The beginning of the end???

[lostat37]

I have lurked on this page for years and must have read hundreds of posts but never posted my own story…… until now

Im not sure why now is my time to post? Maybe to validate my decision? Maybe to just get it down how I’m feeling? Or maybe to just tell the same story that I have ready so many times before 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

This is a long one so buckle in…..

I met my DH when I was 15…. 22 years later we have 3 children with the eldest going off to uni this year.

If I’m honest with myself things haven’t been right for years but for the last 12 months it has felt like I’m on a conveyor belt at yo sushi!!!

We have a relationship that when it’s good it’s really good but when it’s bad it’s intolerable.

Over the last few years the bad times are frequently outweighing the good.

If I’m honest I think that over the years a huge amount of resentment has grown (probably mainly from my side) I
have always been very career driven and consider like working.

My husband hasnt ever settled in a job and mainly always worked for family, he was a stay at home dad (minus the mental load which I continued to do) when the kids were little as it was cheaper than childcare but when the children got older he just didn’t ever want to go back to the workplace.

We tried to accommodate this by purchasing a property that required renovation with the plan for him to renovate it whilst I worked.

Nearly a decade later we are still living in practically a building site, no ceilings, lack of heating, temporary kitchen etc

It has got to the point that every argument and row has become very tit for tat and our relationship seems to be a
constant scoring exercise…. Classic examples well you didnt wash up so I’m not doing this or you didn’t get up at 8am so I’m not doing anything until 8am etc.

I continue to work full time whilst he continues to just potter around with no structure to his day.

Whenever I ask why the house isn’t done the response I get is ‘well I’m not sitting on my arse all day’!He won’t make a plan, won’t tell me when it will be finished etc. whenever I raise the subject I’m just accused of moaning or complaining.

He does zero of the mental load, does about 40% of the house work and zero financial contribution to our household.

However expects his share of what is left after household bills each month to stash away. This is HIS money and never gets touched, I am routinely dipping into my share to pay for holidays, birthdays, things the kids need etc.

His days are spent pottering, evenings going out with mates and the gym.

I keep thinking is this what my life has come to? And is it unadir that I now just want out?

I have discussed separation with him and his response is that if I’m not happy just go,

I have discussed selling up, buying something that is done and him getting a job…. His response is that you will just find something else to moan about.

I just feel lost…. I have spent my entire adult life with him but am really not happy…..I know I must go but a part of me is just worried of the unknown.

I’m sorry to ramble on and not really sure what I’m expecting from posting this.

I just feel so lost.

Your.wasting.your.life

No idea why though, you sound very independent and strong. Imagine how much more money you will have without supporting a cock lodger

It’s just going to be different that’s all, it won’t be any harder or easier than currently as your life doesn’t sound like a bed of roses as it is.

It will just be different but with the chance of happiness thrown in. Good luck with it all

It all sounds really positive now you have taken action and made a plan. I would however sit the kids down and say they have a choice who to live with abs take the youngest two if they want to come with you. 15 miles is t that far. I can't see he will be a nice influence on them once you are gone and better for them to be with their mum.

Well done for taking the jump. You are doing the right thing.

When you start second guessing yourself, remember that he has had 20 odd years to make changes, and he hasn't. Why would it be any different now? You don't want to be in this same position again in 5/10 years' (heck! even 1year's) time.

You are ripping that bandage off and that makes you brave and strong. Good luck!!

Thanks all… for all his faults one thing is that he does and has always had a good relationship with the kids. Although not through my choice he has been the consistent one at home when they get back from school or gets up with them in the mornings.

my job requires me to sometimes be out the house before they are awake and sometimes stay overnight if I have a meeting the other end of the country. Although this has been less since COVID.

Although as they have got older they do and have said things like Dad is lazy, it’s a good job you work mum, I’m not having a boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn’t work.

