Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men who leave their family

98 replies

Whereisthelove2 · 26/08/2022 23:58

Do these men ever regret leaving? All of the unnecessary nastiness? Not seeing their children? Not helping financially? Or do they move on to freedom and happiness?

I’ve been separated for a long time now, i got hurt and can’t quite believe who he became. He seemed to move on from woman to woman and never looked back. Now he is in a relationship and hasn’t seen or contacted his children in months. How can men abandon their children?

So many questions, no answers.

OP posts:
FlyingSaucerss · 27/08/2022 00:02

No I don’t think they care, my ex is out there living his best life hasn’t seen the kids since January 2021 🤦🏻

CandyLeBonBon · 27/08/2022 00:03

I don't know op. I never met my dad. I was 18 months when they split up. I've never really understood how some people can just walk away like that. Flowers

Japanesejazz · 27/08/2022 00:03

It’s easier to move on without baggage
I feel for the vulnerable women who fall for the line “I don’t have contact with my children because of my ex, or I don’t know why my children don’t want to see me “

Aria2015 · 27/08/2022 00:08

My dad left. He's rewritten history and also
Seemingly in denial. Tries to take credit for every accomplishment his kids have despite never being around. I've come to the conclusion, he's delusional. He might fool his friends etc.. but he doesn't fool his actual
Kids and those that love us. I used to want soooo badly for him to really 'get' what he's missed but now I've made peace with it. He may not know it or want to see it, but his life is not as rich as he thinks. My mum has her kids and grandkids love and devotion, she'll never know loneliness but he just might...

FlyingSaucerss · 27/08/2022 00:40

It’s out of sight out of mind usually, my ex has openly told me he doesn’t tell new women he has children

Seeinglightthroughallhisbullshit · 27/08/2022 00:53

Why waste another minute even thinking about men like this? Just move on up, be glad you had a lucky escape and make the best of your situation.

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/08/2022 00:58

The man who left my family told everyone he'd been thrown out.Confused It made life more difficult than it needed to be for me/our son/the ilnlaws at the time.

He couldn't and still can't deal with the truth. He can't face reality, it would destroy his identity. He thinks he's a nice guy, but what he did to his son, me and his parents was nasty as fuck with nasty sprinkles on top.

So he lies. And he believes each lie he tells.

RainbowToucan · 27/08/2022 01:12

I don’t know how these men can do it. Deep down there is a coldness, they are dead inside. They pretend they’re not but they are. It’s chilling.

My ex sees the kids in order to maintain appearances but doesn’t care about how they actually are, their education etc. He makes no input to their upbringing. No fatherly guidance. Nothing.

ImNotGreta · 27/08/2022 01:14

Why specifically men?

My mother walked out when I was a toddler, she just didn’t like how having children crammed her social life, so left and never came back.

JacquelineCarlyle · 27/08/2022 01:17

I'd say freedom & happiness Op, as unfair as that is! I also find it completely mind-boggling how they do it, but they seem to manage just fine which is why I say freedom & happiness.

I do, however, believe that karma will get them eventually & they'll end up old & lonely (but who knows!)

blockpavingismynightmare · 27/08/2022 01:18

My husband left us and never looked back. He knows his children but appears unconcerned about their lives. I have never tried to stop them from seeing them and even now when they have children of their own he is not interested. What a twat.

FlyingSaucerss · 27/08/2022 01:22

ImNotGreta · 27/08/2022 01:14

Why specifically men?

My mother walked out when I was a toddler, she just didn’t like how having children crammed her social life, so left and never came back.

Probably because the vast majority of absent parents are men, 90% of RP are women.

ImNotGreta · 27/08/2022 01:23

FlyingSaucerss · 27/08/2022 01:22

Probably because the vast majority of absent parents are men, 90% of RP are women.

Show quote history

So we just don’t care about the 10% of us whose mothers leave then?

