Reality of dating a man with 3 children?

[Donemain]

Im 26 with no kids and he is 33 with 3 children ages, 7, 5 and 3. He separated 18 months ago. He sees his children about every 2 weeks at weekends as they live down south.

I actually really like that he is a father, his children seem like a great age to introduce to a new partner, he is very serious about them and has never introduced them to anyone before. I haven’t met them yet but he is always sharing photos of them and can imagine it would be relatively soon.

Am I being naive of the reality of dating someone with children? I really want to meet them, love children to bits, understand they will always be part of his life and of course their mum.

just looking for anyone’s advice or experiences

The reality is if this goes anywhere and he’s a semi-decent person, you will always be the last thing on his mind.

If you become part of their lives and are a decent person you would give up on ever having your own children and be happy being completely in service to these 3. You’ll be at the whim of their mother, their illnesses, their financial and emotional needs.

The likelihood of it working with you is very small, given he couldn’t keep it together with a woman with whom he chose to have 3 children.

You cannot even begin to imagine the difficult things that can happen. Don’t sell yourself short.

Run. Honestly at your age there are so many options open to you. If he sees his kids 2 weekends a month he's hardly father of the year is he?

If you were my dd I'd tell you not to get involved.

Run. My DP has 2 children. It's horrendous! I wish I hadn't got involved.

I'm 48. My children are 23 (living independently) and 16 (living at home). My partner is 58 with 2 children (23 and 26). Our plans are still disrupted because his children or mine need something. There is a lot of self sacrifice involved in raising children well.

I've been single since I was 37 mostly because I didn't want to introduce another man to my children, didn't want to be involved in raising someone else's and didn't want to blend families.

At your age and without children of my own, I wouldn't even be considering the sort of man he is in terms of a father as others have on this thread, I'd be thinking purely about the impact on me and my life and I wouldn't want it.

If he is genuinely a good father (although I do agree with others that it would be hard to be living so far away and seeing them so infrequently), then it's going to be a massive imposition in your life. The bottom line is that, if it doesn't impact negatively on you, then he isn't a good dad.

Naivety.

I don’t think the criticism for seeing his kids EOW is fair (even if I agree the OP should not embroil herself in this). That’s equal weekend time between the parents while giving the children the stability of a main home. This is one of those no win situations for NRPs: actually do their best to maximise time with the children while considering their need for stability, and he’s a waste of space; insist on 50-50 and he’s just trying to get out of paying for them and doesn’t care about anything else. 🤷🏻‍♀️

God love you yes, you are naive, as many are.

Read the step parenting posts on here.

Very hard.
You will be skivvy aupair to his children when he has them.

Any child you had with him would be risky as you know he has already walked out on a woman and his three children.

You are with a man who is talking the talk🙄but sees his three young children 4 days a month.

#wasterfather.

Three young child that age are relentless and he has run from them.

You have absolutely no idea of the REAL character of a man who does this, but believe me, it is NOT a good man.

I would be horrified if either of my daughters got involved with a similar man, masquerading as a "father".

Any gobshite can hook naive woman with their cute photo's of their precious children.

Different ballgame to actually parent and be there for them.

He ain't no prince nor prize, THAT'S for sure.

There's a certain romance in playing happy families to some women. And men, tbf. Especially if they don't have their own and have no experience.

OP, to add to my post, it doesn't mtter what their ages, priority wise, you will be 4th or 5th (depending on his relationship with his ex) down the list. And always will be. My partner and I both prioritise all 4 children over ourselves. And neither of us has ever had any part in raising the others children.

Personally i would not be perusing anything with anyone who has 3 kids they barely see

You're throwing yourself away on a separated divorced man with 3 kids, when at 26, you could easily have a man with no kids.

With three kids already, you realise that your kids would be getting a quarter (and a fifth if you have a 2nd) etc etc of his income (after all bills), compared to full of half his income with a man who doesn't already have kids with another an other woman/in another household.

It's not just child maintenance, it's all the other costs too if he's remotely decent and pays towards them.

Unless he's a super high earrnef or has assets some other way .... You and they are worse off financially than if you hit he'd your wagon to a man without kids already.