I know lots of people think it’s better for the kids to go with the mum but If they came to my dads with me they wouldn’t be able to get to school as there is no public transport where he lives, wouldn’t be able to see their friends and I wouldn’t always be there after school also they could be left with my elderly dad which isn’t fair on them or him.

does that make me a bad mum? They can of course stay with me whenever they want and I plan on having weekends away with them when they want or catching up for a meal etc.

i don’t know what others teenagers are like but to be fair even when I am living with them we barely see each other in between school, them being with friends, part-time work etc.

Why are you giving him money???

Good for you! Your life will be unimaginably better and very soon!!

What when we separate or whilst we have been together?

when we separate I am giving him 1/2 the mortgage payments which I’m liable and CMS both of which I thought is reasonable and I am liable for?

whilst we were together as he wasn’t working I would pay all the bills and then anything left over we would go 50/50 as we are married and I thought at the time that not giving him any money would be considered financial abuse on my side, and as we are married any income generated dieting the marriage is 50/50???? Maybe it was a skewed perception that I had but at the time thought I was doing the right thing. I was always mindful of what it would be like if the roles were reversed and I was the one that had quit work to look after the kids… (although he then never went back)

Yeah, I would worry about him brainwashing them against you.

I have thought of this and a few years ago would have probably been worried about this but they are now 14, 17 and 18. We both have good relationships with them all and they are pretty independent and strong minded teenagers.

they are not blind as to how things have been over the last few years and I will ensure that I have regular contact with them too.

I don't think you're a bad mum, and it looks like the kids can see that you are doing what you have to do. You're not just going out to work, but also doing around 60% of the housework AND all the mental load.

They have already seen the dynamic in the house and realised that he is the lazy one. I wouldn't worry too much about him influencing them when you move out.

Just be the same good mum you have been.

I'm still astonished at how little he does as a SAHD. It is shocking.

Hi daily routine was to make sure they are up in the morning and get the school transport.

mostly do the washing up
sometimes do the cooking about 3 times a week
sometimes do DIY (but rarely)
empty the bins (when reminded)
sometimes hoover
give lifts for the teens if needed (usually a disagreement first about who did the last lift)
do his own washing
tidy (not clean)

I at a loss as to what else he does 🙈🙈🙈

what I do

go to work
sometimes do the washing up
cook at weekends and maybe once in the week
do the food shop
clean the bathrooms (I’m the only one in the house that seems to do this 😡)
change the bed sheets
encourage kids to clean their rooms and sometimes help
do my washing and the youngest child’s (make the teens do their own)
clean, mopping, dusting etc
Organise kids birthday, Xmas etc
organise holidays days out
organize school appointments, drs, dentist
organise all bills and paperwork
give lifts to teens when needed
deal with post

the thing is on reflection it’s probably my fault for allowing this and enabling him the easy life he has had 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

It is not your fault OP. Would any decent person act like he has? No they wouldn't, even if given the chance.

As you're new to the idea of being without him, I'd strongly recommend getting good solid legal advice and counselling to organise your thoughts and plans.

Especially as you say he can make you doubt yourself and feel like you're the unreasonable one. You're NOT x 100.

When DH separated from his exW he took legal advice and offered to let his exW stay in the marital home with the children but he was also advised that he doesn't pay for the home as well as his "new" home. You shouldn't be paying for the home as well as cms. You need to get legal advice and work out the best plan for the split. Courts can force him to sell and split the "family pot" fairly.

Yes. A good solicitor will put your interests first.

Should you not be getting half the rent paid by the lodger?

I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t need it in order to be able to afford to live…

I'd be making sure the mortgage payments went direct, certainly wouldn't trust him to keep them up.

@MMmomDD This and consult a solicitor. You need to protect your pension from the date of your separation.

Definitely move out to your Dad's asap.

