Men who leave their family

[Whereisthelove2]

Do these men ever regret leaving? All of the unnecessary nastiness? Not seeing their children? Not helping financially? Or do they move on to freedom and happiness?

I’ve been separated for a long time now, i got hurt and can’t quite believe who he became. He seemed to move on from woman to woman and never looked back. Now he is in a relationship and hasn’t seen or contacted his children in months. How can men abandon their children?

So many questions, no answers.

My DS "father" is a sorry sight these days. He is clearly mentally ill. He;s a hoarder and he isn't happy. He can't hold down a relationship and his life is perpetual chaos. I just feel sorry for him.

It is men who leave their families and why can't we talk about this?

‘Statistically more women are lone parents than men’

All those other circumstances mentioned apply the other way too, as well as the fact that even if a woman is leaving the relationship, she was likely to get care of the children historically so the fact that more kids live with mum doesn’t mean that the dads left the family.

Im no fan of men who don’t have anything to do with their kids but using statistics around who lives with who is irrelevant in this context and certainly a shorty way of shutting down someone’s lived experience

*shitty not shorty!

whilst I accept that there are many situations where a man does just walk away, I personally know of two scenarios where the parental alienation had been so severe that the men are not sure they will ever have a good relationship with their children again.
Women need to be careful not to project their hated and disgust onto their children and this can be very hard, especially if cheated on.

I think my dad regretted it when his life didn’t pan out the way he wanted it to and the rest of us are doing ok

My DH left me and our children recently. I offered to try counselling but after 10 years marriage he said no. I've tried to tell him he may terribly regret this one day but he can't/won't see it. I think a lot of men love for the now (especially my DH) he's never really been a planner or looked to the future. All he knows is he js unhappy now - not the high probability that he will be more unhappy in the future with the decision he has made

I did feel very angry towards him. Now I feel awfully sad. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion

I can't see how he will maintain the same (equal?) relationship with his children - he is leaving because he openly said he was struggling with the demand of family life

when women choose to end a marriage they tend to want to keep the children and lose the man. You'll find lots of posts about how ex's use their children to against their ex partner, demanding he takes them when its convenient for her. It's not all one way traffic.

Specifically men because men are far far more likely to leave their wife and children than women are to leave their husband and children
look at the stats - over 80% of single parents are women

If it helps at all, my dad did the same, he's now old, frail, in ill health living in shared accommodation.
I've not seen him for years, nor has my brother. I doubt he'll see us before he dies.
They reap what they sow.

It’s got nothing to do with not caring about that 10 percent who’s mothers leave . It’s about recognising that statistically men are FAR Mire likley to do so and result in bigger numbers of left women and children … over all men are much worse as a group
Despite the fact anyone can be affected by a parent father or mother leaving we are not talking about individual cases , one percent , 10 percent or even 15 percent . We are talking about patterns and who are the predominate offenders of this behaviour

just like when we talk about rapes and homicides men are the main perpetrators

Sure being a single parent doesn’t mean the other partner left however If we look at single parents who were left with children it’s STILL far far more heavily weighed towards women

I left my x because he was verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, financially abusive and if I stood up for myself, physically abusive. But I can tell you that 15 years after leaving him, he is still so angry with me for leaving that he cannot forgive me.

DH was previously in an abusive relationship (I know this for sure, as I ended up being on the receiving end too) and left when his daughter was a baby. Despite the hassle, tension, huge costs and emotional stress, he maintained and fought for contact with his daughter. If he had walked away I wouldn't have been interested in him at all.

My ex liked the first flush of being in love.
He actually got engaged to the OW so she would let him move in. He trade down and admitted it, but she was the only person who flirted with him, he was ill at the time and couldn't have sex ever again. He stayed with her for ages, we stayed friends and I watched him constantly try to find a new love, but no one wanted him so he was stuck, as he would Never finish a relationship if he didn't already have a new one lined up. He offered to marry me if I took him back.

Again it’s far more complex than that, a broad statistic doesn’t give you the information about what happened, just the current situation. You can’t say for sure what this statistic means which is why it’s so important to not just report a figure and extrapolate from that.

I think because it is easier for men to do it. They know their female partner will pick up the slack and care for the children.

