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Original poster

The beginning of the end???

94 replies

lostat37 · 27/08/2022 00:12

I have lurked on this page for years and must have read hundreds of posts but never posted my own story…… until now

Im not sure why now is my time to post? Maybe to validate my decision? Maybe to just get it down how I’m feeling? Or maybe to just tell the same story that I have ready so many times before 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

This is a long one so buckle in…..

I met my DH when I was 15…. 22 years later we have 3 children with the eldest going off to uni this year.

If I’m honest with myself things haven’t been right for years but for the last 12 months it has felt like I’m on a conveyor belt at yo sushi!!!

We have a relationship that when it’s good it’s really good but when it’s bad it’s intolerable.

Over the last few years the bad times are frequently outweighing the good.

If I’m honest I think that over the years a huge amount of resentment has grown (probably mainly from my side) I
have always been very career driven and consider like working.

My husband hasnt ever settled in a job and mainly always worked for family, he was a stay at home dad (minus the mental load which I continued to do) when the kids were little as it was cheaper than childcare but when the children got older he just didn’t ever want to go back to the workplace.

We tried to accommodate this by purchasing a property that required renovation with the plan for him to renovate it whilst I worked.

Nearly a decade later we are still living in practically a building site, no ceilings, lack of heating, temporary kitchen etc

It has got to the point that every argument and row has become very tit for tat and our relationship seems to be a
constant scoring exercise…. Classic examples well you didnt wash up so I’m not doing this or you didn’t get up at 8am so I’m not doing anything until 8am etc.

I continue to work full time whilst he continues to just potter around with no structure to his day.

Whenever I ask why the house isn’t done the response I get is ‘well I’m not sitting on my arse all day’!He won’t make a plan, won’t tell me when it will be finished etc. whenever I raise the subject I’m just accused of moaning or complaining.

He does zero of the mental load, does about 40% of the house work and zero financial contribution to our household.

However expects his share of what is left after household bills each month to stash away. This is HIS money and never gets touched, I am routinely dipping into my share to pay for holidays, birthdays, things the kids need etc.

His days are spent pottering, evenings going out with mates and the gym.

I keep thinking is this what my life has come to? And is it unadir that I now just want out?

I have discussed separation with him and his response is that if I’m not happy just go,

I have discussed selling up, buying something that is done and him getting a job…. His response is that you will just find something else to moan about.

I just feel lost…. I have spent my entire adult life with him but am really not happy…..I know I must go but a part of me is just worried of the unknown.

I’m sorry to ramble on and not really sure what I’m expecting from posting this.

I just feel so lost.

OP posts:
Sisiwawa · 04/09/2022 01:19

You sound amazing and strong.
Make sure the Seperation agreement lists what the CMS should cover, otherwise he'll still send then your way for things they need.
I really think you should ask the kids if they want to live with you or him, otherwise they may feel you're leaving them too. Could you afford to rent a flat if one ot two of them wanted to be with you? Sounds like they respect you a whole lot more. In years to come it would be sad if they felt you never gave them that choice and may affect your relationship with them. He's the problem, not them. They may hold it against you even if they say they understand your reasons.
Good luck.

dropthevipers · 04/09/2022 01:37

lostat37 · 04/09/2022 00:48

So tomorrow we tell the kids…. Feeling a bit nervous.

have spent the evening at a friends tonight to get some space away.

he is still saying it’s not what he wants and regularly texting to say he loves me….

tell me this gets easier?

Er, no. I think once he realises you are deadly serious about this and that living like a tramp on a budget is no longer an option I expect he will be more than slightly pissed off, which will be your fault. However, long term it will be better for both of you. Hang on to that thought.

alanabennett · 04/09/2022 01:43

MMmomDD · 27/08/2022 12:23

OP - you are only 37. At your age many women just finally settle down and are having a baby. You - have lived a full life and have almost finished raising your kids.
This is impressive!!!!

It is also very clear that you have outgrown your partner long time ago. You met at 15.
You were kids and fit together as kids.
If you met him now - you’d not given him half a chance.

Most importantly - you have a long life ahead of you. And you are still young. And, you don’t have your biological clock ticking. You can be free and meet a new partner - if that is what you’d like. Or you can just live
for yourself and enjoy life. You can do pretty much anything you want.

You just need to finally find a little bit more strength and accept what you know. You need to separate - sell the house, divide what assets there are and start your new life. Your H is useless and he is using you.
He’ll never change.

Completely agree

alanabennett · 04/09/2022 01:47

Congratulations on making these positive first steps!

StClare101 · 04/09/2022 02:24

Please engage a solicitor before negotiating with him any further!

Good for you for putting a plan in place.

pointythings · 04/09/2022 10:21

In the short term is is likely to get harder. My late husband became a horror to cope with once he realised I was serious about divorcing him (different situation, he was an alcoholic).

Long term it gets much, much easier. Once the new situation is in place, everything gets better because you don't have Millstone Man hanging around your neck any more.

Silvercurtains · 04/09/2022 19:27

how did it go today OP?

