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Original poster

My boyfriend wants me to meet his kids, his ex doesn't want me to

89 replies

QuestioningGirlfriend · 22/08/2022 19:33

My boyfriend wants me to meet his kids. His ex (mum to his 2DD) is adamant she won't let me meet them.
We live together, and have lived together now for 9 months.

Me leaving every time they visit is really a bummer, I forget stuff and am not 'allowed' back in the house to grab it. Tbh I'd like to meet them but don't want the drama it would cause with the ex.

It would just be easier in terms of not having to sneak my purse out of the kitchen window. I don't need to sit down to Sunday dinner every week but being able to say hi only me grab what I need and go.

What gets me is I'm a good person, I'm a nurse, I'm great with my sisters kids, I babysit my friends kids. I'm not a danger to the kids. I just don't understand what the issue is with me meeting them.

Shes threatened my boyfriend if I meet them she'll stop all contact.

So basically my question is what is a reasonable amount of time for a guy to have a girlfriend before he introduces her to his kids?

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 22/08/2022 21:13

Jesús, can’t believe the bastard you have as a partner is making you jump through these hoops and you are putting up with it!

Move out, no matter what, she is still his wife for as long as she is calling the shots and he is choosing to kick you out on contact days to keep HER happy.

By the way, it doesn’t matter if he is just weak man with no spine, men who allow themselves to be manipulated like that are not worth staying with.

LittleOwl153 · 22/08/2022 21:24

Can I tell you (HIM), FROM THE KIDS POINT OF VIEW? They KNOW! If they are anything more that 2/3yrs old then they KNOW there is a woman living in the house dad lives in. They are not stupid. He is lying to them because he is too week to stand up to her.

How do I know this... I was this kid. Believe me it hurts like he'll. He is screwing them up and will loose them if he doesn't so something about it.

He needs to start the court process for access so that she cannot stop him from seeing them, once has put the papers in (This Week - don't allow him to delay!) he needs to introduce you. Stop this messing about. You've loved with him for 9 months - that seems fairly permanent unless he has a habit of bed hopping ever 12 months or so....

BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 22/08/2022 21:51

Bit strange moving in with someone when you haven't met their kids.

Anyway back to your OP, the ex doesn't have much of a day in what goes on during his contact time so you can meet the kids if he wants you to.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/08/2022 21:54

As others said he needs to grow some balls

or maybe you as well and say no I’m not leaving

you live together. Have done for 9mths. Assume been together before that

yes shouldnt meet partners kids after a month or so but you have been together and live together

mynameisbrian · 22/08/2022 21:56

I do wonder if the mother here is protecting her kids, how many previous partners has he introduced them too, or moved in with. It does seem odd for her to be so insistent as in truth she cant control what he does in his contact time. However I have a friend who left her abusive partner and he has regular short term relationships and introduces his kids very early. It is not good for them and as you moved in before you have even met them implies you moved in quickly.. and him not ensuring you had met them before progressing to sharing a home says it all really

Casper10 · 22/08/2022 22:10

So the OPs partner's ex is completely unreasonable and in typical MN fashion no one is calling her out...

Cornflakegirll · 22/08/2022 22:12

There’s a growing feeling that children should not be meeting partners for at least 12 months after relationships begin, particularly after a recent separation. It’s really not good for them.

I know you have been living together for 9 months but you say little as to whether this happened quickly or not.

I’m entirely with the above poster and @cleanbreak2022, I’d be loathe to criticise the mother of his children without knowing more of the background story.

Can you enlighten us more to your relationship background?

Lamb0104 · 22/08/2022 22:12

I was in a very similar situation with my ex and his child's mother. Note he is now an ex!! My advice, end the relationship and find someone without kids/baggage. It is honestly not worth it.

My ex had no back bone and when the child's mother said jump he would say how high. She caused massive up roar when i was introduced to the child. Threatening to stop contact etc and my ex could not grow a pair of balls to try and stand up to her/sort out court.
She did stop contact for a few weeks, cue him begging her and agreeing to all sorts of ridiculous demands, some of which involved me. It was all lapped up by my ex without consulting me even though it was about me too

You will be stuck in this cycle forever, always coming bottom of the pile and second best to his ex! It will never change.

