Reality of dating a man with 3 children?

[Donemain]

Im 26 with no kids and he is 33 with 3 children ages, 7, 5 and 3. He separated 18 months ago. He sees his children about every 2 weeks at weekends as they live down south.

I actually really like that he is a father, his children seem like a great age to introduce to a new partner, he is very serious about them and has never introduced them to anyone before. I haven’t met them yet but he is always sharing photos of them and can imagine it would be relatively soon.

Am I being naive of the reality of dating someone with children? I really want to meet them, love children to bits, understand they will always be part of his life and of course their mum.

just looking for anyone’s advice or experiences

You should be running like hell. Why on earth would you burden yourself with all of his baggage? You're just 26 years old!

Me ex sees our 2 once a fortnight. Well that was when they were younger.
..

They're teenagers now and have decided they can't be bothered.....he barely even calls or texts them.

He's been a shit dad.

He's doing exact same thing now to his 2 other younger ones. Split from their mum and has them 1 night every 2 weeks at his mother's house.

He says he can't afford his own place.

He has a good income, been on holiday abroad twice in the last 2 months but never even taken the children out anywhere....

My kids get minimum maintenance so he thinks that makes it all alright....and he's never been to parent evenings, never wanted them on Xmas, getting pissed up was more important.

Always put himself first.

He's partnered again and she's pregnant.

More fool her..cos history will repeat again and again.

I'm just glad my 2 are old enough to see through him.

I've always gritted my teeth and said he loves them etc etc....never bad mouthed him for their sake.

But trust me.

Once every 2 weeks is nothing.

He's a shit dad
Run fast and run far.

He is still married.

And he will of course say his ex is crazy (Yes, probably because he drove her crazy)

Why should his children meet you ? You weren't in their lives before. What will you give to the children that they haven't already got emotionally?

You want to meet them to show your partner how great you are, how the kids love you, to show him that you are wife material. It doesn't work that way.

You are naive if you think the kids will like you. They will see you as the person who takes away their daddy's time.

The kids will always always be priority over you. You can't change that. Law of the universe.

Run for the hills.

26!!!!!!

Similar here tbh.

There's a big age gap between my children so plenty of time for him to mature and do better but he hasn't.

He saw them EOW and occasionally mid week of it didn't interrupt his plans. The children soon grew wise to his "I'd love to spend more time with you," but never doing so proclamations.

He wasn't a great dad. He did, however, do the trips to Disneyland (proper Disney dad!); plastered photos of them over social media; told everyone they were the most important thing to him, so precious, he loved them... but, by their teens, neither wanted much to do with him because he just wasn't there for them and the relationship just isn't there.

Fortunately, he and his partner chose not to have any of their own because they both realised having children was a bit of a pain in the arse and didn't want them.

A truly good dad won't have enough time for you and a shit dad isn't someone you want to be embarking on a relationship with and investing in if you want your own at some point.

He's never introduced the kids to anyone before ?

Should hope bloody not. He's only been separated 18 months.

Wait another year or two, and then meet the kids.

Oh op. You are 26, and dare I say it, a bit naive. I know what I am talking about, I was you many years ago (involved in mid 20s with a man in his thirties with kids). Don’t do it. There are sooo many down sides. Go fast in the opposite direction.

Sounds like hell

A world of difficulty and pain lies ahead, especially if you go on to have another child with him.

Who moved away, his former partner or him?

As a mother who has tried to date a man with kids, I highly suggest you get some life experience before contemplating this.

Oh, and if you join households with this waster down the line, you will inevitably end up paying for his children.

Have you ANY idea how much teens eat, and what it costs to rear them house them?

You inevitably end up working to pay for them.

Do you even want children of you own?

How would you feel paying have a morgage on a house and all the ancillary costs and your child is in a tiny bedroom because you need bedrooms for your step children?

Never being able to spend a penny on your children without having it queried about.

Run.

In the nicest possible way OP-RUN!
Personally id be saying you've had time to think and you've realised all this is too much for you.
Find someone all shiny new and plan a lovely life and family together if that's what you'd like.

Why would you do that? Run and live your life.

You are only 26. If you want to eventually have children - I’d not be getting together with someone who has 3 young kids.
For so so many different reasons.

If he had 1 kid and relationship didn’t work out - ok. Possibly. But with three?

