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Original poster

Men who leave their family

98 replies

Whereisthelove2 · 26/08/2022 23:58

Do these men ever regret leaving? All of the unnecessary nastiness? Not seeing their children? Not helping financially? Or do they move on to freedom and happiness?

I’ve been separated for a long time now, i got hurt and can’t quite believe who he became. He seemed to move on from woman to woman and never looked back. Now he is in a relationship and hasn’t seen or contacted his children in months. How can men abandon their children?

So many questions, no answers.

OP posts:
itsnotdeep · 27/08/2022 14:14

it isn't 10% of women who leave. It is much less than that. Of that 10% of single parents who are men, the vast majority are widowed. And saying that is not at all dismissing anyone's lived experience. I know that women leave. It was in answer to the earlier posts saying "what about the women who leave". The answer is yes, women leave, but they are rarer.

Men leave because it's easy for them to do so. (I kind of think you need to distinguish between leaving a wife and leaving your children). Society makes it much harder for women to. There is much more judgment on a woman who does so. Men leave in their droves. It's easy for them to leave And no judgment. Why do women choose to get involved with a man who has abandoned his first family. Even have more children with them?

The state makes it too easy. We should at least make them pay. Ensure that the state doesn't let them off the hook over and over again. But the state is discriminatory and misogynistic against both women and single parents. So they get away with both leaving and then not maintaining their children.

Justmeandme19 · 27/08/2022 14:17

Tbh I think it's more about prioritising and about being able to put your child first. It's very easy to want and have a child but not so easy to maintain that life style.
So in my mind I honestly don't think it's about not loving the child, but more about lacking in unconditional love.
It's such a sad situation it really is, for my children and many many others.

badbaduncle · 27/08/2022 14:23

ImNotGreta · 27/08/2022 01:23

So we just don’t care about the 10% of us whose mothers leave then?

Lovely.

Show quote history

Why don't you start a thread about these very unusual women who abandon their families then? Every time someone starts a discussion about a group of men's poor behaviour - be it abandoning their children, being a predator or violence someone starts the whataboutery within the first page.

I sometimes give talks to groups about women's refuges and their are ALWAYS interruptions and 'whataboutmen' constantly. I also give talks about men who experience severe mh disorders - it NEVER EVER happens then.

floppybit · 27/08/2022 14:24

FlyingSaucerss · 27/08/2022 00:40

It’s out of sight out of mind usually, my ex has openly told me he doesn’t tell new women he has children

@FlyingSaucerss fucking hell, how depressing

BoviTraci · 27/08/2022 14:42

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/08/2022 00:58

The man who left my family told everyone he'd been thrown out.Confused It made life more difficult than it needed to be for me/our son/the ilnlaws at the time.

He couldn't and still can't deal with the truth. He can't face reality, it would destroy his identity. He thinks he's a nice guy, but what he did to his son, me and his parents was nasty as fuck with nasty sprinkles on top.

So he lies. And he believes each lie he tells.

A woman I know threw her husband out for a fling that came to nothing. The man had what he wanted and moved on . Her ex moved on with someone else quite quickly and she went round telling everyone he left her and the kids for another woman , Totally untrue but she painted him as a bad guy .

Terfydactyl · 27/08/2022 14:56

ImNotGreta · 27/08/2022 01:14

Why specifically men?

My mother walked out when I was a toddler, she just didn’t like how having children crammed her social life, so left and never came back.

I know two women who left the family home, officially they walked out, unofficially they were thrown out and the children used as weapons.

I cant even count how many men I know who have walked out.
It is still usually men who walk out on the family.
However if you think it's worth a discussion, please do start a thread.

whumpthereitis · 27/08/2022 14:58

Some of the reason less women walk out I imagine is because women are less likely to have children they don’t want. Women, rightly, have a choice as to whether or not they continue a pregnancy.