Lovely.

agoria · 27/08/2022 01:24

My ex and I seperated 5.5 years ago.(still not divorced)
He was like a ghost dad. My child spent 5 years calling him everyday and sending messages. He saw them, didn't reply.
He was in a relationship with another woman he met afterwards for 3 years. She knew he had kids. Never once did he contact the kids.

He wanted to settle down with her , build a life with her .

My son got seriously ill and I located him. The kids entered his life again and I did not limit any contact. She dumped him after 1 month because she was fed up of my kids in his life, seeing him at the weekend, skyping him everyday.

Yes, this woman had been in. a relationship for 3 years and bolted as soon as his kids appeared on the scene. (For those who always say the ex wife is unreasonable for letting her children meet the ex H girIfriend ....can you imagine if my kids had met her, and then she dumped them as well... you would think she would stick with him after 3 yeears...nope..) I think she was the one who never encouraged him to see his kids, and had her own agenda. He blames me for her leaving !
Now he spends time with his kids.

thatisnotyours · 27/08/2022 01:29

I care, and I'm sorry that happened to you. Women can be just as awful as men.

agoria · 27/08/2022 01:35

Still not divorced. Haven't started paperwork. I really don't care to be honest . I had to work so hard to save money to improve my life, and don't want to waste it on lawyers
Their dad never gave any money for 5 years but I am sure he spent lots on the wonderful girlfriend who bolted. And she bolted when she realized he was giving a hefty chunk of his salary to his sons as maintenance. He never gave any $$ before, but has started to since he got back into contact with the kids. I don't limit how much time he sees them. He sees them 3 whole days a week. I see it as a welcome break for my sanity. Pick your fights. At times it has been exasperating because it is still toxic, and he is. their dad but he doesn't know how to be a parent and is like living the single bachelor life.

itsnotdeep · 27/08/2022 06:18

@ImNotGreta 10% of mothers don't walk out. That 10% includes a considerable amount of widowers. Very few mothers walk out - the percentage is tiny. It is men who leave their families and why can't we talk about this?

category12 · 27/08/2022 06:31

agoria · 27/08/2022 01:35

Still not divorced. Haven't started paperwork. I really don't care to be honest . I had to work so hard to save money to improve my life, and don't want to waste it on lawyers
Their dad never gave any money for 5 years but I am sure he spent lots on the wonderful girlfriend who bolted. And she bolted when she realized he was giving a hefty chunk of his salary to his sons as maintenance. He never gave any $$ before, but has started to since he got back into contact with the kids. I don't limit how much time he sees them. He sees them 3 whole days a week. I see it as a welcome break for my sanity. Pick your fights. At times it has been exasperating because it is still toxic, and he is. their dad but he doesn't know how to be a parent and is like living the single bachelor life.

Wouldn't it complicate things legally/financially if you were (god forbid) to die while still married?

If he'd just accept a divorce, you wouldn't necessarily need solicitors, could maybe do it yourself for the court fees.

autocollantes · 27/08/2022 06:44

These are some of the most entitled men around.

I think they should be prosecuted for neglect. The state/law/society openly admits that mothers* can be left with all the work. If the single mother then found it too much and left, even though she was doing at least twice what he'd ever done, she'd be arrested.

Saying that, the flip side is that these men are such arseholes that it can be easier when they're out of the picture.

*I know a mother who left. She was divorced with shared custody, vulnerable, pregnant to another man and heavily manipulated by him (horrific man who delighted in her suffering). But that made zero difference to the kids she left behind. I think it's even worse when your mother leaves (my father disappeared and that was bad enough), because it contravenes social expectations. And it's the kids left to deal with it, not the mother as everybody assumes she has no kids if she's never seen with them or talking about them. And then there's often the internalised shame that the children feel because nobody expects a mother to leave. It's worth it's own thread really. I don't think a father and a mother leaving are the same because our society is so deeply steeped in expectations of motherhood.

twinpeaks9 · 27/08/2022 07:02

Wouldn't it complicate things legally/financially if you were (god forbid) to die while still married?