I’d be questioning his ability to commit and maintain a relationship. I’d wonder what actually happened in that marriage - if he left? Or if he drove his W to be unhappy to leave - as a woman with three children won’t easily divorce.

And in addition - a man happy to only see his 3 kids occasionally - is not someone I’d want to have kids with.

Finally - and that is important too, unless he is very rich…. How many kids can he actually support? 3 is a lot as it is.

RUN!!!!

My partner has two kids from a previous relationship, they are lovely kids tbh but still I would never dare someone again with kids , and if a friend came and said they were thinking of dating a man with kids I would say RUN!!!
As a step parent you get all the bad of parenting - sometimes worse- and none of the good parts of parenting

Well it depends…

• if mum is happy for you to spend time with them, if she is jealous it becomes a nightmare for absolutely everyone.
• if you and your partner have similar parental styles. if you do, is a breeze, if you don’t… run while you can.

I have only dated men with children (by choice) and do not have unresolved daddy issues, just wanted someone who could understand what being responsible for another human being entails to ensure he could understand that I couldn’t easily go in regular romantic weekends away or going out all the time.

I have loved some of their kids as if they were mine, totally adored them and really liked their mother but… I have also ended a relationship because I couldn’t put up with the horrendous behaviour both from the kids and their crazy mother.

Met my husband at 24 he had a 4 year old. He lived down here (in military) and child lived 3 hours north. I had no kids.

fast forward 14 years we now have our own three and stepson is 18 now and is always part of the family (Obs he’s got his own life now!) All worked out well and despite working hours and distance he was never let down.

i mean three kids is a lot! But I always kept in my head that I’m second priority to the child/ren- and that’s the way it should be!

Echo everyone else...Run

In just over 5 years he choose to have 3 children with his Ex. When the youngest was 18months it broke up..my guess is he felt family life wasn't for him. Perhaps his ex no longer had the time and energy to devote to him. Perhaps he wanted to pursue a single life, going out, going to the gym, rather than play parks and changing nappies.

If he says his ex was awful then he has left his children with her so that's unlikely

If he says they grew apart then the reality is he felt 3 kids cramped his style.

If he says she had an affair, question him as it's likely the other way around. No mum (unless she is super woman) has energy for affairs with 3 under 6.

Please ooen your eyes to what you are letting yourself in for....you risk wasting your life, especially your mid to late 20s which are fantastic years.

Any man who walks out with such young children isn't a great bet. Separate his personality from character. What does his track record show about his character?

I think women in their twenties up for playing stepmother with an older, shit dad (nothing you have described makes him a ‘good dad’- he plays no role in their day to day care and barely has them) have a wealth of unresolved problems. I also don’t trust men who seek out younger women for this role. You’ll be looking after those kids on his weekend. They want nannies that they can shag and who will pay half their bills.

Go find a bloke your own age who you can have your own kids with. The delicate stepmother relationship is not worth your youth or your sanity. You will always be second and tbh that’s how it should be.

I think OP has been scared away by the replies here.

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, married 18. He had 3 small children when we started dating, 1, 3 & 5. We live in a smallish town, and I knew him anyway.
Him & his partner split, and he moved back with his parents, which was round the corner from his ex.
They jointly decided on maintenance, which he paid until they were 21. He used to have them on weekends, and we would take them on holiday if they wanted to come.
It was a bit of a shock to my system, as I had no children, but, once we had bought out house, they were round here .. and we eventually had our own child, so all was good.

Him & his partner were deeply unhappy .. they split for the right reasons, both got married years ago. I am probably closets to the middle child, who agrees that splitting up was the best thing that their parents did, as they have both gone on to be happy with other people.

All worked out well for us - good luck to you.

I was 29 when we met btw, and my husband is 10 years older

Nah.
I wouldn't even entertain this situation.

I would worry that he wouldn’t want more kids - he’s already got three. And then he’s used to not properly looking after kids so will you be stuck doing everything?

and the kids might not get on with you. And he might expect you to do the childcare. And his ex might hate you.

It’s harsh to say ‘write it off’ because you might really like him, but if he’s a good dad this will be a major complication, and if it doesn’t really impact your lives….then he’s not a good involved dad.

You have higher dating/mating market value than he does.

All the advantage taking is on his side.

You're selling yourself short.

Oh and btw "step" kids rarely like their Dads new partner"s past the honeymoon phase. It's just hassle and stress you don't need to be getting into.