Reality of dating a man with 3 children?

[Donemain]

Im 26 with no kids and he is 33 with 3 children ages, 7, 5 and 3. He separated 18 months ago. He sees his children about every 2 weeks at weekends as they live down south.

I actually really like that he is a father, his children seem like a great age to introduce to a new partner, he is very serious about them and has never introduced them to anyone before. I haven’t met them yet but he is always sharing photos of them and can imagine it would be relatively soon.

Am I being naive of the reality of dating someone with children? I really want to meet them, love children to bits, understand they will always be part of his life and of course their mum.

just looking for anyone’s advice or experiences

How long have u been dating

Honestly, unless I really, really liked the fella I wouldn't pursue this any further. Firstly 3 kids is more than I ever wanted anyway and that's even before having your own (you might feel differently) and secondly blended families are just so messy, I've yet to see one where I thought it was managed really well. It's the modern world, it's going to happen, but at 26, I think it's too young to sign yourself up for that.

You like the fact that he's a father, probably because you either:
A) have some unresolved daddy issues of your own (no judgement, a lot of us have and I'm simply trying to explain that pull you feel towards him)
B) you want kids of your own one day and are looking for a future father for those.

The problem with this is, you're looking at a chap who isn't that great of a father.

He sees his kid 4 days a month and lives miles away from them. Presumably this means he does no night wakings, no school runs, no packed lunches, homework helping, sick day covering etc etc.

The man you're dating is probably giving his children daddy issues as I write. If he's lived away from his 3 year old for half of their life, there will be massive developmental stages that he's missed completely.

Does he even want more kids? And if he has them with you, would you be happy for him to move hundreds of miles away and see your children only 4 days a month?

Potentially I'm barking up the wrong tree and all you've ever wanted is to be a part time mum to someone else's kids (on top of your full time job). Cook for them, clean up after them, wash their clothes, clean up their sick, take them on holiday with you and spend hours entertaining them (as well as £££). Spend 4 days a month trying to create a relationship with 3 small people who wish you weren't there and their mum was.

If so, crack on; it'll be great 😁

I agree with user but as you haven't got kids you might not get the point. It's hard enough adjusting to your own, 3 of someone else's sounds very stressful to me.

I would be running for the hills tbh

What's a great age to introduce a new partner so? I suspect none 😆 honestly best of luck and all but you are coming across as hilariously naive. How long have you been seeing each other, genuinely I would advise waiting 18 months before introductions but I appreciate I'm quite conservative on this issue. I've just seen this go so wrong so often, for both the kids and new partners, it's so far from fun and games being a step parent, you have no idea

It all depends on how serious your relationship is and how serious you want it to be in the future. If you are happy to see him every other weekend when he doesn't have the kids, and some evenings, not live together etc etc then I can't see him being father having any effect on your relationship (apart from you needing to be understanding of the fact that things sometimes come up and arrangements may need to be rearranged from time to time).

If, however, you actually want to settle down with this person, the fact he had three kids wouldn't put me off, but what would is his lack of involvement in their lives. EOW and hundreds of miles away is not a decent father, as a poster above has already explained.

They aren’t just a part of his life, if he’s a good father they will always come first and be his life.
I am a mother of three my partner is so patient and accepting that sometimes plans change or are cancelled without much notice. If they need me I’m there regardless of what else is going on in my life.
i think it will be very difficult, that’s the harsh reality

I would recommend (with much experience) running for the hills at your age. It can be a miserable life dating a man with kids.

I’m with someone who has children and if I were to do it all again, my key questions would be, what is his relationship like with his children? What is his relationship like with their mother? Would these relationships change or become more challenging if he announced he had a girlfriend? Also, right now he isn’t seeing them a whole lot, how would you feel if he started having them week on, week off. Or if your only holiday together each year was with them. Or if he needed you to look after them/school runs etc whilst he worked, for example. No wrong answers to these questions, you just need to think about the bigger and possible future picture and whether that suits you (and it may).

How long have you been seeing him and why does he live so far away?

RUN!

You are very young. Plenty of time to find a nice young man with no baggage. If you need convincing, Take a look at the step parenting topic in mumsnet and ask yourself if that's really the life you want for yourself.