If he'd just accept a divorce, you wouldn't necessarily need solicitors, could maybe do it yourself for the court fees.

I am not asking any alimony from him. We have both agreed that we sell the house and all proceeds go into a trust for the kids' education. (minus the amount of backpayment he owes me for maintenance).

And we both want to avoid solicitors and do our agreement.

Right now focus is on the kids. Right now the kids are having a lot to deal with emotionally and always worry he will disappear again. Doesn't help that when he was taking them out, the young kids read his text messages to his OW ( OW who says I have a bad reputation from asking around town...and that is her reason for her breaking up with him in case I go after her. WTF !)
So yes, he is spending time with the kid, 3 whole days and they come back alive... but at times he did not feed them which pisses me off)

The kids always worry he will disappear again

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/08/2022 07:03

I always felt that many men had children because their wives wanted children. If the choice were left to them,many men would not have any. The children are like pets. When the marriage ends, she gets the pets (kids) because she wanted them. That's why men expect the wives to do all the feeding, changing, getting it to sleep, etc. It's her responsibility because it's her pet.

twinpeaks9 · 27/08/2022 07:08

Having said that, the situation is improving (after I have to do my riot act of him bringing the kids back at 11.30PM when they are supposed to be back at 9 pm) and not calling me to let me know where they are or late. So it is like parenting the parent sometimes.

Fireflygal · 27/08/2022 07:09

@Aria2015, Your Dad's behaviour is very similar to Ex. He is selfish but also appears completely deluded - which is a psychological defence to avoid taking responsibility.

In my children's case their Dad went off with an older and much wealthier woman. Our children just dont fit with his desired lifestyle so contact is extremely limited. To avoid taking responsibility and to maintain his image he lies (to his friends & family) about his involvement with his children.

An example, doesn't see them for months but suddenly the children may get a call and it later transpires there is someone in the background that he wants to impress with Dad credentials.

He also has a victim narrative. If he doesn't see the children then be blames me for controlling them.

Ex has a personality disorder (NPD) which "explains" why he is able to lie/manipulate/show no empathy. I don't think that emotionally healthy individuals leave their children which is why it's a major red flag to be involved with a man or woman who leaves their children.

category12 · 27/08/2022 07:12

@twinpeaks9 Yes, but that was my point- if you're both agreed on what you want to do with the kids and finances, couldn't you divorce amicably without the involvement of solicitors (other than maybe to check over what you agree). Otherwise if you stay married, it does have legal/financial implications, doesn't it?

(Although if you're talking about "alimony" maybe you're not UK based in which case what I'm saying is probably irrelevant.)

MaitlandGirl · 27/08/2022 07:15

My ex left me and our 3 children (I kicked him out) and he never looked back. He’d been cheating so moved straight into a new relationship. He saw the kids half a dozen times over the next year then stopped and hasn’t bothered since.

He married the woman he’d cheated on me with, had 3 kids with her and surprise surprise - cheated again! This time he left England and moved to Australia (where weirdly I now live with our 3 kids!). He hasn’t seen my children for nearly 17 years and his other 3 children for nearly 3 years. He literally left them a note saying he was going to kill himself and got on a flight to be with his affair partner. Luckily his wife knew he was a lying sack of shit and had been cheating on her so could reassure their children he wasn’t actually dead.

From what I’ve heard he’s miserable - stuck in a relationship that isn’t what he thought it was, unable to leave the country and unwelcome back in England. His entire family hates him and he doesn’t have any contact with anyone who knew him in England. This is what he does - he leaves, dumps everyone who can prove him to be a liar and rewrites history to suit himself.

He’s going to die a miserable old man who has no real, deep connections with anyone and who has half a dozen kids who don’t want anything to do with him. I hope it was worth it.