I do think though that there people who are just not cut out to have children. I just wish they realised that early on or that society did not always push the idea that having kids should be a goal in everyone's life. Or sometimes because a woman wants kids she will ignore red flags and it is almost inevitable that a man who was too immature or not keen on having children was always going to bolt when faced with the reality of having a family.

My ex did the same and I often wonder if he regrets how he treated our kids? He basically dumped them and immediately had two more. The first one was whilst I was still married to him!
As our kids got older, they both now realize that he's a sociopath and lies through his teeth. Whenever he comes up in conversation, it's like referring to a petulant 5 year old and everyone just raises their eyebrows and rolls their eyeballs.
He's made an absolute sham of his life and although my kids love him, they have no respect for him and really just see him as an elderly alcoholic distant uncle.
Dick.

Thank you for all of your replies and those who shared their experiences from having a Dad similar to my ex. It is reassuring because I hope my children will grow up and know this is not a normal way for a man/father to behave too.

I still love him, don’t understand why he left and cannot believe all he went on to do or how he couldn’t care less about his children. It’s hard to see them hurting and being rejected by their own Dad.

Similar to others experiences he seems delusional and to believe his own lies. He thinks we should not speak at all because we are separated. He doesn’t ask about the children or appear to be interested in their lives.

His latest girlfriend has children so I do wonder how anybody would want to be with a man to leaves his children. Would you not encourage him to contact his children? (Not that he should need this, he is an adult and it should be a given)

I mean love who he used to be, not the person he is now.

Raising kids is extremely inconvenient and men don't seem to get the nesting urges that a lot of women get.

We also have a society that tacitly enables it.
It's impossible for the ultimate power over sex leading children to rest with women without the feeling that the ultimate responsibility also lays with women.

Our laws and social attitude to absentee fathers leads on from this.

Raising kids is extremely inconvenient and men don't seem to get the nesting urges that a lot of women get.

A lot of men do but it's never really been socially acceptable. Men are now being allowed to adopt in some instances, but it will take more social movement to become more of a norm. Women can happily have children on their own, a privilege not given to men. OH was main carer for our two and was often met with either suspicion by women or completely the opposite 'he must be wonderful' when in fact he was just a dad looking after his girls.

As someone who had worked with single parents I’m interested to know why you think actual statistics about women being abandoned in pregnancy , in the early years of raising children being abused by men and finding themselves single parents don’t represent ‘the reality’ ?just curious as to how you come to this conclusion. Do you claim these women are lying. Delusional?that men don’t beat women lot whole lot more often than vice versa ? That male non custodial parare not the ones who are usual more Likely to not see or pay or take equal parenting responsibility for children by CHOICE

You imply that women are taking the children and men are innocent victims . The reality is women are often EXPECTED to be the main care givers from birth and many many fathers build careers that they don’t want interrupted by sharing custody

the stats showing All this are everywhere
can you show us stats to support why these women are all lying or what’s more complex?

i can assure you that the thousands of women left during pregnancy , those with young children or even abused or even the women who’s partners move on with new women to start family 2.0 and don’t want the interference or financial responsibility of the children don’t see it as ‘ more complex than that ‘

fact is still the fact some men might want children but MANY don’t want the responsibility

as for
women having the privilege to have children and men not having that … ? Men have the privilege to impregnate women and take no responsibility for those children with no social judgement , pregnancy or restriction to their lifestyle
thr have the priviledge to go to work and not be asked who is looking after your kids
they have the privilege of not being judged as not masculine if they choose not to have children
the privilege to be seen as amazing dads for doing the bare minimum of ‘looking after ‘ ( often seen as babysitting ) their own children whilst women recieve zero recognition
single mum - looked down on , single dad - og what a great guy
the list goes on and on

I've been left by 2 different men during my pregnancies, and my own dad walked out too. 2 of 3 of them are living their best lives with new families. The third is still VERY new, but I imagine he'd be settled with someone by next year. Pretty sure none of them regret it

Not only their morals but how can it be acceptable by law to walk out on your family and not see your children/parental duties? In my case, children were both planned and he wanted. Now years on it’s too much hassle for him and he wants a life of working whenever he pleases, gym, eating out, socialising in bars/nightclubs, holidays. Don’t they think of how the children feel? And they should be made to at least financially contribute. Too many loop holes with CMS!