I’ll never understand why these useless dads are so attractive to younger women

He hardly sees his kids, showing people photos doesn’t make him a good dad. Why do they live ‘down south’? Did she move or did he? IMHO it isn’t worth 1% of the issues this will cause you.

My partner has one older child and that's gone really well. He has 50% shared parenting so much more hands on. We wanted a while before intros and don't see each other loads (living apart). It can work but I'd run a mile from someone with three kids under 10.

He's not a good father sorry. He doesn't live near his kids and sees them 4 days a month. Babysitters do the same thing, I babysat kids four times a month too, does that make me a parent? No. He's not a parent, he's a glorified babysitter who does the fun stuff only.

You'll probably fall for it though and still think he's a perfect guy, because he's charming, he says the right things, says you're more mature than other girls your age etc. He'll call you beautiful and can't wait to have a family with you, blah blah blah. He said all that same crap to his wife too, the mother of his first lot of kids. You're the second victim he's snapped up, will impregnate and eventually once the dirty jobs get too much will run off too.

Good luck with your future if you believe him. Single mum and wondering what went wrong..

I would hope he hasn’t introduced anyone else to them if he has only been separated 18 months.

Im also very sceptical. Why does he live so far away from them?? Why did he and their mum split?

Have a read of the step parenting board here to see the realities of life as a step mum. It’s an incredibly hard journey.

Id advise you to move on. Find someone with no baggage that you can build a future with. This guy has lots of red flags. Let alone the difficulties of being a step mum

Who was the one who moved, him or his ex? If it’s him who moved then I’d say no way.

Why does he say he split up with his ex? If he is negative about her or blames her mental health then I would also say no way. Does he share responsibility for it not working ?

This. Never again would I do it. It was a nightmare.

You will never have any money. He’ll be paying child support for at least 15 years, spending money on meals and days out and holidays. Christmas and birthdays every year. Then they’ll need help with university costs. Then they’ll want a car, help with a house deposit, money to help pay for a wedding. Then half a dozen grandkids will cost even more money. And to top it all off, when he dies they’ll want his share of your house.

Honestly, find someone else who has money and can afford a decent life with you. Think of your future kids too - they’ll be deprived of a decent standard of living because Daddy is supporting three other kids, then when they’re grown up they’ll only inherit a quarter of his estate. Pick a different man who can dedicate 100% of his money to you and your shared children.

From someone who has recently come out of a long term relationship with a man with three kids (and I am in my 40s with my own child) I would say run a mile. Especially at 26. It gets very messy and complicated and if I could go back in time I wouldn’t consider it 😞

Agree with PP - unless there’s some reason why the parents can’t live near each other (which in itself would usually be a red flag), it’s concerning that he doesn’t live much nearer his DCs. Especially when they’re so little and need caring adult supervision at all times.

He’s doing a Disney Dad weekend once a month, none of the daily slog that comes with parenting. It’s a serious thing for a couple to bring 3 children into the world and then decide they’re better off apart when the children are still very small. Unless there is abuse in the relationship, it would be rare for a mother of 3 youngsters to prefer to go it alone unless the father is really useless. Overall the set-up raises questions which are probably not obvious unless you’re a parent.

Am I being naive of the reality of dating someone with children? I really want to meet them, love children to bits, understand they will always be part of his life and of course their mum.

Yes. You’re being incredibly naive.

Liking children and being a good person are not sufficient resources for navigating the incredible complexity of life in a stepfamily. Indeed, they can very easily become the starting point for you being horribly taken advantage of and becoming utterly miserable.

You’re young and have lots of choices. You would be making your life much harder than it needs to be.

Have a read of stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. And believe her that it really is that hard and complex - however considerate or well meaning you are.

Yeah, just no. Don't do it. Do you honestly want to get tied down to someone with 3 children when you're so young ?

I'm 40 and recently chose not to date someone with 3 young children because my son is 19 and we are at different stages in our lives. I no longer wish to partake in soft play or school runs

Mate, run. He already has one seriously failed relationship, three kids, who may well hate you because you are not mum. He is a rotten dad to see them so rarely. He is unlikely to want more kids (whatever he says now), with three already to pay for and if you do have DC together, the second family is frequently treated as second class. You would be signing up to a lifetime of lack of money, problems with inheritance - just check out the step parenting board.