I am so so so sick of his calls, over and over again

[SeaBoat]

I am with my partner a number of years. We work opposite schedules to each other so a lot of the time we are like passing ships.

I had a call from him yesterday morning and again yesterday evening. I took those calls. Then at about 9.30 at night my mother who I suspect might be getting dementia, asked me to do a job for her on the Internet. It's never an easy task with her and it could go on for hours. I actually think about suicide when I sit down with my mother because that appeals to me for a break.
At 9.45 pm last night I got a call from my partner but I was too busy to take it. I had intentions of phoning him back. He rang me back at 10 but again I was jot finished with my mother. It was about 10.45pm last night by the time I was finished with my mother and I had a banging headache at that stage. I was thinking about getting into bed to get up in the morning for my job but I was so busy doing jobs. So I continued doing jobs. I got 2 more calls after that from my partner. I was so busy. I was cooking food for my lunch and I wasn't feeling well either. I had intentions of phoning him back but that didn't happen. It wasn't intentionally to ignore him and I wasn't ignoring him. I was busy.

I hate this from him. If I picked up last night I know him like that back of my hand he would have nothing to say or ask except how I am. Surely when I missed his first and his second call he could presume how I am and presume I am busy. I hate this from him. He seems to think because I have the day off I am sitting down and doing nothing when that's not the case at all. It was 1.30 in the morning by the time I got to bed last night.

I was getting ready for work this morning and breaking my back and my ass trying to get out the door to work and get to work and the same thing happened again this morning. Three more calls from him. My phone was in the bed and then it was in my back buried under my lunch and under belongings for the day.

I am so sick of it. Its call after call after call as if I am doing no3but sitting down with the phone in my hand just waiting for his calls.

I cannot believe the amount of replies telling you you're unreasonable. This level of suffocation would make me scream my eyeballs out, the relationship would be over and he would be gone. Does he not have a life and hobbies of his own? Are you his partner or his oxygen tank? Can he not breathe without you?

"Bug a boo" by Destiny's Child screams to mind 🤮

Nope.
He is crossing all sorts of lines.
The weird behaviours you're seeing (snooping, attempting to access your phone and calling repeatedly) are massive red flags. They're probably also just showing a small sliver of what's happening inside his head concerning trying to gain access to you.
Please put some distance between you and him, ideally dump him.

That's it. My mother wanted me last night. My employer was phoning me. I was supposed to do paper work too and it was everyone trying to get a piece out of me and I never had 5 minutes for myself. I meant to get to bed early but I was just too busy. I kept going until I had to force myself to stop after 1 and start brushing my teeth and going to bed.

Then it was round number 2 from everyone this morning.

• my mother
• my employer
• and my partner

It was my partners calls that was the worst.

When I phone someone and if they don't answer or pick up, I presume they are busy and leave it alone. I don't keep phoning them. Surely my partner has an ounce of intelligence to come to the same conclusion. We were only chatting in the evening on the phone. I don't know what he thinks but it seems as if he thinks I am sitting down and doing nothing with my time.

When he calls you and you don't answer, how long until he tries again? Are we talking minutes or hours?

I'd run a mile. He's harassing you by phone, checking up on you, sneakliy looking through your stuff. This isn't normal or appropriate. I couldn't be doing with someone who didn't trust me. Calling you all the time sounds controlling.

I hate this too, OP. If someone can’t get through then I prefer them just to leave a message and I’ll get back when I can. Sometimes it’s just too much, especially when you have to deal with elderly parents needing help. It’s so emotionally draining. Sometimes if I’m working away I just have to text to DP that I’m too wiped out to chat and will speak another time.

However, your DP’s snooping puts a different character on things and I could not put up with that at all.

You arent obliged to take his calls nor give him excuse why you arent always ready and waiting for his check ups. Fuck that. A phone call is an invitation, not a summons and he doesnt own you. Hes not your boss.

He sounds both needy and controlling.

Honestly, by the time my mother was finished with me last night I had a raging headache where suicide was looking like an attractive option to get rid of it but I powered on doing other jobs. I never had 5 minutes for myself last night. We chatted in the evening. Surely that should have been enough.

A brief text would have been considerate, but his snooping is totally unacceptable. He is either terminally needy or controlling. What, if anything, is he actually adding to your life...

However, you also need some strategies to help you deal with your mum as feeling suicidal over her demands seems over the top. Have you considered mindfulness exercises or CBT? Or taking 10 minutes to exercise instead of stewing over her unreasonableness?

My DH is extrovert and loves to phone people and talk, he would also call me and then worry if I didn't pick up.
I tend to text him if I can't talk - but I'm not also having to deal with a parent.

You remind me of how I felt with small kids - all tapped out and bristling because I am an introvert that needs quiet and space to recover. Between my kids, my work and my controlling previous DH, I never seemed to get any down time.

If your partner is reasonable, could you explain how you feel?
I couldn't tell my ex to stop repeatedly calling me as he would assume I was cheating.
I ended up resenting any interaction with him.

Talk to your partner before it's too late and get him to understand how he's adding to your feeling of being plagued on all sides

Air pods have been a game changer for my chatty mother and slightly anxious child. I can get on while they witter at me from wherever they are. FT is even better. I can get on and they can witter at each other and I flit in and out. A phone call is very much wanting your exclusive attention.

I was doing an online grocery shop with my mother last night. It's now a two night process other it's hours and hours and hours in the one day or night. She wanted to have a look at all the offers on the shop. There was 67 online pages of offers and she wanted to see them all.

I have to do round number 2 of the shop tonight and work on the list she has and not the offers. I was so busy appeasing my demented mother last night. My boss was also after me. I also had paper work to fao before midday today. All in all it was an absolute headache of a night and it didn't help when my phone was going off every 15 to 30 minutes from him.

Are you going to answer several PPs’ questions about whether you have addressed this with him, what he said in return or why you’ve not sent/set up an auto response?

YABU. I don't know why you don't just tell this to him. If he's too controlling and needy then end the relationship.
I also wish you'd stop throwing out flippant remarks about committing suicide to get a break or stop a headache.

@SeaBoat you are def not being unreasonable he sounds too bloody needy, I’d be off.

You need to be very cler with your DM how much you can do - and when that limit is reached, you say "I can't do any more now it's late, I'm going to bed" (or "to do/go" whatever you neded to do next.

As for the creepy snoopy tabs-keeping boyfriend - you are definitely within your rights to find this unbearable, intolerable, insulting and ample reason to say goodbye. Let him find someone who want to be joined at the hip. I certainly would have (I have ditched people for far less possessiveness than this)

Stop letting people walk over you. No is a complete sentence etc

Suffocating and irritating. I'd have picked up the phone at some point just to dump his needy arse.

You sound absolutely at the end of your tether op.

First- do you need to go through all the shopping with your mum? Can you say no you don't have time?

Second- just dump him. He adds nothing to your life.

Is there anyway you can get any help with your mother? This doesn't help your issues with your partner but maybe a helping hand with her might help your MH?

A coffin feels like it will be the only place that will give me a little bit of peace.

You need urgent help with your mental health if doing your mother's shopping makes you feel suicidal.

Perhaps I missed it but couldn't you have sent a text "I'm fine but busy, please stop ringing."

Are you depressed?
Because your responses re. suicide and coffins are not normal.

Tell your mother no, she can’t expect you to look for 67 pages of offers. If it’s not good enough, she can sort her shopping another way. Stop being a martyr. Text your partner and tell him you’re busy and you’ll speak another time. Or dump him because he sounds weirdly controlling.

When the people in your life are bringing you so much negativity that they’re causing you to feel suicidal, you need to change how you interact with them or remove them.