Page 5 | Would this annoy you?

dontforgettofloss · 2022-08-27T16:36:20+00:00

Newish boyfriend, I was at his and he was making us some food, he told me to put the tv on a pick something to watch, there was hardly anything on, so I just stuck the news on, I wanted to watch it anyway. He came and sat down, then said "you can pick something else to watch, you don't have to watch the news to impress me". For context, he's in a high up job at the top of his profession, he's well educated, went to private school, I'm at the other end of the scale- I'm a cleaner. When he said that I kind of felt irritated, like I'm not intelligent enough to want to watch the news. I've not had good relationships in the past, and I have a problem with being able to pick up on any possible red flags, so please be gentle with me and tell me if I'm being too sensitive?

Original poster

dontforgettofloss · 29/08/2022 12:35

wellhelloitsme · 29/08/2022 12:23

Respect in an adult relationship means seeing someone as your equal.

Do you really think he respects you as his equal OP?

I'm asking that genuinely as from what you've said it really doesn't sound like he does.

Not when he makes comments like he has done

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 29/08/2022 12:42

I think that's your answer then OP when it comes to what to do next.

Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you as an equal cannot end well.

Having sex with someone who doesn't respect you as an equal cannot end well.

He believes he is entitled to sex unless a woman gives what he deems to be a valid enough excuse.

Good blokes don't think like that, let alone tell you they think like that!

TheOriginalClownfish · 29/08/2022 14:27

Your freedom programme worked - don't you see that?

Here you are, only a few months in and for the first time, you are spotting the few red flags here. Granted, you are checking them on here to ensure that your gut is telling you correctly but... you are spotting them and quickly as well. That's great!

Abusers come in all kinds of guises. This one of yours is just a different type to your ex, but when you look past their differences in how they behave, they still are probably quite similar in their perception of women and relationships and their entitlement.

Original poster

dontforgettofloss · 29/08/2022 22:27

honeylulu · 29/08/2022 11:09

Ugh. The more you write about him the worse he sounds. Patronising, superiority complex, critical, misogynistic, pervy and likely sexuality coercive (lucky you, he'll let you off sex if you're ill but otherwise you're expected to put out, like it or not!)

The food thing made me laugh though. When I've got a meal in front of me I'll get through it quite fast. I don't bolt it and have good table manners but I can't see the point of faffing around if it's hot and I'm hungry! I had one boyfriend who took an age to eat a meal, mainly because he talked so much. He'd actually put food on his fork then yabber away for a couple of minutes before eating it. One time he accused me of eating too fast and I laughed at him and teased him for eating "like a little birdie" . He didn't like that at all!

Glad I'm not the only one who eats fast, I felt so self conscious about my eating after he'd said that

OP posts:

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 29/08/2022 22:40

Oh Op. shagging for Britain only keeps them hanging around for awhile. It never lasts if that’s what it is based on. You need to form a mental and emotional connection, and hoping that will happen whilst you offer the sex to keep him in is doomed.

my male friend just did this with a woman, she was crazy about him, he stayed for two years on and off, she thought it was going to be for ever, and was working to that she was so loved up, he stayed only because she offered so much sex and well, any kind of sex, he wanted. He ended it a few weeks ago as he felt bad, as he knew she thought it was a proper relationship, he knew he was hanging around for the oral, the anal and the constant sex.

conversely he had it done to him, fell head over heels for a doctor who told him she couldn’t ever imagine introducing him to her friends as they’d judge her for being with someone like him. It was awful for him.

your comment of what would his friends think of someone like you, what does that even mean, someone kind, loving, what? Because it’s not about your job and education when you’re an adult. And if you’re with someone who thinks it is, then they are an arsehole and you need out.

the very fact he thinks you’re trying to impress him tells me there is a power imbalance here. It’s not going to work. So it’s time to get out, because the sex novelty wears off, it really does. Then you are left looking at each other and one of you gets hurt, right now I think it’s going to be you.

Original poster

dontforgettofloss · 30/08/2022 08:11

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 29/08/2022 22:40

Oh Op. shagging for Britain only keeps them hanging around for awhile. It never lasts if that’s what it is based on. You need to form a mental and emotional connection, and hoping that will happen whilst you offer the sex to keep him in is doomed.

my male friend just did this with a woman, she was crazy about him, he stayed for two years on and off, she thought it was going to be for ever, and was working to that she was so loved up, he stayed only because she offered so much sex and well, any kind of sex, he wanted. He ended it a few weeks ago as he felt bad, as he knew she thought it was a proper relationship, he knew he was hanging around for the oral, the anal and the constant sex.

conversely he had it done to him, fell head over heels for a doctor who told him she couldn’t ever imagine introducing him to her friends as they’d judge her for being with someone like him. It was awful for him.

your comment of what would his friends think of someone like you, what does that even mean, someone kind, loving, what? Because it’s not about your job and education when you’re an adult. And if you’re with someone who thinks it is, then they are an arsehole and you need out.

the very fact he thinks you’re trying to impress him tells me there is a power imbalance here. It’s not going to work. So it’s time to get out, because the sex novelty wears off, it really does. Then you are left looking at each other and one of you gets hurt, right now I think it’s going to be you.