Metaphorically your ex is going to hit a very big brick wall at full speed and I think the emotional fallout from the realisation you are divorcing him may be unbearable for him to live with OR he may flourish. This will not be known for a few months or even years after so do not decide what the next 4 years are going to look like yet you just don't know how it is all going to play out. However, do speak to your kids on your own after you and your ex have told them about the split. Make sure they are okay staying in the house with their Dad but be prepared that this may also change, who knows what the atmosphere is going to be like going forward. They may even want something different from the outset and if you don't even give them a safe place to express their feelings this may cause resentment further down the line and provide a seed which your ex can cultivate and grow in your absence from the home. I understand wanting to get everything in order and your ex being more pliable if you continue to support him however, your kids might not want to stay with him so you need to ask them directly and involve them.

The main thing is to not trap the kids in a living situation with their Dad they cannot get out of. Once you know how all the kids feel then you can plan the next 4 years. Regardless you are going to need to be able to afford a three-bedroom home or adapt your father's home to accommodate the kids should they decide they want to live with you in the future. Even though you will have some financial obligations for your ex you should not be overly generous to him you need to prioritise your kids and your future together. In time your ex will have to learn to fend for himself.

I do have empathy towards your ex and I sense that you also feel that things could have turned out differently if only he had done more to the house or contributed financially. He is the father of your children and it sounds like he has done a good job of the caretaking role. However, anyone can see that you have really tried to make it work and you deserve a secure and happy future.

Good luck. Your future with your kids going forward will be amazing.

Just because you don't need lodger income now doesn't mean you should forego it. Think of your retirement, your kids, the future. Control what you can

I do have empathy towards your ex and I sense that you also feel that things could have turned out differently if only he had done more to the house or contributed financially. He is the father of your children and it sounds like he has done a good job of the caretaking role. However, anyone can see that you have really tried to make it work and you deserve a secure and happy future.

To be honest although I know it’s the right thing to do (ie separating) I do have a sense of sadness as deep down feel that things could have turned out different and can honestly say our entire marriage hasn’t been bad.

like I said in my original post when it’s good it’s REALLY good but when it’s bad it’s intolerable.

However we have lived going round in circles for over a year and I feel that any promises now are just too late and I feel they unlikely to stick for the long term.

He is who he is and I am who I am….

what does Einstein say:

insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

i have a strange sense of doing the right thing for my future but it feels a bit bittersweet if that makes sense?

This

Can I suggest you pay your half of the mortgage and his half and deduct his half from the child maintenance payments. That way you guarantee it gets paid, I would not trust him with this. And I think your CMS payments wont go to the kids anyway and they will still end up coming to you for everything, so I would minimise what he can fritter or tuck away for himself.

What an extraordinarily selfish and incompetent man. But don't worry you are only 37, you have a good career and the rest of your life ahead of you. His well deserved future is not so bright.

And you are an amazing mum to have carried all this on your own for so long, you have set your children a fantastic example in the face of adversity (with a such a sad excuse for a partner). That will serve them well.

Although be prepared for your youngest to want to live with you in the not so distant future, I would get that house on the market as soon as the middle child is off. Sell it as it is, it will never be finished with him on the 'job'. Clean break asap.

I think you should consult a solicitor for advice. I am concerned that you will be paying half the mortgage, which I understand, but also CMS, whilst he keeps all the child benefit and the rent from the lodger. Have you used the CMS calculator to work out how much you should be paying, because if so, surely you should then deduct the amount of child benefit and rent from the amount of CMS you pay him?

Also, not to be too morbid, but if your Dad were to die, will legally separating from your H prevent him from claiming half of your father's estate?

Apologies if I'm talking rubbish and you have already taken advice on all of this.

My understanding is that if the kids live with him he is entitled to both CMS and child benefit, I don’t think you can deduct the amount of child benefit from CMS but will double check.

There are no issues with regards to my fathers estate. He lives in a property that a family member owns and they have no concerns about me moving in either.

So tomorrow we tell the kids…. Feeling a bit nervous.

have spent the evening at a friends tonight to get some space away.

he is still saying it’s not what he wants and regularly texting to say he loves me….

tell me this gets easier?