I am so so so sick of his calls, over and over again

[SeaBoat]

I am with my partner a number of years. We work opposite schedules to each other so a lot of the time we are like passing ships.

I had a call from him yesterday morning and again yesterday evening. I took those calls. Then at about 9.30 at night my mother who I suspect might be getting dementia, asked me to do a job for her on the Internet. It's never an easy task with her and it could go on for hours. I actually think about suicide when I sit down with my mother because that appeals to me for a break.
At 9.45 pm last night I got a call from my partner but I was too busy to take it. I had intentions of phoning him back. He rang me back at 10 but again I was jot finished with my mother. It was about 10.45pm last night by the time I was finished with my mother and I had a banging headache at that stage. I was thinking about getting into bed to get up in the morning for my job but I was so busy doing jobs. So I continued doing jobs. I got 2 more calls after that from my partner. I was so busy. I was cooking food for my lunch and I wasn't feeling well either. I had intentions of phoning him back but that didn't happen. It wasn't intentionally to ignore him and I wasn't ignoring him. I was busy.

I hate this from him. If I picked up last night I know him like that back of my hand he would have nothing to say or ask except how I am. Surely when I missed his first and his second call he could presume how I am and presume I am busy. I hate this from him. He seems to think because I have the day off I am sitting down and doing nothing when that's not the case at all. It was 1.30 in the morning by the time I got to bed last night.

I was getting ready for work this morning and breaking my back and my ass trying to get out the door to work and get to work and the same thing happened again this morning. Three more calls from him. My phone was in the bed and then it was in my back buried under my lunch and under belongings for the day.

I am so sick of it. Its call after call after call as if I am doing no3but sitting down with the phone in my hand just waiting for his calls.

Definitely not. Its definitely in my bag. I just need to root it out and charge it.

Have you had a conversation with him about this - I can feel your stress - you need space and he’s not giving it to you but maybe you’ve not told him what your needs are.

Just get rid of him. He isn't adding to your peace, he is adding to your stress. He needs to go.

Why did you go to bed at 1.30 if you got home at like 11? Sure make lunch which takes 10 mins but then go to bed... jobs can wait.

You sound really depressed or something. And angry. He just wanted to chat to his partner. You could've just texted him that you're swamped.

also you don't need a 'hands free kit' just buy some headphones for £20.

I think if my partner didn’t answer the phone and I knew they talked about suicide sometimes I’d be bloody worried and keep calling too.

Me too. Its too hard to tell in this thread with a suicidal OP if the OH is controlling or scared.

Is he going through the locker to find stuff, or to check she isn't stashing drugs (for an attempt not because I think she takes drugs)?

If he looking at her phone for nefarious purposes or to get clues if she is going to do something

Is he calling her repeatedly because he is worrying or controlling

I am erring on the side of relationship incompatibility at the least but honestly the OP needs medical help for a very real medical issue first and foremost

OP- please stop with the comments about coffins and feeling suicidal at doing your mums shopping.

He's not aware of my true feelings on life. I never said it to him. So he's not checking to see if I topped myself or not.

Just finish with him? All sounds like a palaver to me. If he's taking any opportunity to check your phone and rifle through your stuff if left alone in a room, why are you actually with him?

I missed two calls last night within the space of half an hour from him which wasn't too bad and I got around to phoning him back but still two calls within half an hour is too much. Surely after one missed call he can presume I am busy and I will get back to him as soon as possible.

This morning was far too much.

I missed three calls from him within a short space of time (from 8.30 to 10). It was far too much. He has to realise that after 1 call, I am busy and I will get around to phoning him back and not keep at me. I am not intentionally ignoring him on the phone or through calls. I am genuinely being busy and absolutely not able to answer his calls at times.

This morning was a nightmare. I was getting ready for work and my mother was on at me and I was dipping in and out from my emails and getting calls from my solicitor and other agents while I was rushing to work.

Everybody wants a piece out of me and I am not allowed time for myself. I find it all so overwhelming.

• my mother
• my family
• my work
• my partner

And I come last. I am lucky if I am allowed 5 minutes for a toilet and to maintain period hygiene in the middle of the day. If feels as if I need to pay someone some rent money to get a few minutes for myself. It's just too much.

I'm not sure if you've said yet...but you have actually just told him not reign in the phone calls as you're under a lot of pressure and that you'll call him back if you get a missed call from him as and when you can? Because of not, he probably has no idea he's causing such an issue and just feels like chatting to his partner? The calling back so quickly after not getting an answer is a bit much but if he genuinely has no idea you feel hassled by it then maybe all it needs is a quick chat and he won't do it anymore?

I agree with this.

I think you and your partner just are different people. My and my partner call eachother throughout the day whenever we get 2 mins. Might be just to tell the other of something funny that happened. We live together but still talk a lot. If I didn't answer I would always text to say I can't talk right now, it takes 10 seconds max. And he would be worried if I didn't.

If this isn't how you want it to be then I would find a different partner or be alone for a bit, be with someone who understands that you don't want to be contacted constantly which is totally fine.

