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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Men who leave their family

98 replies

Whereisthelove2 · 26/08/2022 23:58

Do these men ever regret leaving? All of the unnecessary nastiness? Not seeing their children? Not helping financially? Or do they move on to freedom and happiness?

I’ve been separated for a long time now, i got hurt and can’t quite believe who he became. He seemed to move on from woman to woman and never looked back. Now he is in a relationship and hasn’t seen or contacted his children in months. How can men abandon their children?

So many questions, no answers.

OP posts:
MsPincher · 27/08/2022 19:45

My dad left and I never saw him again. It’s all too common for men of his generation. I think a lot of it is societal expectations. Being a parent is a hard slog and with society all too eager to excuse mens parental failings it tempting for them to bugger off. I think things are changing now.

Newgirls · 27/08/2022 19:55

I think men put their own needs first. If the marriage and kids mean they are sidelined/broke/lacking attention or whatever they can feel totally justified in leaving. Sadly seen this in men of all ages particularly the older ones (my dad…).

kids that fit their needs (into football, clever etc) might have a longer appeal.

not all men of course - but some we have observed over years

5128gap · 27/08/2022 20:49

It depends how it pans out for them. If the relationship they leave for works out, they probably don't give the previous one much thought. I think some miss their children, but tend to blame that on their ex being unreasonable about contact rather than on themselves for leaving.

carrieraircon · 28/08/2022 02:51

Yes, society makes it more acceptable for men to leave.

If a man leaves his wife and kids, or stops seeing his children, he can still socialize with his mates, and accepted by all those around him. Some other single woman would buy into his crap and feel sympathetic for him, and wants to have a long term relationshp with him,marriage,kids etc.

If a woman left her kids, she would be ostracised and unlikely and man would want to build a solid long term relationship with her.

When a man leaves the family and partner, the next woman who comes along and all his mates automatically label his ex as crazy.

When a woman leaves without her kids and family, does the ex-partner/ex-H get labelled "crazy"by society ?

BigFatLiar · 28/08/2022 08:51

Perhaps the some of those men are in shit relationships.

There was a colleague of DH who was actually afraid of his wife. She was smaller than him but what a temper. I remember being at a leaving do and him hiding in the cellar when someone said his wife was coming. Don't think there was anyone there who would stand up to her. He sneaked out to try and get home before her. It was only just after 5 and they lived nearby so hardly out late (not allowed). He wouldn't leave as he wouldn't leave the children. Strangely she was seen as a pillar of the local church and amazing mum by a lot of people.

user1471538283 · 28/08/2022 09:23

I think some men and women cannot separate the partner from the child. My ex left and never looked back except to tell me that my bf rather than him should support our child because he supported other mens children (doubt that but this is his way of thinking).

My DS has been and always will be my priority. I ju

Yukkityyak · 28/08/2022 10:46

BigFatLiar · 28/08/2022 08:51

Perhaps the some of those men are in shit relationships.

There was a colleague of DH who was actually afraid of his wife. She was smaller than him but what a temper. I remember being at a leaving do and him hiding in the cellar when someone said his wife was coming. Don't think there was anyone there who would stand up to her. He sneaked out to try and get home before her. It was only just after 5 and they lived nearby so hardly out late (not allowed). He wouldn't leave as he wouldn't leave the children. Strangely she was seen as a pillar of the local church and amazing mum by a lot of people.

So what percentage of men do you think are afraid of their wives compared to the other way round
what percentage of men who abandon their wives and children to you guess it’s is compared to wome. Who end up single parents through dv
im guessing the number of men who leave thru fear is infinitely small compared to women

category12 · 28/08/2022 10:51

BigFatLiar · 28/08/2022 08:51

Perhaps the some of those men are in shit relationships.

There was a colleague of DH who was actually afraid of his wife. She was smaller than him but what a temper. I remember being at a leaving do and him hiding in the cellar when someone said his wife was coming. Don't think there was anyone there who would stand up to her. He sneaked out to try and get home before her. It was only just after 5 and they lived nearby so hardly out late (not allowed). He wouldn't leave as he wouldn't leave the children. Strangely she was seen as a pillar of the local church and amazing mum by a lot of people.

Such terrible fearsome wives they just leave vulnerable children with?

Feart · 28/08/2022 12:31

vdbfamily · 27/08/2022 07:36

whilst I accept that there are many situations where a man does just walk away, I personally know of two scenarios where the parental alienation had been so severe that the men are not sure they will ever have a good relationship with their children again.
Women need to be careful not to project their hated and disgust onto their children and this can be very hard, especially if cheated on.

This!
I know of a few women who openly criticise their ex but in reality they are the ones who turn the DC against the ex and actively put obstacles in the way of any contact. This is just as bad in my opinion.

