’t get across how he is acting but believe me it’s odd. Like he puts it on the side for my benefit after he’s came back from the toilet.
and a more recent time is now. Been in his pocket all morning. And now he’s back from the shop he’s put it on the side. Why now? But I guess if I’ve decided to stay with him I’ve got to put up with it. There may be a chance he’s not messaging someone else but also based on how he acts he could well be

You are like Miss Marple on steroids. Get some help for your paranoia. You sound like hell to live with. You are driving YOURSELF and your OH insane.

Let him go. Christ Almighty that's not living....for either of you!

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