Bananalanacake · 22/08/2022 22:24

What's the point in living together, you can still have a relationship but live apart, then you can be in your own home whenever you want.

DixonD · 23/08/2022 01:59

cleanbreak2022 · 22/08/2022 21:08

Playing devils advocate here. My ex has been with his girlfriend for 10mos, lives with her, she would also say she's lovely and great with other kids. He ex only left 8 mos ago so there is was an overlap.

In my circumstances, she was the OW and is far from lovely (I'm not saying you aren't I'm just looking from another perspective).

I have banned her from ever meeting my children because they have a violent and hostile relationship. I have banned them as a couple meeting my children in order to force court action so I can have a court order for a mental health assessment for my ex.

I'm just looking at it from a different perspective, I'm not controlling but I have every right to protect my childrens welfare.

There’s nothing to suggest that your situation is similar to the OP’s in any way. It’s irrelevant, really, as your situation involves abusive behaviour. From what OP has told this, this is not the case. Exes can be jealous and very manipulative when it comes to access, just “because.”

OP, he should let her take him to court to force a legal arrangement that she can’t break. You can’t live like this.

MintJulia · 23/08/2022 02:11

limitededitionbarbie · 22/08/2022 19:48

Leave or tell your partner that this can't go on.

And mean it.

He could apply for court orders visitation now if he thinks access will be an issue.

This.

strawberrymelon88 · 23/08/2022 03:24

From another perspective,

She is the mother of the children and she has also a right to say who her children meet, and she doesn't want them to meet you.She doesn't know what you will say to them. You could say positive things and you can say negative things to the children. She just wants them to spend time with their dad, not you. The children didn't choose you but you chose him which comes along with the baggage of the kids and the ex-wife forever.She will be the pebble in your shoe since they share kids.That you are a nurse is a good thing but it is irrelevant in this instance, It is the person and the character. If you were the OW, I can see why she definitely does not want you round her kids. If you were the girlfriend that came along after, then it is a tough situation to be in and I sympathize. But he's got kids, and they will always come first.

Is this your home, his home, or the home you moved in together ? If it is your home, then it is terrible that you have to vacate when the kids are around. If it is his home that the kids lived in when they were a family unit, then I can understand why it would be bad for the kids to see someone else in the home.

The ex does not want you to talk to her kids and not to form a relationship with the kids and as a parent she has a right to say who her kids meet. Your partner has a right to say who his kids meet. You are in a stalemate and you can't keep being asked to leave your own home. You all need to go to mediation

autienotnaughty · 23/08/2022 05:12

Ridiculous you should have met them before you moved in! What if you don't get on or you decide step parenting isn't for you? How long have you been together? It will be much harder for kids if daddy suddenly lives with someone so even if you met them now You would still possibly have months of moving out.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/08/2022 05:15

She is the mother of the children and she has also a right to say who her children meet

no she doesn't have a 'right'

Aubree17 · 23/08/2022 05:27

You do sound lovely.

I don't agree with many of the posts here. The ex is clearly in the wrong and is having a hard time coming to terms with the end of the relationship/ the thought of another woman being involved in her kids lives.

I don't think your unreasonable wanting to meet them at all in the circumstances.

I'd advise you to be patient. The ex sounds difficult and has the potential to make things very very difficult for your partner.

Do the children know about you? If not, I would get your ex to tell them. And talk about you a lot to them. Just conversation "x is a nurse, x has gone shopping today"
On time they will want to meet you. Then it's much harder for the ex to push back. Let things evolve slowly, let them come to you and never push things.