There’s no set rule, anyway. Some men may regret it, others not at all. Some will repeat the same actions, whereas there will be others that go on to have a new family they’re considered to be a good parent in. Others will remain without more children, with or without a relationship, alone or surrounded by loved ones. You can’t know the future, and ultimately there’s never a guarantee of ‘justice’. You can waste your life waiting for someone to get a comeuppance that will never materialise. The best you can do is focus on what you can control.

BigFatLiar · 27/08/2022 15:05

Her ex moved on with someone else quite quickly and she went round telling everyone he left her and the kids for another woman , Totally untrue but she painted him as a bad guy .

He's a man so he is the bad guy, that's his role in life.

BoviTraci · 27/08/2022 15:10

I think it seems more acceptable for a man to leave because most people assume the man has been kicked out.

Pyewhacket · 27/08/2022 15:12

ImNotGreta · 27/08/2022 01:14

Why specifically men?

My mother walked out when I was a toddler, she just didn’t like how having children crammed her social life, so left and never came back.

My mother was a martinet, quick to scold and even quicker with the back of her hand. At the age of 14 I came back to the UK to live with my grandparents. I haven't seen her since and I think we have spoken 2 or 3 times in 28 years. She never contributed a penny to my upbringing altho she has her own legal practice and I never got a single birthday or Christmas card or pressie. Go figure ?.

felulageller · 27/08/2022 15:21

Goodness knows what ex says to all his family/ friends about why he refused to ever even meet his DC.

I doubt his wife even knows her firstborn isn't his firstborn.

I imagine he's just created some awful story about me to cleanse his image.

I never even asked/ wanted anything from him. Not a penny. Thought he might want to see his DC from time to time but he didn't even want to do that.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Fing B*

Parky04 · 27/08/2022 15:34

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/08/2022 07:03

I always felt that many men had children because their wives wanted children. If the choice were left to them,many men would not have any. The children are like pets. When the marriage ends, she gets the pets (kids) because she wanted them. That's why men expect the wives to do all the feeding, changing, getting it to sleep, etc. It's her responsibility because it's her pet.

I agree with you. I wasn't fussed about having kids, but DW wanted them so I agreed. I'm glad I did and they have grown into lovely adults, but if left to me, I wouldn't have had them.

Pyewhacket · 27/08/2022 15:44

Parky04 · 27/08/2022 15:34

I agree with you. I wasn't fussed about having kids, but DW wanted them so I agreed. I'm glad I did and they have grown into lovely adults, but if left to me, I wouldn't have had them.

Show quote history

I think there is some truth to this. An awful lot of men just want a relationship. That they agree to kids, and marriage, is a concession to their partner and to maintain the relationship plus it's what society expects of them. But if they were totally honest about it, they never really wanted any of it.

OnaBegonia · 27/08/2022 15:49

Not just men, my friends mum dropped her, sister, brother at a neighbours and never came back.

BigFatLiar · 27/08/2022 15:58

OnaBegonia · 27/08/2022 15:49

Not just men, my friends mum dropped her, sister, brother at a neighbours and never came back.

I had a couple of cousins who were raised by my uncle after aunty vanished. I think it's just something people brush under the carpet. Women going a bit off the rails is (or was) seen as a bit of a joke.

carrieraircon · 27/08/2022 16:07

men who leave their kids and don't contact them will never admit it and always say that the wife stopped them from seeing their kids.

ex took the kids out today to meet his friends at some social function. KIds heard him bad mouth me that I stopped him from seeing them. Then they got into an argument and kids yelled : you abandonned us ! in front of all his friends.
He brought them back about to burst a gut complaining they were badly behaved, and that he wasn't going to see them the next day !

Hopeandlove · 27/08/2022 16:11

My ex said just before he left that he would be fine with seeing the kids once a month. In fact he came up with a great deal where he took them to the zoo once a month. Honestly doesn’t care. They interfere too much with his cycling.

