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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am so so so sick of his calls, over and over again

101 replies

SeaBoat · 22/08/2022 10:22

I am with my partner a number of years. We work opposite schedules to each other so a lot of the time we are like passing ships.

I had a call from him yesterday morning and again yesterday evening. I took those calls. Then at about 9.30 at night my mother who I suspect might be getting dementia, asked me to do a job for her on the Internet. It's never an easy task with her and it could go on for hours. I actually think about suicide when I sit down with my mother because that appeals to me for a break.
At 9.45 pm last night I got a call from my partner but I was too busy to take it. I had intentions of phoning him back. He rang me back at 10 but again I was jot finished with my mother. It was about 10.45pm last night by the time I was finished with my mother and I had a banging headache at that stage. I was thinking about getting into bed to get up in the morning for my job but I was so busy doing jobs. So I continued doing jobs. I got 2 more calls after that from my partner. I was so busy. I was cooking food for my lunch and I wasn't feeling well either. I had intentions of phoning him back but that didn't happen. It wasn't intentionally to ignore him and I wasn't ignoring him. I was busy.

I hate this from him. If I picked up last night I know him like that back of my hand he would have nothing to say or ask except how I am. Surely when I missed his first and his second call he could presume how I am and presume I am busy. I hate this from him. He seems to think because I have the day off I am sitting down and doing nothing when that's not the case at all. It was 1.30 in the morning by the time I got to bed last night.

I was getting ready for work this morning and breaking my back and my ass trying to get out the door to work and get to work and the same thing happened again this morning. Three more calls from him. My phone was in the bed and then it was in my back buried under my lunch and under belongings for the day.

I am so sick of it. Its call after call after call as if I am doing no3but sitting down with the phone in my hand just waiting for his calls.

OP posts:

NightOwl101 · 22/08/2022 10:24

Couldn't you of just texted him saying 'sorry busy talk later or tomorrow?' Then it would put a stop to his repeated calls and if he's worrying about you.

Thedungeondragon · 22/08/2022 10:27

I was going to say exactly what Nightowl said. I'd be worried if my partner did not respond to several calls. A quick text to say you were really busy but would call when you had time to speak would surely have sorted the whole thing.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/08/2022 10:27

What does he usually say on these calls? Does he actually want something or just ringing for a chat? Is he controlling, checking where you are and what you're doing?

AdamRyan · 22/08/2022 10:30

Yeah I think you are being unreasonable
It's pretty dismissive to just not answer, presumably he just wants to check in with you as a way of making a connection. I'd be worried if dp didn't answer and didn't call back, and then I'd be cross because I'd feel undervalued.
Takes 2 secs to send a text saying - sorry, mum was very trying and now I have a headache, Talk later, love you or something.

IncompleteSenten · 22/08/2022 10:30

If you had spent 20 seconds and text him saying I'm busy with mum, I'll call you tomorrow would he have stopped ringing you or would he have carried on?

Branleuse · 22/08/2022 10:30

God i hate people who just call and call. If theres nothing much to say then they should just send a text message. A phone call is so demanding

GreyCarpet · 22/08/2022 10:36

Only you know your partner, OP.

Is he controlling? Is that the reason for all the calls? Or just a bit needier than you'd like?

I'd agree that a short text would have been appropriate or considerate. I'd be worried if I messaged my boyfriend and he just didn't get in touch at all in that time frame and I know he'd be worried about me. Not about controlling but worried there might be something serious happening.

Original poster

SeaBoat · 22/08/2022 10:37

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/08/2022 10:27

What does he usually say on these calls? Does he actually want something or just ringing for a chat? Is he controlling, checking where you are and what you're doing?

It appears as if it is a chat but lately I am observing something else. If we ar eout for dinner, and when I go to the toilet and leave my phone on the table, I come back to find him trying to get into my phone. We were st a function last year and another lady discovered him doing the same to my phone. Also whenever he is staying over, if I leave the room for anything, everything is fair game in his eyes. I came back into my room and he was snooping in my bedside locker.
I don't know what he is hoping to find.

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 22/08/2022 10:38

Evidence of you cheating would be my guess.

Original poster

SeaBoat · 22/08/2022 10:38

One of my issues is that we ere chatting on the phone not long before that. I took his call at about 6 or 7 and we chatted on the phone. There really wasn't any need for another call.

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 22/08/2022 10:39

I'd be concerned tbh.
This is starting to sound like his motivation is to keep tabs on you.