And you get to do the first with your partner too.

Young women have some weird, romantic view of these situations .... Be sure you haven't had any kids yet yourself.

Truly decent men rarely leave the mothers of their kids.

Women with kids with a man rarely leave him without major issues on his part.

Get it?

Read the step parent board, then come back with any questions you have.

*You and they are worse off financially than if you hitched your wagon to a man without kids already.

The reality of having a dp with children, even adult ones is they come first. It could mean ruined date plans, cutting a holiday short, it's usually financial- the kids need for support is paramount. If you go onto have a child with him, that child's life will have to fit around their half siblings who may appear to have the best of both worlds (cue jealousy). You may get aggrieved that you are left parenting his children whilst he's at work (overtime needed to support 2 families)

This all assumes the relationship with his ex is amicable, you don't want to even consider the extra issues if they are at war!

All that said, my dp and I have two kids apiece and it works well, the difference is though that it's equal, 2 each, they are adults, one of each of ours lives with us, they get along fine but like housemates not siblings. Dsd gets along great with me (very helpful as we are around together a lot) but I'm her friend, her confidante, her advisor not her mother.

Girl run

As others have said Run! Don't look back!
How can he be a good dad - he hardly ever sees them
Why did he move so far away?

Ps we both stayed with our ex's until youngest was 18 despite both being in dead marriages if we are honest, it was our ex's that called time in both cases, we then met each other fairly quickly (as I said marriages were long dead so moved on very quickly emotionally). Men who move away from young children are questionable to say the least

*And you get to do the firsts with your partner too.

Another one telling you to run a mile! If he was a great dad he would make sure that he was living near to the children. He barely sees them really. They won't want you there, even if you do want to see them.

You want children but the chances are that your experience of motherhood will be very very different if you stay with him.

Dump him and look out for someone who is at the same stage of life as you.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking there is only one man in the world for you.

*And you get to do the firsts with your partner too.

Seriously? I’d run a mile. Take a read through the step parenting threads if you need any incentive.

As an older woman and mother, looking back at myself at 26, there isn’t a chance I’d date a man with three children.

If he’s a good Dad, a lot of his time, mental energy and money will be going towards them, leaving not much time for you. If you have DC of your own, you’ll be sharing time and resources with another family.

And if he’s not spending a lot of time and money on his kids, he’s a crap Dad and a crap person.

Its a lose-lose situation for you.

I didn’t date men with children when I was young and I still think that’s the best decision. I’m 45 now and if I was ever back in the dating pool, men with still dependent children would be out. I just can’t be arsed with it, knowing what I know now!

he is very serious about them

No, he isn't. If he was he'd see them more than 4 days a month, which is a pitiful amount.

Christ I would hate it if either of my dds got into this situation. Find a nice young man with no kids you’re only 26.

If he was a great dad he would make sure that he was living near to the children.

This top

What excuse does he have for "having" to live distant from them? Work? Bet he could live closer if he really had to.

Any decent parent would be reasonably at arms length to see lots of them, be there to share the load, for emergencies etc etc.

How anyone could be in little kids lives 24, 7 and then change to seeing eow bighles the mind ....these are little humans he had been around, caring for (or should have been) 24, 7 since they came home as newborns. If myself or my dad's Dad aren't around her for even a couple of days we start to feel totally unsettled and like something/somebody very important is missing. That's parenting. Anyone who can bail out/distance themselves to that degree is not a good parent ... So don't be thinking he's a good Dad. He's not. If he was a good Dad he probably wouldn't even have left ... Or at the very least, he's have moved heaven and earth to be close at hand, seeing them, regularly, helping share the heavy loadnod school runs, hobby runs, providing means, getting homeworks done, doing school and hobby laundry, listening to them in person about any problems or worries etc.

I know a single mum of 4 kids (Inc twins) through school - the Dad of her kids couldn't open a pack of baby wipes, her sisters do everything with/for her with the kids, they split, he said he'd buy his kids new beds, he didn't ..... He's got another year old baby with mother woman already.

There's one born every minute ... . These women need their heads checked.