My boyfriend wants me to meet his kids, his ex doesn't want me to

[QuestioningGirlfriend]

My boyfriend wants me to meet his kids. His ex (mum to his 2DD) is adamant she won't let me meet them.
We live together, and have lived together now for 9 months.

Me leaving every time they visit is really a bummer, I forget stuff and am not 'allowed' back in the house to grab it. Tbh I'd like to meet them but don't want the drama it would cause with the ex.

It would just be easier in terms of not having to sneak my purse out of the kitchen window. I don't need to sit down to Sunday dinner every week but being able to say hi only me grab what I need and go.

What gets me is I'm a good person, I'm a nurse, I'm great with my sisters kids, I babysit my friends kids. I'm not a danger to the kids. I just don't understand what the issue is with me meeting them.

Shes threatened my boyfriend if I meet them she'll stop all contact.

So basically my question is what is a reasonable amount of time for a guy to have a girlfriend before he introduces her to his kids?

Both parents have rights but it is stalemate now and OP has to hide which is not ideal. If the kids don't stay overnight, can the partner take the kids out and about to play ?

OP why not just stay in one weekend and see what happens. If the ex doesn't bring the kids round, then that is something between ex and your partner which they need to sort out. No one can remove you from your home.

I agree more info is needed really. I don't think he is a coward - it sounds like he is trying to maintain a good relationship with their mother and even if he was scared she would cut contact I think its understandable that he would want to ensure that doesn't happen. But on the face of it it isn't fair on you and as hard as it may be for their mum, this is not sustainable and you are going to have to meet them at some point if this is an ongoing relationship. But views may be different if you have been together 10 months or 3 years and other things ....

I am on the other side of this situation where I have children who do not want to see their Dad if his girlfriend is there. They’ve both been inconsiderate of the kids feelings in it all and forced a meeting far too soon. The girlfriend is taking up all of his free time and now it’s been months since he has seen his children. Neither of them could care less what it is doing to my kids.

Your relationship hasn’t been long and you are living together. Your boyfriend and his relationship with his children really isn’t anything to do with you yet. Why do you think you should be there for his time with his children? You don’t mention how they feel about you and this situation, presumably not good because their world has dramatically changed. Is it possible there could be more going on than the ex (mother of the children) being difficult?

You actually accept being banned from your home regularly because his ex decrees it?

Honestly, you deserve better than this. Far better.

And like what somebody else said earlier on in the thread. In my situation there were many other partners before this current one. It could be more about the Dad’s behaviour, and likely nothing to do with you.

How old are the kids and how long since the parents split?

Dies he have them overnight and you have to leave for the weekend?

Giving in to unreasonable demands (him) is not 'maintaining a good relationship ' with the mother of his kids. Its acquiescence to threats (her) of removing access to your own child. Anyone who thinks this is a healthy co parenting dynamic needs their head examined

i don’t actually think all the questions about the kids and such like are even relevant here. It’s about how @QuestioningGirlfriend‘s partner is treating her.

In the kind of relationship where you live together, it’s supposed to be a partnership. You don’t keep a big, really important part of your life (your children!) separate from that. That’s just weird. If you want to do that, you maintain a lower key type of relationship where you have separate lives but date.

What you most certainly don’t do is ban your partner from what should now be her home every second weekend. If you aren’t ready to have her be an integral part of your children’s lives, you aren’t ready to live with her.

And what you most certainly don’t do is to tell her that the only reason she’s not allowed in the house she lives in is because your exW says so. That’s just a ridiculous way to treat the woman you live with and very clearly tells her she’s a lower priority than the ex.

Having children from a previous relationship is not an excuse to treat your partner like she doesn’t matter.

Given all that, I’d say the relationship is not viable. And @QuestioningGirlfriend deserves much better from her boyfriend than she’s getting. There are plenty of other men out there who will be willing and able to make you a priority in their life and to treat you like you deserve to be treated (and would treat them).

I rarely suggest this, but leave now, before it becomes even more difficult to do so. When your partner has children from a previous relationship, it is so fucking complicated. You don’t have kids, so you should be having a relationship that is fun, and makes your life better. If you stay, things won’t improve, you’ll just grow accustomed to being treated like shit, and being last on your DPs list of priorities. This is forever - his kids and ex aren’t going anywhere. Is this honestly what you want for your whole life?

I don’t see it as him putting his ex before his girlfriend, I think he is putting his children first. He is using the ex as an excuse to keep them apart, either the children have a problem with it or he has doubts about the relationship. It looks like he has got himself in to far more serious a relationship than what he is able to commit to.

You clearly have no idea how hard it is for dad's after separation. 9/10 times the mum holds all the cards (as it’s usually the father that has to leave the family home) and the only way through it is horrible for the kids involving nastiness all round, often making the kids feel like they’re being forced to choose a side.