He runs Saturday and Sunday mornings and cycling’s in the afternoon and honestly between full time work and his sport ge didn’t have time.

he once said to a judge CMS is like me paying a nanny though so I don’t mind that too much …🤔and £300 is cheaper than his nursery each month - he actually saw it as cheaper to give me CMS than pay for clubs etc

SecretVictoria · 27/08/2022 16:18

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/08/2022 07:03

I always felt that many men had children because their wives wanted children. If the choice were left to them,many men would not have any. The children are like pets. When the marriage ends, she gets the pets (kids) because she wanted them. That's why men expect the wives to do all the feeding, changing, getting it to sleep, etc. It's her responsibility because it's her pet.

I agree with this 100%. It’s what I was going to type, had I not been at work today. Most men simply aren’t that bothered about having kids, they do it because the woman wants to and they want their relationship. I think they genuinely love their wives/partners but don’t want kids.

SpinningFloppa · 27/08/2022 17:09

It’s funny because I made a thread the other week about most men not wanting children and most posters strongly disagreed

isthistheendtakeabreath · 27/08/2022 17:11

fact is still the fact some men might want children but MANY don’t want the responsibility

Agree with this and also I suspect DH only had children because I wanted them.

He openly said when he walked out me and 3 very young children recently that he couldn't handle family life and that's why he was leaving

Thereisnolight · 27/08/2022 17:13

badbaduncle · 27/08/2022 14:23

Why don't you start a thread about these very unusual women who abandon their families then? Every time someone starts a discussion about a group of men's poor behaviour - be it abandoning their children, being a predator or violence someone starts the whataboutery within the first page.

I sometimes give talks to groups about women's refuges and their are ALWAYS interruptions and 'whataboutmen' constantly. I also give talks about men who experience severe mh disorders - it NEVER EVER happens then.

Show quote history

I know. So tiresome. People just looking to be offended when every single conversation isn’t about THEM.

YRGAM · 27/08/2022 18:00

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/08/2022 07:03

I always felt that many men had children because their wives wanted children. If the choice were left to them,many men would not have any. The children are like pets. When the marriage ends, she gets the pets (kids) because she wanted them. That's why men expect the wives to do all the feeding, changing, getting it to sleep, etc. It's her responsibility because it's her pet.

@GeorgiaGirl52 I agree to some extent - men are often (usually?) 'nudged' into parenthood. But most men grow into it and love being parents even if it's not something they actively pushed for. I think this initial unwillingness probably does help some men justify their decision in their own heads to run out on their family, but it's not generally the reason they do it in the first place IMO

BoviTraci · 27/08/2022 18:02

OnaBegonia · 27/08/2022 15:49

Not just men, my friends mum dropped her, sister, brother at a neighbours and never came back.

I wonder if she came into some money so had the means to just bugger off . I can't imagine any decent man running off with a woman who just abandoned three kids with the intention of never seeing them again . Those poor kids . Just heartbreaking and the sense of rejection and betray must be heartbreaking. I worked with a woman whose mother did just that . The mother got in touch when she was old lonely and in a wheelchair only to be told by the daughter you made your bed lie on it . I don't blame her .

Original poster
Whereisthelove2 · 27/08/2022 18:11

It’s the utter selfishness of it all and lack of consideration for anybody else involved, especially their children. And then the biggest question of all is then they behave terribly and then as if it isn’t bad enough already are nasty to innocent people involved - why?!

OP posts:
APurpleSquirrel · 27/08/2022 18:56

I agree that some people just aren't meant to be parents - my dad was one - my brother wasn't planned & I seriously doubt my dad really wanted kids at all but did it because my mum did want them, or at least did once she was pregnant.
I haven't seen or heard from my dad since 1994 when my brother & I were in our teens. My mum took us away as my dad was an abusive alcoholic. No idea if he's dead or what. & he has never made any attempt to contact us despite my mum not blocking it when they first split & both my brother & I having an unusual surname, so not hard to track down.
His loss - personally, having DC of my own now I can't imagine not having them in my life, knowing where they are, what they're doing.

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