ShandaLear · 23/08/2022 05:28

You can’t ’ban’ her from meeting your children. That’s ridiculous. What your ex does with his own children on his time is entirely up to him - he has the same rights as you as their parent. It doesn’t matter if she’s the OW, it doesn’t matter if she’s Atilla the Hun. You are not entitled to dictate who they meet or don’t meet when they are with him and if you try to enforce these diktats through the courts or try to refuse access you would lose.

supercali77 · 23/08/2022 05:53

The ex has zero rights in this regard, shes being wholly unreasonable, if she were being reasonable but protective she'd have asked to meet you but she's not. Dont let yourself become lower than the family dog, having to dissappear to accommodate a ludicrous situation the 2 of them have made between themselves. Your dp needs to document everything she says about it, have it in text or email form, going to court is a major pita but with proof of threats to remove contact for meeting a partner he has a fairly straightforward case.

Oblomov22 · 23/08/2022 06:13

Why are you with someone so weak? He should've told her long ago that you will meet then because he lives with you. And if she threatens court he should say fine. This will end badly. Leave him. Get yourself counselling for why you chose someone so unsuitable.

MotherOfDragons31 · 23/08/2022 06:43

I kicked off at my ex when he introduced my 3 year old to his new girlfriend BUT they had been dating a matter of weeks.

If it was your situation and they lived together and had been dating 9 months I think that's a little more reasonable to meet the kids. You're clearly a stable person and have a stable relationship. I this the ex is being unreasonable.

What about asking to sit down like adults and have a proper conversation... also has she got a new man who's met the kids? Because she can't have one rule for her and one rule for him... all else failing that get your partner to go to court for visitation then she has no leg to stand on.

I'm sorry this is happening to you I hope you resolve it x

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 06:47

She is the mother of the children and she has also a right to say who her children meet, and she doesn't want them to meet you.She doesn't know what you will say to them

She doesn't. She has to trust the father she chose to have children with.

2u2me2me2u · 23/08/2022 06:58

Whether you have moved into his house or he yours, you live together so I don’t think he’s got a right to tell you you have to go out when his children come around, I wouldn’t be doing that if I were you, no way.

if he doesn’t want you to meet them then you tell him he takes them out, maybe by doing this it will push him into growing a backbone and telling her that it’s up to him when you meet his children not her!

LynetteScavo · 23/08/2022 07:04

I would refuse to leave the house. If he wants to see his DC, but them not meet you he'll have to take them out somewhere- or his ex can go out and leave her house while he sees them there if she's so bothered. I'd go so far as to tell her that myself.

GreyCarpet · 23/08/2022 07:05

strawberrymelon88 · 23/08/2022 03:24

From another perspective,

She is the mother of the children and she has also a right to say who her children meet, and she doesn't want them to meet you.She doesn't know what you will say to them. You could say positive things and you can say negative things to the children. She just wants them to spend time with their dad, not you. The children didn't choose you but you chose him which comes along with the baggage of the kids and the ex-wife forever.She will be the pebble in your shoe since they share kids.That you are a nurse is a good thing but it is irrelevant in this instance, It is the person and the character. If you were the OW, I can see why she definitely does not want you round her kids. If you were the girlfriend that came along after, then it is a tough situation to be in and I sympathize. But he's got kids, and they will always come first.

Is this your home, his home, or the home you moved in together ? If it is your home, then it is terrible that you have to vacate when the kids are around. If it is his home that the kids lived in when they were a family unit, then I can understand why it would be bad for the kids to see someone else in the home.

The ex does not want you to talk to her kids and not to form a relationship with the kids and as a parent she has a right to say who her kids meet. Your partner has a right to say who his kids meet. You are in a stalemate and you can't keep being asked to leave your own home. You all need to go to mediation

Actually, she doesn't have that right at all.

Their dad is just as much their parent as she is so he has an equal right to say who his children meet when they are in his care.

itsgettingweird · 23/08/2022 07:17

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/08/2022 05:15

She is the mother of the children and she has also a right to say who her children meet

no she doesn't have a 'right'

Agree.

When will parents start realising they have "rights" over their children they have responsibilities.

He is their dad. He can decide who he introduces his children to. If others don't feel his decision is responsible they have processes to go through. But unless he's putting them in danger it won't get any mustard.

itsgettingweird · 23/08/2022 07:18

Don't** have rights