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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this annoy you?

117 replies

dontforgettofloss · 27/08/2022 17:36

Newish boyfriend, I was at his and he was making us some food, he told me to put the tv on a pick something to watch, there was hardly anything on, so I just stuck the news on, I wanted to watch it anyway.
He came and sat down, then said "you can pick something else to watch, you don't have to watch the news to impress me".
For context, he's in a high up job at the top of his profession, he's well educated, went to private school, I'm at the other end of the scale- I'm a cleaner.
When he said that I kind of felt irritated, like I'm not intelligent enough to want to watch the news.
I've not had good relationships in the past, and I have a problem with being able to pick up on any possible red flags, so please be gentle with me and tell me if I'm being too sensitive?

OP posts:
OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 28/08/2022 17:23

No probs OP.
Also - you've done yourself a good service here, & should give yourself a major pat on the back for listening to your gut. It's not you - it's him!

Original poster
dontforgettofloss · 28/08/2022 18:02

I've just remembered also- he's commented on the way I eat, saying I eat really fast- I do tend to finish food before others, but I certainly don't eat like a pig, I have table manners, he tends to take a bite, then sit there for a while, I said to him after he said I "woofed it down", that if I'm hungry, and the food is hot, I'd rather eat it while it's hot.
When he made the food the next time, I purposely ate it slower because I didn't want him to think I "eat too fast"

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 29/08/2022 00:15

@KettrickenSmiled

Whatever issues or battles you need to fight with the world - I think you need a separate thread.
This thread is not about you and you don’t need to like or approve comments by other people. In addition, the thread is not some sort of a discussion on class in the U.K. - which seems to be a topic that sends you off tangent.

I am trying to help OP. And I do hope she will get rid of the man who is clearly not treating her well.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 29/08/2022 00:19

Oh lord, give up on this complete twat. You are apologising for being yourself. Never ever allow that to happen in a relationship.

rwalker · 29/08/2022 00:31

50/50
could be clumsy humour or him being a twat

none of us on here know you were there go with what I think

wellhelloitsme · 29/08/2022 00:33

@rwalker

He's a twat. He thinks he's entitled to sex and expects it unless he gets what he deems a 'valid' excuse.

Our relationship is very focused on sex, and he has said before that unless I was feeling unwell or not up to it, he expects a "healthy" sex life in a relationship

Bleurgh.

Coyoacan · 29/08/2022 03:02

I think you maybe need to see if the Freedom Programme is on anywhere in your area, OP. But that comment about you only watching the news to try to impress him would have had me out the door like a shot.

My dd is really bright and a deep thinker but didn't do A levels. She doesn't let anyone know that, because she finds that people treat her like she is stupid if they find out she doesn't have the right qualifications

KettrickenSmiled · 29/08/2022 08:14

MMmomDD · 29/08/2022 00:15

@KettrickenSmiled

Whatever issues or battles you need to fight with the world - I think you need a separate thread.
This thread is not about you and you don’t need to like or approve comments by other people. In addition, the thread is not some sort of a discussion on class in the U.K. - which seems to be a topic that sends you off tangent.

I am trying to help OP. And I do hope she will get rid of the man who is clearly not treating her well.

@MMmomDD The lack of self-awareness in persisting to Head Girl at PP from the person who made the original crass classist comment is quite breathtaking. You created the tangent, & nobody needs your permission to remark on how out of order it was. Like everyone else, I've also been commenting directly to her with advice, which she has acknowledged - & she's perfectly capable of sifting through what's useful or interesting to her, without you acting as Thread Monitor. Go & patronise someone else with your "working class people are more vulnerable" claptrap, & kindly don't @ me again? Cheers.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/08/2022 08:16

Coyoacan · 29/08/2022 03:02

I think you maybe need to see if the Freedom Programme is on anywhere in your area, OP. But that comment about you only watching the news to try to impress him would have had me out the door like a shot.

My dd is really bright and a deep thinker but didn't do A levels. She doesn't let anyone know that, because she finds that people treat her like she is stupid if they find out she doesn't have the right qualifications

Well said - & you can do The Freedom Programme online OP -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Original poster
dontforgettofloss · 29/08/2022 08:22

I actually did the freedom programme after my last shitty relationship ended, I think I need to do it again. This boyfriend has totally blindsided me, because he also claims his last relationship was abusive, which I think it was, but I don't know his ex's side of the story so who knows. He's gentle and has a different manner to any of my exes, which is why I'm blindsided

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 29/08/2022 08:42

Give the FP another go, a bit of a refresher, might spark something. They don't have to be loud and brash and shouty to be incredibly toxic. Seemingly innocent comments that can be explained away as a joke, long silences, looks and sighs can be as damaging if not more so as it's less "obvious" as abuse.

