My boyfriend wants me to meet his kids, his ex doesn't want me to

[QuestioningGirlfriend]

My boyfriend wants me to meet his kids. His ex (mum to his 2DD) is adamant she won't let me meet them.
We live together, and have lived together now for 9 months.

Me leaving every time they visit is really a bummer, I forget stuff and am not 'allowed' back in the house to grab it. Tbh I'd like to meet them but don't want the drama it would cause with the ex.

It would just be easier in terms of not having to sneak my purse out of the kitchen window. I don't need to sit down to Sunday dinner every week but being able to say hi only me grab what I need and go.

What gets me is I'm a good person, I'm a nurse, I'm great with my sisters kids, I babysit my friends kids. I'm not a danger to the kids. I just don't understand what the issue is with me meeting them.

Shes threatened my boyfriend if I meet them she'll stop all contact.

So basically my question is what is a reasonable amount of time for a guy to have a girlfriend before he introduces her to his kids?

But yes, unless he is very special indeed, you might be better off with someone who has less baggage or more backbone, or both.

Are exes crazy because the men say they are? So crazy that they previously had a long term relationship and children with that person, it doesn’t add up.

Where there is a so called ‘crazy ex’ I’d be asking does the Dad do his fair share of the parenting, is he reliable since he has left the home, does he have regular contact, pay his fair share towards the children, how does he treat them - priority or after thought?

More often than not a so called crazy ex is a good indicator of a Dad not doing his part.

I don't think this is applicable in this situation. We know that he sees his kids and jumps when his ex says how high. There is a thing on a MN where the crazy ex just simply doesn't exist but let me tell you, they do.

@Catfordthefifth this situation is likely a man not being completely honest about things, he is using the ex as a reason to stop his partner meeting the children. He is living two completely different lives. Unfortunately for him one of these lives he cannot have because he is not a single man with no responsibilities, he already has children and a history with his ex.

Many years ago I would’ve agreed with you about the crazy ex but looking back now I can see why she was how she was, he wasn’t doing enough. We lived together and I would go out when his children came over. The situation didn’t get better and I ended the relationship after 5 years. We are still friends now but I wasted years on a relationship that was never going to work. OP would be better moving on. Once this hurdle is out of the way there will only be another.

Oh I agree, whether she's genuinely a crazy ex or he is entirely at fault, I would run like the wind from this shit show.

It isn't reasonable to be living with this man. The best thing you can do is move out ASAP.

As pp said, he is leading a double life. The childless couple life with you, and the single-dad life on his contact days. He's trying to keep those worlds totally separate and that's not reasonable.

A good dad certainly puts the needs of his children first, above his own sex-life. It's certainly bad for kids to be introduced to a new partner of one of their parents and to start to form emotional bonds to this new grownup in their lives, only for the relationship to end and for there to be more upheaval.

The right way for this to have been approached would have been for you to live separately and just dated the man when he was available. Then once the relationship got more serious and committed then you might meet the kids being introduced as a friend and with no expectation of you ever being in the position of having any kind of "step-mum" type role. Eventually after you had got to know the kids really well then you might consider moving in, but only if your level of committment to each other is such that you both think this is permanent. If you aren't sure, then better to wait till the kids are adult before moving in.

So long as the children's needs are being put first, their mum can't prevent their dad from having contact with their dad just because their dad is in a new relationship. But trying to have the new relationship and keep it a secret from the kids is not putting their needs first.

She has no say in who he introduces the kids to - assuming he doesn't get to tell her who she can introduce them to?

He needs to grow a backbone and quickly. Refuse to leave your own house, he can take them out instead if he's in agreement with the ex, surely? Maybe then he'll see how ridiculous he's being.

Yes, it's hard dealing with a difficult, controlling ex, but this is about what is best for the kids and what's best for them isn't being kept separate from a major part of their Dad's life and them growing up thinking he doesn't stand up for what is right and is cowed by the mother.

This will not change unless he does, so you can either accept this is the way it will always be or leave. If he isn't willing to do anything about the situation it will continue. No court in the land would side with her (unless there are concerns you haven't mentioned) so it is down to him. I'd be concerned he doesn't respect you as his partner and has no intention of becoming part of a family unit with you.

You are very silly to be allowing yourself to be forced to leave your home.

So silly.

Paying for a home and being told to leave?

You have really poor boundaries and very little self respect.

Pack your bags and leave.

This is a relationship which is going nowhere and you are accepting poor treatment.

Why would you tolerate this.

Dump him and move out.

You deserve so much better.

Don't resign yourself to such a messy situation.

Unless you are the she-devil (you don't sound like it) this excuse of a woman sounds like a complete bellend and has no right to stop him seeing you. Tell him to get a lawyer involved. Perhaps HER custody time needs reviewing (he he he)

I don't think that whether or not the ex is "crazy" or if she has a valid reason to not let you meet the kids (although I can't think of one barring legitimate safeguarding concerns which doesn't seem like the case here). The point is that your partner thinks it is acceptable to ask you to leave your own home on a regular basis. He he no respect for you.

Why does what the ex thinks or if she’s ‘crazy’ matter at all?

It also doesn’t matter from the OP’s perspective whether he’s ‘putting his kids first’ or whatever.

What matters is the he is treating her poorly and she deserves much better. There’s no way she should be standing for living a half life where she’s shoved back into the cupboard every time she’s inconvenient.

He’ll suddenly grow more of a backbone if the op won’t leave the house and he’s inconvenienced by having to take them out!

He gets to say who his kids spend time with when they're with him.

Neither of them get to tell you you need to leave your home.

I can fully understand she might not be happy about it and I daresay there are reasons we haven't been told, but ultimately, not her choice.

That’s bullshit. How are you going to check your new partner is good around your kids if you don’t introduce them until you are totally committed to the relationship.

You don’t need to introduce a person to the kids as their new step parent -ever- you just do it casually and with other people around, but don’t tell them you are a couple until you know the relationship is solid.