PaterPower · 28/08/2022 12:43

Such terrible fearsome wives they just leave vulnerable children with?

Says someone who’s clearly not been through the grinders of the family “justice” system as a man.

An ex I was with for three years turned physically abusive for the last 6 months or so of the relationship. I stayed in that for 5.5 months too long, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.

Had we had kids, I would like to think I’d have stayed until they were adults, regardless of what she put me through. Because being “around” might have mitigated harm to them and because I had been thoroughly disabused of the notion that the police or the criminal justice system cared one jot about men in my (then) situation.

But she was ramping up into ever more batshit behaviour, so who knows? I may have ended up with no choice but to get out, and other men in the same situation might have to leave for their mental and physical well-being.

As it was, that ex very nearly cost me my job at the time. She caused problems within co-workers relationships by claiming (and to be clear, with no foundation) that said colleagues (multiple) were having affairs with me. She also claimed we were married. That’s on top of the physical injuries she inflicted on me.

As an aside, my uncle was left with his wife’s two kids (not his by blood), as well as his own child by her, when she ran off with the OM. My exW’s uncle’s wife also ran off with OM and left their two with him. She had very little contact with them until they were adults.

category12 · 28/08/2022 13:00

PaterPower · 28/08/2022 12:43

Such terrible fearsome wives they just leave vulnerable children with?

Says someone who’s clearly not been through the grinders of the family “justice” system as a man.

An ex I was with for three years turned physically abusive for the last 6 months or so of the relationship. I stayed in that for 5.5 months too long, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.

Had we had kids, I would like to think I’d have stayed until they were adults, regardless of what she put me through. Because being “around” might have mitigated harm to them and because I had been thoroughly disabused of the notion that the police or the criminal justice system cared one jot about men in my (then) situation.

But she was ramping up into ever more batshit behaviour, so who knows? I may have ended up with no choice but to get out, and other men in the same situation might have to leave for their mental and physical well-being.

As it was, that ex very nearly cost me my job at the time. She caused problems within co-workers relationships by claiming (and to be clear, with no foundation) that said colleagues (multiple) were having affairs with me. She also claimed we were married. That’s on top of the physical injuries she inflicted on me.

As an aside, my uncle was left with his wife’s two kids (not his by blood), as well as his own child by her, when she ran off with the OM. My exW’s uncle’s wife also ran off with OM and left their two with him. She had very little contact with them until they were adults.

I understood the topic to be going out of contact with the children from a relationship.

I can understand men or women leaving abusive relationships and not being seen for dust when there are no children involved. And I wouldn't recommend or advise anyone stay in an abusive relationship for the children, even if they can't get residency of them - but to just cut ties with the children and disappear from their lives?

BigFatLiar · 28/08/2022 16:13

category12 · 28/08/2022 10:51

Such terrible fearsome wives they just leave vulnerable children with?

A lot of people thought it funny! Great big man scared by a little woman.
He didn't leave her, at least while he was there she was focusing her anger on him. They had a son and a daughter, the son was pretty withdrawn and the daughter a bully (they were fairly local to us). While it's easy to guffaw about his situation I suspect a lot of abuse victims just find themselves in a situation and put up with it as that's what their life is like.

Fifife · 28/08/2022 16:20

If me and my OH split, I would insist on 50/50 custody she's 9 he doesn't get to walk away from parenting and if I had full custody it would impact on my earning ability. So I will forgo maintenance so I can have a life.

category12 · 28/08/2022 16:22

Fifife · 28/08/2022 16:20

If me and my OH split, I would insist on 50/50 custody she's 9 he doesn't get to walk away from parenting and if I had full custody it would impact on my earning ability. So I will forgo maintenance so I can have a life.

Good luck with that 😁You can't actually make someone do 50/50 if they don't want to.

Fifife · 28/08/2022 16:25

category12 · 28/08/2022 16:22

Good luck with that 😁You can't actually make someone do 50/50 if they don't want to.

I think he would now she's older but a baby/toddler age no way 🤣🤣

Justmeandme19 · 28/08/2022 16:38

Fifefe. It's really not that simple. Unless you have been there it's hard to understand.
The other issue is, would you really want your child to spend 50% of their time with a parent who didn't want them?? I don't think that's in any child's best interest.

SpinningFloppa · 28/08/2022 16:49

Fifife · 28/08/2022 16:20

If me and my OH split, I would insist on 50/50 custody she's 9 he doesn't get to walk away from parenting and if I had full custody it would impact on my earning ability. So I will forgo maintenance so I can have a life.

My ex moved two hours away, not sure how you can insist on it anyway as they just wouldn’t turned up if they didn’t want to?

stayinghometoday · 28/08/2022 17:53

@ImNotGreta

*So we just don’t care about the 10% of us whose mothers leave then?

