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Relationships

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Original poster

Reality of dating a man with 3 children?

94 replies

Donemain · 27/08/2022 10:54

Im 26 with no kids and he is 33 with 3 children ages, 7, 5 and 3. He separated 18 months ago. He sees his children about every 2 weeks at weekends as they live down south.

I actually really like that he is a father, his children seem like a great age to introduce to a new partner, he is very serious about them and has never introduced them to anyone before. I haven’t met them yet but he is always sharing photos of them and can imagine it would be relatively soon.

Am I being naive of the reality of dating someone with children? I really want to meet them, love children to bits, understand they will always be part of his life and of course their mum.

just looking for anyone’s advice or experiences

OP posts:

annoyedneighbour1 · 27/08/2022 15:10

Hell no.

And he isn't a good father, he's quite the opposite.

felulageller · 27/08/2022 15:25

Dating is one thing.

What happens when you want DC?

You will need a 4 bedroom house, 5 if you have 2+ different sex DC.

Can you afford that?

Can you afford a car to take 4/5 DC's out? Go on holiday with 4/5?

His DC's will (should) always come first. Do you want your DC's playing second fiddle all their lives?

Read the step parenting boards on here. They aren't good.

Frances658 · 27/08/2022 15:31

Do you think you'll want your own children in the future? If you do, I'd be asking lots of questions about what circumstances led him to live so far away from this children that he can only see them every two weeks. It would be completely different if he had 50/50 custody, and

Frances658 · 27/08/2022 15:36

Do you think you want your own children? If you do, and possibly with this man, I'd be asking him lots of questions as to how he ended up living so far from his children that he can only see them every two weeks. "Good" fathers would not be happy with that, and would move heaven and earth to make sure they could see their kids more often. He's shown you what he'd be like as a father (largely absent), so why would you want that for your own, possible future kids? My dad was like that with his first children, my half siblings, and he wasn't a good dad to any of us, despite my parents remaining married throughout my childhood (they're divorced now thankfully). If you don't want kids, fair enough, but if you do, I don't understand why you'd want to pursue this.

Frances658 · 27/08/2022 15:37

Sorry, I thought my first post disappeared!

Stretchandsnap · 27/08/2022 15:39

God why would you bother. Read the step-parenting section here and run for the hills. You are young, move on!!

halfgirlhalfturnip · 27/08/2022 15:45

Be independent financially, with him contributing equally to your joint life. Only pursue if you do not want children. Be friends and find a free spirit if you want kids. You will, and should be, far down the pecking order, and your relationship will be a mass of compromise, disappointment and challenge (even more than with a partner with no kids) just my opinion.

SpringIntoChaos · 27/08/2022 15:55

Run...far away! I have children and grandchildren, and I know how 'romantically ideal' it might all sound now. It isn't!

safetyfreak · 27/08/2022 16:04

Just...why? you are only 26.

Hermione101 · 27/08/2022 16:13

You’re 26!!! Why, why would you sell yourself so your short at your age??

IF he is a decent father he will prioritise his time, energy, effort, and financial resources to ensure his children grow up loved and taken care of. You will and you should be way down on his list of priorities, that is, if he is a decent man. If he doesn’t do these things, he’s not a decent man and why would you even give this relationship a chance???

arethereanyleftatall · 27/08/2022 16:33

Like everyone else said.
And I guess at 26 with no children, you wouldn't know this....but, parenting is hard. Hard hard hard. Unless there's a very good reason, leaving someone else to bring up your 3 children basically alone, is a thoroughly shit thing to do. Run.

Smilingwithfangs · 27/08/2022 16:40

‘He’s very serious about them’

They are his flesh and blood, his dependents, supposedly the pinnacle of his entire world. They aren’t a hobby!

you are romanticising fatherhood as you aren’t actually seeing him do the nitty gritty knee deep in shit and tantrums act of parenting that he SHOULD be doing.

Every single reply here has said run away fast but I bet you don’t listen. You sound very naive and caught up in a fantasy of him as a mature man. The reality is he is absent father whose kids may well resent him when older.

Children are a massive financial, time and emotional responsibility that if he does properly leaves you a very poor fourth and if he does badly makes him a horrible human.

Where is the good side of this one OP?

His ex wife is doing the grunt work. Maybe save your awe for her.

Cleothecat75 · 27/08/2022 16:50

I’m guessing you want children at some point (as you say you really like them). He already has 3 dc who he isn’t parenting (at least not on a day to day or at least 50/50 basis). I’d be very wary of a man who thinks that is acceptable. I’d also be wary that the maintenance costs for 3 dc are going to take a good percentage of his income, meaning there will be less available to cover outgoings for any future dc (and if he isn’t paying a good chunk out in maintenance, that is another red flag. Does he speak well of his ex wife or are they quite amicable?

MrsMontyD · 27/08/2022 17:05

If you had dc of your own you would view his parenting differently, he's hardly seeing them at all and isn't involved in the day to day of their lives, his ex is doing 99% of the parenting and he's swanning in two weekends a month and getting credit for it.

Just from a financial perspective I wouldn't entertain this man, never mind his lack of parenting three young children.

Whatever you decide don't have dc with this man unless you're prepared to cover the cost yourself, he can't afford any more dc, I doubt he can afford to properly contribute to a household with you, unless he's on a really huge salary.

Oneanddone88 · 27/08/2022 17:08

My dp has one child , I've been there since step son was a baby and he's almost 9. It's not easy and I would think very carefully about it.

5128gap · 27/08/2022 19:34

Its a difficult one.
If he's a genuinely good father, it will affect every aspect of your relationship because you will always be less important. Your needs will come second to the children's. Plans with you will be cancelled. Activities will be compromised. Finances will be impacted. If you have children with him, they will be of no greater priority than his existing children. His time and money is finite and he would be spreading it very thinly. And that's without any tension and conflict that might arise between you and his children, in which he will take their side, probably ending things with you if it's making them miserable.
On the other hand, if he's not a good father, none of the above would apply. But would you want him?
To be completely honest, at 26 and childless, I wouldn't go near him.

Lollywillowes · 27/08/2022 22:07

whatstheteamarie · 27/08/2022 11:19

You like the fact that he's a father, probably because you either:
A) have some unresolved daddy issues of your own (no judgement, a lot of us have and I'm simply trying to explain that pull you feel towards him)
B) you want kids of your own one day and are looking for a future father for those.

The problem with this is, you're looking at a chap who isn't that great of a father.

He sees his kid 4 days a month and lives miles away from them. Presumably this means he does no night wakings, no school runs, no packed lunches, homework helping, sick day covering etc etc.

The man you're dating is probably giving his children daddy issues as I write. If he's lived away from his 3 year old for half of their life, there will be massive developmental stages that he's missed completely.

Does he even want more kids? And if he has them with you, would you be happy for him to move hundreds of miles away and see your children only 4 days a month?

Potentially I'm barking up the wrong tree and all you've ever wanted is to be a part time mum to someone else's kids (on top of your full time job). Cook for them, clean up after them, wash their clothes, clean up their sick, take them on holiday with you and spend hours entertaining them (as well as £££). Spend 4 days a month trying to create a relationship with 3 small people who wish you weren't there and their mum was.

If so, crack on; it'll be great 😁

THIS

Smilingwithfangs · 29/08/2022 19:11

OP hasn’t come back.

Doodledeedum · 29/08/2022 19:19

Two things :

Depends on the way he is a father....
is he good /Disney/shit etc

And you wilL ALWAYS have his ex in your life and if she is high conflict- it's realllllly hard.

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