I am so so so sick of his calls, over and over again

[SeaBoat]

I am with my partner a number of years. We work opposite schedules to each other so a lot of the time we are like passing ships.

I had a call from him yesterday morning and again yesterday evening. I took those calls. Then at about 9.30 at night my mother who I suspect might be getting dementia, asked me to do a job for her on the Internet. It's never an easy task with her and it could go on for hours. I actually think about suicide when I sit down with my mother because that appeals to me for a break.
At 9.45 pm last night I got a call from my partner but I was too busy to take it. I had intentions of phoning him back. He rang me back at 10 but again I was jot finished with my mother. It was about 10.45pm last night by the time I was finished with my mother and I had a banging headache at that stage. I was thinking about getting into bed to get up in the morning for my job but I was so busy doing jobs. So I continued doing jobs. I got 2 more calls after that from my partner. I was so busy. I was cooking food for my lunch and I wasn't feeling well either. I had intentions of phoning him back but that didn't happen. It wasn't intentionally to ignore him and I wasn't ignoring him. I was busy.

I hate this from him. If I picked up last night I know him like that back of my hand he would have nothing to say or ask except how I am. Surely when I missed his first and his second call he could presume how I am and presume I am busy. I hate this from him. He seems to think because I have the day off I am sitting down and doing nothing when that's not the case at all. It was 1.30 in the morning by the time I got to bed last night.

I was getting ready for work this morning and breaking my back and my ass trying to get out the door to work and get to work and the same thing happened again this morning. Three more calls from him. My phone was in the bed and then it was in my back buried under my lunch and under belongings for the day.

I am so sick of it. Its call after call after call as if I am doing no3but sitting down with the phone in my hand just waiting for his calls.

I'm with all the PP who said that the obvious thing to do was to either answer and say quickly, or text back and say, "sorry, busy with mum then need to sleep, unless it's urgent can we chat tomorrow" or words to that effect. I don't think - by itself - that him ringing that number of time when you didn't reply AT ALL is too much. He probably got worried.

BUT - the fact that you don't want to chat to him, that you are his calls as a drag and just another chore, that you think he is ringing to check up that you aren't with someone else rather than because he enjoys speaking to you or had something specific he needed to discuss, etc, means that it's time to get out. Or if you otherwise value the relationship, explain how tired and stressed you are and that you need to communicate with him differently.

Communicate with him ffs. I’d have done what your partner did as I’d find it odd that they didn’t pick up and we call a lot. You could have sent a text.

I got a smart watch to help me with calls. I was waiting on calls from the hospital but sometimes I am so busy and I miss calls. The hospital appointment was so important for me because it was an endoscopy appointment. I was being investigated for colon issues.

I got a smartwatch and that helped a lot in that it was on my wrist and I was able to manage a lot by that but the watch is dead now and I don't know where it is. Its somewhere in my bag. I didn't have that last night or over the past week.

Dealing with a parent with dementia is exhausting. Is there any chance somewhere like the Alzheimer's Society could help you get some more support so that you don't have to do all of that yourself?

You sound like a lovely caring daughter but you just cannot give up so much time to your mother's shopping. If she enjoys browsing 60 pages of offers, that's fine, but open the computer screen or iPad or whatever for her and leave her to scroll through while you do something else.

If she really is developing dementia then the demands are going to get worse and more unreasonable, so you will need to figure out a way to balance her needs and yours.

This doesn't seem normal on the part of your DP. My DH is also away and did call last night but I replied I was a bit busy and will talk tomorrow which he was fine with. Either he suspects you of cheating or he is very needy - do you want to co tinned the relationship- what does it give you in other ways?

I had a quick look but my phone doesn't do auto texts as far as I can see.

There really shouldn't have to be an explanatory message sent after missing some calls to say that I am busy. How come when I call someone and don't get an answer, I go about my day and forget about it. I don't need a message to explain to me that someone is busy. I presume they are and get on with my day.

When I am getting ready in the morning, bursting my fucking ass getting out the door, I am not going to have time to pause and send a message to say that I am busy. If I was to call someone in the morning (very unlikely) and if there was no answer I would presume the person is busy and that will be that.

It was this mornings calls that was a headwrecker for me. He knows I am going to work. I did answer my phone at one point but my earphones weren't working. He rang back again but I was battling once more being dead fucking late and I couldn't take the call.

It's not hard to understand when there's no answer on a phone call that the other person is not available for a call/busy.