Lovely.*

Of course we care. The majority of mumsnet posters are female and that's why a lot of them will complain about the dads (being former partners) walking out on their families. That doesn't mean that what happened to you is any different. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Milliemoo1908 · 28/08/2022 20:09

I called time on my marriage and we are currently waiting to exchange on two smaller properties, he can’t wait to live alone (family life proving too difficult for him poor thing) and I can’t wait to live without him!

Yukkityyak · 28/08/2022 21:27

PaterPower · 28/08/2022 12:43

Such terrible fearsome wives they just leave vulnerable children with?

Says someone who’s clearly not been through the grinders of the family “justice” system as a man.

An ex I was with for three years turned physically abusive for the last 6 months or so of the relationship. I stayed in that for 5.5 months too long, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.

Had we had kids, I would like to think I’d have stayed until they were adults, regardless of what she put me through. Because being “around” might have mitigated harm to them and because I had been thoroughly disabused of the notion that the police or the criminal justice system cared one jot about men in my (then) situation.

But she was ramping up into ever more batshit behaviour, so who knows? I may have ended up with no choice but to get out, and other men in the same situation might have to leave for their mental and physical well-being.

As it was, that ex very nearly cost me my job at the time. She caused problems within co-workers relationships by claiming (and to be clear, with no foundation) that said colleagues (multiple) were having affairs with me. She also claimed we were married. That’s on top of the physical injuries she inflicted on me.

As an aside, my uncle was left with his wife’s two kids (not his by blood), as well as his own child by her, when she ran off with the OM. My exW’s uncle’s wife also ran off with OM and left their two with him. She had very little contact with them until they were adults.

Unfortunately violence can be perpetrated by anyone however the vast majority is perpetrated by men towards women
women with black eyes broken homes and even very sadly murdered by men who are supposedly love then is a daily occurance
mad someone who has been through the court system as a woman !!!! It was horrendous !!! I had to fight like crazy to be heard and it wasn’t until he commit violence against someone else that I was

mas for your uncle being left with a child that isn’t his that’s not something happening frequently at all . Men being left with their own children is mich much less common than vice versa
Vast majority of of those left with children are women

Yukkityyak · 28/08/2022 21:32

BigFatLiar · 28/08/2022 16:13

A lot of people thought it funny! Great big man scared by a little woman.
He didn't leave her, at least while he was there she was focusing her anger on him. They had a son and a daughter, the son was pretty withdrawn and the daughter a bully (they were fairly local to us). While it's easy to guffaw about his situation I suspect a lot of abuse victims just find themselves in a situation and put up with it as that's what their life is like.

It’s not funny at all . No violence is
Yes it’s true millions of abuse victims do find themselves in the situation of staying . Often these women turn up in emergency dept and safehouses with severe injuries Open the papers and sadly we see many of these women eventually killed . It’s heartbreaking
it’s not a sometimes occurance , it’s happening an horrible rates .

SandieCollins · 29/08/2022 19:59

Yukkityyak · 27/08/2022 12:55

As someone who had worked with single parents I’m interested to know why you think actual statistics about women being abandoned in pregnancy , in the early years of raising children being abused by men and finding themselves single parents don’t represent ‘the reality’ ?just curious as to how you come to this conclusion. Do you claim these women are lying. Delusional?that men don’t beat women lot whole lot more often than vice versa ? That male non custodial parare not the ones who are usual more Likely to not see or pay or take equal parenting responsibility for children by CHOICE

You imply that women are taking the children and men are innocent victims . The reality is women are often EXPECTED to be the main care givers from birth and many many fathers build careers that they don’t want interrupted by sharing custody

the stats showing All this are everywhere
can you show us stats to support why these women are all lying or what’s more complex?

i can assure you that the thousands of women left during pregnancy , those with young children or even abused or even the women who’s partners move on with new women to start family 2.0 and don’t want the interference or financial responsibility of the children don’t see it as ‘ more complex than that ‘

You’re completely misrepresenting my posts. You talked about statistics relating to single parents, not anything relating to all those specific circumstances you have named. I haven’t said anyone is lying, purely that you listed a statistic which didn’t mean what you claimed it did.

I didn’t ‘imply’ anything. I pointed out that a statistic about the gender of single parents doesn’t represent the complexity of what’s actually happened. In fact none of the things listed in the post I’ve quoted are represented in a statistic about the gender of single parents.

You’re using statistics in an unhelpful way and now talking about your own personal experience, which is fine and I’m not arguing or disagreeing with that. I’m literally saying that the number you cited doesn’t mean what you said it does.

SandieCollins · 29/08/2022 20:13

category12 · 28/08/2022 10:51

Such terrible fearsome wives they just leave vulnerable children with?

I don’t understand what this comment means

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