Original poster
lostat37 · 04/09/2022 19:42

So told the kids… responses we had

I was expecting it… can I go back on the xbox

I had an idea this was going to happen, nothing I can do to change it, as long as your both happy.

im moving to uni so it doesn’t affect me but could see it coming.

two youngest want to stay at home.

OP posts:
Silvercurtains · 04/09/2022 19:56

Surely those responses make you more confident that you’ve made the right decision.

TooHotToTangoToo · 04/09/2022 20:21

Please speak to a solicitor op. Financially you need to provide for your dc (child maint), I'd pay the 18yr old their share directly so they have it for uni. If you're not living in the marital home you don't have to pay the mortgage, but you will still be entitled to your share of the equity. I don't see why you should give him enough so he doesn't have to work. He needs to get himself a job if he doesn't want to move out if the home

Original poster
lostat37 · 04/09/2022 20:31

TooHotToTangoToo · 04/09/2022 20:21

Please speak to a solicitor op. Financially you need to provide for your dc (child maint), I'd pay the 18yr old their share directly so they have it for uni. If you're not living in the marital home you don't have to pay the mortgage, but you will still be entitled to your share of the equity. I don't see why you should give him enough so he doesn't have to work. He needs to get himself a job if he doesn't want to move out if the home

Would I only be entitled to the equity of what the house is worth when I leave or when it sells?

iE in four years time it could be worth more than now more so if he pulls his finger out and does the refurb.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 04/09/2022 22:51

If it was a joint purchase (sorry can't remember if you've mentioned that) then you're entitled to equity when it sells as you will presumably still be on the mortgage. However I would push hard to sell now, he's not suddenly going to change and start doing it up. He could string you along for years more promising that. Agree with PP give your 18 year old their money directly.

TooHotToTangoToo · 05/09/2022 08:06

*Would I only be entitled to the equity of what the house is worth when I leave or when it sells?

iE in four years time it could be worth more than now more so if he pulls his finger out and does the refurb*

You could sign a deed of trust which means you get a % of the equity as the house is now (vis a solicitor). Or you don't sign anything and still don't pay the mortgage or refurb and you'd still be entitled to a % of the equity at the time you either go to court or you sell.

If he does nothing, In his shoes he'd be wise to do the former. He could argue in the courts that you'd not paid the mortgage or any of the refurbishment, however the law means, unless he tied it up legally now, you could swoop in, in 25 years time, after he's paid off the mortgage and done the refurbishments, and be awarded 50% of the full value of the house at that time. This is why you need legal advice. It might seem expensive, but it will ensure EVERYONE gets a fair and final settlement which can't be disputed in 20/30 years time.

Another thing to remember is he's capable of getting a job now, as the dc are at school. If he used this as a reason to try and take more of the marital assets in a court, and say he 'can't work due to the dc, a judge would expect him to take a job to provide for the dc, even as the resident parent.

I completely understand why you feel you need to continue to fund his lifestyle as it stands at the moment, but you don't have to fund his sahp status. None of the dc have additional needs so he could, and should work. You are responsible towards your dc and need to provide for them, and you also have a responsibility to provide for yourself, but when separated and divorced you don't have a responsibility for him.

Original poster
lostat37 · 06/10/2022 19:57

I thought I would provide a quick update….. today I moved out 😃😃

I have moved into a lovely rented house and tonight is my first night alone.

I'm actually feeling strange but ok about it all.

OP posts:
Shittytittybangbang · 06/10/2022 20:15

Enjoy your time alone- and make space for kids if they want to come.

Original poster
lostat37 · 06/10/2022 20:36

I see the kids daily and they know they are more than welcome when we they want. they are popping in tomorrow after school 😍

Its so amazing what living in a finished an chaos free house can do for the mind. I’m feeling more chilled already 😂

OP posts:
America12 · 06/10/2022 20:47

Fantastic news @lostat37 it's bliss.

PussInBin20 · 06/10/2022 21:01

Ahh congratulations - I feel relieved on your behalf.
Enjoy your new life!

LimpBiskit · 06/10/2022 21:16

Kick the lazy fucker out.

LimpBiskit · 06/10/2022 21:17

Sorry, just read update. Well done!

Aggypanthus · 06/10/2022 21:23

OP Some of your responses do not make sense.
Stop giving him money when he does nothing. Just stop. The money you do not give will surely be used for bills and extras?
You say you are looking at your contributions to the mortgage? Surely it is your mortgage? If he has no money of his own and sponges off you??

Aggypanthus · 06/10/2022 21:24

Whoops also missed your last post. Glad to read it. What a horror of a man

Thatnameistaken · 06/10/2022 21:28

So glad you've got things rolling. Don't be surprised if the kids want to move into your chaos free home with you eventually

VeridicalVagabond · 06/10/2022 21:35

Congratulations OP! Enjoy your freedom, I'd say you've earned it!

VioletVesper · 06/10/2022 21:39

Well done OP, I am glad you are feeling happier :-)