Original poster

SeaBoat · 22/08/2022 10:40

IncompleteSenten · 22/08/2022 10:38

Evidence of you cheating would be my guess.

That's my guess too. He is experiencing impotence. It's mad. I am too busy to ever consider cheating. My only other love is my knitting. There is no cheating.

OP posts:

SugarMiceInTheRain · 22/08/2022 10:42

Based on your OP I would just send a quick text saying "very busy with mum, can't talk now". Your most recent post, however, puts a very different slant on things. Sounds like he doesn't respect your privacy or trust you, trying to snoop like that. In which case you have way bigger problems than him calling you multiple times when you're busy.

baileys6904 · 22/08/2022 10:42

Tho k you're unreasonable to be honest. What if he needed you? What if he was being rushed to hospital. Or had broken down, or had just received some bad news. Or was just plain worried about you? You could have just text saying u were busy and was everything OK?

It sounds like you have checked out of your relationship and looking for reasons to blame him. If you don't like him or the way he behaves, leave

JudyGemstone · 22/08/2022 10:42

Not really the main issue but you know you can stick a pair of AirPods/headphones in and get on with jobs while chatting, you’re not chained to where the phone is anymore.

but yes that would annoy me too

IncompleteSenten · 22/08/2022 10:42

Have you challenged him about it?

Original poster

SeaBoat · 22/08/2022 10:43

IncompleteSenten · 22/08/2022 10:39

I'd be concerned tbh.
This is starting to sound like his motivation is to keep tabs on you.

It was this mornings calls that really got to me. I was in my kitchen making breakfast and my phone was in bed. I really didn't think about my phone. I then never had time for tea and had to continue to get out the door and it was two more calls after the morning call while I was rushing out the door to work. I don't drive and I do t have a hands free kit. I am useless walking to work and I never had time to take a call.

OP posts:

JenGin · 22/08/2022 10:43

I think just an open and honest conversation saying something you are simply busy and unless there's something important that needs discussing then a call isn't always necessary? He may genuinely not understand that you don't always fancy a chat for just chatting's sake and just needs to be told and then he'll stop?

I would suggest sending him a text when you've been too busy to answer his call, though. I'd be really worried if my husband didn't answer a call and I still haven't heard back from him the following day either.

If you send a message saying you're busy and you'll catch up later, maybe a loosely arranged time, and he still keeps calling over and over again then that's a red flag.

Original poster

SeaBoat · 22/08/2022 10:45

JudyGemstone · 22/08/2022 10:42

Not really the main issue but you know you can stick a pair of AirPods/headphones in and get on with jobs while chatting, you’re not chained to where the phone is anymore.

but yes that would annoy me too

That was my setup on my way to work but it failed on me this morning and my phone was in my bag somewhere but I couldn't find it when I went to look.

OP posts:

Dery · 22/08/2022 10:46

Agree with PP - just drop him a text to let him know you’re fine but very busy. I would also worry if my partner simply didn’t answer the phone. But tbh it sounds like you don’t like him very much, OP.

Longdistance · 22/08/2022 10:47

Weird that he calls so much.
I barely hear from my dh all day when we’re at work and if I’m away with dds, he’ll call in the evening to catch up with what we’ve been up to.
My best friends oh is always calling her. It’s so ott. She doesn’t mind though as she calls him equally as much.
I do think you need to tell him to cut it out. If it’s only recent, I’d suspect something is going on.

Dery · 22/08/2022 10:49

Sorry, OP - missed your updates. Agreed - no need to speak again if you’d just spoken. Sounds like he’s trying to keep tabs on you.

Isittrueornot · 22/08/2022 10:54

Sounds like you don’t really like him much. You should dump him if so. If you was busy you should have just text that, of course he was going to keep ringing because he thought something might be up and wanting to check you was ok.

yabu

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/08/2022 11:01

Isittrueornot · 22/08/2022 10:54

yabu

Have you read OPs updates? She'd spoken to him earlier in the night

Ladygaggia · 22/08/2022 11:01

Hi, it sounds to me that you are emotionally burnt out.
You are seeing your partners need for communication with you as an irritation, not the benign concern for you that it probably is.
I'm sorry that you are struggling with your mother.

Try to deal with the communication with your partner before it makes things worse for you.
Just set up an auto response on your phone that sends a text back when he calls to say "busy now, will call back later" and tell him that you are struggling and need space from what you see ad people that all want something from you that feels overwhelming and draining.

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