I'd one hundred percent go with your gut, that's the best opinion you can canvas x

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 29/08/2022 08:43

OP, this guy is so far up his own fundament he can see next week's guano.

Trust your gut - he's bad news. Please get rid.

Sorry x

Redqueenheart · 29/08/2022 08:47

Red flag. That was a really arrogant and patronising comment.

it made you feel uncomfortable and annoyed and I would follow your gut instincts. If it does not feel right then move on.

Drinkingpop · 29/08/2022 08:54

Gentle? Whilst he's telling you you have to have sex with him unless he decides you have a reasonable excuse not to. Whilst he's telling you you're too stupid to be interested in the news and that you eat like a pig. He's controlling and doesn't see you as anything more than an accessory or an appliance.

Soozikinzii · 29/08/2022 08:54

I think it was a slip on his part and a bit condescending but we all make mistakes . Just keep it on the back burner . It would be unusual and secretive if he didnt follow models on instagram really wouldnt it ?

MMmomDD · 29/08/2022 08:56

@dontforgettofloss

Given how he treats you - thinking he cen tell you how to be - eat, have sex, what to watch on tv to impress him - I’d highly doubt anything he tells you about his past. It is more likely his previous partner(s) just didn’t let him trying to control them.

Don’t let his polite matter and ‘gentle’ ways fool you. I have been around so many men similar to him in background/position and this is just how they speak. It seems polite - but it’s no more than a way of speaking, it’s superficial, just how he was taught to communicate. And - in his case - it’s all being used to manipulate and control you.
What he is telling you or how he is asking you to be in a relationship is unacceptable.
Even if the demands are delivered in a polite gentle manner.

MMmomDD · 29/08/2022 09:04

@KettrickenSmiled

Self-awareness. Yes, it’s great when people have it.
Especially people who pounce on other posters and start commenting on their opinions, brining in some personal issues they are be sensitive to. Assuming they know what other posters think or are like.
And then, somehow accusing others of being Thread Monitors, etc.
I agree - we can all benefit from being more self awareness.

Original poster
dontforgettofloss · 29/08/2022 10:48

Soozikinzii · 29/08/2022 08:54

I think it was a slip on his part and a bit condescending but we all make mistakes . Just keep it on the back burner . It would be unusual and secretive if he didnt follow models on instagram really wouldnt it ?

It's not just Instagram, it's TikTok as well, and these women aren't just scantily clad- they're jumping up and down to make their boobs bounce Grin

OP posts:
honeylulu · 29/08/2022 11:09

Ugh. The more you write about him the worse he sounds. Patronising, superiority complex, critical, misogynistic, pervy and likely sexuality coercive (lucky you, he'll let you off sex if you're ill but otherwise you're expected to put out, like it or not!)

The food thing made me laugh though. When I've got a meal in front of me I'll get through it quite fast. I don't bolt it and have good table manners but I can't see the point of faffing around if it's hot and I'm hungry! I had one boyfriend who took an age to eat a meal, mainly because he talked so much. He'd actually put food on his fork then yabber away for a couple of minutes before eating it. One time he accused me of eating too fast and I laughed at him and teased him for eating "like a little birdie" . He didn't like that at all!

Original poster
dontforgettofloss · 29/08/2022 11:38

I did say about him saying I eat too fast- I said (sarcastically) oh sorry, I'll eat slower next time, and he said I can eat however I want. I was taught it's rude to comment on how people eat when I was growing up

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 29/08/2022 11:45

If you removed the sex what does your relationship look like? Do you like and respect each other?

He's obviously v keen on keeping you around for sex. Do you do things that his ex's didn't do or things you're not overly keen on for him?

Original poster
dontforgettofloss · 29/08/2022 11:51

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2022 11:45

If you removed the sex what does your relationship look like? Do you like and respect each other?

He's obviously v keen on keeping you around for sex. Do you do things that his ex's didn't do or things you're not overly keen on for him?

We like and respect each other, he said he has a high sex drive, and his exes didn't, so the sex tailed off to nothing making him feel unloved and uncared for

OP posts:
Original poster
dontforgettofloss · 29/08/2022 11:52

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2022 11:45

If you removed the sex what does your relationship look like? Do you like and respect each other?

He's obviously v keen on keeping you around for sex. Do you do things that his ex's didn't do or things you're not overly keen on for him?

I guess I give him more sex because I do fancy him a lot

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 29/08/2022 12:23

Respect in an adult relationship means seeing someone as your equal.

Do you really think he respects you as his equal OP?

I'm asking that genuinely as from what you've said it really doesn't sound like he does.