Thank you for your insight, this does ring true to me

OP posts:

OldFan · 31/08/2022 20:32

The more you say, the more it's clear he's awful @dontforgettofloss .

I eat pretty quickly. If he takes one bite and then deliberately pauses, it sounds like he has issues around food.

The sex comment was quite ominous. You are expected to perform on demand.

Definitely do Freedom again (ideally after blocking this guy.)

Gillume · 02/09/2022 06:05

Run!

UseOfWeapons · 02/09/2022 06:49

Sorry, OP, IMO this chap is trying to conceal his condescension. The remark about food and eating faster than him is rude, so he’s clearly not as well-mannered as he thinks he is. You purposefully altered your eating speed after he said this, because he made you feel self conscious and uncomfortable.
I think you can do way better than this. Someone who treats you with respect would be an excellent start, so definitely not this bloke!
Good luck!

KVick · 02/09/2022 06:53

Wow! What a condescending, insulting thing to say! You're not being too sensitive. At least you now know how he sees you so you can lower your expectations in regards to him.

FluffyLamkins · 02/09/2022 07:31

A good line to have ready for any shitty comments (from anyone) is “what do you mean?” And get them to explain themselves. Sometimes if someone says something rude/nosy/crappy, then you can’t think quickly enough to have a response but bring prepared with that means you get clarity and get the person to explain actually what they meant. Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding but other times they have to spell out their prejudices or rudeness or realise that what they said was offensive.

I agree with many other posters above. Trust your gut, if you feel uncomfortable or questioning about this guy. Get rid of him. The comments about sex in particular indicate an arsehole who see women not as a person but a piece of meat to service his needs whenever he wants. Say no, and find out where his respect for you ends.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 02/09/2022 08:21

dontforgettofloss · 29/08/2022 11:51

We like and respect each other, he said he has a high sex drive, and his exes didn't, so the sex tailed off to nothing making him feel unloved and uncared for

Show quote history

This sounds to me like a veiled threat designed to warn you what will happen if you don’t keep up. He is manipulating you.

Hormonequeen · 02/09/2022 08:38

On the flip side of a lot of these messages I can admit that there were some serious red flags early on in my relationship which I blissfully ignored. We then went through a tough few years but we stuck it out and came out the other side and we are now very happily married!
it was not anything like naked women on secret tik tok accounts though. I thought seriously about posting as I don’t want you to ignore your gut instinct if he’s a bad one but do give it serious thought….. I hope you end up with a very happy relationship op be it with him or some fortunate guy who has yet to meet you.

salsquiggle · 02/09/2022 09:11

On the other hand, sometimes things just come out wrong! I always think out loud, sometimes to my horror. You say you took things slowly and he’s considerate and would drop a friend that dissed you. Some men think we want to be told we’re beautiful above all else. Don’t take it as a veiled insult. If you’ve been abused or coercively controlled previously just compare the people in an objective way. Because it sounds to me like you actually really like him and could be looking for excuses to avoid further commitment out of fear. Btw I have a very high sex drive and have been very unhappy in relationships where sex hasn’t figured enough.

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 09:27

salsquiggle · 02/09/2022 09:11

On the other hand, sometimes things just come out wrong! I always think out loud, sometimes to my horror. You say you took things slowly and he’s considerate and would drop a friend that dissed you. Some men think we want to be told we’re beautiful above all else. Don’t take it as a veiled insult. If you’ve been abused or coercively controlled previously just compare the people in an objective way. Because it sounds to me like you actually really like him and could be looking for excuses to avoid further commitment out of fear. Btw I have a very high sex drive and have been very unhappy in relationships where sex hasn’t figured enough.

Our relationship is very focused on sex, and he has said before that unless I was feeling unwell or not up to it, he expects a "healthy" sex life in a relationship, which is fair enough I suppose.

He's outright said to her that he feels entitled to sex unless a woman has what he deems to be a 'valid' excuse.

Decent blokes don't feel entitled to that.

And only really dickhead blokes would say it to the woman they're seeing.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 09:41

You say you took things slowly and he’s considerate and would drop a friend that dissed you.

No.
He SAID he would drop a friend that dissed her.
It's not a situation that has happened, so OP only has his word for it.

Meantime, he himself has dissed her. Three times that we know about -
the "no need to impress me by watching the news" condescension
the comment about eating, which made OP so self-conscious she changed her behaviour to avoid any more remarks
the veiled threat of how his last relationship tailed off due to - in his mind - insufficient sex, & how he expects OP to put out whenever he demands it, unless she what HE deems to be a severe enough illness.

Also - who goes around making crass declarations like "I would drop a friend who dissed you"?
It's very teenage White Knight.
And shows his mindset - he thinks OP will get dissed by his friendship group. He doesn't believe she quite measures up to it.

salsquiggle · 02/09/2022 11:19

Intent and interpretation can be very different. Minutiae do not always act as a tell to deeper meaning. Not necessarily disagreeing, but trying to find balance. My perfect husband turned out to be a serial womaniser, no red flags, perfect equalitarian- brilliant liar.