I do feel for you though it sounds like you have so much on your plate and you need some time to relax

“Topping myself”
”Allowed 5 mins to maintain period hygiene in the middle of the day”

This whole thread has a really weird tone to it 🤔

That sounds very annoying.

Can you ask him why he rings so much? Or just text to say "I'm busy, lots going on, speak tomorrow/later"

How odd he isn't a mind reader it really wouldn't have taken more than a minute to say you are busy and you would call the next day.

If he’s that annoying text him back. And if he’s so annoying you can’t be bothered to do that but prefer to spend a lot of time on MN ranting then dump him. You’ve not said anything good about him. Get rid. Save yourself. You don’t need to be passive here.

I don't think she's weird, but agree there are 2 issues here. It sounds as though your partner is checking up on you. But you need to TELL him to stop calling you. If you don't tell him how does he know? (fwiw, I'd hate all of that too. My exp used to call me every day when I was doing the school run).

The bigger issue is how you are getting pulled in so many directions and are struggling to deal with it all. Can you get some help with your mother? Can you put boundaries in place with her?

Actually it sounds as though you aren't putting boundaries in place with your Partner, mother or employer. Instead you are silently getting overwhelmed and resentful. none of them will know unless you enforce your boundaries.

You're an introvert OP and he's an extrovert. Both to the extremities... this is incompatibility x

Op, you know you don't have to be in this/any relationship if you don't want to, don't you? It doesn't sound like it makes you remotely happy, so what's the point of it?

Why don't you just tell him to stop it?

@SeaBoat I am so sorry that you have had to justify yourself so much, I think some people just don’t understand.

I looked after my MIL with Alzheimer’s and it’s an unbelievable metal toll trying to do it and not to mention upsetting. If I found it upsetting with MIL I can only imagine your even more upset with it being your mum. Getting a diagnosis is not easy and is a long road in an of itself. Once a diagnosis is in place thought it does give you/your mum more access to support, although admittedly it’s not great it does help.

You are feeling burdened by many things, it sounds as though you have a lot on your plate and his constant and in your eyes his unnecessary and repeated calls are just another burden and taking up metal space you don’t feel you have to give.

From the things you’ve said about him it doesn’t sound like he respects your boundaries or personal space, him going through your phone, your drawers/lockers etc and when you know this of him the repeated calls are just going to feel like another invasion of your personal time and space. I think you view the calls as him keeping tabs on you, and so you resent them and now even more so in light of everything else you have going on.

If you are wanting to keep this relationship going I suggest you sit him down and explain explicitly how busy you are and why you are so busy and that you are finding his repeated calling intrusive. Explain that if he continues at this level you will be forced to end the relationship because it’s just causing you further stress which you don’t need. Perhaps agree that he can call and that if you don’t answer he is not to call you again and to wait for you to call him back and if it’s something urgent for whatever reason he can send you a text explaining said emergency or whatever and you will call him back just as soon as you can. See if he can agree to this, and see if he can stick to your boundaries and if he can’t then reevaluate the relationship.

Finally your boundaries are you your boundaries and you are entitled to them whatever they may be. He in turn is entitled not to like them BUT that doesn’t mean that he gets to trample all over them, and if each other’s boundaries can’t be respected than you are simply not compatible. A relationship is meant to add to your life and enhance it, it’s not meant to take away from you and make you feel so pressured and miserable.

OP you sound like you're headed for a breakdown. You need to prioritise you where possible. This means:

1. Tell your partner you are busy and overwhelmed. Tell him to please only call once and then presume you are busy and not call again. That you will call him when possible.

2. Tell work you are overwehelmed and need adjustments. That you will not be able to do work past X time and can only do X hours in a week because of family issues with your mother. Ask if they have a counselling service at all (many do).

3. your mum is more difficult, but you cannot sit there for 2 hours while she looks at offers. Tell her you are free until X time but have to leave at that time. Obviously if she does have dementia she will decline and this will get worse though.

You have to prioritise yourself and not let everyone else run over your time. Nobody else is going to stop putting it on you if they don't know you are overwhelmed.

You need to communicate. If needs be see the GP and you may need some time off work.

Everybody wants a piece out of me and I am not allowed time for myself. I find it all so overwhelming

my mother
my family
my work
my partner

And I come last

Something has to give, or you’ll end up having a breakdown and not being able to get out of bed. And you cannot be the thing that gives. You are the bit that is non negotiable. Personally, the attempts to go through my phone would be making the partner top of the list of things to cut. You sound fundamentally incompatible. Are you in a position to get signed off for a couple of weeks? Your family need to start hearing the word ‘no’. Tell them you’re on the edge, you can’t cope with another thing and if they don’t start helping themselves then you’ll leave them to it completely. I’m guessing you and your mum live together if your washing is getting mixed up? Is it possible for your family to step in for a couple of hours a week?

the attempts to go through my phone would be making the partner top of the list of things to cut. You sound fundamentally incompatible

I agree. This relationship is causing you too much stress. What exactly is he adding to your life?