My heart goes out to you op. Just loose the partner. What's the point of him ? He's not making you happy. plus your mother is controlling you taking up two evenings. I would put my foot down.
'mother I can do your shopping if you give me a list but I'm not prepared to go through all the offers' thanks

I started to cook a lunch last night for today and I had to do paper work and finish laundry and it was just an absolute headache of a night.

Have you told your partner that your mum makes you feel suicidal. Because that would justify him being concerned if you don’t answer the phone or send a text after you’ve been there.

alos, do you have to deal with your employers texts when you’re at home? Can’t you nip this in the bud.

I really don’t like the sound of the snooping, but it sounds as though he’s insecure and you’ve understandably have got the Ick.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We see that you are getting some great support from your fellow Mumsnetters and hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
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MNHQ

No I never told him. He knows there are some issues now. I don't have a dementia diagnosis for my mother as of yet but I think there is something happening with her. I have a long list of observations from over the past year. All of is is mainly behavioural changes with her and its not right. It's not a memory loss as such although there is some confusion now setting in with her here and there. I discussed my concerns with our GP an she was OK about it but I feel like I am at a dead end now. I think they are wanting to see a memory loss before they consider dementia as a possibility or some sort of a referral. I asked my mother was her last appointment was like and how she got on and my mother was very happy and pleased and said everything is perfect. I don't t know what the outcome of that was. Yesterday was a day where my mother did her laundry and it was another day where I found items of my underwear amongst her laundry as if they were hers. She never washes my clothes. I find this distressing to be honest. I think there is something happening but I do t have a diagnosis.

My partner knows there's something and I am trying to raise my concerns about her too but he's not taking me seriously. He knows there's problems setting in because she drives me to the bottle very easily but that's as much as he knows.

I thought you were being pretty unreasonable in your first post, it is quite normal to want to speak to one’s partner during the day. You were rude to keep on ignoring him, I would be very upset if DH ignored me all day when I am trying to reach him.

Your follow up regarding his snooping is an entirely different matter and I could not be doing with that.

I actually did not ignore him yesterday. We chatted in the morning and again in the evening. Then last night when he rang I wasn't ignoring him. I was busy.

Again this morning when he rang I was busy breaking my ass getting to work. I wasn't ignoring him. I was so busy.

When he rings you and you actually answer the call - what does he want? Why has he phoned you?

The calls are usually always just a chat to see how each others day's went.

I finally got around to calling him earlier on and he had nothing of any significance to say to me. It was just a chat.

"When I am getting ready in the morning, bursting my fucking ass getting out the door ..." why is it so difficult to get up and go to work? Maybe he's worried about you if you talk like this all the time.

The phone calls and everything else are a side issue, even though may feel to you like they are not

The main issue as far as I can see if that at least 3 times on this thread you have mentioned feeling suicidal. You need to see a GP asap and get this addressed.

I have suffered from depression before and I found that all the life stuff was just too much, too many texts from my DH which I would normally be fine with would make me want to cry with frustration because I couldn't answer just one more text on top of everything else.

Please see the GP and get the medical help you need. Once you have done that you will be in a much better place to help your mother and to see if your partner is the right one for you.

Going through your phone and locker are really disturbing IMO, why are you still with him? It's not concern to me - well maybe concern that you're out with someone else, he sound clingy, needy and insecure.
You also need help with your mum, you have too much on your plate and are getting to the end of your tether. Don't wait for things to get worse.

This. I think it is normal for him to try to touch base and check in.

I second what @Almondsandraisins says.

The calls are usually always just a chat to see how each others day's went

Really? Or - in other words - he is checking up on you, to find out exactly where you have been and what you have been doing. He is keeping tabs on you.

Combine that with him constantly phoning until you finally answer, and trying to get into your phone and your locker when you're not in the room, it's not looking good, is it?

He wants you to dance to his tune.

Most people, if they call someone and get no answer, will just send a follow-up text. They assume the person is busy and can't take the call - they don't keep on ringing again and again. The only time you would do that is in a life-or-death emergency.

By continually calling, he is demanding that you drop everything and speak to him, and he won't take no for an answer.

You are being a martyr OP. Take back control of your life where you can eg dump your needy partner. That will give you peace. You are going on and on about him as if he's done kind of compulsory feature/ job. He is not. Dump him.
Your mother is obviously much trickier and you have my sympathy but you can put in boundaries with your mother eg you will not go through all offers.

Could he have taken your smartwatch, thinking that would give him access to your texts?

No matter, you'd feel far better without him attempting to control and monitor you all the time.