Perhaps he doesn’t have the £££ for the family courts? Maybe he doesn’t want the kids to have to go through the stress of their parents pulling them one way and the other? Maybe he knows his ex is a nasty woman and, presumably after a time being married, simpl can’t deal with the stress of her going off on one.

There are lots of reasons men have to manage their ex’s in such a way.

Totally agree with @Orphlids

My ex-partners's ex went absolutely nuts when he introduced me to their daughter. after we had been together 3 or 4 years! She punished him (and their daughter) by stopping all contact for the following year. Their father / daughter relationship was fractured after that. Funnily (not) he managed to blame me for this fractured-ness, rather than his ex.

Rubbish. Single parent here, thanks very much. Totally ridiculous situation entirely facilitated by the fool dad who isn’t drawing boundaries

This is ridiculous. No one has the right to insist that another adult leaves their home on a regular basis. Not an ex and not even children.

In your shoes I would either move out or just tell him that you are no longer going out when the kids are there and he will need to take them elsewhere if insists that you can't be in house at the same time. I would not want to be with a man who would treat me with such utter disregard as to bar me from my own home.

The ex is a bit of a red herring here. She can make whatever ridiculous demands she wants but your partner has the power to say no. I bet he wouldn't have a problem saying no to her if she demanded that he had to do something that directly inconvenienced him as much as he is happy for you to be inconvenienced on a regular basis.

Sorry but you clearly don’t get how nasty some women can be! Parental alienation is a terrifying and prospect for men with these ex wives. The ex wives will literally do anything to get back at these men even if it means their children get hurt in the process.

This is a really mean opinion. Lots of men are scared witless of losing their children to a nasty ex who plays games. And going to court isn’t always cheap or effective. So they toe the line. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re weak, just that they adore their kids and are worried they’ll lose the little access they have. My husband was a bit like this originally (not quite to this extent!). He built his courage up with me supporting him. Sadly, fifteen years on, the ex/mother now plays games with her son, meaning their relationship is not so good. These type of women can’t play this game forever. The first five years with my husband were hard work due to his ex, but it all settled down as the child got older.

The ex is saying 'jump' and your OH is asking 'how high?'. He needs a backbone and to apply to court to get something on paper re: visitation rights and the such.

That said, I think some back story may be relevant here. You may be a nurse and good with kids, that doesn't make you a nice person, it also doesn't mean you weren't the OW (to be clear, I'm not insinuating either of these is true). Maybe the ex has good reasons for not wanting him to bring you into the picture.
I'd also be interested re the household setup - is it your house? His house?

I do also think that if you were posting as the mum, and she was asking if she should 'allow' the father to introduce the DC to his new GF after 9 months, you'd get lots of replies saying 'noooo, they haven't been together long enough!'

Lots of men are scared witless of losing their children to a nasty ex who plays games. And going to court isn’t always cheap or effective.

This is true. It is also true that expecting your partner to leave their home on a regular basis is ridiculous and OP deserves better. Why is it that you think the OP should be the one to suffer here?

No way would I leave my home.
You should tell him you are going nowhere and he can go to the kids instead.

I suspect when it starts being more of a problem for them than for you, you'll see changes

Get out of this relationship, OP. You do NOT want to be in the middle of this shit show. It get worse. I don't care how much you love him, this is a dealbreaker. Not being able to handle his relationship with his ex and his dc is a major red flag. It's a parade of red flags.

I can absolutely understand a mother in wanting to protect their kids from meeting multiple potential “stepmothers”, but you actually live with him and have done for 9 months.
Meet them and take her to court for regular access if she becomes difficult.

How long we’re you together for, before the 9 months living together - just out of interest?

I think after living together for 9 months, most would think it was reasonable tbh

How the mum feels possibly depends on how long they were together before they moved in and the reasons for moving in quickly. Plus other elements such as how many other women has he moved in with (quickly); how many other women have her children been introduced to...

But while those things might be a concern for her, she doesn't have the right to stop him from introducing the OP to his children.

The typical Mumsnet wisdom is that your partner should not introduce you to his children until you have been dating for at least 25 years, but in reality, if he is in a serious relationship with you then you are going to meet his children sooner rather than later, and his ex-wife cannot prevent that or dictate what he does with them during his contact time. It is unlikely that she will arbitrarily stop contact, but if she does he can get a court order. I'm assuming there is no legitimate reason for her objecting to you or your household (e.g. a lodger who happens to be a registered sex offender).

I waited 18 months before I dumped him.
THEN he begged me to reconsider.
They are such a massive part of his life, I wanted to meet the people he loved the most before I considered whether I could be what I needed to be for them.
I'm now with someone with no dependents.
I'd never date a man with an ex and kids again.